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    A Customer Without Power Will Make Even Ghosts Cower After The Midnight Hour

    | Oregon, USA |

    (A few weeks before Christmas at the hotel where I worked, a huge snowstorm knocked out the power. I was working night shift when somebody walks into the pitch-black lobby at about 2 in the morning.)

    Customer: “What the h*** is this?! Where are the lights?”

    (Note: I’m hidden in the darkness, although I can see him clearly from the emergency light in the entrance.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Who said that? Oh God, this place is haunted, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Sir, no. I’m behind the counter. We just don’t have emergency lighting back here.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe you!”

    Me: “Yeah…what can I do for you, anyway?”

    Customer: “I want to check in!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but nobody can check in or out until the power’s back on.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not?!”

    Me: “Well, because the computers can’t run without electricity. This includes the key card initializer. Even if I could check you in by hand, I can’t make you a key to get into the room.”

    Customer: “Well, fix it!”

    Me: “Fix what?”

    Customer: “Fix the power! God!”

    Me: “Sir, half the city is suffering from a power outage right now. I can’t just fix that.”

    Customer: “Sure you can! You’re a ghost! Ghosts turn lights on and off all the time!”

    Me: “Sir, I think it’s in your best interest to find a hotel on the other side of town.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’ll call your manager too, and tell him he shouldn’t be hiring ghosts! You are so unhelpful!” *storms out*

    Not Remotely Intelligent

    , | Texas, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ***. May I have your phone number, please?”

    Caller: “This thing doesn’t f***ing work!”

    Me: “Sir, I’ll be happy to help you with that.”

    Caller: “Just help me with this f***ing thing!”

    (Eventually, I find out he needs help with a DVD remote.)

    Caller: “The movie doesn’t play! It doesn’t do a f***ing thing!”

    (I hear the crunching of plastic as he tries to push the buttons really hard.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re pressing the play button and it’s not working. Correct?”

    Caller: “Which one’s the play button?”

    Me: “The one that says ‘play’ above it. It should be in the shape of an arrow that’s pointing to the right.”

    Caller: “I can’t read any of this s***! I don’t have anything like that. There’s just one that points to the left.”

    Me: “Sir, go ahead and turn the remote around.”

    Caller: “What, backwards?”

    Me: “Yes, so that the other side points at the DVD player.”

    Caller: “Oh…it works now!” *click*

    Factual Innuendos

    | Waterloo, IA, USA | Top

    (I’m working as a cashier at a hardware store. A customer comes to my line wearing a floor-length black trench coat, which he is clutching around himself rather suspiciously.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, did you find everything alright today?”

    Customer: “Would you like to see my bird?” *suggestively nods down toward his jacket*

    Me: “Umm, excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, my bird…

    (He opens one side of his trench coat, only to show that he indeed has a large green parrot hidden in his jacket.)

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “What, is green not your color? No worries!”

    (The customer opens the other side of his trench coat and reveals another large parrot–this one red.)

    Me: *still speechless*

    The (ever)Last(ing) Supper

    , | Houston, TX, USA | Top

    (I work as a cook at a pizza place. A tall and thin customer comes in and begins to place an order with the cashier.)

    Customer: “Yeah, I want the large pepperoni.”

    Cashier: “For here?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Cashier: “Would you like anything with that?”

    Customer: “Yeah, let me have the spaghetti dinner.”

    Cashier: “Oh, did you want that instead of the pizza?”

    Customer: “Naw, I want the pizza too. Can I get extra garlic bread?”

    Cashier: “Um, sure.”

    Customer: “Sweet. Can I also get one of them open-faced sandwiches? The roast beef and cheese…and can you add some sausage to the sandwich too?

    Cashier: “Yeah…”

    Customer: “…and a salad. What kind of salad do you have?”

    Cashier: “Well, we have a small side salad, or a larger dinner salad…”

    Customer: “Well…”

    Me: *speaking over the counter* “We also have the antipasto salad! It’s pretty big!”

    Customer: “Yeah! I want that!”

    Cashier: “Um…is there anything else?”

    Customer: *looks around, and sees the bags of potato chips on
    display*
    “Yeah, those look good. Give me two bags of chips!”

    Cashier: “Okay…is there anything else?”

    Customer: “Naw, I think that’s it.”

    Cashier: “Do you need us to box up any of this to go?”

    Customer: “Naw.”

    Cashier: “Will you have anything to drink with this?”

    Customer: “Oh yeah, I totally forgot! I’ll have a small Coke!”

    (When we finally brought the food out to the customer, it was a LOT of food. Surprisingly, the customer stayed in the restaurant for over 4 hours, and he ate almost everything!)

    A Face For Every Occasion

    | Birmingham, UK | Top

    (A customer is getting a beauty treatment done and is trying to work out why she has skin problems.)

    Customer: “I just don’t understand it. I take really good care
    of my skin. I get facials and I only use really good make-up.”

    Me: “Well, the problem could be caused by something really simple, like an allergic reaction. Have you always used the same brand of make-up?”

    Customer: “Yes, and I only use the best! I can’t be allergic, I don’t ever use the cheap stuff!”

    Me: “It’s probably something else then. What do you use to remove your make-up?”

    Customer: “Like…what?”

    Me: “When you take off your make up at night, what do you use?”

    Customer: *silence*

    Me: “Do you use a cleanser or soap and water?”

    Customer: “I don’t take it off. Are you supposed to?”

    Me: “Well, yes. Make-up can cause damage to your pores if you wear it constantly. Why don’t you take it off?”

    Customer: “In case I have to answer my door when I’m asleep.”

    Me: “In your sleep?”

    Customer: “Don’t judge my social life! You probably don’t have many friends!”

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