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    Not How You A-Dress A Customer

    , | Manchester, UK |

    Me: “Hello, [pizza delivery]. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to order some pizzas, please.”

    Me: “No problem.”

    (The call proceeds normally; she orders two pizzas and we make a little small talk.)

    Customer: “Can you deliver them, please?”

    Me: “Sure, address?”

    Customer: *long pause* “Pardon?”

    Me: “The address?”

    Customer: *long pause again* “I’d like to speak to your manager now, please.”

    Me: “Is there a problem?”

    Customer: “Just put your manager on!”

    (I call my manager over.)

    Manager: “Hello, what appears to be the issue?”

    (The manager talks with the customer for a while. He eventually hangs up, throws the order slip in the trash, and bursts out laughing.)

    Me: “What was all that about?”

    Manager: “She thought you were asking if she was wearing ‘a dress’ and wanted to complain.”

    Dripocalypse Now

    | St. Paul, MN, USA |

    (I work at a commercial property development/management company. I got this call from a new tenant’s office.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, [property management company].”

    Tenant: “This is going to sound crazy, but I think Armageddon might have just started in the break room.”

    Me: “Okay, why do you say that?”

    Tenant: “I turned on the tap, and blood came out of the faucet. So, it’s either the end of the world, or turkey blood.”

    Me: “Turkey blood?”

    Tenant: “We just washed out a turkey in the sink; maybe the blood got sucked back into the pipes. I don’t think we should drink the water.”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s pretty alarming. I’ve never heard of that happening, but I will get you a plumber out there ASAP.”

    Tenant: “Great, thanks. Everyone thinks I’m crazy, but I swear, blood came out!”

    Me: “I will take care of this, don’t worry.”

    (I hang up and call a plumber. While I’m waiting for the plumber to call back with a time, the tenant phones every 10 minutes and is getting increasingly hysterical. I finally get a time for the plumber and call the tenant.)

    Me: “A plumber should be out there within the hour.”

    Tenant: “Oh. Well. Um.”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Tenant: “False alarm…it wasn’t Armageddon, it was Crystal Light. The powder was stuck on the tap! Everybody here’s laughing! This is only my second day of this job. I’m never going to live this down!”

    Can’t Take A Hint (Or A Leak)

    | Westbrook, CT, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, the bathroom door is locked and I can’t get it open. Do you have the key?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. If the door is locked, that means someone is using it.”

    Customer: “Is there a way to make sure?”

    Me: “Did you knock?”

    Customer: “Yeah, and whoever is in there keeps yelling at me that they’ll be right out!”

    Lost In Translation

    | Avon, IN, USA | Bizarre

    (I’m a host at a restaurant and am talking to a customer after ringing them out.)

    Customer: “So, are you in high school?”

    Me: “No, I’m in college.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s great! What do you want to do with your degree?”

    Me: “Well, I’m majoring in history. I want to get a Ph.D. and be a professor.”

    Customer: “Oh, you shouldn’t do that. You should be an air traffic controller!”

    Me: “Um…I don’t know if that’s the right job for me. It would be a little too stressful.”

    Customer: “But you know what the worst job in the world is?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “Translator.”

    Me: “A translator? Why?”

    Customer: “Because the government kills them.”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “It’s true, my husband was in the Navy for 35 years, and after secret meetings the translators knew too much, so they would take them out back and shoot them.”

    Me: “Oh. Wow, that’s…terrible. I guess I won’t be a translator then.”

    Customer: “Good. Remember, become an air traffic controller!”

    Stuck In Reverse

    | Loudon, NH, USA |

    (Note: I am a woman that works at a convenience store nearby a motor speedway.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Male customer: “No, the only thing left I need is someone to tell me who is in which car racing today. You wouldn’t know anything about that.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but why wouldn’t I know anything about the race?”

    Male customer: “Well, ’cause you’re a woman!”

    Me: “Okay, sir, so what you’re saying is because I’m a woman I can’t possibly know anything about Jeff Gordon in 24, Ryan Newman in 39, or Tony Stewart in 14. Did I miss anyone that you were particularly interested in?”

    Male customer: “Umm…no?”

    Me: “Okay, then. Thank you and come again!”

    (The customer looks down, takes his items, and walks out of the store. The next customer is also male.)

    Next Customer: “So, what do you think about Stewarts’ chances this race?”

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