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    No Gastric Pain, No Gain

    | Charlotte, NC, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [health club]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Can I bring a meatball sub with me to eat during my workout?”

    Me: “No, food is not allowed when using any of the gym equipment.”

    Customer: “That’s not true. People have those protein shakes in there all the time.”

    Me: “Those are liquefied and in sealed containers.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “If I blend my sub and put it in a container, would that be okay?”

    Me: “I guess it would…”

    Flying The Foul-Mouthed Skies

    | Albany, NY, USA | Top

    (Note: when checking in for a flight, customers are asked to provide the customer service agent with a 6-digit code.)

    Me: “May I have your confirmation code please, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Sure. It’s A as in a**h***, F as in f***, 1, 5, B as in b****, and C as in c**t.”

    Me: *flabbergasted* “Um, okay…thank you. I’ll just find you in the system…”

    The Featherweight Watchers Program

    | Richmond, VA, USA |

    Customer: “I need to get a new box of this…” *hands me a box of bird seed*

    Me: “Sure, was there a problem with it?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it was messy. I had to keep picking through sticks to get to the good stuff.”

    Me: “Wait, were you eating this? ”

    Customer: “Uh-huh, just now, in my car. It’s good, but I had to keep picking through the sticks.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is actually bird seed. ”

    Customer: “Oh, is it? Well, it’s pretty good. It just has a lot of sticks in it.”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m a little worried that this might be dangerous for consumption by humans, so if you’ll hang on a minute, let me call someone.”

    (I call Poison Control and they tell me she will be fine. The only problem is that the bird seed would have a high fat content. I relay this to the customer.)

    Customer: “Oh. Well, if it’s high in calories, I don’t want it!”

    The Pearly Hyperbaric Chambers

    | Midwest USA |

    (I work in a clinic where we test drugs on people. Upon check-in, we confiscate any items that could disrupt the study. I’m returning a pair of ankle weights to a participant; we had to remove them so he wouldn’t work out during the study.)

    Me: “Here are your items.” *hands him ankle weights*

    Participant: “Can I put them on now?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Participant: *sits down and straps on weights* “You know why I wear these?”

    Me: “…to build muscle?”

    Participant: “So I don’t get the bends when the rapture comes!”

    Almost As Dangeroos As The Jackalopes

    | Montana, USA |

    Park visitor: “Excuse me, sir. I was wondering about where I could see deer in this park.”

    Me: “Just about anywhere.”

    Park visitor: “And what about the dangeroos?”

    Me: “The what?!”

    Park visitor: “The dangeroos. Where should I go for those?”

    Me: “I don’t think we have dangeroos. In fact, I don’t think that’s even a word.”

    (The visitor pulls out a yellow information sheet. Everyone who enters National Parks receives one at the entrance.)

    Park visitor: *pointing at sheet* “Right here. It says, ‘Bears are dangeroos’. I thought that was a type of bear you had here.”

    Related:
    Oh Give Me a Home, Where The Jackalopes Roam

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