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    Solid Answer

    | PA, USA |

    (Our store phrase is “filled with love” and is printed on all of our products.)

    Customer: “So‚Ķ. if I bite into this… Will love pour out?”

    Me: “No, it’s solid love.”

    Not Subscribing To His Own Line Of Thought

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Why do I see another charge on my card from you?”

    Me: “Well, according to your account, you were automatically renewed about month ago.”

    Customer: “That’s an outrage! Can I have a refund?”

    Me: “Well, we do let you know that we renew on our upgrade page, and we sent you a renewal notice two weeks before you were charged. Since you’ve used our services since, I can’t give you a refund.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not happy. This is such a scam – how dare you. What are you going to do to make me happy?”

    Me: “I can give you a pro-rated refund.”

    Customer: “Fine. But make a note that I don’t like it. These automatic renewals are such a scam!”

    Me: “I can assure you it’s not a scam, though. Most internet companies use renewals, too.”

    Customer: “I know how it works! I’m in marketing. I set these up in my company!”

    Machines 1, Humanity -16

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (It’s 15 minutes before our law firm opens, and the phone has been ringing constantly. We normally let it go to the answering machine, but I decide to pick up since this caller obviously wants to talk to someone.)

    Me: “[Law firm], how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Your d*** law firm only has machines! I can’t ever talk to a real person! Why is that?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’re not open until 8:30 am. I just picked up the phone a little early since you kept calling. Also, I’m not a machine.”

    Caller: “Well, you tell the real people when they come in that they’re not getting my business!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am a real person. I can help you. Please, just let me have your name and I’ll look you up in our system.”

    Caller: “You d*** machines! I’m not giving you s***! When I finally talk to a real person, I’m going to let them have it!” *hangs up*

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    He Scolds Sea Shells By The Seafood Store

    | Portland, ME, USA |

    (A customer walks up to me with a box of popcorn shrimp.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, is this okay for someone with a shell fish allergy? My daughter is highly allergic to shell fish.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but shrimp are shell fish. Maybe you should get popcorn chicken instead?”

    Customer: “But it says it’s popcorn shrimp! That means that the shell is made of popcorn and not an actual shell. In that case, it would no longer be a shell fish and only seafood, right?

    Me: “Sir, shrimp has a shell, so it is a shell fish. The shells are not made out of popcorn.”

    Customer: “LIES!” *storms off, but thankfully leaves the box*

    Barking Up Your Own Tree

    | Maryland, USA |

    (Note: our coffee shop shares a building with a Mexican fast food place.)

    Me: “Good afternoon. This is [coffee shop], *** speaking.”

    Caller: “Hey, are you guys right beside [Mexican fast food place]?”

    Me: “Yeah, just come in the same door.”

    Caller: “Actually, I want to order from them, but they aren’t answering their phone.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Their manager comes in here fairly often. I’ll let him know he’s missing calls.”

    Caller: “Will you go over and place my order for me and have it delivered?”

    Me: “Ahh‚ĶI can’t do that. I don’t work for them.”

    Caller: “Please? It will just take a moment.¬†I can’t leave work.”

    Me: “Neither can I, sir.”

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