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    Stupidity Just A Stone’s Throw Away

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for the birthstone for May.”

    Me: “Well, the birthstone for May is emerald, but we don’t carry any emeralds.”

    (The customer walks over and looks in the case. She sees a green stone.)

    Customer: “What about this green one?”

    Me: “Oh! That’s peridot. That’s the birthstone for August.”

    Customer: “Who’s August?”

    Zombies Need Life Insurance Too

    | VA, USA | Uncategorized, Zombies

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to find out about getting life insurance for my sister.”

    Me: “Okay, I can connect you with an agent.”

    Customer: “Wait, I have a question.”

    Me: “No problem, what is your question?”

    Customer: “Well, my sister died two days ago. Is that going to make it more expensive?”

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    Caller On Line (Number) Two

    | Emeryville, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: ”Thank you for calling [store]. This is Ella. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need [muddled].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t really hear you.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “I said I can’t hear you too well.”

    Customer: “Oh, god d*** it! Hang on!”

    (There is a lot of grunting, a fart, and then the toilet flushes)

    Customer: “Can you hear me now?!”

    Good Students Stick To The Books

    | MI, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I need books for my son’s chemistry lab class. No used copies, please. I only want new.”

    (I come back bringing a new copy of the book and give it to her. The cover of the book is made out of paper that has a shiny texture.)

    Customer: “This book is all sticky! Do you have any copies that aren’t all sticky?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry. They are all like that. That’s just how they are made.”

    Customer: “Are you sure these are new? They feel sticky! My son can’t have used books. These feel like they’ve been used!”

    Me: “The book is brand new. We don’t even sell any used copies of it, because students have to write in it and tear out pages.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’m going to look somewhere else for that book. Do you have the books for his other class?”

    (I look up the class and all we have are used copies. I bring out the best looking used copy we have and offer it. It looks like it hasn’t been opened.)

    Customer: “No, this is used. I can’t buy anything that is used! Someone might have read it in bed!”

    Outcome TV Determined

    | Broken Arrow, OK, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer calls in to order a movie from an ad that was just on television.)

    Customer: “I want the [name of movie].”

    Me: “Okay, do you want it on DVD or VHS?”

    Customer: “What’s a DVD?”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll send it to you on VHS.”

    Customer: “What’s a VHS?”

    Me: “A video tape.”

    Customer: “A video tape? What the heck is that?”

    Me: “The tape you put in your VCR to make the movie come on.”

    Customer: “VCR?”

    Me: “Is there a box on your TV?”

    Customer: “What’s a TV?”

    Me: “Your television, the thing you just watched and saw this ad on.”

    Customer: “Please just give me the show. You’re making this very confusing.”

    Me: “I need to know what format to send it to you.”

    Customer: “I don’t know what you’re talking about! My son makes the pictures come on.”

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