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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Would You Like To Super-Size That Band-Aid?

    , | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    (I’m working register when a lady comes up leading her sobbing son. He has a big lump on his forehead that’s starting to turn black and blue.)

    Customer: “Could I have some ice for his head? He hit it on something.”

    Me: “Yes! Poor little guy.”

    (I fill a glove with ice, wrap it in a paper rag and hand it over.)

    Me: “First Aid is just down there.”

    Customer: “Okay, thanks. Hey, while we’re here, could I get a grilled chicken salad?”

    Fowl-Mouthed Accusations

    | Norfolk, VA, USA | Top

    (I’m telling a group of visitors about the peacocks at our zoo. After I’ve finished, one of the visitors stops me.)

    Visitor: “Young man, can I have a word with you?

    Me: “Certainly, ma’am. How can I help you?

    Visitor: “I don’t appreciate you using that kind of language in front of my children.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I wasn’t aware I had.”

    Visitor: “We prefer to call those birds over there pearoosters.”

    Me: “Um, why?”

    Visitor: “Because peacock is a bad word! I really don’t think you should be using that sort of language and those dirty words in front of small children!”

    Marriage: The Ultimate Slippery Slope

    , | East Greenwich, RI, USA | Top

    (I work in the shipping and receiving department of a furniture store, where customers ring a bell so I can give them their box. We also have a loading dock for semi’s.)

    Outside: *BANG! BANG!*

    (Alarmed, I go to the loading dock where I see an E-class Mercedes sliding repeatedly down the icy incline and crashing into the building.)

    Me: “Sir! Sir! What are you doing?”

    Customer: “I’m trying to pick up my f***ing table! You call this customer pick-up?”

    Me: “No, Sir. We call this the loading dock. The customer service door is right over here.” *points at door*

    Customer: “F***! Would you come down here and help push my car up the grade while I floor it?”

    Me: “Sir, that incline is solid ice. If I slip or your car slides down, I could be killed. So, no, I won’t do that.”

    Customer: “Well, f*** you!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Just ring this bell over here when you get out.”

    (After a few more minutes and several more crashing noises, the bell rings. I open the door and it’s the same customer standing outside.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need this.” *hands me slip*

    Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll have that ready right here for you. Would you like some help getting it into the car?”

    Customer: “F*** you!”

    (The customer takes the box by himself and attempts to fit box into his back seat but fails, as it’s filled with various items. He pulls out a child’s stroller and throws it across the road and into the woods, where it catches and hangs on a tree branch. He then proceeds to throw all other items in his car out onto road. The whole time, his wife is standing with me and watching.)

    Customer’s wife: “Here you go.” *gives me a $10 tip*

    Me: “Good luck with that guy.”

    Customer’s wife: “Yeah, thanks. He’s still got to put that table together!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Someone’s Sleeping On The Tarmac Tonight

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Top

    (Around 12:30 am at the airport, a young woman in her mid-20′s strolls up to me at the check-in counter.)

    Me: “How are you this morning?”

    Female customer: “Alright. How early can I check in for a morning flight?”

    Me: “Using the kiosk boarding pass printers, you can check in up to 5 hours early, but you won’t be able to drop off your bag until we open again around 5 am. What flight are you on?”

    Female customer: “My name is *** and I’m on the 6:30 flight to Winnipeg. My fiance just broke up for me because of an argument that’s his fault. He just up and left, so I thought I’s come here and see. We are still on the same flight, too.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Well, at least you are on separate reservations. Did you want to go later?”

    Female customer: “No, I just want to get out of here. Is there a bar or anything open around here?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but the only thing open is the Tim Hortons, which is one floor below us, and the Mac’s stores on either end of the terminal.”

    Female customer: “Okay. Is there anywhere to sleep?”

    Me: “Sure, just head up to the third floor. There are some very comfy chairs, and it’s nice and quiet.”

    Female customer: “Thanks…” *leaves*

    (About ten minutes later, one of my coworkers calls a guy in his late 20′s up to her podium. I overhear their conversation…)

    Coworker: “Where are you off to?”

    Male customer: “Winnipeg at 6:30 am.”

    Coworker: “Okay. You won’t be able to checkin until 5 hours prior, and you won’t be able to drop your bags until we open again around 5 am.”

    (I know where this is going, so I walk over to the counter and chime in.)

    Me: “Can I ask you a very personal question?”

    Male customer: “Okay?”

    Me: “Did you just break up with your fiance?”

    Male customer: *surprised* “How do you know!”

    Me: “I just talked to her about 10 minutes ago. She is here at the airport.”

    Male customer: “F***! Where is she?”

    Me: “I sent her downstairs to the Tim Hortons, and then to the third floor to sleep.”

    Male customer: “Where should I go?”

    Me: “If you stay on this floor, you should be okay. Just head down the terminal further by the other airlines. She won’t look for you there.”

    Male customer: “F***! We’re on the same flight too!”

    Me: “I know. Good luck!”

    Oh, You Slay Me

    | Tucson, AZ, USA | Top

    Me: “Will that be cash or credit/debit?”

    Customer: “Debit.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll just need to see your ID.”

    Customer: “I don’t have an ID.”

    Me: “Well, then I’m afraid you’ll have to choose another payment method. There’s an ATM right down the–”

    Customer: *suddenly grinning* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’ YA! I have my ID right here.” *shows me her ID*

    Me: “Oh, haha. Alright. This all looks fine.”

    Customer: *cheerfully* “I have that kinda sense of humor where people don’t know I’m joking.”

    Me: “Oh, I have that problem occasionally myself.” *laughs*

    Customer: *laughs, suddenly turns serious* “I kill people.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “…”

    Every other customer who overheard: “…”

    Customer: *guffawing* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’! Have a good day, blondie!”

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