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    Security Insecurity

    | Albany, NY, USA |

    Customer: “I want to pay my cell phone bill.”

    Me: “Sure. May I have your wireless number?”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t give that out.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, sir, I need your wireless number in order to pull up your account.”

    Customer: “No! I don’t give anyone my number. That’s personal and private. Let me give you my social…”

    Even Poltergeists Worry About Identity Theft

    | Weatherford, TX, USA |

    (A lady came and returned a paper shredder to the store because the one she had was running its motor at odd intervals when no one was in the room. I exchanged her shredder for a new one and offered to carry it out to her car for her.)

    Customer: “You know, if I hadn’t moved recently, I wouldn’t have thought twice about my old shredder acting up.”

    Me: “Really? Why is that?”

    Customer: “Well, my old house was haunted!”

    Me: “Really…”

    Customer: “Really. My old house was haunted by the ghosts of my ex husband and his crazy, dead aunt. You know, most people would think I’m crazy, but you seem really receptive to this!”

    A Sweet Tooth…And Sweet Legs, Sweet Arms…

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “Hello, I’d like to return this cookie jar.”

    Me: “Do you have your receipt?”

    Customer: “Yes.” *hands receipts over*

    Me: “So why are you returning this?”

    Customer: “Oh, my husband didn’t fit into it.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “Well, my husband recently passed away. He loved cookies, so I figured that I would get him something like this for an urn, but when I tried to put him in there, he didn’t fit.”

    Me: “Ah.”

    That’s A Lot Of Tubes

    , | Los Angeles, CA |

    (A customer enters our pawn shop, and I motion her over to my counter.)

    Me: “What can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I wanna pawn my internet.”

    Me: “Do you mean your computer? If it’s complete and relatively new we’ll take it. You just have to bring it in so we can test it out first.”

    Customer: *getting angry* “No, man, my internet!”

    Me: “Umm…do you mean your modem? Because we don’t take modems or routers by themselves.”

    Customer: “No man, I wanna pawn my internet! My INTERNET!”

    Me: “Like…your AOL account or something? We can’t do that either.”

    Customer: “No! I wanna pawn my internet, man! THE INTERNET!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you can actually bring me the internet, I’ll give you $100 out of my own wallet and you can keep it.”

    Customer: *happy again* “Okay, I’ll be right back!”

    (She never came back.)

    Related:
    Guardian Of The Tubes And Protector Of The Google
    Internet = Tubes, Word = Sheets

    The Patient Finally Runs Out Of Patience

    | Iowa, USA | Top

    (I am a phlebotomist and go around drawing blood at the hospital all day. I am drawing blood on the rehab floor where patients are generally doing well. I start to draw one patient’s blood when his wife runs into the room.)

    Patient’s wife: “Oh my God! What are you doing?!”

    Me: “I’m from the lab and I’m just getting some blood.”

    Patient’s wife: “What?! Why?! What is wrong with my husband?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is all pretty routine blood work.”

    (Hearing the commotion, the nurse runs in.)

    Nurse: “Ma’am, the insurance company asked we get this blood work since it has been awhile. I assure you nothing is wrong.”

    Patient’s wife: “No, you’re lying! My husband is dying and no one will tell me why!”

    (Suddenly, the patient himself speaks up.)

    Patient, to wife: “D*** it! Sometimes I wish you were dying!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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