Old Habits Die Hard

| Tennessee, USA | Food & Drink

Me: “Hi, welcome to [sandwich shop]. Is this for here or to go?”

Customer: “It’s to go. What do you have that is good?”

Me: “Well, it’s all good. Do want hot or cold food?”

Customer: “I guess cold. Do you sell things other than sandwiches?”

Me: “Yes, we have salads, too.”

Customer: “Great, I am so tired of sandwiches! That is all I have eaten all week.”

Me: “What would you like?”

Customer: “I guess I will take a regular size roast beef sandwich.”

The Notified And The (Not)ified

| California, USA | Hotels & Lodging

Caller: “I have a reservation! I know I have one!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I don’t appear to have one under your name. Is there another name it could be under?”

Caller: “NO! I have a reservation!”

Me: “May I ask how you booked your reservation?”

Caller: “I don’t know, but I have one!”

Me: “Okay, did you book it online? Call the hotel or choice? did you come to the hotel and book it?”

Caller: “No, I didn’t do any of those things but I know I have a reservation.”

Me: “Could anyone else have made the reservation for you? Perhaps a travel agency?”

Caller: “No, but I have a reservation! I know I do.”

Me: “Do you have a confirmation number I could look it up with?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you didn’t book a reservation, and no one booked it for you, I don’t think you could possibly have a reservation. But, I would love to make you a reservation. In fact, I can make it right now. I’ll just need to get some information from you.”

Caller: “No, I do not give out my information. I have a reservation!” *hangs up*

Obama Can’t Fix Stupid

| Yonkers, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(A couple is arguing with me; I’m a cashier at the city clerk’s office.)

Man: “Why was my marriage license denied?”

Me: *looking over the application* “Sir, you had 60 days after the license was issued for you to get married. The license is only valid for 60 days. It’s been over 3 months.”

Woman: “But we got married here when we filled out the license.”

Me: “You didn’t have the clerk or a magistrate officiate a ceremony or fill out the rest of the form, so you were not married. If you want to get another valid license and have someone marry you here, I can get you another form.”

Man: “Fine…”

(I go to get blank application and shows the couple where to put what information, where to sign, etc.)

Me: “and we’ll need a check for $40.”

Man: “But we already paid that! I’m not paying that again!”

Me: “Sorry, but it says on the top of the application that the $40 fee is non-refundable, even if you miss the 60 day window. If you want another license you need to pay the fee again.”

Woman: “This is stupid! We already got married here!”

Me: “No, ma’am, yo–”

Man: “WE AIN’T PAYIN’ AGAIN!”

(The couple storms out. As they leave, I hear the man grumbling.)

Man: “F**kin’ government. I thought that Obama was gonna fix this s**t!”

Undetermined Outcome

| Texas, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: ‎”Hi, I don’t think my phone is ringing as many times as it’s supposed to.”

Me: “Well, sir, I can test call it if you’d like and we’ll see how many times it rings.”

(I test call the customer. It rings once and he answers.)

Customer: “Yeah, it only rang once that time. It’s supposed to ring four times.”

Me: “Sir, it only rang once because you answered it after the first ring.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know, but it’s still supposed to ring four times!”

Part Two, The Afterlife

| Virginia, USA | Books & Reading

(I’m helping a customer find “The Autobiography of Mark Twain”. As I hand it to her, she remarks on the size of the book.)

Me: “It’s hard to believe it’s only volume one, isn’t it?”

Customer: “It is?”

Me: “Yeah, see? Right under the title.”

Customer: “Oh, he must not have written the second one yet!”

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