The Recoil Is Amazing

| Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m stocking cans of soup at the end of an aisle when I hear a voice say “Beep Beep!” I just ignore it but it continues to get louder. I turn around to see an elderly male customer with a shopping cart.)

Customer: “Beep, beep!”

Me: “Oh! Hi there. Did you need help finding anything today, sir?”

Customer: “Beep, beep!”

(He then proceeds to ram his cart into my butt multiple times.)

Me: “Oh my, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was in your way. I’ll move.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s okay sweetie. I do that to all the pretty girls.”

Me: “Okay, well, I’ll let you go now.”

Customer: “Wanna share a can of soup, sweet cheeks?”

Me: *running away* “No, thank you!”

I Can Almost Feel Edward’s Embrace

| Grand Rapids, MI, USA | Books & Reading

Customer: “I want to know what romance books are good right now. I want a really good romance, since I’m going on vacation.”

Me: “Well, I don’t really read romance novels, but I can tell you what is popular. Have you read any Sherrilyn Kenyon?”

Customer: “What is it? Is it like vampires or something?”

Me: “It’s considered paranormal romance and is very popular.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want anything unrealistic.”

Me: “Well, then you probably don’t want a romance novel.”

Customer: “I want something realistic like Twilight. Do you have any books like that?”

The Early Bird Gets The Dumb Worm

| Blue Jay, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(We are a brand-new business. We’ve only been open for one week at this point. We open earlier than our competition because it’s a potential market.)

Customer: “What time do you open in the morning?”

Me: “5:00 am.”

Customer: “But [competition] opens at 6:00.”

Me: “Yes, they do.”

Customer: “So, why do you open at 5:00?”

Me: “Because some people leave for work before 6:00.”

Customer: “But [competition] doesn’t open until 6:00, so how can you open at 5:00?!”

A Chip Off The Non-biological Block

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Family & Kids

(It is the end of our day camp, and all of the parents are coming in to pick up their children.)

Me: “Look, [child]! Your mom is here. You know, you look just like her!”

Child: “No! I wanna look like my daddy!”

Mother, to my coworker and me: *quietly* “He doesn’t look like his dad at all, if you know what I mean.”

(The mother and child leave.)

Coworker: “I hope she meant that his father has a bunch of recessive traits.”

Involuntarily Voluntary Or Voluntarily Involuntary

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Food & Drink, Health & Body

(This happens to me while I am working as a cashier at a popular fast food place. A big, stereotypical jock teen in a football sweater comes up to my till.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get you today?”

Customer: “I’d like two apple pies, please.”

Me: “Sure, hang on a second.”

(I ring up the order and gives him the pies.)

Customer: “There’s something wrong…”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “I s*** my pants.”

Me: *shocked* “Wait, what?”

Customer: “I S*** MY PANTS!” *continues screaming and walks out of the store*

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