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  • Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose
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    Messianic Rejects

    | Ohio, USA |

    (I check in families to our kids’ program. An older woman approaches me with her two grandkids. I give her the form to fill out).

    Me:  “Oh, ma’am, could I get your birthday? You left that line blank.”

    Grandmother: “No.”

    Me: “But ma’am, we need that to identify you as an adult. We can’t enter you into the computer without that information.”

    Grandmother: “Would Jesus have to give his birthday?”

    When Presumptions Meet Postmodernism

    | Cardiff, Wales, UK |

    Customer: “I’d like to get this DVD for my son.” *hands me a copy of Watchmen*

    Me: “How old is your son, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Five.”

    Me: “Sorry, this film isn’t suitable for your son.”

    Customer: “But it’s about superheroes! How can a film about superheroes be unsuitable for kids?”

    Me: “There is a scene where one of the heroes cuts a man’s head in half with a meat cleaver.”

    Customer: “What, are they thick or something? How could you put that in a kid’s film?”

    She Has ‘Trouble’ Written All Over Her

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Customer: “Yeah, I want to see about getting a tattoo. Can you guys do that?”

    Me:  “Sure. Do you have something in particular in mind?”

    Customer:  “I don’t know? Something pretty?”

    Me: “Like a butterfly? A flower?”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe a word or something? Something that means something?  Do you have a book of words and what they mean?”

    Me:  “You mean like…a dictionary?”

    Neither Conspiracy Nor Coincidence Nor Concept Of Time

    | Texas, USA |

    Me: “[Restaurant], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, what time do you stop serving breakfast?”

    Me: “10:30.”

    Customer: “Okay, and what time does lunch start?”

    Me: “10:30.”

    Customer: “Well, that works out nicely, doesn’t it?”

    Ah, Mothers, Part 4

    | Staffordshire, UK |

    (A lady comes running up to the till almost in tears, screaming that she has lost her daughter. I ask the lady for her daughter’s details. As a rule, we are not allowed to say the child’s name.)

    Customer: “Just call her name!”

    Me: “We can’t do that. How old is she and what is she wearing?”

    Customer: “Just call her name! Please, I just need to find her. She’s lost. She’ll be scared.”

    Me: “If you can tell us what she looks like and her age, we can put a call out for her and everybody in store can look out for her.”

    Customer: “Just call her name will you! Stop being so cocky!”

    Me: “We really aren’t supposed to put out names. If somebody finds your daughter, she is more likely to go off with them if they say her name.”

    Customer: “Are you stupid? She is 37 years old! She isn’t going to go off with some stranger!”

    Related:
    Ah, Mothers, Part 3
    Ah, Mothers, Part 2
    Ah, Mothers

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