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    Up-Front Desk

    | Perth, West Australia, Australia |

    (A guest is checking in.)

    Guest: “And would it be okay if I bring a prostitute to the room later?”

    Me: *startled* “Uh. Well. I guess if no other guests are in anyway disturbed or affected.”

    Guest: “Well, that’s terrific. She’ll be coming by at about 8:30pm. But if she looks ugly, just send her back without giving her my room number.”

    Stuck In The Wake Of Spring Break

    | San Antonio, TX, USA |

    Guest: “Do you have any vacancies tonight?”

    Me: “I’m sorry. We’re completely booked tonight.”

    Guest: “Do you know if any other hotels in the area have any rooms?”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I checked with all the hotels near us, and all of them are completely booked as well. I heard complaints from other people that they couldn’t find hotels anywhere else in town either.”

    Guest: “What’s going on in town that’s causing it to be so busy?”

    Me: “Spring break.”

    Guest: “Oh. I didn’t think so many people would come here for that.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. What brings you to town?”

    Guest: “Spring break.”

    Need To Purge That Urge

    | WA, USA |

    Me: “Hi! Thanks for calling. How can I help?”

    Customer: “I need to know what kinds of [adult] toys you sell.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I can show you how to use our search feature! Are you on the website now?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to look. I want you to tell me! Describe them.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can help you use the website.”

    (The customer gets upset, and starts talking about her physical urges that demand these items.)

    Me: “I will be more than happy to show you how to search on the website. If not, I will need to end this call.”

    Customer: “I don’t have a computer.”

    Me: “Well, do you have a friend’s computer, or maybe internet on your phone that you can use?”

    Customer: “Nah, I don’t have none of that.”

    Me: “Well, maybe a public library?”

    Customer: “Nah. They don’t let me in there no more.”

    It’s Enough To Give You A Tick

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Top

    (A customer walks in with several trash bags full of clothes to be cleaned.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. I’ll need to sort and count all these items before I can give you a price. Would you mind opening that bag while I work on this one?”

    Customer: “Why would I do your job?”

    Me: “Of course, sir.”

    (The customer watches silently as I sort, count, and fold over forty items, including clothing, bedding, and towels. Essentially, I am touching his clothes with my bare hands for over twenty minutes.)

    Me: “Okay sir, your total comes to [price]. We’ll have them cleaned for you tomorrow after four.”

    Customer: “You can’t clean them sooner?”

    Me: “Is there a specific reason you need them sooner?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my kids have head lice. That’s all their contaminated stuff. They won’t have anything to sleep on tonight.”

    If He Continues He’s Likely To Lose Another 21 Grams

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Top

    (I am used to this very specific customer’s order by now.)

    Me: “Hello! Can I take your order, sir?”

    Customer: “I will have a half-decaf, extra-large, one pump of sugar-free vanilla, nonfat, 180-degrees, 235-gram cappuccino. And a scone.”

    Me: “Here you go, sir. Half-decaf, extra-large, one pump sugar-free vanilla, nonfat, 180-degrees, 235-gram cappuccino.”

    Customer: “Weigh it.”

    Me: “I did weigh it, sir.”

    Customer: “Again.”

    (I weigh it again. The scale comes out to 236 grams, because it measures in units of 2.)

    Customer: “It’s over. Remake it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Remake it! And I want a free drink for you wasting my time!”

    (The drink is remade three more times. Once for being two degrees off, and once for being one gram less. The manager then has to explain that the scale measures in units of 2.)

    Me: “Here’s your drink, sir.”

    Customer: “Finally! It’s amazing you all don’t get fired for incompetence!”

    (The customer then goes and adds cold milk at the bar.)

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