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    Hear, Speak, Say, Play No Evil

    | Texas, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store].”

    Caller: “I was talking with my friend, about that game I wanted for my grandson? ‘Uncharted Drake’s Fortune’? I thought it was clean, but my friend told me it isn’t clean!”

    Me: “Clean, ma’am?”

    Caller: “You know, clean! Not evil?”

    Me: “It’s only rated ‘T’ for ‘teen’, ma’am.”

    Caller: “But is it clean? I don’t want my grandson playing any evil games. What’s this game about?”

    (I describe the premise of the game.)

    Caller: “So you’re killing the bad guys, then? You’re the good guy?”

    Me: “Exactly, ma’am.”

    Caller: “So you’re like God striking down Satan?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, something like that.”

    Caller: “Oh, good, I’m so glad! Now my friend was telling me that in this game people are digging up graves. Is that true? That’s just not Christian!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, it’s only the bad guys digging up graves and making zombies.”

    Caller: “What’s a zombie? I’ve never heard of this.”

    Me: “Dead bodies that come back to life, ma’am? They’re supernatural creatures, like vampires or werewolves.”

    Caller: “Oh! This game isn’t going to teach my grandson to do any of that horrible witchcraft, is it?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, like I said, only the bad guys are doing that. You’re the good guy; you’re trying to stop them.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay, then. Well thank you so much, and God bless you and everyone at your store, and God be with you!”

    Age Before Cutie

    | Fort Wayne, Indiana, USA |

    (This happened about 6 or 7 years ago when I was a teenager. I had long hair then and sometimes wore it in pigtails. I’m finishing up a transaction with a customer.)

    Customer: “Aw, I just love your hair! It looks so cute!”

    Me: “Thanks! I like wearing it up like this, but it makes me look younger than I am. I get called ‘hun’ and ‘sweetheart’ a lot when it’s up.”

    Customer: *gasps* “Now you listen here! I’m one of those ones who calls people ‘hun’ and I don’t like your attitude. You need to learn to take a compliment and not be such a brat!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: *grabs her stuff out of my hands, marches away, and slams the door behind her*

    You Got The Wrong(est) Item

    | Redlands, CA, USA | Top

    (A mother approaches me with her daughter.)

    Customer: “I’m hosting some of my daughters friends for the night and I couldn’t find your condoms.” *puts her hand on her daughter’s head* “Lucy is turning 13.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, condoms! Ketchup and mustard. We’re having a BBQ. It’s simple. Where are they?”

    Me: “Oh! Condiments.”

    Customer: “Yes, condoms. Where are they?”

    Related:
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number

    It’s Not Just The Bread That’s Thick

    | Madison, WI, USA | Food & Drink

    Customer: “How thick do you slice my bread?”

    Me: “It depends how thick you’d like it. We have both a thin and thick slicer.” *gestures to show each thickness*

    Customer: “Are you sure that’s as thick as you slice the bread? Show me a thick slice. Maybe you got it wrong.”

    Me: “Okay, one moment.” *gets a thick slice of bread*

    Customer: “That’s it? THAT’S your thick slice? You didn’t grab the thin by mistake?”

    Me: “No, sir, I made sure to get a thick slice. I don’t have to slice it if you’d rather do it yourself.”

    Customer: “No! I shouldn’t have to slice it myself to make it filling! You should change your bread. I’m used to good, thick European bread. You shouldn’t even be called a bakery, you don’t make real bread!”

    Me: “Sorry, I don’t actually make the bread. I just sell it.”

    Customer: “Oh, and I suppose you didn’t name the company either?”

    Me: “No, I didn’t.”

    Customer: “DON’T GET SMART WITH ME!”

    Gift Barred

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (A guest orders her ticket and pulls out her wallet.)

    Customer: “Oh, I have a gift card!”

    (The guest holds out white plastic card with our logo on it.)

    Me: “This is an employee swipe card. We use them for signing in and out at the beginning and end of a shift.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Me: “Where did you get this?”

    Customer: “I found it.”

    (The guest is about to return the card to her wallet.)

    Me: “I’m going to need to hold on to that…”

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