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    War On Knowledge

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Caller: “Yes, I’m looking for something for my little grandson. He needs to dress up for school. Like someone from the civil war. Someone like George Washington. Do you have costumes or wigs or anything that could work for that?”

    Me: “Well, first a clarification as to what you’re looking for. Are you looking for someone from the civil war? Or from the revolutionary war?”

    Caller: “Right! Do you have anything like that?”

    Me: “Well, George Washington would be the revolutionary war. Are you looking for something like George Washington for the revolutionary war? Or do you want something from the civil war?”

    Caller: “Well, something from that time period.”

    Me: “Well, you see that’s two different time periods. You mentioned George Washington. Is that what you want?”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t know. He was one of the Presidents, right?”

    *pause*

    Me: “Right.”

    Caller: “President of Virginia, or something like that? The state of Virginia?”

    Not Quite As Fast As A Fox In A Fire

    | New Zealand |

    (The customer is having difficulty with our website. One of the common reasons is using an incompatible browser.)

    Me: “Okay, maybe it’s a problem with your browser. What web browser are you using?”

    Customer: “Mozzarella filofax.”

    Flipping Around The Store Is A Flop

    | CA, USA |

    Me: “Do you need help finding anything, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well, I bought these certain flip-flops 10 years ago, but you don’t seem to carry them anymore.” *wistful sigh* “They were so comfortable.”

    Me: “You could always check out our website online. You might find them there.”

    Customer: “Oh! That’s one of them nifty internet things, right?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    How To Fleece Customers

    | Sydney, Australia | Top

    Customer: “There are lots of different kinds of quilt fibres. Which kind is best?”

    Me: “Well, generally natural fibres are best. Wool is particularly good. It’s warm in winter and cool in summer. Plus, wool is fire resistant.”

    Customer: “Well, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a sheep on fire.”

    Hard Smoker

    | Nanaimo, BC, Canada | Top

    (I am working the till. A teenage boy walks up to the counter.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want [brand] smokes.”

    Me: “Do you have ID?”

    (He gives me a strange look.)

    Customer: “Just get me the f***ing smokes!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but if you-”

    (He leans forwards and cracks his knuckles.)

    Customer: “We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”

    (I notice my coworker standing behind him. He’s an ex-boxer.)

    Coworker: “Okay, let’s do this the hard way.”

    (The customer turns around, yelps, and runs out the door.)

    Coworker: *smiling* “Aw, I don’t think he likes me.”

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