Featured Story:
  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • The Trim Reaper

    | Illinois, USA |

    Customer: “Are these real trees?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I mean, are they live trees?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “So, we just go cut them down, right?”

    Me: “That’s right!”

    Customer: “Will it still be a live tree after we cut it down?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but cutting the tree down does mean the tree will die. However, if you water it daily, it should survive until Christmas.”

    Customer: “But you said those were live trees!”

    Pink Is The New Black

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    Caller: “Is this the store that sells those little Christmas trees in different colors? Including the one in black?”

    Me: “Yes, it is. Are you interested in one?”

    Caller: “No! I want to complain! You’re selling black Christmas trees! That’s satanic!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. We sell lots of other colors, too. Pink, purple, neon green, silver.”

    Caller: “Your store is owned by the Devil! Black is the color of Satan! You should be ashamed!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We sell many different colors of trees and a lot of customers really like the black tree. I can assure you, it’s just a Christmas tree.”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t agree. I think black is satanic! Christmas trees should be green!”

    Me: “I understand and will inform our manager of your feelings. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Caller: “Oh, yes…can you put one of those pink Christmas trees on hold for me? I think they’re just so cute!”

    It’s No Net Loss

    | Glasgow, UK |

    Customer: “I’ve just received a leaflet for broadband from you. What’s broadband?”

    Me: “It’s a faster type of internet.”

    Customer: “What’s internet?”

    Me: “It’s a method of accessing information through a computer.”

    Customer: “What’s a computer?”

    Me: “I don’t think this offer is for you, sir.”

    The Funny Pharm-acy

    | United Kingdom |

    (I work in a shopping mall. On my lunch break, I visit the pharmacy. A woman runs into me.)

    Customer: “You! Where do you keep your toilet paper?”

    Me: “In my cupboard.”

    Customer: “How dare you talk to me that way! I want to talk to your manager!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t work here.”

    Customer: “Oh, so now you’re going to get into trouble, it’s ‘I don’t work here’, eh?”

    Me: *pointing to the company logo on my shirt* “No, I genuinely do not work here. I work in [shop name], see?”

    Customer: “So you don’t wear your uniform either? Where’s your manager?” *turns to make-up counter employee* “Are you her manager, missy?”

    Make-up Counter Employee: “Yes, yes I am.” *turns to me, winking* “Don’t do that again.”

    Customer: “Thank you! See, now I can shop here again!” *to make-up counter employee* “You! Where do you keep your toilet paper?”

    Trial By Telephone Wire

    | New Brunswick, Canada |

    Caller: “I keep getting calls from you people and I want them to stop!”

    Me: “Ma’am, what are the calls regarding?”

    Caller: “I don’t know! They say they want to verify who they’re calling?”

    Me: “Is it as though the caller doesn’t know who they’re calling?”

    Caller: “Yes, and I want them to stop”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I can certainly connect you to our do-not-call line. All you have to do is listen to the prompt and hit the appropriate key.”

    (The caller continues to goes on tirade, which turns out to be a different company than the one I work for. Literally every second word is a curse. I finally decide to cut in and stop her.)

    Me: *very politely* “Ma’am, you’re calling [my company]. We have nothing to do with [other company] and any calls they might be giving you. However, I would be happy to get you the phone number for [other company] if you would wait a moment.”

    Caller: *pauses a moment* “Oh…oh my gosh. I am so sorry! You…were so nice! Why were you so nice to me? I was swearing at you!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’ve worked at three different call centers, and nothing will ever compare to what people called me in tech support.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. That makes sense!”

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