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    Selfish Smokers

    | London, UK | Health & Body, Top

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “A packet of 20 Marlboro Lights, please.”

    (I hand him the cigarettes.)

    Customer: “Wait, I don’t want these ones.”

    Me: “Why? They’re Marlboro Lights. Did you change your mind?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want ones with this health warning about cigarettes causing impotency.”

    Me: “Ok. Do you want ‘smoking harms those around you,’ or ‘smoking causes testicular cancer?’”

    Customer: “Give me the ‘harms others’ ones.”

    Confusing Crosses With Crossbones

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (An older customer comes out of the fitting room wearing a black and red striped shirt with designs that look like piles of skulls.)

    Customer: “I just think that this is so cute. What do you think?”

    Me: “That’s a really interesting choice for a blouse.”

    Customer: “Oh, I know. I just think these little flower designs are so pretty!”

    Me: “Ma’am, those are actually skulls.”

    (The customer looks a bit closer at the shirt before finally realizing what she is wearing.)

    Customer: “Oh my Lord, I was planning on wearing this to church!”

    Highway Robbery

    | Australia | Top

    (A customer comes to the gas station register and hands me their credit card immediately.)

    Customer: “I was looking at the liters display instead of the price.”

    Me: “Yeah, I hate when that happens. Let’s see what your total is.”

    Customer: “Well, I shouldn’t have to pay anymore than the $20 I wanted to put in.”

    Me: “Sorry, but it doesn’t work like that.”

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! I’m just going to drive off! Good luck getting your money!” *drives off without paying*

    (I call the police who arrive ten minutes later, which is coincidentally when the customer returns–in his haste to drive off, he had forgotten to take back his credit card.)

    Customer: “You stole my credit card, you a**hole!”

    Me: “Just give me a second sir. I’m in the middle of reporting a drive-off to these police officers.”

    Customer: “Haha! So I’m not the only one to do a drive-off from here?”

    Police: “Today you are. Please come with us, sir.”

    Busted Pipes

    | Olathe, KS, USA | Top

    (My dad is a plumber. One day while trying to fix a clog, he finds a whole bunch of condoms.)

    Dad: “I found the cause of your clog. Next time, just throw away your condoms. They don’t dissolve, so it’s bad for the toilet.”

    Customer: “But my wife and I don’t use condoms…”

    (There’s an awkward silence as the customer mulls over what he’s just said.)

    Customer: “I think I’ll be having a talk with my wife now.”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    An Idiot At Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (Note: GPS systems in the area around our hotel rarely work.)

    Caller:: “I’m lost. How do I get to you?”

    Me: “Where are you?”

    Caller:: “I don’t know! I’m lost!”

    Me: “What are you near?”

    Caller:: “Bushes.”

    Me: “You’re going to have to be more precise. I can’t tell where you are just by your description.”

    Caller:: “They’re small bushes!”

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