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    Bird Brained, Part 5

    | Keene, NH, USA |

    Customer: “Your bird bit my kid.”

    Me: “Well, the birds can’t reach their beaks through the cages. Did your son have his finger in the cage?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Well, there’s nothing telling you not to.”

    Me: “Sometimes they get scared when you poke your fingers into their cages, and the only way they know how to tell you is to nip you.”

    Child: “Oh, okay. I bet he was just scared.”

    Customer: “You should put up some signs in here telling people your birds bite!”

    (I show the customer the signs posted on each and every bird cage asking customers not to poke fingers into the cages as the birds may bite, as well as the additional two on the doors entering the bird room.)

    Customer: “Well, that’s stupid! How do you know I can read?”

    Related:
    Bird Brained
    Bird Brained, Part 2
    Bird Brained, Part 3
    Bird Brained, Part 4

    Unraveling Incognito

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “This is [name of office]. How may I direct your call?”

    Customer: “Where are you calling from?”

    Me: “You’ve reached [name of office]. How may help you?”

    Customer: “Who is this?”

    Me: “My name is [name]. How may I assist you today?”

    Customer: “Why are you calling?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you called me.”

    Customer: “Yeah, somebody called me.”

    Me: “Alright, what is your name?”

    Customer: “That ain’t none of your business!”

    Me: “Ma’am, without your name, it is impossible for me to find out who called you.”

    Customer: “THEN I GUESS YOU’LL NEVER KNOW!” *hangs up*

    A Mother Who Will Never Be Out-Dated

    | Gunnison, CO, USA |

    (A middle-aged woman comes to the front desk of our hotel. Note that I am also a woman and my coworker is a man.)

    Customer: “Where are all the women at?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “The women! The good looking women!”

    Me: “I’m not sure I understand.”

    Customer: “My son just started college and he wants a woman. Where should I go to get him a woman?”

    Me: “I’m not interested in women, so I wouldn’t know.”

    Customer, to coworker: “You! Hey, you. Where should I go to get ladies?”

    Coworker: “Has he tried the college campus?”

    Customer: “They’re all ugly. I want to get my son a hot chick!”

    Coworker: “Okay, this is a small town. He should look around. A bar?”

    Customer: “He’s not 21.”

    Me: “The grocery store? I don’t know.”

    Customer: “But where would you go?”

    Me: “Ask at the visitors’ center. Have a good day!”

    A Bozo By Any Other Name, Part 2

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada |

    (This happened back in 2003 during the East Coast Blackout when I was a cashier at a bookstore. Although Edmonton is far from the East coast, all our debit, credit and gift-card machines are tied into servers in Eastern Canada.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to get this book…” *passes me the book and a gift card*

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our gift card system is down right now.”

    Customer: “This is bulls**t! My kids bought this card for me yesterday, and now I can’t use it?”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we can put the book on hold for you.”

    Customer: “This is a scam! You guys are trying to rip me off!”

    Me: “Sir…”

    Customer: “Don’t call me sir!”

    Me: “Now, sir…”

    Customer: “Don’t call me sir! Call me an a**hole, but don’t call me sir!” *stomps out of the store*

    Related:
    A Bozo By Any Other Name

    Faux Naturale

    | Kingston, NY, USA |

    Me: “Good morning! What can I help you with today?”

    Customer: *stares*

    Me: “Ma’am, did you need help with something?”

    Customer: “How old are you?”

    Me: “I just turned 21 this week.”

    Customer: “21, eh? You know what I’m going to tell you next, don’t you?”

    Me: “Um, drink more?”

    Customer: “No! I was gonna tell you to shave your eyebrows! You look all…natural.”

    Me: “Oh…thank you?”

    Customer: “A girl your age shouldn’t look natural!”

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