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    The Customer Is Always Righteous

    | Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Religion, Uncategorized

    (A regular customer comes into our store. She’s known to be very difficult to please.)

    Customer: “Good evening.”

    Me: *cheerily, while ringing her items up* “Good evening, ma’am! That’s $5.31, please.”

    (She puts a credit card down in front of me, which I ring through the register.)

    Me: “If you could please sign right there…”

    (I point, and she does. I bag her items and hand her the bag, her credit card, and her receipt. She takes them slowly and I think I’ve done a good job, but apparently not.)

    Customer: “You dishonor me! You dishonor me and you will burn for it!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am.”

    Customer: “God honors me! You don’t, and you will burn! I don’t know, I’m not God. But that’s what he’s saying. You dishonor me and you will burn!” *walks away*

    Me: *totally speechless*

    Backwards Driving, Loopy Logic

    | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

    (I work in a store with a donut-shaped, one-way parking lot.)

    Customer: “Your parking lot is way too dangerous! I was trying to go for a spot and someone came the other way. There was no space to get around each other! What if we crashed?”

    Me: “Which way did you go when you entered the lot? Straight or to the right?”

    Customer: “I went straight, towards the doors! What does that matter?”

    Me: “Well, everyone is supposed to go one way in the parking lot to avoid that kind of situation.”

    Customer: “Then that idiot was going the wrong way! Someone should be out there monitoring the lot!”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, you’re supposed to turn right when you enter the parking lot. Everyone moves in a counter-clockwise direction.”

    Customer: “And I’m supposed to just know that? The road should be marked!”

    Me: “It is, ma’am.”

    Customer: “It certainly is not!”

    (I lead the customer to a window overlooking the lot and the customer sees enormous white arrows painted the entire way through, showing which way to go.)

    Customer: “What, you expect me to be looking at the road when I drive!?”

    When Flippers Attack

    | UK | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

    Child: “Mum, what’s that?” *points to dolphin skeleton*

    Mother: “That’s a dolphin, dear. It eats people.”

    Lieutenant Dan’s Fruit Company

    | Vejle, Denmark | Spouses & Partners, Technology, Uncategorized

    Caller: “It won’t stop loading! I’ve been waiting for twenty minutes and it hasn’t stopped loading yet! Help me!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. Let’s start by refreshing the page.”

    Caller: “Re… what?”

    Me: “Refreshing, ma’am.”

    Caller: “How do I do so?”

    Me: “Which kind if computer do you have?”

    Caller: “Why?”

    Me: “Which button you have to push depends on your computer. Is it a normal PC or an Apple?”

    Caller, to husband: “Honey, she’s rambling! Now she thinks we’re selling apples! How stupid does she think I am!?” *click*

    You (Could Have) Had Me At Hello

    | Freeland, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    (I’m an employee stocking the shelf at one end of an aisle. A customer enters at the far end by the milk and is coughing constantly.)

    Customer: *coughs*

    (I briefly glance over. She’s staring at the milk.)

    Customer: *coughs again*

    (There’s a long pause. She’s still staring at the milk.)

    Customer: *loud coughing*

    (I turn to see if she is covering her mouth, but instead see her charging down the aisle at me.)

    Customer: “What is wrong with you?! I’ve been coughing to get your attention down there for five minutes! ”

    Me: “Ma’am, I glanced over at you several times. You never looked at me.”

    Customer: “Oh, yes I did! What does a person have to do here, fall on the floor and have a seizure to get some milk?!”

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