Contents Need Not Be Revealed

| Orlando, FL, USA | Rude & Risque

(A customer walks in with an expensive 4G phone. It comes pre-loaded with the Iron Man 2 movie on the SD card.)

Me: “Welcome to [store]! How can I help you?”

Customer: “I have a problem. When I click on the Iron Man icon, it says ‘wrong memory card’. Why is that?”

Me: “Is that the original memory card that came with the phone?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “The movie is on the original memory card.”

Customer: “So, why isn’t it working?”

Me: “Because you changed memory cards.”

Customer: “Why’d I do that?”

Me: “I couldn’t tell you why you changed it.”

Customer: “Oh! This one had my porn!”

(The customer waves and walks out.)

Related:
Please, Say No More
Too Much Information, Part 6
Way, Way, Way Too Much Information
Way, Way Too Much Information
Way Too Much Information
TMI Redux
TMI (Too Much Information)

Non Sequitur

| Philadelphia, PA, USA | Extra Stupid

Customer: “Where is the escalator?”

Me: “Go down this aisle and turn left. It’ll be right there.

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “Down this aisle, to the left.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “Let me show you.”

(I walk her over to about five feet from the escalator and point at it.)

Me: “It’s right here, ma’am.”

Customer: “Where is the escalator?”

(I move to stand almost on it.)

Me: “Right here.”

Customer: “This is the escalator?”

Me: “Yes”

Customer: “Oh, thank you! You are so pretty.”

Some Things You Don’t Plan Ahead

| Palm Bay, FL, USA | Uncategorized

(I am working the register today when one of my regulars comes in to buy a couple of things. He’s about 80 years old and lives across the street in a nursing home with his wife of 60 years. Nothing strange happens as I help him load the things from his electric cart onto the counter and we chat a bit as I ring him through. As I am loading the bags, however, things turn a little creepy.)

Customer: “You know, you’re just as cute as a button!”

Me: “Uh, thanks!” *smile*

Customer: “You know, when the wife goes, I just might have to take you home with me!”

Me: “Um–”

Customer: “See you tomorrow, sweet thing!”

I Become Mom, Destroyer Of Worlds

| Keller, TX, USA | Family & Kids

(I’m organizing papers for auditions when a little girl and her mom comes in. The little girl leans over my desk and starts talking to me.)

Girl: “Santa Claus doesn’t exist.”

Me: “Why do you think that?”

Girl: “Because my toys say they’re made in China! That’s not the North Pole!”

(The little girl runs off with a disappointed look on her face. The mom looks over at me.)

Mom: “Just wait ’til she hears about the tooth fairy. She’ll be devastated!”*walks away with a grin on her face*

Bring Your Own Justice

| Paramus, NJ, USA | Uncategorized

(I am working the fitting room on a particularly busy day. Our store is pretty small, but many customers bring in their giant shopping carts in from the store next to us. A particular woman has parked her cart right in the middle of the entrance to the fitting room. A man is waiting for his wife and notices the cart.)

Customer: “Whose cart is that?”

Me: “Another customer’s, I believe.”

Customer: “That shouldn’t be there. I work construction. That’s a fire hazard!”

Me: “I don’t disagree, sir, but unfortunately I’m not allowed to ban carts from the store. I also don’t know who it belongs to.”

(At this point, the cart’s owner’s kids start trying to play on the cart, running into me, the racks of clothes and the walls. I try to get them to stop, but they don’t listen.)

Customer: “Man, that sucks. Can I say something? Because that’s just f***ing rude!”

Me: *laughing* “Sir, I can’t, but feel free to talk to her if you want.”

Customer: “Damn straight! I’m going to tell that b**** to move her d*** cart!”

Me: *laughs* “Good luck with that, sir.”

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