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  • Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose
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    Jurassic Lark

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but are all of these things real?”

    Me: “Sorry, are you talking about the artifacts on my cart? Some of these are replicas, because the real things are too breakable to touch.”

    Customer: “No, I mean the exhibit.” *points to the dinosaur exhibit*

    Me: “Dinosaurs did exist millions of years ago beginning in the Triassic Period, but about 65 million years ago the dinosaurs went extinct.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? I thought the museum was making it up to attract visitors.”

    Brings New Meaning To Hot Food

    | Irvine, CA, USA |

    (My stall gives away free home-made fire starters made of small wood chips and wax. We have many signs stating this.)

    Customer: “Hi. How much are these?”

    Me: “Free, ma’am. Just giving them away to anyone who wants one.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay!”

    (She takes a big bite out of it.)

    Customer: “These are disgusting! How could you give away such gross snacks?”

    Me: “These aren’t actually snacks. They’re fire starters.”

    Customer: “Not snacks? Then why do they have a sugar glaze on them, smart guy?”

    Me: “That’s not a glaze, ma’am. It’s wax. It helps keep the fire starter going.”

    Customer: “Not a snack?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Then why is the glaze brown? Brown means chocolate!”

    Me: “Brown is just the color of the candle we melted.”

    Customer: “Not a snack?”

    (At this point I called over a colleague to set up a demonstration burning in the fire-pit. The woman watches amazed.)

    Customer: “They start fires and they’re snacks! Holy s***!”

    Mrs. Understanding

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A mother and daughter approach the till. The mother neatly places the items they want to take on the counter. The daughter throws an unwanted dress in a heap.)

    Mother, to daughter: “No, no, no! You pick that up! You hang that on the hanger! YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND! Hang it up and put it away!”

    (The daughter starts to hang it up.)

    Mother: “You need to understand what it’s like working here! You need to get a job in retail so that you will understand! Everyone should work in retail! When we get home, you’re getting a job in retail!”

    (The mother turns to me.)

    Mother: “Don’t you think everyone should work here? Isn’t this a terrible job?”

    Me: “How about food service?”

    Mother: *gasps* “Yes! Yes!” *turns to daughter* “When we get home, you’re getting a job at a restaurant, so you will understand!”

    Baby Name Decisions Should Not Be Left To Linger(ie)

    | Rochester, NY, USA |

    (A woman exits the dressing room with lingerie.)

    Me: “So, what did you think?”

    Customer: “I loved them, I’m taking them all. It’s my anniversary. My husband is going to love these.”

    Me: “Good!”

    Customer: “I’m gonna make a baby tonight!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “What’s you’re name, sweetie? I’ll name it after you!”

    Me: “Um, can I ring those up for you?”

    Taxing Faxing, Part 4

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Customer: “Yeah, hi, I just called earlier to have a report faxed. It hasn’t come through yet.”

    Me: “I already sent that out to you, but I can send another copy if you’d like.”

    Customer: “Hmm. You think it could be my end?”

    Me: “Let’s check the basics. Have you received faxes earlier? Is it plugged in?””

    Customer: “Oh, here’s the problem! The paper isn’t loaded!”

    Me: “Okay! Fill it up and I’ll send it again.”

    Customer: “Um, I don’t seem to have any paper here. Could you fax me some paper so I could load it with it before you fax the report?”

    Taxing Faxing, Part 3
    Taxing Faxing, Part 2
    Taxing Faxing

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