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    All Quiet On The Modern Front

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “My talk commands aren’t working on my computer.”

    Me: “Your speech commands? Well, tell me what’s the problem.”

    Caller: “I keep telling my computer to turn on, but it won’t.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but the speech commands only work if the computer is already on.”

    Caller: “Then what’s the point of them?”

    Me: “They make things easier once the computer is on.”

    Caller: “How do I get my computer on if it won’t listen?!”

    Me: “Just turn it on like normal.”

    Caller: “I don’t want to! That’s why I enabled the godd**n speech commands!” *click*

    Hello, This Is Pot Calling Kettle

    | Delaware, USA |

    Me: “*** College, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’d like to apply for your college.”

    Me: “Okay, what program?”

    Caller: “I don’t know. Whatever.”

    Me: “Well, we have course descriptions and an application online.”

    Caller: “My computer’s busted. Why is everything online? That’s really inconvenient for me!”

    Me: “Well, we can schedule an appointment for you to come in and talk to one of our admissions people.”

    Caller: “My truck’s busted. What do you want me to do, walk?”

    Me: “Well, I could fax you an application–”

    Caller: “Do I sound like someone who has a fax machine at work? Why are you being so difficult?!” *click*

    Act Blustery, Get Flustered

    | Tucson, AZ, USA |

    (I’m 15 and work at the hospital gift shop. An RN comes to my register with three sets of wind chimes.)

    Me: “Will that be all for you today, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

    Me: “Okay, your total is $50 even.”

    Customer: “You didn’t give me my discount.”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, I’m new at this. Let me just void this transaction and start over.”

    Customer: “Fine!”

    (For some reason, the cash register, which is older than my 15-year-old-self, won’t allow me to void the transaction. I keep trying for around a minute.)

    Customer: “What the h*** is taking so long?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m having some trouble with the register.”

    Customer: “Well, hurry it up, will you? I have a patient I need to get back to!”

    (The line behind her is getting large and I’m getting very close to tears. Suddenly, another customer chimes in.)

    Customer behind her: “If you’ve got a patient, what the h*** are you doing buying wind chimes?”

    Customer: *gets flustered and leaves both her wind chimes and credit card behind*

    An Open(ed) and Shut Case

    | Minnesota, USA |

    Customer: “I need to return this DVD player.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We actually can’t do a return on opened merchandise.”

    Customer: “This isn’t open.”

    Me: “It’s been opened and re-taped.”

    Customer: “Why would you think that?”

    Me: “Because no manufacturers use duct tape to seal boxes.”

    Customer: “So you’re calling me a liar?”

    Me: “I’m not trying to, but this has obviously been opened and re-taped and therefore can’t be returned.”

    Customer: “What do you know? Where’s your manager?”

    (I call my manager and he tells the customer the same things I told her and points out the duct tape. She starts cursing and pounding her fist the counter. My manager finally gives in just to get the customer out of the store. 20 minutes pass and the phone rings.)

    Me: “Thank you calling ****. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I returned a DVD player 20 minutes ago and forgot my DVD in it.”

    Can’t See The Forest For Los Arboles

    | Arizona, USA | Top

    Me: “Gracias por llamar a [company name], en que le puedo asistir hoy?”

    Caller: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, your call came in through the Spanish line. How may I help you today?”

    Caller: “I want to talk to somebody in English.”

    Me: “I speak English ma’am, You must have pressed the Spanish option through the automated system, but I will be more than happy to help you.”

    Caller: “What was that you were speaking before?”

    Me: “Spanish.”

    Caller: “I want to talk to somebody in English.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I speak English as well. How may I help you today?”

    Caller: *slowly* “I want to talk to somebody in the United
    States who speaks English!”

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company name], how may I help you today?”

    Caller: *hangs up*

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