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  • At A Loss

    | CA, USA | Uncategorized

    (We offer third party services to obtain home loan modifications.)

    Me: “Hello. Please be advised that during the loss mitigation solution, we will be requesting updated financials.”

    Client: “Loss…migration solution?”

    Me: “No. Loss mitigation solution.”

    Client: “Loss m… miti… mitigigration?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Loss mitigation. Spelt m, i, t-”

    Client: “Well, whatever it is. Yeah, I’ll get the stuff for you for the migration solution.” *pauses* “Oh, d***! You know, that ‘M’ word.”

    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 4

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Top

    (The customer is a middle-aged male, wearing a tweed jacket and thick glasses. He’s buying all of the ‘Twilight’ books.)

    Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

    Customer: “Yes, unfortunately. I’m really not looking forward to reading these.”

    Me: “Oh, why not?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m an English professor. Every time I reference low forms of literature, I always use Twilight as the example. Today a student asked if I’ve actually read them, and I had to say no. They demanded that I do.”

    (He hangs his head in shame.)

    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 2
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy

    Bilateral Symmetry Meets Botched Schooling

    , | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Uncategorized

    (I am organizing my area of the store when a customer and her young daughter come in.)

    Girl: “Mommy, why can’t I marry my cousin?”

    Mother: “Because you’re too closely blood related.”

    Girl: “What’s ‘blood related’?”

    Mother: “It means if you had a baby together, it might come out with a deformity. You know…like having two arms.”

    As Helpless As A Baby

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Top, Tourists/Travel

    Me: “Welcome to *** Airlines. How can I help today?”

    Caller: “I need to book a ticket for my husband for May 3rd, from Tampa to Grand Rapids, Michigan.”

    Me: “Thanks. Would he prefer morning, afternoon, or evening flights?”

    Caller: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “The morning flight leaves in the morning, at 6:45 am. The afternoon flight leaves at 1:20 pm in the afternoon. The evening flight leaves at 6:25 pm.”

    Caller: “Can he get there in time?”

    Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. That depends on where he’s leaving from, and how far he has to drive to the airport.”

    Caller: “Oh. And those are all on May 3rd?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Caller: “My doctor’s inducing my labor on May 2nd. Will he get here in time?”

    Me: “I really don’t know how long your labor will last, ma’am. That’s something you should probably consult your doctor about.”

    Caller: “But is May 2nd the same day?”

    Me: *baffled* “The same day as…?”

    Caller: “The same day as May 3rd!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. May 3rd is the day after May 2nd.”

    Caller: “But what if it’s 5 in the morning?”

    Me: “It’s either 5 in the morning on May 2nd, or 5 in the morning on May 3rd.”

    Caller: “But is it the same day?”

    Me: “Maybe you should have your husband call to book his own flight, because he’ll know how long it takes to get to the airport.”

    Caller: “That’s a good idea. Should he book it for May 2nd or May 3rd?”

    Me: “You should probably ask your doctor first.”

    Caller: “I guess. You people make it so complicated to buy a ticket!”

    Phoney Answers

    | USA | Uncategorized

    (I’m standing at my register. A customer walks up while talking on her cell phone. I smile at her and start ringing up her order.)

    Me: “Would you like a box?”

    (The customer is still talking on cell phone and doesn’t answer. I start packing her order in a box anyway.)

    Me: “That’ll be [total].”

    (She hands me a check, but is still talking on her cell phone. I put it through the check printer for her.)

    Me: “Okay, I just need to write your phone number on the check.”

    Customer: *dead pan, and still on her phone* “I don’t have one.”

    *extended pause*

    Me: “Okay, I’ll just put ‘unlisted’.”

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