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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Uncouth Bluetooth

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    (A cellphone customer walks up to my counter with a suspicious look on her face.)

    Customer: “Listen…you’ve got to help me! It’s my neighbors, they’re spying on me!”

    Me: “I’ll be glad to assist you in any way I can, ma’am. Is this related to your cell phone in some way…?”

    Customer: “Yes! They’re spying on me in my shower, with… bluetooths! And the camera on my phone!”

    (I glance at her phone, noting that it is neither bluetooth-capable or a camera phone.)

    Me: “Well, your phone lacks both of those capabilities, so I don’t think you need to worry.”

    Customer: “BUT THEY ARE! THEY STOLE THE PICTURES FROM MY PHONE AND PUT THEM ON THE INTERNET!”

    Me: “Have you tried calling the police about this?”

    Customer: “You’re in on it, too, aren’t you?!” *grabs her things and scurries off*

    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 2

    | Kent, United Kingdom |

    (A 60-year old customer with a hefty beer gut comes into our clothing store. Note that I am an 18 year old girl.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss, I’m looking for speedos?”

    Me: “Oh right. Well, if you go to the front of the store and turn to your left, there are a few of them on a stand there.”

    (The customer continues to stand there staring at me.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?”

    Customer: “Would you like to see me try the speedos on?”

    Me: *horrified look*

    Customer: “Just checking.”

    Related:
    On The Need For Hazard Pay

    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

    | Yakima, WA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, this is [pool name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “What are your sessions today?”

    Me: “Our sessions today are 12:30 to 4:30 and 7:15 to dark.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: *more slowly and clearly, but still polite* “Our sessions today are 12:30 to 4:30 and 7:15 to dark–around 9 pm.”

    Customer: “What’s dark?”

    Me: “Around 9 pm.”

    Customer: “No, what is dark?”

    Me: “When the…sun goes down?”

    Customer: “Oh, how rude!” *click*

    Extramarital Appliances

    | Freehold, NJ, USA |

    Customer: “Could you show me how to use my phone?”

    Me: “Um…sure. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Well, I’ve been told these new phones come with voice control features. Is that true?”

    Me: “Yes sir, just hold the home button to activate the voice control feature.”

    Customer: “That’s it? That’s so easy!” *customer picks up the phone* “Call…my wife.”

    (Nothing happens.)

    Customer: “Why isn’t it calling my wife?”

    Me: “Do you have her listed in your phone book as your wife?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Yeah. I’m pretty sure the phone isn’t going to know who you’re married to.”

    Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining

    | Kansas, USA | Top

    (When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

    Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

    Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

    (The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

    Girl #3: *taken aback* “I…I worked out today. I need the protein.”

    Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

    Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

    (One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

    Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

    Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

    Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

    (This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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