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    Common Courtesies: Not For Commoners

    | California, MD, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids

    (I am a cashier at a locally owned grocery store that is frequented by families. A dad comes in with two sons. The younger one puts a drink in the front of their order.)

    Kid: “Don’t put this in a bag.”

    Dad: “Hey! You could at least say ‘please’!”

    Kid: “Dad, you don’t say ‘please’ to clerks, only to people! I learned it in my lesson yesterday!”

    Of Inky Inputs And Inopportune Idioms

    | Perth, Australia | Criminal/Illegal

    (I am a employee at a electronics store. We are having a fairly normal day. As I am attending to a woman, two men barge through the shop and demand that everyone drop to the ground.)

    Customer: *starts looking through her purse*

    Me: “Ma’am, I think we should do what they say and not call the police.”

    Customer: “No, I’m not looking for that…ah! Here it is!”

    (The customer holds up a pen. Meanwhile, I’m lying on the floor with a confused look on my face.)

    Customer: *whispers* “The pen is mightier then the sword.”

    An I For An Eye

    | Portland, OR, USA | Extra Stupid

    Me: “What’s your name, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Miriam.”

    Me: “‘M’ as in Mary, ‘I’ as in India–”

    Caller: “No! ‘I’ as in the eye in your face!”

    Did I Steal That Out Loud

    | Bethesda, Maryland, USA | Underaged

    (Two boys around the age of 15 walk in without an adult. They order food that the average teenager cannot pay for. After they’re done eating, I come with the bill.)

    Me: “Here is the bill.”

    (They look at it. The total is about $107.)

    Boy: “That’s a lot of cash. Let’s run!”

    Me: “You better not, sir.”

    Boy: “How’d you hear us? We were using telepathy!”

    When Life Demands Too Much, Go Scientology

    | Naperville, IL, USA | Math & Science

    (I work in a store where we blend toppings in with the ice cream. The prices for addition “mix-ins” are posted in giant numbers.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’ll have a small cake batter with Oreos, Heath Bar, M&Ms, fudge, and peanut butter sauce!”

    Me: “Okay, coming up!”

    (At the register.)

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $x.xx”

    Customer: “What?! It says on your board that it is $3!”

    Me: “Yes, but you got additional toppings, which increase the price.”

    Customer: “Numbers aren’t real! Only scientologists believe in numbers! Why should I have to pay if I don’t believe in numbers?”

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