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    A Man Of Many Faces, All Of Them Dumb

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Top

    (I had lost my entire wallet just a week prior. A customer approaches my check stand. He has an 18-pack of beer on the belt, and he looks about 20 years old.)

    Me: *ringing him up* “ID, please.”

    Customer: “You got it!”

    (The customer pulls out a wallet that looks exactly like mine, broken chain and all. He then proceeds to show me my own ID.)

    Me: *taking my wallet back from him* “Two problems with this.”

    Customer: “What the h***, man?!”

    Me: “First off, this is MY ID; MY wallet. Secondly, I’m not 21, and neither is this thing.”

    Customer: *runs out of the store*

    When You Know You Need Better Glasses Or Better Handwriting

    | Augusta, GA, USA |

    (In taking a call, I ask a customer to read me some numbers from her hardware in order to access her account.)

    Customer: “3-7-V…”

    Me: *repeating* “3-7-V.”

    Customer: “3-7-V!”

    Me: *thinking I’ve misheard, correcting* “3-7-B?”

    Customer: “3-7-V!”

    Me: “…3-7-V? ‘V’ like ‘Victor’?”

    Customer: “3-7-V! V! ‘V’ like ‘umbrella’!”

    When You’re Always Right, The Earth Revolves Around You

    , | Kennesaw, GA, USA |

    (While working at the drive-thru window early one morning, a woman starts talking to me as I am waiting on her food.)

    Customer: “Can you name 7 planets?”

    Me: “Uh…I can name 9, if you want to include Pluto…” *names the planets*

    Customer: “What about the sun?”

    Me: “The sun is a star.”

    Customer: “Oh. What about the moon?”

    Me: “The moon is our natural satellite…”

    Customer: “Huh. But it doesn’t move.”

    Me: “The moon revolves around the Earth.”

    Customer: “But the moon doesn’t move. I can see it right now.”

    Me: *hands her her food* “OK ma’am…have a nice day.”

    And Here’s To You, Fido Robinson

    | Mountain View, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, Mrs. ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m very upset because you have my dog’s name before my last name here on this check-in sheet!”

    Me: “Well, that’s because we print out the pet’s first name and your last name so we know who the pet belongs to.”

    Customer: “But this is horrible! It is though you are saying I am married to my dog! I’m not into bestiality!”

    Me: “No, it is more that we are trying to say that you are like the pet’s parent.”

    Customer: “You are saying that I gave birth to a dog?!”

    Me:” No…I’m really sorry, but the computer prints out the pet’s first and the owner’s last name. It is part of the system and I cannot change it.”

    Customer: “It’s the computer’s fault?”

    Me: “Yes. I am so sorry, but I cannot change the program. It does this for every pet.”

    Customer: “Then black out the name on the paper so nobody thinks I am married to him!”

    Diaper Baby Buffet Dumpers

    | Vancouver, Canada | Family & Kids

    (I’m a customer coming back from the buffet line with food and notice another customer changing her baby’s diaper, right in the middle of the seating area.)

    Me: “Madam? You can’t do that here.”

    Customer: “This won’t be too long!”

    Me: “That’s a table–you can’t change your baby there!”

    Customer: “Yes, I can! I just need to be quick! You can just clean this!”

    Me: “I happen to be a health inspector and–”

    Customer: “S***!” *runs away with the baby, leaving the dirty diaper on the table*

    Me: “–that was my table right there.”

    Bus boy: “Let me move you to a new table…”

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