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    Lost Within A Hundred Feet Of Paradise

    | Anaheim, CA |

    Guest: “I need you to put [theme park] into my GPS.”

    Me: “Sir, it’s right around the corner. We even have a free shuttle that’ll take you over.”

    Guest: “No, I want to DRIVE. Just put the coordinates into my GPS.”

    Me: “Well, sir, it’s probably already a landmark in your GPS, but as I said, you just have to go out of the parking lot and turn right. The parking structure is just across the way there.”

    Guest: “I need exact directions! Put the location into my GPS!”

    Me: “Sir, I assure you, it’s already in your GPS. If you’d like, I can also provide you with a map. See?”

    (I show him a pre-printed paper map that indicates the parking structure is literally across the street.)

    Guest: “I want the park put into my GPS!”

    Me: “Sir, I promise you that the park is in your GPS already, unless it’s a very cheap unit.”

    Guest: “It came with my BMW rental!”

    Me: “Then it’s in there, I promise you.”

    Guest: “No, it’s not! Come out to my car and put it in!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t leave the desk, but if you bring the unit in, I will find the location for you.”

    Guest: “Fine!”

    (He leaves, and then returns with a high-end GPS unit.)

    Guest: “Here!”

    (I take the unit and call up the landmarks menu. Sure enough, there’s the park.)

    Me: “Here it is, sir.”

    Guest: *looks at the GPS unit* “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS AROUND THE D*** CORNER?!”

    Hear No Evil, Get Blinded By No Evil

    | Wyoming, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to change my room. I’m on the first floor and my window faces the outside, but I like to walk around naked with the curtains open.”

    (I search his face for hint of a joke, but I see none; he seems completely serious.)

    Me: “Of course, sir, I can put you on the fifth floor and make sure your window doesn’t face any other rooms.”

    Customer: “Thank you, that’d be great!”

    (I finish the room change and proceed to help the next customer.)

    Me, to the next customer: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Next customer: “Sorry, I just had visions of sugarplums dancing in my head…”

    Getting On Your Nerves

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (I am a dentist about to give a patient a shot of local anesthetic).

    Patient: “I hate needles. Will this hurt?”

    Me: “Just concentrate on taking nice, deep breaths. It’ll be
    over before you know it.”

    Patient: “Could you please tell me when you’re ready to give
    the shot? I need to know!”

    Me: “Sure. I’ll give it on the count of three. Ready? One, two–”

    Patient: *screams* “You’re killing me! It hurts so much!”

    Me: “I haven’t actually given you the shot yet.”

    Patient: “Oh. Well, um, I was just practicing for when you did.”

    The CDs Are Full But The Mind Is Blank

    | Durham, NC, USA |

    Me: “Alright sir, I looked at your computer and it looks like you need to reinstall your office software before we can proceed.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    Me: “Can you show me where your software installation CDs are?”

    Customer: “My what?”

    Me: “The CDs that your office software came on when you first bought them.”

    Customer: “Oh, I threw those out.”

    Me: “Why? Was there something wrong with them?”

    Customer: “No, of course not. I installed the software and then threw out the empty discs.”

    Talk About A Long Weekend

    | London, UK |

    Me: “Good afternoon, [theme park]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hello. Can I just ask when are your firework nights this year?”

    Me: “They are on the 27th, 28th and 29th October.”

    Caller: “Okay…are they all Saturdays?”

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