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    Tit For Tat(too)

    | Ohio, USA | Top

    (I have a tattoo on my foot of a vine of ivy. Usually, I hide it with my socks and shoes while working, but one day they get wet on the playground so I take them off to keep from getting blisters. While I’m changing shoes, a child notices the tattoo.)

    Child: “Oh! What’s that?”

    Me: “It’s a tattoo, it’s like a permanent drawing on your skin you can get when your 18.”

    Child: “Can I touch it?”

    Me: “Sure, it just feels like skin.”

    (Several kids come over to touch my tattoo. A mother walks in.)

    Mother: “Is that a tattoo?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Mother: “You should be ashamed! You are setting a bad example for these children! That could be a gang symbol or related to drugs like marijuana!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s just ivy.”

    Mother: “What?! I don’t know anything about your drug symbols. This is highly unprofessional and I will be speaking to your boss! Advocating drugs like this!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Next time I’ll be sure to hide my tattoo, but I assure you it has nothing to do with drugs or any illegal behavior.”

    Mother: “You’d better! I can’t believe you would be allowed to work with kids!”

    (The mother bends over to pick up daughter, and I see a pair of dolphins tattooed very low on her back–AKA a “tramp stamp”. It’s visible just above her thong and low rise jeans. Rightly or wrongly, these tattoos often have a negative connotation.)

    Me: “Nice dolphins.”

    Mother: “I’m an adult! Don’t you judge me!”

    May We Suggest A Troublemaker Instead

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK |

    Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello dear, I was wondering if I could return this coffee machine? It’s not making any coffee.”

    Me: “Oh, right. Well, normally you would send it to the manufacturer and they would repair it.”

    Customer: “Who?”

    Me: “The manufacturer.”

    Customer: “But I bought it here. Have a look at it anyway, son.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll have a quick look.”

    (I open the box to find the machine wrapped in plastic and only slightly wet, but otherwise as clean as a brand new one.)

    Me: “When you tried it out, did you put coffee in it?”

    Customer: “Coffee?”

    Me: “Yes, did you put coffee powder or granules in it?”

    Customer: “No, of course not! Don’t be silly, it’s a coffee machine. It’s meant to MAKE coffee, is it not? Why buy a coffee machine that needs coffee in it to make coffee?!”

    Fun With Photons

    | California, USA |

    Me: “Hi sir, was there anything I could help you find today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I was wondering something. Why do all these glasses have the same white circles on the lenses? It’s really unstylish. I’m surprised people like this store!”

    Me: “Sir, that’s the reflection of the light on the glasses.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Hasta-La-Vista

    | Wisconsin, USA | Top

    Customer: “Hey, you know them laptops over there? Do they come with the internet?”

    Me: “They are internet capable and also have wi-fi.”

    Customer: “So, I buy it and send it to the warehouse and they put the internet on it for me?”

    Me: “You just need to select a company and purchase their internet services.”

    Customer: “What? Then what the h*** is that Visto thing that comes on it? I need to buy two internets?”

    Me: “No. Windows Vista is an operating system.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Getting the internet is kinda like getting cable television.”

    Customer: “Cable?”

    (The conversation only went downhill from there.)

    Got An Urgin’ For Some Urchin

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Top

    (At the aquarium where I volunteer, a guest sticks her whole hand in our touch tank, rips off a sea urchin and proceeds to stuff it in her bag.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you can’t do that.”

    Guest: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “You can’t rip the urchin off the tank’s wall. Could you please hand me it?”

    Guest: “But I was going to take it home and eat it. Isn’t that okay?”

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