Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Grape Expectations

    | Monroe, MI, USA |

    (I’m behind the register when a teenage girl comes up with her mother. While I watch, the girl tells her mom to get her one of the ‘grape ones’.)

    Mother: “I’d like one of your grape cigars.”

    Me: “Alright.” *to the girl* “I just need to see your ID.”

    Girl: “She’s the one who’s buying, not me!”

    Me: “That doesn’t matter. I know she’s buying it for you, so I need to know if you’re over eighteen.”

    Mother: “That’s stupid! This is the only place that sells them around here. I’m not wasting my gas driving somewhere else. If you don’t sell me those, I’m going to call the cops and they’ll make you sell me a grape cigar!”

    Me: “Ma’am, feel free to tell the cops that I wont sell your under-aged daughter a cigar.”

    Not Exactly The Pick Of The Litter

    | Dearborn, MI, USA |

    Customer: “I’m looking for the right kind of food for my new rottweiler puppy.”

    Me: “No problem, I’d be happy to help you. And since your little guy here is a large breed dog, he needs to stay on the puppy food for two years before switching to the adult formula.”

    Customer: “Large breed?”

    Me: “Yes, this little guy is a rottweiler mix. He will probably be around 90-110 pounds.”

    Customer: “Oh…so if I keep him on puppy food, will he stay small like this?”

    Barely Scratched The Surface

    | Paxton, IL, USA |

    Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”

    Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tellme what you are going to use it for?”

    Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”

    Up His Own Perineum

    | Canada |

    Me: “Hello sir, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for some perennials who don’t need maintenance on it.”

    Me: “Well, we got a few who need very low attention, but–”

    Customer: “–and I don’t want to water them! I don’t have time for that!”

    Me: “Every plants need water sir, even cactus, but we–”

    Customer: “And they gonna be by the pool, so they need to be waterproof, too!”

    Me: “Waterproof?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so the chlorine won’t affect them and they will not die!”

    Me: “So you want some flowers who doesn’t need maintenance, don’t need water and that chlorine won’t kill?”

    Customer: “Yep, that’s it!”

    Me: “Plastic flowers gonna work?”

    Customer: “Do you think I am stupid! Get me your manager!”

    (I call my manager, and the customer explains everything he wants to my boss. My manager responds similarly…)

    Manager: “Plastic flowers?”

    Customer: “You guys don’t know anything about gardening!”

    The Devil Revils In The Details

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Can I check out books?”

    Me: “Do you have a library card?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: *checks out books* “Okay, you’re all set. These are due back January 15.”

    Customer: “But that was 11 months ago!”

    Me: “January 15 of 2010, ma’am.”

    Customer: “What if I return them NEXT January 15?”

    Me: “Then you would owe $365 in overdue fines, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But it would still be January 15!”

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