November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Hanging Around For A Maternity

| Missoula, MT, USA | Uncategorized

(It is about an hour before closing time. A customer walks in and looks curiously at me.)

Customer: “How are you?”

Me: “I’m fine.”

Customer: “You know, I’m organizing this charity event. To support unwed young mothers and those with unexpected pregnancies.”

(The customer pulls out a pamphlet with a sad-eyed girl and sets it on the counter.)

Customer: “You should come.”

Me: “No, I’m fine. Thank you.”

Customer: “These things happen to lots of people. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help.”

Me: “I’m Mormon. And not married. And we preach abstinence until marriage.”

Customer: “Everyone slips here and there.”

Me: “Not me. I’m not pregnant, and won’t be for a long, long time. But, uh, thank you.”

Customer: “Well, how about any of your friends? You look like the type–”

Me: “No, my friends are fine too. Have a good night.”

Customer: “We could always use donations, you know.”

Me: “I work in a grocery store, and I’m a student. I don’t have any money to donate.”

Customer: “Well, that’s disappointing.”

To Have And To Hold On To The Recliner

| Milford, CT, USA | Uncategorized

(I am about to sell a couple of recliners to a wife and her husband.)

Me: “Alright, folks. I can go ring up those two recliners for you.”

Wife: “Will they take our old recliner with them when they deliver the new one?”

Me: “Well, they can move it to another room or bring it out to the curb free of charge. But if you want them to actually bring it with them, it’s a $50 charge. They have to make a separate trip to donate or dispose of it.”

Husband: “$50? That’s ridiculous!”

Wife: “Are you kidding? We don’t know anybody who will do it for us. If we hire someone, we’re never going to find someone to do it for less than $50.”

Husband: “It’s $50!”

Wife: “Did you not hear what I just said?”

Husband: “Yeah, but I’m not paying $50 for them to take away our old chair.”

Wife, to me: “Can you please excuse us for two minutes so we can have an argument?”

(I walk away while they continue to fight. Sure enough, two minutes later, the wife calls me back over.)

Wife: “Okay, we’re done arguing. We’ll pay the $50 for the haul away.”

(The husband looks down at the floor and says nothing.)

To Have And To Hold On To The Remote

George Foreman Would Not Be Happy

| Jacksonville, FL, USA | Food & Drink

Me: “Good afternoon. What can I get for you?”

Resident: “I will have a grilled cheese without the bread.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Our grilled cheese only comes on bread.”

Resident: “Well, I don’t like bread. Your menu says I can have a grilled cheese, and I want it without bread!”

Me: “Okay, I will be right back with that.”

(I walk into the kitchen, and tell the cook the request. She puts two slices of cheese on a plate, and microwaves it. I then take it out to the resident.)

Me: “Here you go.”

Resident: “What is this? This isn’t a grilled cheese. Where are the grill marks?”

Please Do Not Lather Up The Employees, Part 2

| CA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I’d like to buy these, please.”

(The customer is an older gentleman. He has five bottles of lotion.)

Me: “Okay, let me ring you up.”

Customer: *smiles* “One for each mistress.”

Me: *laughing nervously* “Awesome.”

(The customer winks and licks his lips.)

Customer: “I can grab a sixth, if you like.”

Please Do Not Lather UpThe Employees
Please Do Not Creep Out The Employees
Please Do Not Titillate The Employees
Please Do Not Pet The Employees

Inoperating System

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

Caller: “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not a technically savvy person.”

Me: “Well, that’s fine. We should be able to get this working. Can you go ahead and click on the start menu?”

Caller: *pause* “Start menu?”

Me: “Yeah, the little button on the bottom-left of your screen. It’s either a circle with the logo or a rectangle that says ‘start’. It’s right there on your taskbar.”

Caller: *pause* “Taskbar?”

Me: “Yeah, the little bar with all the icons right at the bottom of your desktop.”

Caller: *pause* “Desktop?”

Me: “You know what? I’m just going to connect to your computer remotely and do it myself.”

Caller: *pause* “Thank you?”