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    One Foot In The Grave, One Hand On The Printing Press

    | Corpus Christi, TX, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “**** Newspaper, can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, is this the obituaries?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, it is.”

    Caller: “I need to place one.”

    Me: “OK ma’am. You can send that to me via fax or email.”

    Caller: “What do they typically say?”

    Me: “They vary, but some good information is where the individual was born, when they passed away–”

    Caller: “Oh, he’s not dead yet.”

    Me: “I–I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “He’s very sick, though. Should be any day.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t run an obituary until the individual has died.”

    Caller: *sighs heavily* “Well that’s VERY inconvenient.” *hangs up*

    Fattening Fallacies

    | Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Welcome to ****, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Could I get that donut right there?” *points*

    Me: “Sure thing.”

    (I put it on a plate and hand it to him.)

    Customer: “Can you heat it up for me, please?”

    Me: “No problem, I’ll just be a minute.”

    Customer: “Put it in for exactly 7 seconds. If you microwave food for 7 seconds, it becomes negative calories. Did you know that?”

    Me: “Um…I don’t think that’s how food works.”

    Customer: “Well, how would you know, you’re just a part-time employee at a coffee shop.”

    Me: “I work part-time to pay for University…where I study health and nutrition…”

    Customer: “What are they teaching kids these days?!” *walks away angrily without the donut*

    Me: “Have a nice day?”

    Dysfunctional Doppelgangers

    , | Cooby, Australia |

    (An old, drunken man stumbles in to our fast food restaurant.)

    Me: “Hello, how are you tonight sir?”

    (He stumbles to the front counter, leans over, and stares intently at my name badge.)

    Me: “Umm, can I help you?”

    Drunken customer: *reads my badge* “Tahiiinaaa..”

    Me: “…yes?”

    Drunken customer: “That’s a really pretty name. I want your name. Sell me your name!”

    Me: “Sorry, I can’t sell you my name… do you want some chicken?”

    Drunken customer: “I. WANT. YOUR. NAME!”

    (Suddenly, the drunken guy lunges over the counter and rips my badge off of my shirt and runs out of the store laughing.)

    Me, to my manager: “I think I need a new shirt…”

    It Only Works If You’re The Fed

    | Portland, ME, USA |

    Customer: “Can I withdraw everything from my checking account?”

    Me: *processes transaction* “There you are. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, can you tell me my balance?”

    Me: “Well, after that transaction, your balance is $0.”

    Customer: “But I still have checks!”

    Me: “I’m sorry–”

    Customer: “I still have checks left in my checkbook, so I can still get money, right?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You can only write out checks if you have that money available in your account.”

    Customer: “But I still have checks! Why would they give me so many hecks, then?!”

    Me: “So you have checks for when you do have money?”

    Customer: “Well, I’ll just write one out anyway!”

    Me: “You’ll be charged a $35 fee for overdrafting your account.”

    Customer: “I thought I had a free checking account. You’re going to charge me for using my free account?!”

    Me: “No, we charge you for spending money you don’t have.”

    Customer: “I’M NOT SPENDING MONEY, I’M WRITING A CHECK!”

    Me: “Have a good day, ma’am.”

    Enigmatic Espresso

    | Oxford, AL, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to ****, what can I get started for you today?”

    Customer: *in drive-thru* “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Er…would you like any suggestions?”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t know what it is I always get. My daughter usually gets it for me.”

    Me: “OK, no big deal. Was it hot or cold?”

    Customer: “Both.”

    Me: “…was it ‘coffee’ or ‘not coffee’?

    Customer: “Hmm…I believe it was both.”

    Me: “I’m gonna go grab my manager…just a moment!”

    Manager: “Hi there, could you please describe for me what you usually get?”

    Customer: “I don’t know! My daughter gets it for me every day!”

    Manager: “Let’s break it down further…was it a solid or a liquid?”

    Customer: “Both…”


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