Stealer’s Remorse

| Cambridge, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Top

(We sell, among other things, cards for a popular trading card game. A customer walks in, walks directly to the counter, and pulls a few cards out of his pocket.)

Customer: “I’d like to purchase these, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, purchase? Don’t you mean sell?”

Customer: “Yeah, I didn’t have the money at the time. However, I didn’t want anybody else to get them, so I just left with them. I’d like to pay for them now, thanks.”

Life In Plastic, It’s Fantastic

| Texas, USA | Bizarre

Customer: “I need help, anyone!”

Me: *rushing over* “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Customer: “That TV is showing bad things!”

(The TV in question is playing movie trailers on loop.)

Me: “Which trailer did you find offensive?”

Customer: “The one with the girl that is saying the girl is perfect! Nobody’s perfect!”

(At that moment, a trailer for a new Barbie movie comes on.)

Customer: *screaming* “That’s the bad movie!”

Supermarket, The Musical

| Gainesville, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Musical Mayhem

(It has been a quiet morning but the store has been filling up and it is very loud. My ears haven’t quite adjusted yet.)

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

(I begin scanning and bagging her items.)

Customer: *mumbling*

Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

(The customer mumbles, and then begins singing something unintelligible. We play music in the store, so I thought she was singing along.)

Customer: *gradually increasing in volume* “No bag…no bag…NO bag…NO BAG!”

Me: “I’m sorry, are you singing, ‘No bag’?”

Customer: “Well, I told you a couple of times, but you went ahead and started bagging, so I decided to sing it!”

Try Not To Catch A Code

| Claremont, NH, USA | Technology

Me: “Hi, this is [computer repair]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I think there’s a problem with my computer. I was online and lots of windows starting popping up. Then, it locked up and I couldn’t do anything.”

Me: “That sounds like it has a virus. Just don’t touch it. Bring it in, and we’ll take a look at it, okay?”

Customer: “Oh no! I’ll be down shortly.”

(About thirty minutes later, a woman comes in with a disgusted and terrified look on her face. She is carrying her computer in a black trash bag.)

Customer: *hands me bag with outstretched hands* “Here, take it!”

Me: “Why is it in a black trash bag?”

Customer: “I didn’t want to catch the virus!”

My Daddy Pays For Necessities

| Blacksburg, VA, USA | At The Checkout

(Two girls are walking up to my register with a large quantity of beer.)

Girl #1: “I know it sucks, but you have to remember that we have to live in the real world now.”

Girl #2: “I know. I think I might hate the real world.”

(I check their IDs and tell them the total. The girl paying hands me her college charge card.)

Me: “You do realize that in the real world, your parents don’t buy your alcohol, right?”

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