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    Let Me Transfer You To Our Fraud Department

    | Oklahoma, USA |

    Customer: “I need you to send me a return label for this lamp. I just opened it and I don’t like it.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, we do not pay for return shipping, ma’am, but you are more than welcome to send it back to us.”

    Customer: “Well, that is just unethical. I know you’ve sent me a return label before.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but it is our company policy that we do not pay for return shipping unless an item is damaged or defective.”

    Customer: “Well, it can be!”

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    He Fought The Law, And The Law Won

    A Tall Story

    | St Paul, MN, USA |

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “A pack of cigarettes.”

    Me: “Can I see your ID please?”

    (He hands over an ID of an obvious relative, but not him. The ID says he’s 6’1” and 238 lbs, but this kid is maybe 5’7” and 180 lbs.)

    Me: “This is you?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    (I proceed to quiz him on everything on the ID and he gets it all right, without hesitation.)

    Customer: “Um, I’ve been sick.”

    Me: “So you lost some height then?”

    Solid Answer

    | PA, USA |

    (Our store phrase is “filled with love” and is printed on all of our products.)

    Customer: “So‚Ķ. if I bite into this… Will love pour out?”

    Me: “No, it’s solid love.”

    Not Subscribing To His Own Line Of Thought

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Why do I see another charge on my card from you?”

    Me: “Well, according to your account, you were automatically renewed about month ago.”

    Customer: “That’s an outrage! Can I have a refund?”

    Me: “Well, we do let you know that we renew on our upgrade page, and we sent you a renewal notice two weeks before you were charged. Since you’ve used our services since, I can’t give you a refund.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not happy. This is such a scam – how dare you. What are you going to do to make me happy?”

    Me: “I can give you a pro-rated refund.”

    Customer: “Fine. But make a note that I don’t like it. These automatic renewals are such a scam!”

    Me: “I can assure you it’s not a scam, though. Most internet companies use renewals, too.”

    Customer: “I know how it works! I’m in marketing. I set these up in my company!”

    Machines 1, Humanity -16

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (It’s 15 minutes before our law firm opens, and the phone has been ringing constantly. We normally let it go to the answering machine, but I decide to pick up since this caller obviously wants to talk to someone.)

    Me: “[Law firm], how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Your d*** law firm only has machines! I can’t ever talk to a real person! Why is that?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’re not open until 8:30 am. I just picked up the phone a little early since you kept calling. Also, I’m not a machine.”

    Caller: “Well, you tell the real people when they come in that they’re not getting my business!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am a real person. I can help you. Please, just let me have your name and I’ll look you up in our system.”

    Caller: “You d*** machines! I’m not giving you s***! When I finally talk to a real person, I’m going to let them have it!” *hangs up*

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    Overlord PX53A-Z Is Not Pleased

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