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    Intentions As Clear As Glass

    | Michigan, USA |

    (A customer comes up to the cash register holding her bill in one hand and a half-full glass of soda in the other. She sets the bill on the counter and hands me the glass.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, Ma’am. Did your waitress forget to bring you a to-go cup?”

    Customer: “Oh, no, I’m all finished, thanks.”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll just take this back to the dish-room to have it washed.”

    Customer: “Actually, could you just empty it and bring it back up here?”

    Me: “You mean empty it into a to-go cup?”

    Customer: “No, just dump the soda out and bring me the empty glass.”

    Me: “What are you going to do with an empty glass?”

    Customer: “Shove it in my purse and haul my a** out of here!”

    Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 3

    | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Hi, what can I get you?”

    Customer: “I want the chocolate ice cream.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. What size would you like?”

    Customer: “I want the size that fits in the waffle cone.”

    Me: “All of our sizes will fit in the waffles.”

    Customer: “Oh. Okay.”

    Me: “What size would you like?”

    Customer: “The one that comes in a waffle cone.”

    Me: “We can put any of the sizes in the waffles.”

    Customer: (Pause.) “Will the small fit in the waffle cone?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “What about the medium?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “And the large?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    Customer: (Longer pause.) “So, if I get the medium, can you put it in a waffle cone?”

    Related:
    Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 2
    Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition

    Lost Within A Hundred Feet Of Paradise

    | Anaheim, CA |

    Guest: “I need you to put [theme park] into my GPS.”

    Me: “Sir, it’s right around the corner. We even have a free shuttle that’ll take you over.”

    Guest: “No, I want to DRIVE. Just put the coordinates into my GPS.”

    Me: “Well, sir, it’s probably already a landmark in your GPS, but as I said, you just have to go out of the parking lot and turn right. The parking structure is just across the way there.”

    Guest: “I need exact directions! Put the location into my GPS!”

    Me: “Sir, I assure you, it’s already in your GPS. If you’d like, I can also provide you with a map. See?”

    (I show him a pre-printed paper map that indicates the parking structure is literally across the street.)

    Guest: “I want the park put into my GPS!”

    Me: “Sir, I promise you that the park is in your GPS already, unless it’s a very cheap unit.”

    Guest: “It came with my BMW rental!”

    Me: “Then it’s in there, I promise you.”

    Guest: “No, it’s not! Come out to my car and put it in!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t leave the desk, but if you bring the unit in, I will find the location for you.”

    Guest: “Fine!”

    (He leaves, and then returns with a high-end GPS unit.)

    Guest: “Here!”

    (I take the unit and call up the landmarks menu. Sure enough, there’s the park.)

    Me: “Here it is, sir.”

    Guest: *looks at the GPS unit* “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS AROUND THE D*** CORNER?!”

    Hear No Evil, Get Blinded By No Evil

    | Wyoming, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to change my room. I’m on the first floor and my window faces the outside, but I like to walk around naked with the curtains open.”

    (I search his face for hint of a joke, but I see none; he seems completely serious.)

    Me: “Of course, sir, I can put you on the fifth floor and make sure your window doesn’t face any other rooms.”

    Customer: “Thank you, that’d be great!”

    (I finish the room change and proceed to help the next customer.)

    Me, to the next customer: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Next customer: “Sorry, I just had visions of sugarplums dancing in my head…”

    Getting On Your Nerves

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (I am a dentist about to give a patient a shot of local anesthetic).

    Patient: “I hate needles. Will this hurt?”

    Me: “Just concentrate on taking nice, deep breaths. It’ll be
    over before you know it.”

    Patient: “Could you please tell me when you’re ready to give
    the shot? I need to know!”

    Me: “Sure. I’ll give it on the count of three. Ready? One, two–”

    Patient: *screams* “You’re killing me! It hurts so much!”

    Me: “I haven’t actually given you the shot yet.”

    Patient: “Oh. Well, um, I was just practicing for when you did.”

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