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    Life’s A Beach

    | Australia |

    (Note: I work as a lifeguard at a beach.)

    Beachgoer: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?”

    Beachgoer: “I just got cut by a rock in the beach.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like to make a trip to first aid?”

    Beachgoer: “No, I would like to complain.”

    Me: “About what?”

    Beachgoer: “You work at the beach, right? You should make sure the sea is safe enough to swim in!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t actually–”

    Beachgoer: “Nonsense! You should make sure there are no rocks! I want to talk to your manager!”

    (I call up my supervisor.)

    Supervisor: “Yes, what seems to be the problem?”

    Beachgoer: “I want to complain about your staff.”

    Supervisor: “Yes, what did they do?”

    Beachgoer: “She told me she can’t clean the sea of rocks. What if I get another injury?”

    Supervisor: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s not her fault that there are rocks in the sea. If you want, we can treat your cut in first aid?”

    Beachgoer: “What kind of idiots are you? I want this beach cleaned! I am going to get the government on you! And I don’t want any stupid first aid, I am going to get you both arrested for my injury!”

    (She storms off, but not before showing both of us a tiny scratch on her foot. The government never called.)

    There’s No Such Thing As Two Stupid Questions

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: “What is the parking pavilion for?”

    Me: “This is the main parking lot for the museum.”

    Customer: “And how much is the the…” *strains to read sign* “…free shuttle?”

    Me: “It’s completely free to ride. It runs until 8 pm.”

    Customer: “…at night?”

    Now With Extra Meow

    | Gatineau, Canada |

    Me: “Hi there, what would you like?”

    Customer: “I’ll take a BLT sub.”

    Me: “Coming right up…” *makes order*

    Customer: “What’s that thing that looks like cat food?”

    Me: “It’s tuna, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Can I get some of it in my sub?”

    Me: “Sure, but it’s going to cost some extra.”

    Customer: “I don’t mind. I wanna try that cat food.”

    Much Ado About Nothing

    | Scotland, UK |

    (A restaurant customer calls me over to his table with a problem.)

    Me: “Is everything alright?”

    Customer: “This is not a medium rare steak. It’s too over-cooked to be called medium rare.”

    Me: “Would you like me to get the chef. sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing love”

    Me: “You…don’t want me to do anything about it?”

    Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing.”

    Me: “Uh, alright.”

    (I leave him to it, but five minutes later he calls me over again.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “This is not a medium rare steak.”

    Me: “Yes, you just explained it to me.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s not.”

    Me: “What would you like me to do about it, sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing.”

    Me: “Would you like to speak to the chef?”

    Customer: “I don’t care what you do!”

    (I bring out the chef who resolves the problem; it’s apparently what the customer wanted me to do.)

    Circle Of Strife

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I was just wondering what is currently showing at the moment?”

    Me: “Well, the current production is Timon of Athens.”

    Customer: “Oh? Is that another sequel of The Lion King? Can I book seats for that?”

    Me: “It’s a Shakespearean tragedy. It’s not about lions.”

    Customer: “Oh, so it’s just about the meerkat?”

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