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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Not Exactly The Pick Of The Litter

    | Dearborn, MI, USA |

    Customer: “I’m looking for the right kind of food for my new rottweiler puppy.”

    Me: “No problem, I’d be happy to help you. And since your little guy here is a large breed dog, he needs to stay on the puppy food for two years before switching to the adult formula.”

    Customer: “Large breed?”

    Me: “Yes, this little guy is a rottweiler mix. He will probably be around 90-110 pounds.”

    Customer: “Oh…so if I keep him on puppy food, will he stay small like this?”

    Barely Scratched The Surface

    | Paxton, IL, USA |

    Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”

    Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tellme what you are going to use it for?”

    Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”

    Up His Own Perineum

    | Canada |

    Me: “Hello sir, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for some perennials who don’t need maintenance on it.”

    Me: “Well, we got a few who need very low attention, but–”

    Customer: “–and I don’t want to water them! I don’t have time for that!”

    Me: “Every plants need water sir, even cactus, but we–”

    Customer: “And they gonna be by the pool, so they need to be waterproof, too!”

    Me: “Waterproof?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so the chlorine won’t affect them and they will not die!”

    Me: “So you want some flowers who doesn’t need maintenance, don’t need water and that chlorine won’t kill?”

    Customer: “Yep, that’s it!”

    Me: “Plastic flowers gonna work?”

    Customer: “Do you think I am stupid! Get me your manager!”

    (I call my manager, and the customer explains everything he wants to my boss. My manager responds similarly…)

    Manager: “Plastic flowers?”

    Customer: “You guys don’t know anything about gardening!”

    The Devil Revils In The Details

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Can I check out books?”

    Me: “Do you have a library card?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: *checks out books* “Okay, you’re all set. These are due back January 15.”

    Customer: “But that was 11 months ago!”

    Me: “January 15 of 2010, ma’am.”

    Customer: “What if I return them NEXT January 15?”

    Me: “Then you would owe $365 in overdue fines, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But it would still be January 15!”

    Charitable Mis-Trust

    | Kansas, USA |

    Me: “Hello, this is *** calling on behalf of the [charitable organization]. Am I speaking with Mrs. ***?”

    Customer: “Yes, what’s this about?”

    Me: “Well, I’m calling because you pledged a $100 donation to the [charitable organization] but unfortunately, the donation was never received. Would you like me to send you a return envelope?”

    Customer: “I never pledged $100. Are you sure you have the right name?”

    Me: “Well, maybe the donation was made by your husband. It will take me a few moments to get to that screen on my computer and then we can get this all straightened out.”

    Customer: “No, my husband would’ve told me if he’d pledged money. I really think you have the wrong number.”

    Me: “According to our records the pledge was made under the name ‘Ryan’. Is that your husband?”

    Customer: “No. That’s my nine-year-old son.”

    Me: “Oh…I’m so sorry ma’am, that pledge should not have gone through the system. I can cancel it for you if you’d like. I really do apologize.”

    Customer: “No! Don’t cancel it. If he promised you $100, then by God, he’s going to have to find a way to pay you that $100!”

    Me: “Ma’am, really, that’s not necessary. Our reps should have verified his age before accepting a donation from him. Really, it’s no trouble at all for me to cancel it for you.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not very happy with my son right now, and I know a nine-year-old boy who’s really not going to be happy when he gets home from school. At least someone should get something out of this! Thank you for bringing this to my attention…”

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