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  • Gave Them A Rude Awakening
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    Jane Ey-re-animation

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (It’s the end of the summer. A high-school aged customer comes in.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for Frankenstein by ‘J somebody’.”

    Me: “Actually, that was written by Mary Shelley. We have several copies.”

    Customer: “No, it’s written by ‘J somebody’. Look it up.”

    (I look it up. It’s definitely written by Mary Shelley.)

    Customer: “Hang on, I’ll call my mom.”

    (He comes back.)

    Customer: “It’s Frankenstein by Jane Eyre.”

    Me: “Sorry sweetheart, looks like you have to read two books.”

    Customer: “Aw man!”

    Ben There, Done That

    | Norman, OK, USA |

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. My name is Ben. I’m calling to tell you about our special offer that–”

    Customer: “Who is this?”

    Me: “Ben, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Ben? Hey, everyone, Ben is on the phone. Ben, are you still having dinner with us tonight?”

    Me: “I think you mean a different Ben, ma’am. I’m a telemarketer.”

    Customer: “So you’re not in California?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I’m in Oklahoma.”

    Customer: “Well, okay. I’ve got to keep the line clear for the right Ben.”

    For A Few Dollars Less

    | Loveland, OH, USA |

    (We have closed. I’m letting two employees out when a man runs up to the doors.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re closed.”

    Customer: “I’ll only be a minute.”

    (He comes towards me, trying to squeeze between me and the door.)

    Me: “Sir, the store has been closed for 10 minutes. Our registers have been shut down.”

    Customer: “I’ll only be a minute; I just need one thing. I’ll be out before you know it.”

    Me: “Sir, even if I could let you in the store, our registers have been shut down so no one would be able to check you out.”

    Customer: “I was only going to buy a 99 cent item. I swear I’ll only be a minute. I’ll never come back if you don’t let me in.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. There’s nothing I can do.”

    Customer: “It’s just a 99 cent item!”

    Me: “I do apologise, but we open tomorrow at 9.”

    Customer: “You just lost a very large sum of money! I’m never coming back!”

    Flaky To The 9th Degree

    | Christchurch, New Zealand |

    Customer: “Two supremes, please.”

    Me: “Okay, and what type of crust?”

    Customer: “Oh, that nice one. I had it the other day. It was thin and very yummy.”

    Me: “Thin and crispy?”

    (The customer starts making hand gestures, pinching her thumb and forefinger together.)

    Customer: “It was thin and yummy. We had it the other day.”

    Me: “We have a thin crust. Is that it?”

    Customer: “That must be it.”

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $23.80.”

    Customer: “What? That much?”

    Me: “Yes, they’re $11.90 each.”

    Customer: “They were only $8 each the other day.”

    Me: “Was it a flaky base? We had a promotion for that, but it ended yesterday.”

    Customer: “Yes! That was it. But it said it was until the end of the month.”

    Me: “The promotion ended yesterday.”

    Customer: “But it said until the 31st.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. What said that?”

    Customer: “The piece of paper.”

    Me: “Oh, was it a coupon?”

    Customer: “Uh… yes.”

    Me: “I can’t give you the discount without the code on the coupon.”

    Customer: “Oh. Hang on. Try 54261.”

    Me: “No, that didn’t work.”

    Customer: “Oh, there was another one. I think it had a 9 in it.”

    Me: “I need the whole code.”

    Customer: “It had a 9.”

    Me: “I can’t do anything without the code.”

    Customer: “But it had a 9!”

    Past The Point Of No Return

    , | New Zealand | Top

    (We have both a bookshop and library. They are divided by a wall and accessible only from outside the building or through a staff only area. I am working in the bookstore section.)

    Customer: “Hey, I was looking for a book for my niece called The Tomorrow Code.”

    Me: “We definitely have a copy of that. I was shelving it this morning. Follow me.”

    Customer: “So, when is the due date?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “You know, for the book.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can sell it to you right now.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know that. I want to know when I have to return it. My library card number for you guys is [number].”

    Me: “You don’t have to return it, ma’am. This is a bookstore, not a library. You keep the book once you’ve bought it.”

    Customer: “That’s great, but when do I return it?”

    Me: “I, uh, just need to check that on the system.”

    (I run to the actual library to check they have a copy of the tomorrow code. They do. I go back to the customer.)

    Me: “Ma’am, just to make this very clear, this is a shop not a library. You never return books.”

    Customer: “Of course I know that. Do you think I was born yesterday? Now, when do I have to return this book?”

    Me: “Actually, I just found out the copy of the book you’re holding is reserved. I can go get a copy of it from the storeroom if you want.”

    Customer: “Just hurry up. This place shouldn’t hire people as thick as you!”

    (I run back to the library and issue the book as ‘borrowed’ to her card number.)

    Customer: *speaking very slowly* “Thank you, girl. I’m sorry to have told you that you were thick. I should have realised you were special.”

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