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    Surely Knot Elastic

    | Sheffield, UK |

    Customer: “Do you make curtains to order?”

    Me: “Certainly. Do you have your measurements?”

    Customer: *pleased with his cleverness* “I couldn’t find a tape measure, so I used this piece of string. The width is from the end of the string to this knot.”

    Me: “Sir, this is a piece of elastic.”

    Customer: “So?”

    (He hands me the elastic string, which I proceed to stretch.)

    Me: “Is your window this wide, or this wide, or this wide?”

    Jane Ey-re-animation

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (It’s the end of the summer. A high-school aged customer comes in.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for Frankenstein by ‘J somebody’.”

    Me: “Actually, that was written by Mary Shelley. We have several copies.”

    Customer: “No, it’s written by ‘J somebody’. Look it up.”

    (I look it up. It’s definitely written by Mary Shelley.)

    Customer: “Hang on, I’ll call my mom.”

    (He comes back.)

    Customer: “It’s Frankenstein by Jane Eyre.”

    Me: “Sorry sweetheart, looks like you have to read two books.”

    Customer: “Aw man!”

    Ben There, Done That

    | Norman, OK, USA |

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. My name is Ben. I’m calling to tell you about our special offer that–”

    Customer: “Who is this?”

    Me: “Ben, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Ben? Hey, everyone, Ben is on the phone. Ben, are you still having dinner with us tonight?”

    Me: “I think you mean a different Ben, ma’am. I’m a telemarketer.”

    Customer: “So you’re not in California?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I’m in Oklahoma.”

    Customer: “Well, okay. I’ve got to keep the line clear for the right Ben.”

    For A Few Dollars Less

    | Loveland, OH, USA |

    (We have closed. I’m letting two employees out when a man runs up to the doors.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re closed.”

    Customer: “I’ll only be a minute.”

    (He comes towards me, trying to squeeze between me and the door.)

    Me: “Sir, the store has been closed for 10 minutes. Our registers have been shut down.”

    Customer: “I’ll only be a minute; I just need one thing. I’ll be out before you know it.”

    Me: “Sir, even if I could let you in the store, our registers have been shut down so no one would be able to check you out.”

    Customer: “I was only going to buy a 99 cent item. I swear I’ll only be a minute. I’ll never come back if you don’t let me in.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. There’s nothing I can do.”

    Customer: “It’s just a 99 cent item!”

    Me: “I do apologise, but we open tomorrow at 9.”

    Customer: “You just lost a very large sum of money! I’m never coming back!”

    Flaky To The 9th Degree

    | Christchurch, New Zealand |

    Customer: “Two supremes, please.”

    Me: “Okay, and what type of crust?”

    Customer: “Oh, that nice one. I had it the other day. It was thin and very yummy.”

    Me: “Thin and crispy?”

    (The customer starts making hand gestures, pinching her thumb and forefinger together.)

    Customer: “It was thin and yummy. We had it the other day.”

    Me: “We have a thin crust. Is that it?”

    Customer: “That must be it.”

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $23.80.”

    Customer: “What? That much?”

    Me: “Yes, they’re $11.90 each.”

    Customer: “They were only $8 each the other day.”

    Me: “Was it a flaky base? We had a promotion for that, but it ended yesterday.”

    Customer: “Yes! That was it. But it said it was until the end of the month.”

    Me: “The promotion ended yesterday.”

    Customer: “But it said until the 31st.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. What said that?”

    Customer: “The piece of paper.”

    Me: “Oh, was it a coupon?”

    Customer: “Uh… yes.”

    Me: “I can’t give you the discount without the code on the coupon.”

    Customer: “Oh. Hang on. Try 54261.”

    Me: “No, that didn’t work.”

    Customer: “Oh, there was another one. I think it had a 9 in it.”

    Me: “I need the whole code.”

    Customer: “It had a 9.”

    Me: “I can’t do anything without the code.”

    Customer: “But it had a 9!”

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