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    How Not To Get Into Their Good Books

    | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Hi, thanks for calling [bookstore], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, how much are your books?”

    Me: “What book were you looking for?”

    Caller: “No, your books. How much are they?”

    Me: “They are all priced differently. Are you looking for one in particular?”

    Caller: “No.” *click*

    Cup Is Half Full, Brain Is Sadly Not

    | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Do you have decaf?”

    Me: “We do. What size would you like?”

    Customer: “Well, I was wondering if I could have half decaf and half regular?”

    Me: “Sure thing.”

    Customer: “If I do that, which one will be on the top?”

    Pride Goeth Before The Balls

    | Lakewood, CO, USA |

    Customer: “I want to adopt this dog. When can I take him home?”

    Me: “He’ll have to be neutered before he can go home. You can take him home in the afternoon.”

    Customer: “Wait, why does he have to be neutered?”

    Me: “Well, this is an animal shelter. All these animals are homeless and we don’t want to add to that with any accidental breeding.”

    Customer: “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! A dog like him could produce some great pups.”

    Me: “Well, it’s our policy. He will be neutered before he leaves this building. It’s required.”

    Customer: “Will you guys at least put in fake implants? At least then he can keep his dignity.”

    Me: “Um…I don’t think we do that sort of thing.”

    Acting Rashly

    | Northampton, MA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, this is [college] help desk. What can I do for you?

    Caller: *sobbing* “You have got to help me!”

    Me: “Okay, miss. What seems to be the problem?”

    Caller: “I have this huge rash all over my butt!”

    Me: “Miss, you do realize this is a tech help desk…like, for computers?”

    Caller: “But I don’t know who else to call!”

    Me: “Well, you could try health services. I can get you the number.”

    Caller: “No, I already called them.”

    Me: “And they couldn’t help you?”

    Caller: “They wanted me to come in! But I don’t want people to know. Can’t you just tell me how to get rid of it?”

    Me: “Miss, I honestly have no idea. I’ve never had your…problem.”

    Caller: “What about your friends?”

    Me: “Well, none that I know of.”

    Caller: “Oh my God, I AM a freak!” *hangs up while still sobbing*

    A Real Oxymoron

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (I’m putting a sale sign above a cooler containing shrimp when a customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Jumbo shrimp? That’s funny.”

    Me: “Yeah it’s kind of an oxymoron, huh?”

    Customer: “What the h*** did you just call me?”

    Me: “An oxymoron is an English term, sir.”

    Customer: “I don’t care if it’s a French term! Nobody insults me and gets away with it!”

    (The customer suddenly grabs me and puts me into a tackle. He held me in it for a good 30 seconds before coworkers arrived to help!)

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