Not Always Right on Facebook Not Always Right on Twitter Not Always Right Unfiltered on Tumblr
Featured Story:
  • Retort Against Those Who Extort
    (1,652 thumbs up)
  • September Theme Of The Month: Return Of The Geeks!
    Submit your story today!

    Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2

    | Israel | Top

    Me: “Hey there mate, what can I get ya?”

    Customer: “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”

    Me: “Coming right up!”

    (I serve him his drink, but as soon as I turn around to handle the other customers, a lowball glass comes flying through the air, hits the wall, and shatters to a million pieces. I turn back and see the customer with a frown on his face.)

    Me: “Why the h*** did you do that for?!”

    Customer: “Why’d you put f***ing ice in my drink?! I didn’t ask for no f***ing ice!”

    Me: “Yes, you did! You asked for scotch on the rocks!”

    Customer: “Yeah, and you put ice in it!”

    Me: “Do you know what a scotch is?”

    Customer: “Whiskey?”

    Me: “Exactly. And do you know what ‘on the rocks’ means?”

    Customer: “How you make it?”

    Me: “No, it stands for ice. Scotch with ice.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “You’re gonna have to pay for the drink and the glass and then get out.”

    Customer: “How f***ing dare you?!”

    Me: “Do you know what on the rocks also means?”

    Customer: “No! What?!”

    (The doorman takes him by the hand, and then tosses him out the front door.)

    Related:
    Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World

    Science, Stripped Down To A Soundbite

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    Customer: “The counter is wet.”

    Me: “Oh, it’s from condensation.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “When someone takes the milk out of the refrigerator, and it starts to become room temperature…it drips…”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “It’s water.”

    Customer: “Oh!”

    Revenge Is A Dish Best Served By Wives

    | Richmond, VA, USA | Top

    (At the nursing home where I work, we can sell lunches to visitors, but can’t sell them after 11:00. It’s a bummer, but usually people are understanding.)

    Customer: “I need to buy a lunch.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, but we can’t sell lunches after 11:00.”

    Customer: “Why not? ”

    Me: “Well, it’s so that the kitchen knows how many trays to have ready by lunchtime. They start on dinner almost as soon as lunch is served.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m hungry.”

    Me: “I really am sorry. I wish I could help, but lunch was served two hours ago. We do have a vending machine, and there are a couple of fast food places nearby.”

    Customer: “Are you stupid?”

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “I will sue you guys!”

    Me: “I really am sorry.”

    Customer: “I will sue you! Your lunch policy is ridiculous! This is what happens when little girls like you work in men’s jobs!”

    Me: “A man’s job?”

    Customer: “Yes! Since you obviously can’t do it since you’re a fifteen-year-old girl.”

    Me: “I’m twenty-one, sir.”

    Customer: “Then why aren’t you married?”

    Me: “…because my boyfriend hasn’t asked me yet?”

    Customer: “You should get married, get out of here, and let a man do your job.”

    Me: “…my job as a receptionist?”

    Customer: “He’d do it right! I am going to the biggest man here and complaining about your policies!”

    Me: “The biggest man here is a woman, sir.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Everyone in our business office is female, and so is our administrator.”

    Customer: “This place is doomed!”

    (Half an hour later, I ended up buying him a turkey sandwich from a nearby deli when I went out to get my own lunch. Not surprisingly, he didn’t thank me. However, this cloud has a silver lining: I also met his wife, who smacked him upside the head and called him a jacka**.)

    I Junk Mailed To Say I Love You

    | Reno, NV, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [wireless company]! How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, you sent me an ad and I want to let you know I’m very happy with the service I’m getting with a competitor, so I don’t need your services.”

    Me: “Of course, sir. Would you like to be taken off our mailing?”

    Customer: “Now, just a minute there, just a minute! I want to thank you for thinking of me. Nobody ever sends me anything in the mail these days, so I want to thank you for sending me things. I don’t want your services, but I’d like you to keep sending me the ads.”

    Me: “You don’t want to buy anything from us, but you want to keep receiving the advertisements? Am I understanding you correctly?”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s correct. Thank you for thinking of me.”

    Me: “Um, you’re welcome, sir! We’d be happy to keep sending you things in the mail, if that’s what you want.”

    Customer: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

    No Moviegoer Left Behind

    | San Antonio, TX, USA |

    (At the box office where I work, the customers have a bad habit of not reading the marquees for the names of their movie. Here are a few of the better ones:)

    Customer: “What’s Gadjicka about?” (Gothika)

    Customer: “I’d like two tickets for El Scorpio.” (The Scorpion King)

    Customer: “Is that Luxj movie any good?” (The League of Extraordinary Gentleman, abbreviated as LXG)

    Customer: “How dare you show a movie called School of C***?!” (School of Rock)

    Customer: “Can I have three for Legally Blind 2?” (Legally Blonde 2)

    (Best minimum wage job EVER.)

    Page 1,667/2,122First...1,6651,6661,6671,6681,669...Last