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    Symphony In Underage Minor

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Top

    (I work at a music store which also offers private lessons. There’s a student practicing on a piano when another customer comes in.)

    Me: “Welcome to [music store], how may I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like a to buy a piano for my son. He’s starting lessons next week.”

    Me: “Digital, upright, or grand?”

    Customer: “I just want a piano!”

    Me: “Certainly. This is the Roland RD-700GX, which–”

    Customer: “Is that girl for sale with that piano?” *points to the girl*

    Me: “Uh, no, ma’am. That is a student. She’s just practicing.”

    Customer: “Well, I want that girl to teach my son! How much does she cost?”

    Me: “Ma’am, she is NOT for sale.”

    Customer: “She’s not? But she’s sitting right there! This is false advertisement!”

    Me: “We sell pianos, ma’am. Not children.”

    Customer: “But it’ll be so romantic to have that playing in the background during meals!”

    Me: “Ma’am. For the last time, she is not for sale. Please stop.”

    Customer: *walks over to girl* “Hello!”

    Girl: “Uh…hi?”

    Customer: “How much do you cost?”

    Girl: *without missing a beat* “Lady, you must be really desperate if you’re looking for a hooker in a music store!”

    Customer: *quickly leaves the store*

    I’ll Go Where He’s Going

    | London, UK | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [travel agency]. Which brochure would you like to order?”

    Customer: “I’d like to order ten virgins, please.”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “Ten virgins, please–”

    (There’s a moment of silence; the customer and I both realize at the same time that he meant to say ‘ten Virgin Holiday Brochures’. To keep the conversation from going awkward, I chime in.)

    Me: “How fresh would you like your virgins, sir?”

    Customer: “This year’s editions will be fine, thanks!”

    Putting The Pow In Kung Pao

    | Elmira, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant]. What would you like today?”

    Customer: “I’d like fried rice with the chicken and broccoli.”

    Me: “Sure.” *I put food on plate*

    Customer: “Now, add lots of the broth on the rice. Lots and lots and lots.”

    Me: “Okay.” *I add sauce to rice*

    Customer: *watches and starts making noises of pleasure* “Ohhh! Yeah! Ohhh!”

    Me: “…”

    Clandestine Calorie Cutters

    | Clifton Park, NY, USA |

    Customer 1: “Do you have any sugar-free ice cream?”

    Customer 2: “Yeah, that a diabetic can eat?”

    (The two spend the next five minutes sampling almost every frozen yogurt we have and inquiring into the sugar content of everything. I went along with it, not wanting to put someone in a diabetic coma or anything.)

    Customer 2: “OK, we’ll take two of the blueberry pomegranate yogurt on sugar cones.”

    Me: “You’re aware that sugar cones contain sugar, right?”

    Customer 2: “Oh, we’re not really diabetic, we just didn’t want you to sneak us something fattening.”

    A Cheese By Any Other Name

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Top

    Me: *greeting the table* “Hello, how are y’all do–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “Do you have cheese dip?”

    Me: “Yes, we have queso.”

    Customer: “No! I don’t want queso! I want cheese dip!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer’s 5-year-old daughter: “Daddy, queso is cheese.”

    Customer: “Hush!” *looks at me* “What kind of Mexican restaurant doesn’t have cheese dip?”

    Me: “Sir, we have cheese dip, but here we call it queso.”

    Customer: “Fine! Bring out this ‘queso’ and I’ll let YOU know if it’s cheese dip or not!”

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