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    For Federal Crimes, He Is Your Key Man

    | Nevada, USA |

    (I have been called to change the lock on a mailbox.)

    Me: “Okay, I’ll change it. Which one is it?”

    Customer: “Fourteen.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, there are four mailboxes here, and they all have a 14 on them. Which box is it?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. Can you just open them all?”

    Me: “That would be a Federal crime. None of your lease information has a box number?”

    Customer: “Really, if you open them all, I promise I’ll put the other people’s mail back. Pretty please?”

    Getting No Signal From Brains And Phones

    | Belfast, Northern Ireland |

    Caller: “I’ve had nothing but trouble with this phone recently.”

    Me: “What problems have you been having?”

    Caller: “No matter what I do, I can’t get a signal. I had to ring customer services!

    Me: “Did you call them off that phone?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “And is that the phone I am speaking to you on?”

    Caller: “Yes. And they said I should try switching it off taking the sim card out, putting it back in and turning it back on and that would help re-set it.”

    Me: “Did that work?”

    Caller: “I don’t know, they hung up on me while I was trying.”

    Me: “While you where switching your phone off?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Welcome To HAL Industries

    | Kennewick, WA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [my company]. May I have the e-mail address on your account, please?”

    (Note that the caller sounds to be about 13 years old.)

    Caller: “Are you a computer or a real person?”

    Me: “I’m a real person. I live in [my hometown]. I love sushi, and I like to knit. How can I help you tonight?”

    Caller: “Are you sure you’re not a really good computer?”

    (Copyright) Piracy On The Seventy Seas

    | USA |

    Customer: “I’d like three copies of this photo, please.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but this we can’t copy this. It’s a professionally taken photo.”

    Customer: “What?! It was taken on a cruise ship 3 years ago!”

    Me: “I apologize, sir, but we’re not allowed to copy professional photos without the photographer’s consent.”

    Customer: “It was taken on a cruise ship 5 years ago! What does the law have to do with anything!”

    Me: “Sir, the government could fine us fifteen-thousand dollars for going against the copyright on those photos. The law gives the photographer legal ownership of those photos for seventy years.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s been seven!”

    Me: “I said seventy.”

    Customer: “Well, seventy then!”

    And They Wonder Why We Charge By The Hour

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon. Thank you for calling [software company]. My name is ***, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’m having trouble with my software.”

    Me: “Okay. What’s the issue?”

    Customer: “My data is gone.”

    Me: “When you say gone, what do you mean exactly?”

    Customer: “Well, when I open up my [database] my data is incorrect or missing.”

    Me: “Okay. There are a few tests that we can run on your data to see if we can pin-point the problem.”

    (I walk the customer through the steps of running the data test.)

    Customer: “The test is finished. It says, 11,383 data errors were found.”

    Me: “11,383?!”

    Customer: “Is that bad?”

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