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    It’s One Big Greasy Conspiracy

    | Santa Fe, NM, USA |

    Customer: “Ugh! Everything you make here has canola oil in it. Don’t you know that’s not even food? It’s made from rapeseed, which isn’t even edible!”

    Me: “While it’s true you can’t actually eat the plant, canola oil itself is–”

    Customer: “It’s all genetically modified. You can’t get canola oil that isn’t genetically modified.”

    Me: “Actually, the canola oil we use comes from a company called Spectrum that–”

    Customer: “Spectrum!? That’s an Illuminati company!”

    Me: “Let me get my manager for you…”

    Small Talk In The Big House

    | Apple Valley, MN, USA |

    (While working the overnight shift alone, a single customer walks into the store and walks to my register.)

    Customer: “What would you do if I robbed you?”

    Me: “…I’d call the cops.”

    Customer: “What about if I had a knife to your throat?”

    Me: “Do you really think those are good questions to be asking me?”

    Customer: “Okay, let’s just say I have a gun in your face.”

    Me: “Get out. Now.”

    Customer: “Sheesh, I was just trying to have a friendly conversation with you…” *leaves*

    Snakes On A Plane…And In The Next Seat Over

    | Morrow, GA, USA |

    (This man comes to the movie theater with a live snake wrapped around his neck. This is the exchange that took place.)

    Co-worker: “Hello, sir, and welcome to **** — is that a snake?!”

    (Every customer in the lobby that can hear my coworker scampers away.)

    Customer: “Yes, it is.”

    Co-worker: *shrinking back in fear* “I’m sorry sir, but company policy prohibits any animals other than seeing-eye animals.”

    Customer: “The snake is a seeing-eye animal.”

    Co-worker: “I’m sorry sir, but I’m going to have to ask you to come back without the snake. It’s upsetting the other guests.”

    Customer: “FINE! I didn’t want to see the stupid movie anyway!” *stomps away*

    Script Stupidity

    | Des Moines, IA, USA |

    Customer: *holds up two bottles* “What’s the difference between these two medicines?”

    Me: “The one on the left is a capsule; the one on the right is a tablet.”

    Customer: “I mean, which one would be better?”

    Me: “They’re exactly the same medicine, just in different forms. Most people buy whichever one is easier for them to swallow.”

    Customer: “That’s just stupid! How can you swallow a bottle?”

    Being Fashionable Is Kids’ Play

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    Customer: “What kind of sunglasses are these?”

    Me: “Those are Ray-Ban, but they’re children’s glasses.”

    Customer: “I really like this one.”

    Me: “Again, those are children’s glasses. I can help you find a similar style for adults.”

    Customer: *pointing to the same pair of glasses* “Can I try these on?”

    Me: “Well, they are children’s glasses, but you are more than welcome to try them on.”

    Customer: *tries on the glasses* “These are really small!”


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