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    Honesty Is The Best Return Policy

    | Michigan, USA | Top

    (A hotel guest called down for seven extra towels night before. I see her leaving the hotel with beach towels and several of ours stuffed in between.)

    Me: “Ma’am… excuse me, ma’am! I think you’ve mistakenly grabbed a few of our towels by mistake.”

    Customer: “No, I haven’t!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, you have. I can see a few with our emblem on them.”

    Customer: “Oh, no! Those are from last time we were here!”

    Me: “Oh…well it was very thoughtful of you to come all this way to return them!”

    (Defeated, she hands me the towels.)

    Customer: “It’s not like you don’t have any extras!”

    Sticky First Dates

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but I’m looking for your rubber semen.”

    Me: “Excuse me?!”

    Customer: “You heard right! I need rubber semen.”

    Me: “Um…I’m not entirely sure we carry that here.”

    Customer: “Well, if you have it, it would be over by the glue.”

    Me: “Oh! You meant rubber cement!”

    Customer: “What did you think I meant?”

    Me: “…Semen.”

    Customer: “Oh, no… we wouldn’t be talking about that until we’ve gone out a couple times.”

    Customer V2.0: Now With New & Improved Telepathy

    | Tucson, AZ, USA |

    (The store I work in closes at 10:00 PM. It’s 11:30 pm and I’ve finished closing up shop, so I am about to leave. A customer comes up to the door.)

    Customer: “Hey are you open?”

    Me: “No, we’re closed.”

    Customer: “Okay, but you ARE open, right?”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we aren’t.”

    Customer: “But I want to buy something.”

    Me: “Sorry, you’ll have to buy it tomorrow.”

    Customer: “Fine! You f*%$ing scumbag!”

    Me: *thinking: what a b****!*

    Customer: “I HEARD THAT!”

    The Financial Crisis Personified

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (A lady walks up to my register with a medium coffee.)

    Me: “That’ll be $1.17 please.”

    Customer: “All right, I’ve just got a few cards here to put that on.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Take 75 cents off this one.” *hands over card*

    Me: “OK…42 cents is the remaining balance.”

    Customer: “Next, take 40 cents off this one.” *hands over next card* “…and take the remaining 2 cents off this card.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’ve got two extra pennies for you; I’m not charging two cents…”

    Customer: “Oh, well thank you! You know how it goes sometimes with credit cards, I’m sure…”

    Me: “No, no I really do not.”

    Customer: “Oh, well you really should manage your finances better!” *walks out*

    The Right Place At The Wrong Time

    | Olney, Maryland, USA |

    (This took place at the cigar store I work at.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need the biggest cigar you’ve got.”

    Me: “OK, our largest is 12 inches long, and the price is $27 before tax.”

    Customer: “Whoa! 27 bucks? You got anything cheaper?”

    Me: “Well, yes. Is this going to be a gag gift?”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “You know, a joke present for someone?”

    Customer: “Oh h*** no! I’m just gonna split it and fill it with this.”

    (The customer pulls a plastic bag full of marijuana out of his pocket.)

    Customer #2: “Wow, that’s some fine-lookin’ weed you got there!”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just bought it.”

    (Customer #2 pulls out his badge and identifies himself as a county police officer.)

    Customer: “Am I in trouble?”

    Customer #2: “Yes you are.”


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