November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Their Business Days Are Numbered

| American Fork, UT, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling! Can I have your customer ID number, please?”

Caller: “I don’t have that. Can I give you the business name?”

Me: “Do you have your program open? I can actually tell you how to find your customer ID number.”

Caller: “No, but I have the address.”

Me: “Do you have the phone number by chance? That usually brings it up.”

Caller: “No, but I have the customer number. Will that help?”

Me: “Yes, the customer number would be very helpful…”

Shouldn’t Have Rented Conspiracy Theory

, | Portland, OR, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [online movie rental]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m having a problem with my account. I think I may have uncovered a serious conspiracy to keep me from getting movies!”

Me: “That’s definitely not good. I’d love to take a look at your account. May I have your name please?”

Caller: “I’d better not give you my name. They may be listening now. I’d rather make this as anonymous as possible.”

Me: “That’s fine. What’s going on?”

Caller: “My postman will only pick up my movies every three days unless I put a dollar in each return envelope. I’m afraid you guys are paying them to do this!”

Me: “I can assure you we want you renting movies. That’s what we’re in business for. Have you tried returning your movies from another location?”

Caller: “When I do that, it takes even longer for them to get picked up! I’ve been staying up until midnight to put my movies in my mailbox so the postman can’t see. I was out last night, and I slipped on some wet leaves! I said to myself, ‘Why am I living like this?’ So, I thought I should call you.”

Me: “Sir, if you’re concerned your postman isn’t doing his job, I can get you a number for the mail customer care line.”

Caller: *whispering emphatically* “You don’t understand! He’s the only one and he has the only key! Look into the mailboxes! The only key! Beeeeee saaaaaaaafe!” *click*

Up-Front Desk

| Perth, West Australia, Australia | Uncategorized

(A guest is checking in.)

Guest: “And would it be okay if I bring a prostitute to the room later?”

Me: *startled* “Uh. Well. I guess if no other guests are in anyway disturbed or affected.”

Guest: “Well, that’s terrific. She’ll be coming by at about 8:30pm. But if she looks ugly, just send her back without giving her my room number.”

Stuck In The Wake Of Spring Break

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Uncategorized

Guest: “Do you have any vacancies tonight?”

Me: “I’m sorry. We’re completely booked tonight.”

Guest: “Do you know if any other hotels in the area have any rooms?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I checked with all the hotels near us, and all of them are completely booked as well. I heard complaints from other people that they couldn’t find hotels anywhere else in town either.”

Guest: “What’s going on in town that’s causing it to be so busy?”

Me: “Spring break.”

Guest: “Oh. I didn’t think so many people would come here for that.”

Me: “I’m sorry. What brings you to town?”

Guest: “Spring break.”

Need To Purge That Urge

| WA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi! Thanks for calling. How can I help?”

Customer: “I need to know what kinds of [adult] toys you sell.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I can show you how to use our search feature! Are you on the website now?”

Customer: “I don’t want to look. I want you to tell me! Describe them.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can help you use the website.”

(The customer gets upset, and starts talking about her physical urges that demand these items.)

Me: “I will be more than happy to show you how to search on the website. If not, I will need to end this call.”

Customer: “I don’t have a computer.”

Me: “Well, do you have a friend’s computer, or maybe internet on your phone that you can use?”

Customer: “Nah, I don’t have none of that.”

Me: “Well, maybe a public library?”

Customer: “Nah. They don’t let me in there no more.”