All You Need Is Love

| Canada | Pets & Animals

(A customer is looking for a heat lamp for her lizards’ terrarium.)

Me: “Yes, we have them, both in red and clear.”

Customer: “Perfect, I love you!”

Me: “Oh, uh, thanks?”

(Later, she comes back to get the replacement bulb.)

Customer: “Sorry about saying ‘I love you’ earlier.”

Me: “Don’t worry about it, always nice to feel loved.” *hands her bulb and walk her to register*

Customer: “Great, now my geckos will love you too!”

Me: “Yay!”

Can’t Spell Without Without With

, | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Food & Drink

(A customer pulls up in our drive thru. Note that our bacon cheeseburger is made exactly the same as our cheeseburger, except for the bacon. The bacon cheeseburger is also more expensive.)

Me: “Hi there, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a bacon cheeseburger with no bacon. Just mayonnaise and ketchup.”

Me: “Okay, so a cheeseburger with only mayo and ketchup.”

Customer: “No, a bacon cheeseburger with no bacon, and only mayonnaise and ketchup.”

Me: “Well, our cheeseburger is made exactly the way we make our bacon cheeseburger, except it has bacon on it and it costs more. So a bacon cheeseburger with no bacon is a cheeseburger.”

Customer: “NO! You don’t understand! I want a BACON CHEESEBURGER, with NO BACON, just mayonnaise and ketchup!”

Me: “I understand ma’am, but if I charge you for a bacon cheeseburger with no bacon, it’s more expensive than buying a cheeseburger, which is the same thing.”

Customer: “I DON’T CARE! I want a bacon cheeseburger with NO BACON! Just mayonnaise and ketchup!”

Me: “All right then.” *charges her for a bacon cheeseburger with no bacon* “That will be $*.** at the first window.”

(The customer comes up to the window and reads her receipt, looking satisfied.)

Customer: “Now, was that so hard?”

Eyesight Only As Good As Hindsight, Part 2

| Massachusetts, USA | Movies & TV

(I’m a projectionist at a movie theater, so every once in a while, I have to deal with customer complaints. We have 3D movies that are extremely blurry if you don’t wear the glasses that we give you.)

Old woman: “Excuse me, I would like a refund.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

Old woman: *waving 3D glasses at me* “I don’t know how much extra I paid for these stupid things, but my movie wasn’t in 3D!”

Me: I’m sorry, ma’am. Which movie did you go see?”

Old woman: “I saw [movie only available in 3D] with my grandson and I didn’t have to use these things at all, not even once!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but since you sat through the whole movie, I can’t give you a refund. That movie is also extremely blurry if you don’t use the glasses we give you.”

Old woman: “But I didn’t use them at all and it looked just fine–just not 3D!”

(As she storms away angrily with a boy of about 5 in tow, she gets into her car and almost hits a young couple walking across the parking lot on her way out.)

Related:
Eyesight Only As Good As Hindsight

The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

| Gilbert, AZ, USA | Rude & Risque

(I am working the counter when a confused-looking customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Do you have any horror movies?”

Me: “Yes, the horror section is over there, past action.”

Customer: “No, no! I mean horror movies.”

Me: “Right, horror movies. Like, scary movies, right?”

Customer: *growing agitated* “No! I mean horror movies!”

(He keeps giving the word slightly suggestive emphasis, so I start to wonder if he’s trying to say something else. He keeps carefully enunciating the whole word, including the last syllable.)

Me: “You are saying ‘horr-OR’ movies, right? Like The Exorcist, Scream, Nightmare on Elm Street?”

Customer: “No! Horror movies. You know, adult movies!”

The Usual, As Usual As Possible

| Windsor, ON, Canada | Food & Drink

Caller: “Can I get 3 pizzas and an order of bread sticks?”

Me: “Sure, no problem!”

Caller: “But I don’t want the bread like you usually make it.”

Me: “Okay, how would you like it?”

Caller: “I want it softer to bite into.”

Me: “Okay.”

Caller: “But i don’t want it lightly done.”

(The caller pauses, and I’m not sure what to say.)

Caller: “…and I don’t want it burnt.”

Me: *lightbulb turns on* “Okay, so you would like it normal?”

Caller: “Yes.”

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