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    It’s A Perm, Not A Sperm

    | California, USA |

    Me: “[Beauty supply store], how can I help you?”

    Caller: *almost sobbing* “I need help! Do you know about permanent waves?”

    Me: “Yes, we carry a few different brands. Did you buy one here?”

    Caller: “No, I had one done by a friend. I don’t know where she bought it. I need to know…is it true that you can get pregnant if you have a perm while you’re on your period?”

    (At this point I’m hoping it’s a prank call. I try to keep my voice professional.)

    Me: “No, ma’am. A perm can’t cause that.”

    Caller: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes, I am 100% positive having your hair permed can’t make you pregnant.”

    Caller: “Oh, thank God!” *hangs up*

    Guardian Of The Tubes And Protector Of The Google

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I–”

    Caller: “Yeah, I’ve heard all that already, sir, so I don’t need any more of your crap, okay?!”

    Me: “Okay sir, what can I do to–”

    Caller: “Look, buddy, my internet is down, and you need to get it up right now or I’m going to get your a** fired!”

    Me: “Sir, I want to get this problem resolved for you just as soon as possible, but you need to–”

    Caller: “I don’t need to do s***! That’s it! I want to speak to your supervisor. No, I want to speak to your supervisor’s supervisor! I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MAYOR OF THE INTERNET!”

    Would You Like A Foot To Go With Your Mouth

    | Virginia, USA |

    (Note: I’m a customer and overhear this exchange while waiting in line.)

    Barista: “Here’s your change… have a nice day.”

    Customer: “You know, you haven’t smiled once.”

    Barista: “Sorry.”

    Customer: “I’m so sick of the attitude of people in the service industry! Is it so hard to give your customers a smile as you’re pouring water through beans? You all are so arrogant, it makes me sick!”

    Barista: *eyes begin to well up*

    Customer: “Why aren’t you smiling?!”

    Barista: “…because my father died last night.”

    (At this point, you could hear a pin drop. The customer is literally glared out of the shop, forgetting her coffee.)

    The Crazies Always Come Out When It’s Overcast

    , | New York, NY, USA |

    Me: “911, what is your emergency?”

    Caller: “You have to help me! Someone has been following me all day!”

    Me: “Can you give a description of the person?”

    Caller: “She’s all black, taller than me, and no face.”

    Me: “Ma’am…that’s your shadow.”

    Caller: “A what?”

    Me: “Ma’am, a shadow is seen as a reflection of yourself when the sun is at a certain angle.”

    Caller: “Oh my GOD! It’s like a fairy!”

    Me: “No, it–”

    Caller: “OH MY GOD, EVERYONE! I HAVE A FAIRY!”

    Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

    Outlaws In Utero

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    Caller: “I want to complain. I was driving in the carpool lane and I got a ticket, but I’m pregnant with twins, so they count as two passengers!”

    Me: “Um…I don’t think the policeman would have any way of knowing that…”

    Caller: “But I showed him a picture from my ultrasound!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I’m pretty sure passengers have to be outside of your body.”

    Caller: “Oh!”


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