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    So Stupid I Almost Painted

    | Queens, NY, USA |

    Customer: “I need some paint.”

    Me: “No problem, let me show you our selection.”

    (After taking her time picking out colors from all the swatches we have…)

    Customer: “I want these two colors mixed. I‚Äôm going to be painting stripes.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem. Let me mix it up for you. Would you like a gallon of each, or a different size? Also, would you like some painters tape and a couple of brushes?”

    Customer: “I only need one brush and I don’t need any painters tape, because you are going to mix the two colors.”

    Me: “You want me to mix the two colors?”

    Customer: “Yes, so I can just buy one gallon and paint stripes.”

    Rocket Man: It’s (Not) Going To Be A Long Long Time

    | Fredericton, NB, Canada |

    (A customer comes into our store looking for a discontinued desk.)

    Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want to order a desk. I need it here by tomorrow morning because we’re going back home to Newfoundland.”

    Me: “Sir, the only store in Canada with one of these desks still in stock is in Alberta. However, I don’t believe it’s possible that we can have it here tomorrow.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t you make a special circumstance for me? It’s only a hundred and fifty bucks. It can’t be that much to send it by airplane.”

    Me: “Sir, most of our stuff is sent by truck during the week. It would take almost a week for it to get here. You could however try your store back home to see if they could order it.”

    Customer: “I want it tomorrow morning.”

    Me: “I understand, but it’s not physically possible to deliver it by transport truck in ten hours.”

    Customer: “Yes it is! I’m a professional Formula 1 racer! I can drive to Alberta and back in less then ten hours.”

    Me: “Uh huh…”

    Customer: “Well, if you can’t get it here in ten hours, I’m driving to Alberta myself!”

    Me: “Okay. If you really want to drive to Alberta, I can make arrangements for them to hold it for you.”

    Customer: “You don’t believe that I can make it there in less then ten hours, do you?”

    Me: “Not really, but I also don’t drive a Formula 1 car.”

    Customer: “I don’t! I fly a rocket ship!” *literally runs out of the store as if he was an airplane while saying “Zooom!”*

    Slightly Less Rare Than An Honest Politician

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA |

    Coworker: “Hi, how are you? Can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for books by John Edwards.”

    Coworker: “The politician?”

    Customer: “Yes…he reads minds, you know.”

    Coworker: “Oh, you’re looking for John Edwards the psychic, not John Edwards the politician.”

    Customer: “They’re different people?!”

    The Wicked Witch Of The Pacific Northwest

    | Portland, OR |

    (I work at a very popular authentic garden in Portland. Even though it is August, it has been raining hard lately.)

    Customer: “Hi, I would like two adults, two kids.”

    Me: “That will be $$$.”

    Customer: “So what happens if it rains?”

    Me: “How do you mean?”

    Customer: “What happens if it rains? Do you refund everyone’s money or something?”

    Me: “Not really. This is Portland after all. We’re famous for heavy rains.”

    Customer: “Yes, but what do you do? There‚Äôs no tent or anything that you set up?”

    Me: “Well no, ma’am. This is a garden. We‚Äôre still outside, even though you’re paying to get in. And most of the time the rain doesn‚Äôt bother anyone…people still walk in the rain.”

    Customer: “They what?! They walk in the rain?! Don‚Äôt they get wet?”

    Me: “Well yes, but this is Portland. We’re used to the rain, and besides, the garden is very lovely in the rain.”

    Customer: “Oh my! Oh my! This cannot do. This is my vacation! Why does it have to rain? Don‚Äôt we get a rain discount or something?”

    Me: “No, sorry. If we gave discounts for every time it rained here, we would be well out of business. And this is a garden, so it needs rain.”

    Customer: “Oh God, oh God! The rain…it hurts!”

    No, Really: Sink Or Swim

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (I’m manning the rope swing we have at the deep end of the pool. A guy in his mid- to late-30s comes up to me.)

    Guy: “Um, is this safe for me to have a go?”

    Me: “Sure, adults can use this. You’ve just got to be able to swim in deep water.”

    Guy: “Yes, yes. But it can hold my weight, right? It won’t break?”

    Me: “No, it’s safe. The water would break your fall anyway.”

    Guy: “Oh, okay.”

    (The guy grabs the rope, swings out and purposely lets go. However, instead of swimming, he begins sinking to the bottom with his hands weakly flapping as he tries unsuccessfully to pull himself up. I immediately dive in and pull him up. After I’ve gotten him out…)

    Guy: “You said it was safe!”

    Me: “You said you could swim!”

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