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    Hear No Evil, Get Blinded By No Evil

    | Wyoming, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to change my room. I’m on the first floor and my window faces the outside, but I like to walk around naked with the curtains open.”

    (I search his face for hint of a joke, but I see none; he seems completely serious.)

    Me: “Of course, sir, I can put you on the fifth floor and make sure your window doesn’t face any other rooms.”

    Customer: “Thank you, that’d be great!”

    (I finish the room change and proceed to help the next customer.)

    Me, to the next customer: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Next customer: “Sorry, I just had visions of sugarplums dancing in my head…”

    Getting On Your Nerves

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (I am a dentist about to give a patient a shot of local anesthetic).

    Patient: “I hate needles. Will this hurt?”

    Me: “Just concentrate on taking nice, deep breaths. It’ll be
    over before you know it.”

    Patient: “Could you please tell me when you’re ready to give
    the shot? I need to know!”

    Me: “Sure. I’ll give it on the count of three. Ready? One, two–”

    Patient: *screams* “You’re killing me! It hurts so much!”

    Me: “I haven’t actually given you the shot yet.”

    Patient: “Oh. Well, um, I was just practicing for when you did.”

    The CDs Are Full But The Mind Is Blank

    | Durham, NC, USA |

    Me: “Alright sir, I looked at your computer and it looks like you need to reinstall your office software before we can proceed.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    Me: “Can you show me where your software installation CDs are?”

    Customer: “My what?”

    Me: “The CDs that your office software came on when you first bought them.”

    Customer: “Oh, I threw those out.”

    Me: “Why? Was there something wrong with them?”

    Customer: “No, of course not. I installed the software and then threw out the empty discs.”

    Talk About A Long Weekend

    | London, UK |

    Me: “Good afternoon, [theme park]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hello. Can I just ask when are your firework nights this year?”

    Me: “They are on the 27th, 28th and 29th October.”

    Caller: “Okay…are they all Saturdays?”

    Childlike, But Not So Innocent

    | Charlottesville, VA, USA |

    (Note: as our store is a small business, we have a strict no refunds policy.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return these shoes.”

    Manager: ¬†”Okay, any particular reason?”

    Customer: ¬†”The shoe fits my right foot, but the left shoe is too big.”

    Manager: ¬†”Did they both fit when you bought them?”

    Customer: ¬†”Well, I didn’t try both of them on. The girl‚Ķ”*motions to me* “‚Ķtold me I should, but I didn’t.”

    Manager: ¬†”Well, since they haven’t been worn, we can give you an exchange or a store credit.”

    Customer: ¬†”I’d like a refund.”

    Manager: ¬†”We could give you a refund if there was something wrong with the shoes, or if we had made a mistake.”

    Customer: ¬†”But you did! You didn’t make me try on both shoes.”

    Manager: ¬†”Ma’am, you said my co-worker encouraged you to. ¬†We can’t make you try on both shoes.”

    Customer: “I still think I should get a refund. It’s your fault! You would make a child try on both shoes, wouldn’t you?!”

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