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    Hard Smoker

    | Nanaimo, BC, Canada | Top

    (I am working the till. A teenage boy walks up to the counter.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want [brand] smokes.”

    Me: “Do you have ID?”

    (He gives me a strange look.)

    Customer: “Just get me the f***ing smokes!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but if you-”

    (He leans forwards and cracks his knuckles.)

    Customer: “We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”

    (I notice my coworker standing behind him. He’s an ex-boxer.)

    Coworker: “Okay, let’s do this the hard way.”

    (The customer turns around, yelps, and runs out the door.)

    Coworker: *smiling* “Aw, I don’t think he likes me.”

    This Medicine Doesn’t Really Hit The Spot

    | TX, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pharmacy]. What can I help you with?

    Caller: “I just bought some [acne medication]. I was wondering if you could, uh… use it on herpes?”

    Me: “On herpes? [Acne medication] is a treatment for acne only.”

    Caller: “So can I put it on my junk or not?”

    This Customer Did A Number On You

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [business].”

    Caller: “Hello?”

    Me: “Good morning. You’re through to [business].”

    Caller: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Is this [person’s name]?”

    Me: “No. You have the wrong number.”

    Caller: “I don’t have the wrong number!”

    Me: “Are you looking to buy a computer?”

    Caller: “A computer?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. A computer.”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Then you have the wrong number.”

    Caller: “I think I have the wrong number.”

    Business Must Be Slow

    | UK |

    Me: “Hello, you’re through to [phone company]. How can I help?”

    Customer: “I’ve just tried to top up my phone and it won’t work. Can you put it back on?”

    Me: “Sorry, that number is now cancelled. It cannot be reactivated as it has been recycled.”

    Customer: *horrified* “How dare you! That number belongs to me! It is absolutely vital I get that number back. It is my business number! You people are costing me money and putting my livelihood at risk! I’ll sue! This is a disgrace!”

    Me: “Madam, that number has been disconnected from your account for seven years. It has been used by two other customers since you last had it.”

    Customer: *click*

    Unable To Master Their Card

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you. May I have the name as it appears on your credit card?”

    Customer: “Visa.”

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