Featured Story:
  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Time Zoned Out

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A customer calls in from Los Angeles.)

    Caller: “How late are you open there?”

    Me: “5 pm.”

    Caller: “Yeah, but like, what time zone?”

    Me: “5 pm, Pacific Standard Time.”

    Caller: “What time would that be here?”

    Me: “Sir, we are directly north of you so we are on the same clock as you–Pacific Standard Time.”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t know your Canadian time zones! What’s that in American?”

    Me: “Sir, what time is it there?”

    Caller: “3:00 pm”

    Me: “It is 3:00 pm here as well, we are on the same time. We close in two hours at 5 pm your time.”

    Caller: “Wait a minute! It’s the same time there? Don’t you have your own time?”

    It Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

    | Sheffield, UK |

    (A customer enters the door in a huff, dragging along her young daughter. She then dumps a raw chicken (including guts and fats) into my hands. Our store’s policy is that if you get raw meat on yourself, to stop what you’re doing and wash your hands immediately.)

    Customer: “I went to cook it today for my family, and I found all the chicken’s organs and stuff still inside it!”

    Me: “We’re very sorry about that. Do you have a receipt? Could you just get that out ready for me while I dispose of this and wash my hands?”

    Customer: “You people are always making up excuses to do things half-heartedly!”

    Me: “I have to, I have raw chicken on my hands.”

    Customer: “Me too! I’m not slowing down my day!”

    Me: “Would you like a wet wipe? I wouldn’t want you or your daughter to get salmonella or something.”

    Customer: “What! You people have salmonella chickens? We’re gonna get bird flu!”

    (The customer rips the chicken open with her hands.)

    Customer: “Look, see! I told you!” *holds out the chicken’s entrails* “You just didn’t want me to prove it! Trying to scare me with bird flu!”

    (I ring up the refund.)

    Me: “Now, you really should wash your hands straight away. Salmonella-”

    Customer: “Don’t be stupid! There’s no bird flu in it or I’d have sneezed.”

    Life Mangoes On

    , | Bloomington, MN, USA |

    Customer: “I want a shake.”

    Me: “What kind would you like?”

    Customer: “A milkshake.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. What flavor would you like?”

    Customer: “Whatever kind you have.”

    Me: “We have, vanilla, chocolate, banana, strawberry, peach and fudge. Which one would you like?”

    Customer: “Mango.”

    Me: “We don’t have mango sir, would you like the peach?”

    Customer: “No! I want a mango milkshake. Why does nobody ever understand?” *walks away*

    No Flirting A-Loud

    | Midland, MI, USA |

    (I’m scanning out an elderly couple. The man is obviously hard of hearing.)

    Me: “Hello, and how are you folks today?”

    Customer: “You look so young. Why is that?”

    Me: “I’m only 19.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Customer’s wife: “SHE SAYS SHE’S NINETEEN!”

    Customer: “Oh…do you have a boyfriend?”

    Me: “I’m engaged, actually.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Customer’s wife: “SHE SAYS SHE’S ENGAGED!”

    Customer: “Oh…do you want to go out with me sometime?”

    Me: “Uh…here, I’ll just finish scanning your items for you.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Customer’s Wife: “SHE TURNED YOU DOWN!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    In Spock We Trust

    | Pickens, SC, USA |

    Customer: “Why is Star Trek on the wall?”

    Me: “It’s a new release sir, interested in renting it?”

    Customer: “Son, Star Trek is a tool of the Devil. I demand that you remove it from your shelves!”

    Me: “I can’t do that.”

    Customer: “God forgive you for corrupting the youth of America!”

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