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    An Idiot At Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (Note: GPS systems in the area around our hotel rarely work.)

    Caller:: “I’m lost. How do I get to you?”

    Me: “Where are you?”

    Caller:: “I don’t know! I’m lost!”

    Me: “What are you near?”

    Caller:: “Bushes.”

    Me: “You’re going to have to be more precise. I can’t tell where you are just by your description.”

    Caller:: “They’re small bushes!”

    Not A Case Of If, But When…

    | New Haven, CT, USA |

    (While waiting in line, I overhear a conversation between a teenager and a police officer, both of whom are also waiting. The boy has red plastic cups and ping pong balls in hand.)

    Officer: “Can I ask what those are for?”

    Teenage customer: “No, no questions.”

    Officer: “Where’s the party?”

    Teenage customer: “No parties.”

    (The kid checks out, and as he’s walking out the door yells “SODA PONG!” and flicks his wrist.)

    Officer, to me: “Yeah, I’ll get the call in a couple hours.”

    Economic Recession For Dummies

    | Canandaigua, NY, USA |

    (I’m ringing out a customer at my register. He hands me a 10 dollar bill for his total of $5.22, but my hand slips on the decimal button, and the computer reads the cash amount as $522.00.)

    Me: “Whoops, sorry about that sir.”

    (I quickly calculate the correct change and hand it to him.)

    Customer: “Hey, you didn’t give me the right change.”

    Me: “I didn’t? That’s strange, I thought I had it right.”

    Customer: “It says here my change is $516.78, you only gave me $4.78″

    Me:“Oh, right! I accidentally put the decimal in the wrong place. Sorry about that.”

    (I hold out his bag of merchandise for him but he doesn’t budge.)

    Customer: “…Well? Aren’t you going to give me the rest of my change?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not allowed to just give out money.”

    Customer: (Brandishing receipt.) “But it says right here that my change is $516.78!”

    Me: “Sir, it also says that you gave me $522.00…”

    (Customer snatches up his merchandise and leaves.)

    Literally Dog Eared

    | Stockholm, Sweden |

    (A customer hands me really tattered and torn CD.)

    Customer: “I‚Äôd like to exchange this CD for another copy. It doesn‚Äôt play.

    Me: “What on earth have you done with it?”

    Customer: “Well, since there obviously was something wrong with the CD, I gave it to my dog to play with. You‚Äôre just going to return it right, so who cares about what condition it‚Äôs in?”

    Hailing Frequencies Open But Nobody’s Home

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Geeks Rule, Top

    (My brother runs a company that sells sci-fi and fantasy memorabilia. A customer came up to the table and started inspecting a replica Star Trek communicator.)

    Customer: “So does this actually work?”

    Me: “Oh, yes. When you flip it open, it lights up and plays
    authentic sound effects.”

    Customer: “No, no, I mean, does it actually communicate with the Enterprise?”

    Me: *joking* “Well, the ship would be out of range if it wasn’t in orbit.”

    Customer: *serious* “Oh, right!”

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