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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Satan Needs The Nougat

    | Florida, USA |

    (A mother and her young son come up to me, each with their own items to buy. I finish ringing up the mother and start with the little boy.)

    Mother: *to son* “Isn’t it nice to buy your toys with your own money?”

    Son: “Yeah.”

    (The son begins to reach over the conveyor belt for some candy.)

    Mother: “Oh, you don’t need that. Put it back.”

    Me: *to the boy* “Your total is $6.66.”

    Mother: “Oh, no, no, no! Buy that candy!”

    The Free-Range Children Are Out Back

    | Cardiff, UK |

    (We are the charity for a small but state-of-the-art kids hospital, and run tours for potential donors, maximum 6 people per tour.)

    Me: *on the phone* “Hello, **** Charity, how can I help?

    Caller: “I want to organize a visit.”

    Me: “Ok, great. What day?”

    Caller: “Next Wednesday. Now, tell me, is there somewhere they can stop and eat?”

    Me: “There’s a cafe nearby.”

    Caller: “Good. Am I right that there is an area where the patients can be petted?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Caller: “Never mind – where can I park the coach?”

    Me: “…coach?”

    Caller: “Yes, we want a visit for 50 elderly people. Your representative said it was possible.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry, we can only take 6 people at a time.”

    Caller: “Well, what are the rest of them going to do?!”

    Me: “Ok, can I ask who told you it was all right to bring more than 6 people?”

    Caller: “Yes! She definitely said it was all right! We had an initial talk by a lady who brought along her lovely Labrador…”

    Me: “…”

    Caller: *realizing* “This isn’t the Dogs’ Trust Hospital that I’ve called, is it?”

    The Magical World of Duhs-ney

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Help Desk, can I help you?

    Customer: “I can’t log in to my computer.”

    Me: “No problem, sir – let me reset it for you.”

    Customer: “Thanks!”

    Me: “Ok, sir – go ahead and type ‘welcome’ as your default password. When you hit ‘OK’ you will be asked to create a new password.”

    Customer: “Are their any requirements for the password?”

    Me: “The only requirement is that the password has to be at least 6 characters in length – numbers, letters or both.”

    (Two minutes pass and I still hear a lot of typing over the phone. I’d assumed he’d logged in and starting working, forgetting I was on the phone.)

    Me: “Is everything all right? Were you able to get your password reset?”

    Customer: “No! Its not all right! Why is it that every time I call you guys there’s a problem?! You have to make everything so difficult!”

    Me: “I am sorry for that sir…what happens after you try to create your new password?”

    Customer: “What do you think?! It tells me to try again! It will not take!”

    Me: “Well, go ahead and try entering something different.”

    Customer: “You know, you people are ridiculous! How many characters do you think I can remember?! I’m not five years old any more! All I remember is Pluto, Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck!”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Mixed Me-ow-ssages

    | Burlington, WA, USA |

    Customer: “I bought this a few days ago to stop my cats from scratching the furniture, and now they’re scratching it more than ever!”

    (I take a moment to look at the bottle, and see that it is clearly labeled “Catnip Spray”.)

    Me: “Well, they’re going to scratch more because this is catnip spray.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “You spray this where you want cats to scratch… didn’t you read the bottle before you bought it?”

    Customer: “I don’t have time to read; I just grabbed the first thing on the shelf.”

    Me: “Um… you just grabbed the first thing on the shelf?”

    Customer: “Yes, now get me the right stuff so they’ll stop scratching!”

    The Only Thing Toasted Is His Mind

    , | Commerce Township, MI, USA |

    Customer: “I don’t want my sandwich toasted.”

    Me: “No problem, sir. We actually don’t have a toaster here, so you don’t have to worry.”

    Customer: “OH YES YOU DO! The last sandwich I got was toasted!”

    Me: “Um. Are you sure it was from this store?”

    Customer: “Yes. It was from this exact store, and it was toasted so bad I almost couldn’t eat it.”

    Me: “I’m not sure how that’s possible, sir. We honestly don’t have a toaster, and we never have.”

    Customer: “Oh, so now I don’t know what toasted bread looks like?”

    Me: “I–”

    Customer: “The top of my bread was brown. And do you know what makes bread brown?”

    Me: “The crust?”

    Customer: “A TOASTER!”

    (Seriously, no toaster. Ever. At all.)


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