Time Waits For Slow Man

| Austin, TX, USA | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

(A customer walks right before closing at which point I ask him if there’s anything I can help him find. When he says there isn’t, I politely let him know the store will be closing at in about 8 minutes. After spending 25 minutes in a dressing room, he puts his clothes on the counter and starts to look at the watches.)

Customer: “I left my glasses at home. What’s this watch say on the face?”

Me: “It says we closed twenty minutes ago and I’m ready to leave.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Pray There’s No Back Door

| Chicago, IL, USA | Funny Names, Health & Body, Uncategorized

Customer: *referring to the recital hall* “Excuse me, can you direct me to your Rectal Hall?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “The Rectal Hall. I need to get into your Rectal Hall. Where is your Rectal Hall?”

Me: “I sincerely doubt you want the answer to that question.”

An Open And Shut Case

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, [Tech Support]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I just got your wireless internet thingy, but I’m not sure I like it.”

Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

Caller: “Oh, nothing’s wrong with it. It’s much faster than my old internet; but do I always have to open my windows? I hate opening up the windows.”

Me: “What computer do you have?”

Caller: “I have a Mac.”

Me: “Then how do you–”

Caller: “Oh! No. Not that computer windows thing! I don’t have that! I mean my actual windows around my house!”

Me: “You’re… opening up you’re windows around your house?”

Caller: “Yes! And it’s really chilly today!”

Me: “Ma’am, I hate to interrupt, but why is this relevant to your internet problem?”

Caller: “Well, it’s wireless! It comes through the air, right? How else am I going to get it if the windows are closed?”

Sharing One’s Loss, Part 2

| ON, Canada | Books & Reading, Uncategorized

Caller: “I saw on my online account that this book I have out is lost.”

Me: “Okay.”

Caller: “But it’s not lost, it’s right next to me. I can see it!”

Related:
Sharing One’s Loss

Date Fright

| Springville, UT, USA | Food & Drink, Movies & TV, Uncategorized

(I’m hosting and whenever I seat a table, I put an ‘X’ next to the server who got the table so that all the servers get the same amount of tables. Two women walk in.)

Me: “Hello, how many for you today?”

Woman 1: “Just the two.”

Me: *marking the next server* “Well, if you just want to follow me.”

Woman 2: “That wasn’t our name!”

Me: “What?”

Woman 2: “We didn’t have a reservation. That wasn’t us!”

Me: “Oh, I was just marking the server you’ll be having today.”

Woman 1: “Sorry, we just saw Date Night and they took someone’s reservation and almost died!”

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