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    Laziness Has Its Advantages

    | Langhorne, PA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [hospital]. How can I help you?”

    Visitor: “I’d like to file a complaint. Is there a paper or something I can fill out?”

    Me: “Sure. There are feedback forms right–”

    Visitor: “[Patient]‘s room is too far away! I’ve had to walk around this place too much. Too much walking. I don’t want to do any more walking!”

    Me: “Okay. There are forms right on that desk over there.” *I point to desk a few feet away*

    Visitor: “No, no, no! Forget it! If they’re too far away I don’t wanna do it! I don’t wanna walk that far! Goodbye!” *walks out of the hospital*

    Temporal Retentive

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I work at a restaurant as a hostess. I see a customer, her young daughter, and her mother on their way out so I bid them farewell.)

    Me: “Have a nice night. Thanks for coming!” *smile*

    (The customer gives me a long stare and then mimics me.)

    Customer: *sarcastically* “Have a nice night…”

    Customer’s mother: “Can I have your store’s phone number and your name? I would like to complain about your behavior!”

    (I don’t know what this is about, but I still give them the phone number. Two hours later…)

    Manager: “Hey, a lady just called and complained about you.”

    Me: “Really? What did she say?”

    Manager: “You told her to have a nice night.”

    Me: “What’s wrong with that?”

    Manager: “It was still light outside.”

    18 And Blunder

    | Montreal, Canada | Top

    Me: “Hello, this ***. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I have your company name on my credit card bill with a charge of $29.99. I’ve never heard of you guys.”

    Me: “Okay, sir…there’s a purchase of a monthly subscription to our adult website in here.”

    Customer: “Adult website? What, as in porno?”

    Me: “That’s correct, sir.”

    Customer: “This is nonsense! I’ve never bought any porn!”

    Me: “Sir, we do have the order in your info in here. If you are not satisfied with the content, however, we can give you a refund.”

    Customer: “I never ordered any porn! This is an outrage! I’m a married man, a father and a family man!”

    Me: “You said family man, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “How old is your son, sir?”

    Customer: *long pause* “I’ll call you back.” *click*

    Night Of The Loving Dead

    | New York, NY, USA | Top

    (I’m a personal trainer and at the end of a set my client makes an announcement.)

    Customer: “So, I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

    Me: “Um, what?”

    Customer: “I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

    Me: “And why would you think that?”

    Customer: “Because I’m always tired and I keep falling asleep at my desk.”

    Me: “Narcoleptic.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “You think you’re narcoleptic.”

    Customer: “Right. What did I say?”

    Me: “Necrophiliac.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    (I tell him.)

    Customer: “Oh God NO!”

    Time For An Allergic Retraction

    | Colorado, USA | Top

    Customer: “Can I have the breakfast sandwich without tomato, please?”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but the sandwich is pre-made. You can just take the tomato off it, if you want.”

    Customer: “No! I’m extremely allergic to tomatoes. That could kill me!”

    Me: “Well, if you want to wait five minutes or so, I’ll make you one special without tomatoes.”

    Customer: “That would be great.”

    (I go to the kitchen, wash everything that might have touched a tomato, and make the guy a sandwich. I come back out and hand it to him.)

    Customer: “Thanks. You got any ketchup?”

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