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    Canada: America’s Hat

    | Boston, MA, USA | Canada

    (The customer’s total is $9.67. She hands me a ten dollar bill and three Canadian quarters.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t accept this change.”

    Customer: “Why not? It’s 67 cents and I gave you 75.”

    Me: “Right, but this is Canadian currency.”

    Customer: “So? They’re still quarters.”

    Me: “Right, but they’re Canadian Quarters. I can’t accept foreign currency.”

    Customer: “Canada’s not foreign! It’s in America!”

    Nails, Not Files

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    Me: “This is [hardware store], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, do you guys carry an Asus [followed by a long string of abbreviations and numbers] Sound Card?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: *repeats*

    Me: “What is that used for?”

    Caller: “So you can get sound from your speakers.”

    Me: “Like on a computer?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Wrong kind of hardware, buddy.”

    Low IQ On The High Seas

    | San Juan, Puerto Rico |

    (A cruise ship passenger approaches me at the purser’s main guest services desk.)

    Passenger:“This sure is a big boat. I’ve been lost three times already today. Do you have a map?”

    Me:“Yes sir, here you are. There are also maps and signs posted throughout the ship on the walls, and you can always ask our staff or crew for directions until you get the feel for the layout.”

    Passenger:“Oh, you’ve got such wonderful crew! I don’t ask directions. I don’t want to seem stupid. How many people fit on this boat?”

    Me:“We can carry just about 5,000 passengers and have a crew of nearly 2,000 people.”

    Passenger:“And do the crew stay on board with us?”

    Re-Vamping Dracula

    | El Paso, TX, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I need to get a refund for this book. You gave me the wrong book.”

    Me: “Didn’t you ask for Dracula?”

    Customer: “No! I read this book and it is nothing like the movie.”

    Me: “Actually, Francis Ford Coppola completely re-wrote the story when he filmed his version of Dracula. I can help you find that version, if you’d like.”

    Customer: “No! I want the Van Helsing version.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Yeah, in Van Helsing, Van Helsing is the main character and he fights Dracula and Frankenstein.”

    Me: “That film is a complete work of fiction. Van Helsing never fought Frankenstein or Frankenstein’s monster.”

    Customer: “Yes he did! The movie said so! What do you know?”

    Me: “Bram Stroker was a little boy when Mary Shelley died, so she never read Dracula.”

    Customer: “I think you are lying. The movie and Hugh Jackman would never lie!” *storms off*

    Customer #2: *overhearing* “I hate Hollywood.”

    Unobservant About The Unmentionables

    | Saint Peters, MO, USA | Top

    (It’s my first day at work, and I’m putting away packages of little girls’ underwear. I don’t know the section, so I walk around for several minutes, holding the packages of underwear, trying to figure out where they go. A customer walks up with two of her kids in tow.)

    Customer: “What the h*** are you doing?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “I can’t believe this! You’re disgusting. This is a public place, you pervert!”

    Me: “Uh, miss–”

    Customer: *jabs me in the chest with a finger* “You’re a filthy pervert! This is appalling! People can see you, you know!*

    Me: “Ma’am, I work here.”

    (I point to my logo’d shirt and my lanyard with my name tag on it.)

    Customer: “Oh. My. God. I am so sorry!” *runs out of the store with her kids*

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