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    Night Of The Loving Dead

    | New York, NY, USA | Top

    (I’m a personal trainer and at the end of a set my client makes an announcement.)

    Customer: “So, I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

    Me: “Um, what?”

    Customer: “I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

    Me: “And why would you think that?”

    Customer: “Because I’m always tired and I keep falling asleep at my desk.”

    Me: “Narcoleptic.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “You think you’re narcoleptic.”

    Customer: “Right. What did I say?”

    Me: “Necrophiliac.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    (I tell him.)

    Customer: “Oh God NO!”

    Time For An Allergic Retraction

    | Colorado, USA | Top

    Customer: “Can I have the breakfast sandwich without tomato, please?”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but the sandwich is pre-made. You can just take the tomato off it, if you want.”

    Customer: “No! I’m extremely allergic to tomatoes. That could kill me!”

    Me: “Well, if you want to wait five minutes or so, I’ll make you one special without tomatoes.”

    Customer: “That would be great.”

    (I go to the kitchen, wash everything that might have touched a tomato, and make the guy a sandwich. I come back out and hand it to him.)

    Customer: “Thanks. You got any ketchup?”

    A Question With No Good Manswers

    | Toronto, Canada |

    (I’m handing out fliers outside a women’s clothing store. A man walks up to me.)

    Customer: “Hello! How are you today?”

    Me: “I’m fine, thanks. Would you like a coupon to get 30 percent off all merchandise in the store?”

    Customer: “Do you sell sweaters here?”

    Me: “Yes, we do. Are you looking for a gift for someone?”

    Customer: “No. I’m done with my Christmas shopping.”

    Me: “Well, the coupon’s good until Boxing Day.”

    Customer: “What sizes do you have?”

    Me: “Extra small to extra large.”

    Customer: “What size am I?”

    Me: “Umm, I’m not sure sir. I’m not really good at guessing sizes.”

    Customer: “Well, if I were to try something on, what size should I try?”

    Me: “Well, this is a women’s clothing store. I’m not sure that you would fit the sizes here.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me fat?!”

    Mind Over Biodegradable Matter

    | New York City, NY, USA |

    (I work in a very environmentally conscious salon. We provide mugs for people to use for their coffee so that no garbage is created.)

    Me: “Hi! My name is ***. I’m going to be cutting your hair today. Tell me what you would like to–”

    Customer: “Do you have a styrofoam cup?”

    Me: “We have mugs right here. would you like some coffee?”

    Customer: “Are you crazy? I can’t use a public mug, I’m a doctor! Do you even know what kind of germs are on those mugs?!”

    Me: “I assure you that the mugs are perfectly clean. Also, we don’t believe in using styrofoam because it is bad for the environment.”

    Customer: “Are you for real? You don’t have a styrofoam cup anywhere in this whole place?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m sure.”

    (I get her away from the coffee discussion and start cutting her hair and making small talk.)

    Me: “So, what kind of doctor are you?”

    Customer: “A psychiatrist.”

    Not Quite A Family Business

    | Germany |

    (The shop work in gives their staff a 15% discount using a discount card. Staff are allowed to lend that card to family members. On this particular day, I had left my name-tag at home.)

    Me: “That will be 79.00, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh, I get a discount. I just haven’t got the card at the moment.”

    Me: “Okay, who do you know that works here?”

    Customer: “Miss ***.”

    Me: “How do you know her?”

    Customer: “She’s my daughter!”

    Me: “Dad, last time I saw you, you had a beard and glasses!”

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m Miss ***.”

    Customer: “Oh, haha, very funny. You’ve had your fun. Now give me my discount.”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t.”

    Customer: “You lying b***! You’re not Miss ***! I can’t believe my own daughter won’t give me a discount!”

    (The customer leaves in a huff. The next customer is an older woman and is laughing.)

    Next customer: “So, can I be your grandmother?”

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