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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Million Dollar Baby (Carrots)

    | Montreal, Canada |

    Me: “Welcome to [kitchen store]. Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “Oh! Aren’t you a lovely young thing! I need something that will cut vegetables into slices. You see, I’m quite the chef, I have a very expensive home in New York, and I have a million dollar kitchen!”

    Me: “Well, we have a variety of slicers…”

    (I bring him to a shelf with vegetable slicers. He proceeds to open a knapsack and takes out a cucumber, a carrot, other assorted vegetables.)

    Me: “Sir, what are you doing?”

    Customer: “I have to test the slicer! I can’t buy just any old slicer! What will they think?”

    (He begins slicing a cucumber with one of the models on display.)

    Me: “What will who think?”

    Customer: “MY GUESTS! MY GUESTS! THEY’LL JUDGE ME WHEN THEY COME TO VISIT MY MILLION DOLLAR KITCHEN! Ugh! This slicer is horrible! Look at that! I nearly cut my own finger off! This is despicable. I’ll be back tomorrow, dear, and I expect you to have more advanced slicers by then.”

    (He begins stroking my arm frantically, so my co-worker politely escorts him out of the store. His cucumber, mind you, stayed behind.)

    The Trim Reaper

    | Illinois, USA |

    Customer: “Are these real trees?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I mean, are they live trees?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “So, we just go cut them down, right?”

    Me: “That’s right!”

    Customer: “Will it still be a live tree after we cut it down?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but cutting the tree down does mean the tree will die. However, if you water it daily, it should survive until Christmas.”

    Customer: “But you said those were live trees!”

    Pink Is The New Black

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    Caller: “Is this the store that sells those little Christmas trees in different colors? Including the one in black?”

    Me: “Yes, it is. Are you interested in one?”

    Caller: “No! I want to complain! You’re selling black Christmas trees! That’s satanic!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. We sell lots of other colors, too. Pink, purple, neon green, silver.”

    Caller: “Your store is owned by the Devil! Black is the color of Satan! You should be ashamed!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We sell many different colors of trees and a lot of customers really like the black tree. I can assure you, it’s just a Christmas tree.”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t agree. I think black is satanic! Christmas trees should be green!”

    Me: “I understand and will inform our manager of your feelings. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Caller: “Oh, yes…can you put one of those pink Christmas trees on hold for me? I think they’re just so cute!”

    It’s No Net Loss

    | Glasgow, UK |

    Customer: “I’ve just received a leaflet for broadband from you. What’s broadband?”

    Me: “It’s a faster type of internet.”

    Customer: “What’s internet?”

    Me: “It’s a method of accessing information through a computer.”

    Customer: “What’s a computer?”

    Me: “I don’t think this offer is for you, sir.”

    The Funny Pharm-acy

    | United Kingdom |

    (I work in a shopping mall. On my lunch break, I visit the pharmacy. A woman runs into me.)

    Customer: “You! Where do you keep your toilet paper?”

    Me: “In my cupboard.”

    Customer: “How dare you talk to me that way! I want to talk to your manager!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t work here.”

    Customer: “Oh, so now you’re going to get into trouble, it’s ‘I don’t work here’, eh?”

    Me: *pointing to the company logo on my shirt* “No, I genuinely do not work here. I work in [shop name], see?”

    Customer: “So you don’t wear your uniform either? Where’s your manager?” *turns to make-up counter employee* “Are you her manager, missy?”

    Make-up Counter Employee: “Yes, yes I am.” *turns to me, winking* “Don’t do that again.”

    Customer: “Thank you! See, now I can shop here again!” *to make-up counter employee* “You! Where do you keep your toilet paper?”

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