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    Always A Barista, Never A Bride

    | Hillsboro, OR, USA |

    (An older gentleman comes in to order his coffee. He is a regular customer and a lot of times his wife will come in with him, but today she is running late.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Just coffee.”

    Me: “Alright, that’ll be a $1.50.”

    Customer: “Are you somebody’s bride?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You know, a wife. Are you somebody’s wife?”

    Me: “Not last time I checked, no.”

    Customer: “Because I need a bride to warm my hands on and mine is nowhere to be found.”

    Me: “Oh. Let’s hope she gets here soon, then.”

    Right-Click, Wrong-Click, Part 2

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Sir, to configure the modem I need you to clear your desktop. Right-click on ‘networking’, and then select ‘properties’.”

    Customer: “It turned blue. I don’t see ‘properties’. Now what?”

    Me: “You don’t see a selection menu?”

    Customer: “No, the icon just turned blue.”

    Me: “Ah, I see. I need you to right-click on the icon.”

    Customer: “I am right-clicking! Nothing is happening.”

    Me: “Are you sure you are right-clicking?”

    Customer: “Yes! I am right-clicking. As compared to what, wrong-clicking?!”

    Me: “No, sir. As compared to left-clicking.”

    (There is a noticeable silence.)

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Related:
    Right-Click, Wrong-Click

    Let It Rip

    | Portsmouth, NH, USA |

    (I work at a music store, which also sells tickets to local concerts. I have just finished selling tickets to this customer.)

    Customer: “What happens if these get ripped?”

    Me: “Most of the venues will still take the ticket as long as you have all of the pieces and the concert information is legible. If the tickets do get ripped, though, be sure to call the venue ahead of time. Just to be sure they’ll still honor them.”

    Customer: “I went to [well-known amusement park] and they wouldn’t let me in because my ticket was ripped.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s too bad.”

    Customer: “I saw them ripping the tickets as people went in. I ripped mine while waiting in line, to save time. Do you know how this place will rip the tickets? I’d like to do it before I get there.”

    Me: “I thought you were talking about accidentally ripping the tickets. Yeah, I have no idea how this place will rip the tickets. You really shouldn’t rip any tickets on purpose.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “You never know if the ripped ticket will still be honored. You might end up not getting in and wasting your money.”

    Customer: “But it saves time!”

    War On Knowledge

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Caller: “Yes, I’m looking for something for my little grandson. He needs to dress up for school. Like someone from the civil war. Someone like George Washington. Do you have costumes or wigs or anything that could work for that?”

    Me: “Well, first a clarification as to what you’re looking for. Are you looking for someone from the civil war? Or from the revolutionary war?”

    Caller: “Right! Do you have anything like that?”

    Me: “Well, George Washington would be the revolutionary war. Are you looking for something like George Washington for the revolutionary war? Or do you want something from the civil war?”

    Caller: “Well, something from that time period.”

    Me: “Well, you see that’s two different time periods. You mentioned George Washington. Is that what you want?”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t know. He was one of the Presidents, right?”

    *pause*

    Me: “Right.”

    Caller: “President of Virginia, or something like that? The state of Virginia?”

    Not Quite As Fast As A Fox In A Fire

    | New Zealand |

    (The customer is having difficulty with our website. One of the common reasons is using an incompatible browser.)

    Me: “Okay, maybe it’s a problem with your browser. What web browser are you using?”

    Customer: “Mozzarella filofax.”

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