Featured Story:
  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Another Kid For Brangelina

    | London, UK | Top

    (I am the elf at a Santa’s Grotto display in a shopping centre. A very well-dressed, eloquent boy, no older than 5, sits on Santa’s lap.)

    Santa: “Merry Christmas, young sir! Have you been a good boy this year?”

    Boy: “Oh yes, Santa! I’ve been extra good all this year because mummy and daddy said if I am extra good, I can have whatever I want!”

    (Santa looks up to the smiling parents, who are nodding approvingly.)

    Santa: “Well, it does seem you have been EXTRA good this year! What would you like?”

    Boy: “Angelina Jolie.”

    (Santa looks again at the parents, who continue to smile and nod like this is a standard request.)

    Santa:“You’d like Angelina Jolie for Christmas?”

    Boy: “Because I’ve been extra good!”

    Santa: “I’m sorry little guy, I don’t think she would fit in my sack.”

    Boy: “Oh don’t worry, I don’t want Brad Pitt. You can give him to someone else!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Thank God It’s Fraud-day

    | Orem, UT |

    (This call took place last year at our website hosting company. Note that we close our call center every year on Christmas.)

    Caller: “I’m so mad at you guys! I talked to your verification department over the phone on the 25th of this month and my account still isn’t verified for use!”

    Me: “Really? You talked with us on Christmas? How did you do that?”

    Caller: “Um…I mean…I talked to them on the 35th!”

    Please Press Any Brain Cell To Continue

    | Bakersfield, CA, USA |

    Me: “Alright, and can I have your zip code, please?”

    Customer: “Sure.”

    Customer: *really, really long pause*

    Customer: *customer looks back at cashier, still waiting*

    Customer: *still silent*

    Customer’s son: “Mom.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Customer’s son: “She asked for the zip code.”

    Customer: “I know. I told her she could have it!”

    Customer’s son: *says the zip code*

    Customer: “Oh! I didn’t realize she wanted me to give it to her!”

    Can’t Cedar Forest For The Trees

    | Westchester, OH, USA | Top

    Customer: “These Christmas trees all look so fake! I want to get one fresh from the Everglades!”

    (I chuckle, and then realize he is serious.)

    Me: “Sir, the Everglades aren’t exactly known for there Christmas trees.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah! I forgot, it’s all frozen.”

    Me: “No sir, the Everglades are in the middle of Florida.”

    Customer: “Oh, well I was never good at geometry anyway.”

    Christmas Is All Pope & Circumstance

    | Westlake, CA, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, thank you for calling [church's name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to know why the time of the Christmas Eve mass was changed.”

    Me: “There was a scheduling conflict with the Christmas Carol Concert. I’m sorry if it’s caused an inconvenience for you.”

    Customer: “It has. Many of them.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry.”

    Customer: “You’ll change it back, then?”

    Me: “Um, no. See, there’s still the scheduling conflict.”

    Customer: “But I have plans at the mass’s new time! I need you to change it back!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m really not in charge of that decision.”

    Customer: “I am not getting off the phone until you change it back.”

    Me: “There really isn’t anything I can do for you. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Have you called the Pope and told him about this? Call the Pope and tell him that your priests have changed the mass time. He’ll fix it.”

    Me: “I actually don’t have his number on me.”

    Customer: “I’ll hold.”

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