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    Wising Up To Dumbing Down

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    (I’m showing a customer the difference between a few different products and the benefits of each. After a few minutes, he selects the item he wants.)

    Customer: “Why are you so smart?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Everyone tells me to stop, but I guess I just can’t help it!”

    Customer: *completely serious* “Well, stop it! It annoys me when people are smarter than me!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Kids these days!” *walks off*

    Pepperoni Extremism

    | Georgia, USA |

    (I’ve just finished giving a guy his pizza when he notices my car in the driveway.)

    Customer: “That your car?”

    Me: “Yes, it is. You like it?”

    Customer: “Yeah! Mind if I go look at it?”

    Me: “Sure. I’ll show you around it.”

    (We get there and he studies the decals in my window. I have an “Obama ’08″ button on the back of my headrest.)

    Customer: *gasps* “Are you a terrorist?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “Don’t play dumb with me! You’re a terrorist!”

    Me: “What are you talking about?!”

    Customer: “You’re a terrorist and you voted for a terrorist for president!”

    Me: “Sir, I can assure you that our president is not a terrorist.”

    Customer: “But he is! He’s not American! He’s an illegal immigrant!”

    Me: “Sir, why would we have an illegal immigrant terrorist as president if the government were on his side?”

    Customer: *gasps again* “You’re right! Everyone’s a terrorist!”

    Me: “No, no, no! They’re not terrorists!”

    Customer: “You’re on their side?! Don’t kill me!”

    Me: *giving up* “Yes, I’m a terrorist.”

    (The customer screams and runs inside. A few moments later, the pizza falls out a second story window.)

    Viva(cious), Las Vegas

    , | Houston, TX, USA |

    (I work in a guitar shop that caters to vintage and collectible guitars. A man comes in with three guitars claiming they are all either rare or owned by famous musicians.)

    Customer: “This guitar was owned by John Lennon and used on his last album!”

    Me: “Which one?”

    Customer: “The one he made in ’85.”

    Me: “Lennon died before then. What else you got?”

    Customer: “Well, this one was played by Elvis!”

    (This seems almost plausible. The guitar is of a vintage that I knew could have been from that era.)

    Me: “Well, let me run the serial number…” *I run the serial* “Sir, this guitar was made in 1987.”

    Customer: “BUT ELVIS PLAYED IT!”

    Me: “How did a dead man play it?”

    Customer: “What? Elvis isn’t dead! I bought it from him in Las Vegas!”

    Til DNA Test Do Us Part

    | Peoria, IL, USA |

    (My office offers a class required by the state for divorcing couples with kids under 18.)

    Me: “And how many children under the age of 18 do you currently support?”

    Customer: “See, that’s where I’m confused.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m pregnant, but we don’t have any other kids.”

    Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll just write down one for our records.”

    Customer: “Okay, does my husband have to take the class too?”

    Me: “Yes, both parties are required to take the class.”

    Customer: “…even if I’m not sure if it’s his kid?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Comically Bad Timing

    | Prince Edward Island, Canada |

    Me: “Hi, How are you?”

    Customer: “Good, how are you?”

    Me: “I’m good. Do you have an Air miles card?”

    Customer: “Yes, Yes I do.”

    (He hands me a card that is well-worn and falling apart.)

    Customer: “It’s really old, but it still works well. My god does it ever work well.” *creepy look*

    (The customer pays and leaves, all the while staring at me very creepily. About two minutes later, he comes back into the store, returns to my line, looks at me right in the eye, and says…)

    Customer: “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”

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