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    There Is No App For That

    | Canterbury, England, UK | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling reception. How may I help?”

    Guest: *in heavily accented English* “The phone is not working!”

    Me: “I beg your pardon, sir, but the phone does seem to be working as you are calling me on it.”

    Guest: “No! The phone is not working!”

    Me: “The phone is definitely working sir. If you would like an outside line, dial 9.”

    (I hear button being pressed.)

    Me: “No, not when you’re on the phone to me. You need to hang up and then press 9.”

    Guest: “Wait, I’ll get my wife.”

    (There’s a brief pause. His wife gets on the phone.)

    Wife: “The phone is not working!”

    Me: “The phone is working, madam. You need to hang up, then pick up again and press 9.”

    Wife: “But the phone is not working!”

    Me: “Did you try the international dialling code?”

    Wife: “No! The phone is not working–and my hair is wet!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Wife: “The hair-phone! The hair-phone is not working!”

    Me: “Do you mean hairdryer?”

    Wife: “Yes! The hairdryer is not working!”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll send someone up.”

    Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 2

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA | Top

    (I have albinism, so I have very pale skin, white hair, and red irises.)

    Me: “Hi. What can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Are…are you a vampire?”

    Me: “Well, my dad is half-vampire.” *laughing*

    Customer: “Please, don’t bite me.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to bite you.”

    Customer: “Don’t put any blood in my food either. I don’t want to be a vampire.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to put blood in your food. I’m not a vampire. We serve regular food here.”

    Customer: “Let me speak to your manager.”

    (I go and get my manager, and fill him in on what’s going on.)

    Customer, to my manager: “Is your vampire waitress going to bite me?”

    Manager: “Only if you don’t tip her well.”

    (The woman looks completely horrified, but finally ends up ordering and leaving me a 21% tip.)

    Less Twilight, More Daylight

    Answer Pwned

    | Worcester, England, UK | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, this is [name] speaking. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hello, I’ve got an answer phone message from you saying my boiler engineer appointment is today. I accidentally deleted the message. Does that mean he’s not coming?”

    Enough To Make You See Stars

    | London, England, UK | Top

    Me: “How can I help you today, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Is e-mail internet”?

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Caller: “Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet. Can I still read my e-mail?”

    Me: “Well, yes. You must be able to get online to view your e-mail.”

    Caller: “Oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.”

    Me: “Well, let’s see. Can you open up your browser for me, and tell me what you see?”

    Caller: “Open what?”

    Me: “Your browser…can you open up your browser?”

    Caller: “My…my…what?”

    Me: “It’s what you click on when you want to browse the internet.”

    Caller: “I don’t use anything. I just turn my computer on, and it’s there.”

    Me: “Okay. Do you see the little blue ‘e’ icon on your desktop?”

    Caller: “You mean I have to start writing letters again?”

    Me: “I’m…what, I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “I don’t have any pens at my desk. I just want my e-mail again.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Your desktop, on your computer screen. Can you click on the little blue ‘e’ on your computer screen for me?”

    Caller: “Oh, this is too much work. I’m too upset. Just send me my e-mail. Can’t you send me my e-mail?”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can you tell me what color the lights are on your router right now?”

    Caller: “My what?”

    Me: “The little box with green or, possibly, a couple of red lights on it right now. It’s most likely near your computer?”

    Caller: “Lights and boxes, boxes and lights. Just get my e-mail for me.”

    Me: “My test is showing that you should be able to get online right now. Can you tell me what you’re seeing on your computer screen?”

    Caller: “It’s been the same thing for the last two hours.”

    Me: “An error message?”

    Caller: “No, just stars. It’s black and moving stars.”

    Me: “Do you see your mouse next to your keyboard?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Move it for me.”

    Caller: “Move it?”

    Me: “Yes. Move it.”

    Caller: “My e-mail!”

    Hello, This Is Mr. Bobcalling

    | MD, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, you’ve reached [store]. This is Liz speaking. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, Lizspeaking. Do you have this in stock?”

    (I have no idea how to gently correct him, so I let it be and put the item he wants on hold. He then comes in later to pick up his item and approaches my coworker.)

    Customer: “Are you Ms. Lizspeaking?”

    Coworker: “What?”

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