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    Light Food For Light Thinkers

    | Lancaster, OH, USA | Top

    (My table has just ordered our unlimited soup and salad.)

    Me: “Ok, I’ll go ahead a put this in for you and be right back with your salad and bread.”

    Customer: “So where is y’alls salad bar?”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: *speaking slowly* “The sal-ad ba-ar. Where is it?”

    Me: “Um, we don’t have a salad bar sir, I bring it to your table.”

    Customer: “You bring the salad bar to the table?.”

    Me: “No sir, I bring out a bowl of salad for everyone at the table to share.”

    Customer: “So, it’s not endless?”

    Me: “Yes, it still is endless, I bring out as much salad as you want.”

    Customer: “How you gonna know how much I want?”

    Me: “I bring out as many bowls as you tell be to bring.”

    Customer: “Well how am I supposed to know how many to tell you when I don’t even know how much is in one?”

    Me: “After I bring out the first bowl, you can tell me if you’d like some more.”

    Customer: “But I want all my salad now!”

    Me: “We don’t bring out all the salad at once so you get the freshest product possible.”

    Customer: “But I want it now.”

    Me: “Well as soon as I go back to the kitchen, I can bring it out for you.”

    Customer: “But I want it now!”

    Me: “So I’ll go and get it for you.”

    (As I finally walk away, I hear him say to this to his wife, “So, where’s my salad?”)

    Divas Balk But Money Talks

    | Oakland, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [nail salon]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, we had an appointment for four mani/pedis.”

    Me: “Okay, can I get your name? And how old are these three?”

    Customer: “Why do you need to know how old they are?”

    Me: “If they’re under 12, they get Princess mani/pedis which are ten dollars less.”

    Customer: “No. I want them to have real mani/pedis.”

    (I try to explain twice more that there is no difference besides the price. She starts to yell, causing a scene and bothering other customers.)

    Customer: “You’re trying to give them bad service! I want them to have good nails!”

    Me: “I understand, and they will. Princess treatments are only less because their nails are smaller so they don’t take as–”

    Customer: “I want them to have REAL mani/pedis! You’re trying to give them half-a**ed service!”

    Me: “Ma’am, the only difference is the price. Do you want to pay $156 or $129?”

    Customer: “…Well in that case, yes. They’re all under 12.”

    All Quiet On The Modern Front

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “My talk commands aren’t working on my computer.”

    Me: “Your speech commands? Well, tell me what’s the problem.”

    Caller: “I keep telling my computer to turn on, but it won’t.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but the speech commands only work if the computer is already on.”

    Caller: “Then what’s the point of them?”

    Me: “They make things easier once the computer is on.”

    Caller: “How do I get my computer on if it won’t listen?!”

    Me: “Just turn it on like normal.”

    Caller: “I don’t want to! That’s why I enabled the godd**n speech commands!” *click*

    Hello, This Is Pot Calling Kettle

    | Delaware, USA |

    Me: “*** College, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’d like to apply for your college.”

    Me: “Okay, what program?”

    Caller: “I don’t know. Whatever.”

    Me: “Well, we have course descriptions and an application online.”

    Caller: “My computer’s busted. Why is everything online? That’s really inconvenient for me!”

    Me: “Well, we can schedule an appointment for you to come in and talk to one of our admissions people.”

    Caller: “My truck’s busted. What do you want me to do, walk?”

    Me: “Well, I could fax you an application–”

    Caller: “Do I sound like someone who has a fax machine at work? Why are you being so difficult?!” *click*

    Act Blustery, Get Flustered

    | Tucson, AZ, USA |

    (I’m 15 and work at the hospital gift shop. An RN comes to my register with three sets of wind chimes.)

    Me: “Will that be all for you today, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

    Me: “Okay, your total is $50 even.”

    Customer: “You didn’t give me my discount.”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, I’m new at this. Let me just void this transaction and start over.”

    Customer: “Fine!”

    (For some reason, the cash register, which is older than my 15-year-old-self, won’t allow me to void the transaction. I keep trying for around a minute.)

    Customer: “What the h*** is taking so long?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m having some trouble with the register.”

    Customer: “Well, hurry it up, will you? I have a patient I need to get back to!”

    (The line behind her is getting large and I’m getting very close to tears. Suddenly, another customer chimes in.)

    Customer behind her: “If you’ve got a patient, what the h*** are you doing buying wind chimes?”

    Customer: *gets flustered and leaves both her wind chimes and credit card behind*

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