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  • Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose
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    Dog On Demand

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I need some help.”

    Me: “Of course, sir. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I want to buy a dog.”

    Me: “We don’t sell dogs or cats here. Our company has a policy against it because of the number of unwanted dogs in animal shelters.”

    Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about? Of course you sell dogs, they’re right there!”

    Me: “Actually, that’s our grooming salon, where customers can bring their pets for a haircut or bath. Would you like me to show you the adoption computer?”

    Customer: “It’s nice that you’re making the dogs pretty for me. Now, when can I see them?”

    Me: “Those dogs belong to other people sir. It’s the grooming salon.”

    Customer: *sighs* “Fine, I get it. They’re all sold.”

    (The customer sees a woman walking by with a Labrador on a leash.)

    Customer: “I’ll take that one then. I can get a discount since it’s a floor model, right?”

    Redial By Fire

    | Franklin, TN, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I saw [doctor] last week, and was calling about my test results.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You have the wrong number.”

    Caller: “Oh, sorry.”

    (Not 5 seconds later, the phone rings again.)

    Caller: “I saw [doctor] last week and was calling about my test results.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid you’ve dialed the wrong number again.”

    Caller: “This isn’t [doctor’s] office?”

    Me: “No, sir, this is a women’s clothing store.”

    Caller: “Oh, sorry.”

    (5 seconds later.)

    Caller: “I saw [doctor] last week and was calling about my test results.”

    Me: Sir, you’ve called [store] again.

    Caller: “**** it! I’m calling the right number, why do you keep answering?”

    Me: “Sir, the office number is very close to ours, so maybe when you’re dialing the numbers, you’ve been accidentally hitting a wrong key?”

    Caller: “What numbers? I’ve been hitting redial!”

    Undeveloped Mind

    | Cranford, NJ, USA |

    Me: “I am just calling to let you guys know you have pictures here that you dropped off in December.”

    Customer: “I don’t have pictures there.”

    Me: “Maybe we mislabeled the bag? The pictures are of a family of four celebrating Christmas? Two kids? Boy and girl?”

    Customer: “That’s my family, but I don’t have pictures there. To be honest, I think you are trying to scam me into buying pictures I already bought and took home.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “This is the second time you’ve called. I already picked those up and brought them home. You stole those from me and printed them to get more money out of me!”

    Me: “Are you saying I broke into your house?”

    Customer: “Yes, and I’m calling the police now!”

    The Fox Is Already Out Of The Bag

    | Nevada, USA |

    Caller: “Hi. You put foxfire on my computer. How do I get rid of it?”

    Me: “Do you mean Firefox? I put that on there at the request of your son.”

    Caller: “I don’t have a son.”

    Me: “Well, I would recommend that you use it to avoid having the same problem I fixed last week. If you really want to remove it, I’ll guide you through that over the phone.”

    Caller, to someone else: “Why did you tell him you’re my son? I don’t want the computer-people to know anything about me!”

    Other person: “Dad, I’ll show you how to use Firefox. You don’t need to call them.”

    Caller, to me: “Well, I guess it’s okay. This…kid I know…wants to show me how to use it.”

    Me: “No problem. Can I help you with anything else?”

    Caller: “No. Just remember that I don’t have a son!”

    Clearly Not The Better (Or Smarter) Half

    | Memphis, TN, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like to rent Mr. Hoople Oople.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I’m not familiar with that one. Is it a comedy or drama? Our movies are alphabetical, so I’m sure I can help you locate it.”

    Customer: “It’s a music video.”

    (I take him over to the music and concert section. Nothing of that sort is found.)

    Me: “Hmm, is that the name of the band or the venue?”

    Customer: “No, it’s a movie. Mr. Hoople Ooople.”

    Me: “No, I’m not showing anything by that name. We have a book over here that we can look up movies by actor or actress.”

    Customer: “Richard Dreyfuss was in it.”

    (I find nothing.)

    Me: “Sir, maybe we don’t carry this film.”

    Customer: “You do, my wife called and you said you had it!”

    (I check with the other counter clerks. One of them looks confused but a light goes off in his head, and he goes and grabs a box off of the shelf.)

    Customer: “See? I told you! Mr. Hoople Ooople!”

    (The customer holds up a box which says “Mr. Holland’s Opus.” He checks out.)

    Co-Worker: “I’d have had no idea what he was talking about either, but his wife called an hour ago and asked about it…with the right name, of course.”

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