Featured Story:
  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Hot Air Doesn’t Just Come From Saunas

    | Florence, KY, USA | Health & Body, Top

    (I’m the Lifeguard on duty at an indoor pool when there’s a power outage. I must close the sauna for ventilation reasons. I enter, and a customer is sitting inside.)

    Customer: “Close the door! You’re letting the heat out!”

    Me: “Excuse me, sir, it is not safe for you to remain in the sauna because there is no longer adequate ventilation.”

    Customer: “It’s a f***ing sauna! There’s not meant to be ventilation, so shut the d*** door!”

    Me: “Without proper ventilation, the sauna will overheat and put you at risk for heat stroke.”

    Customer: “That’s what lifeguards are for!”

    Thou Shalt Not Wear Boot Cut

    | Michigan, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss. These jeans just don’t seem to fit right.”

    Me: “Well these are men’s jeans. We have plenty of women’s jeans over here, in the women’s department. Is there a size I can help you find?”

    Customer: “You mean I just tried on men’s jeans?” *horrified look*

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. These are men’s jeans. This is the men’s department.”

    Customer: “OH MY GOD! The Bible forbids women to wear men’s clothes! I’m going to h***!”

    Me: “I’m sure you’ll be fine. You didn’t know. God won’t be angry.”

    Customer: “That’s what you think. You obviously don’t know God then.” *storms off*

    A Hole In Your Thinking, Part 2

    | Longmont, CO, USA |

    (I am serving a father and son.)

    Me: “Alright, here’s your club and your golf balls. Just follow
    the purple path throughout the course.”

    (Five minutes later, they come back to the register.)

    Me: “You’re already done?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I did hole number 5 and my son did hole number 16!”

    Me: “You know you can do all 18 holes, right?”

    Customer: *very serious* “You’re kidding.”

    A Hole In Your Thinking

    You Are The Weakest Link

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Me: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “My [expletive] Internet is down, what’s wrong with you people?!”

    Me: “Well, let’s find out ma’am. Do you mind troubleshooting a bit to find out what the problem is?”

    Caller: *huge sigh* “Fine, but I’ve checked everything already.”

    Me: “Okay. First, let’s look at your modem lights. Do you see the link light on?”

    Caller: “No. No lights are on.”

    Me: “Alright. Can you check the power cable to see if it’s plugged in?”

    Caller: “I can’t see anything, the power is out.”

    Me: “Well, that might be our problem then.”

    Caller: “What the h*** are you talking about?! This is the exact reason I bought a laptop–for it to work when there is a power outage!”

    Me: “Right, but where does your internet connection come from?”

    Caller: “My phone line.”

    Me: “Right, and where is that plugged into?”

    Caller: “My modem.”

    Me: “Right.”

    (There’s a pretty lengthy pause, during which I swear I can hear the gears grinding in her head.)

    Caller: “F***!” *click*

    Time Zoned Out

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A customer calls in from Los Angeles.)

    Caller: “How late are you open there?”

    Me: “5 pm.”

    Caller: “Yeah, but like, what time zone?”

    Me: “5 pm, Pacific Standard Time.”

    Caller: “What time would that be here?”

    Me: “Sir, we are directly north of you so we are on the same clock as you–Pacific Standard Time.”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t know your Canadian time zones! What’s that in American?”

    Me: “Sir, what time is it there?”

    Caller: “3:00 pm”

    Me: “It is 3:00 pm here as well, we are on the same time. We close in two hours at 5 pm your time.”

    Caller: “Wait a minute! It’s the same time there? Don’t you have your own time?”

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