He Who Giveth

| UK | Technology, Top

(I work as a security manager and share an office with the tech support teams in a hospital. One day, the client walks into the office.)

Client: “My windows login says it’s disabled.”

IT Support member: “Yes, I disabled it because when I came to service your printer last night, I noticed your password was written down next to your keyboard.”

Client: “I write it down because I always forget it.”

IT Support member: “I disabled it because you are not supposed to do that.”

Client: “Well, can I have a new password and my account enabled?”

Me: “I hope you are not going to write it down again. It’s a serious offence, especially given you have access to patient details.”

Client: *angrily* “Well, I’m writing it down anyway. What are you going to do about it?!”

Me: “We can disable your account permanently and recommend disciplinary action against you.”

Client: “Ha! Well, go ahead. I don’t care. You can’t do anything to me. I’ve been here for years and I retire in two years anyway, so there!”

(The next day, the same client comes back to my office.)

Client: “My computer is not in my office.”

Me: “That’s correct, it’s currently being rebuilt.”

Client: “When can I get it back?”

Me: “I’ve spoken to your manager. He said you can do your job without a computer for the next two years.”

Do Unto Others

, | Cape Carteret, NC, USA | Food & Drink, Top

(This takes place toward the end of my shift in the drive-thru. Everything has been slow for awhile.)

Customer: “Two cheeseburgers and that’ll be it.”

Me: “Okay sir, your total will be–”

(The customer drives ahead to the window before I can finish.)

Me: “Evening, sir. Your total will be $2.14.”

Customer: “I KNOW how to add!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t give you your total.”

Customer: *hands me money* “I know, I’m sorry.”

Me: *makes change* “Long day?”

Customer: “Yeah, lot of customers being a**holes.”

Me: “Yeah. I know the feeling. Have a nice day!”

Not For The Faint Of Puke

| Anaheim, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(We often get calls asking about our various prank items.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [magic shop]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have fake barf?”

Me: “Yes, we do. What kind do you need?”

Customer: “What do you mean, ‘What kind?'”

Me: “We carry regular, extra large, super chunky, and pet puke.”

Customer: “That’s disgusting!”

Me: “You asked.”

More Than One Chimp By The Name Of George

| Bakersfield, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(I am working putting items on a display rack and a customer comes up to me.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “Do you know George?”

(I am thinking she is asking if someone named George works here.)

Me: “George who?”

Customer: “You know, the George.”

Me: “George? George Bush, George Foreman? George…who?”

Customer: “You know the George.”

(At this point, the customer puts her hands up to her arm pits and starts acting like a monkey.)

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Do you mean Curious George?”

Customer: “Yes! Yes, The Curious George…do you have him?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry we don’t have any Curious Georges.”

Customer: “Okay, thank you!”

Unnatural Selection

| New Jersey, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(A woman is purchasing a long fish called a dojo loach.)

Customer: “Now, will I need to fill the tank halfway and add some sand for it to crawl onto?”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s a fish.”

Customer: *stares in confused silence*

Me: “Fish don’t need to crawl onto land to breathe.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “It will be fine in a full aquarium.”

Customer: “You’d better be right!” *leaves looking dissatisfied*

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