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  • Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose
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  • January Theme Of The Month: Prank Calls!
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    Swimming With The Phishes

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Caller: “I never give my card to anyone! You must have randomly charged it! I demand a refund!”

    Me: “Well, I’d be happy to assist your bank in their review of these charges.”

    Caller: “No you won’t! You stole my card! How did you guys get it anyways?”

    (I explain here that the card was likely compromised through either a card scanner or through a phishing email. After I explain what a phishing email is, here’s what he says…)

    Caller: “Wait…so could it have been that Australian Lottery that I won?”

    Me: “I would say almost certainly sir.”

    Caller: “So I’m not going to get that prize?”

    Animal Planet After Hours

    | Kettering, OH, USA |

    Manager: “Hi ma’am, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I just need a book for my grandson. It’s called Bestiality.”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, what did you say it was called?”

    Customer:Bestiality. He’s in second grade. It’s this series of books.”

    Manager: “Ah, could you mean Beast Quest perhaps?”

    Customer: “Yes, Beast Quest. What did I say?”

    Manager: “Um…bestiality.”

    (The customer’s eyes bug out as she turns every shade of red.)

    Manager:Beast Quest is this way if you’ll follow me…”

    Catcher In The Sky

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Top

    Customer: “How much is this bird?”

    Me: “Sir, how did you get the bird out of the cage? The cage was locked.”

    Customer: “Oh, I got this one from the birds you have outside by the door.”

    Me: “Those aren’t our birds.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Sir, you picked up a wild bird. But congratulations, because I can’t imagine it was a simple task.”

    He Who Shall Not Be Sprayed

    | South Hill, WA, USA |

    Customer: “I would like to use my upgrades to spray tan.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t do that anymore, our new system doesn’t allow us to.”

    Customer: “Well, just type in your magic code or something!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. It physically won’t let us do that.”

    Customer: “You don’t have a magic code?”

    Me: “No, sorry.”

    Customer: “But you look like Hermione from that magic movie…”

    Unfortunately, The Vice Squad Is All Tied Up At The Moment

    | Vancouver, Canada |

    Customer: “You ought to be ashamed of yourself! There are kinky things in the family section!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, maybe something got incorrectly shelved. If you could just show me?”

    Customer: “Here! Look!”

    (He grabs a DVD and waves it under my face. It’s an old episode of Doctor Who which features the main character blindfolded on the cover.)

    Me: “Sir, that is an old children’s show. There’s nothing adult, kinky or otherwise, going on there.”

    Customer: “Don’t be ridiculous! I know filth when I see it!”

    Me: “I promise you, this is a popular family show in Britain.”

    Customer: “Well, no wonder they’re all perverts over there! I demand you remove this from your shelves! You shouldn’t sell these things if you haven’t even seen them!”

    Me: “Actually, I have seen it, and I wholeheartedly approve.”

    Customer: “Pervert!”

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