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    Becoming Familiar With Fiber

    | Texas, USA | Awesome Customers, Top

    (My dad was standing in an express line at the grocery store. In front of him was a well-to-do-looking woman, who clearly had several more items than the limit.)

    Dad: “You know, it’s amazing that someone who is apparently so successful can’t read.”

    Woman: *in a huff* “That sign’s for regular people, not for me!”

    (An old man behind my dad taps him on the shoulder.)

    Old man: “Here, give her this.”

    (My dad hands it to the woman.)

    Woman: “What’s this?”

    Old man: “Metamucil. It’ll make you regular.”

    Used To Be That A Few Cans Tied Together Got You Online

    | Ottawa, Ontario, Canada |

    Caller: “I noticed I have a data block on my phone.”

    Me: “Yes sir, that’s correct.”

    Caller: “Will it stop the Internet?”

    Me: “Yes sir, it blocks all incoming and outgoing kilobytes to the phone. This does include the prevention of Internet usage.”

    Caller: “Kilobytes?”

    Me: “It’s a measurement of data, sir.”

    Caller: “Well, I want to keep my Internet!”

    Me: “Then I’ll be more than happy to remove the blo–”

    Caller: “But I want to keep my block too!”

    Me: “Sir, the data block stops all incoming and outgoing data to your device. Since the Internet is made of data, it’ll get blocked too.”

    Caller: “Since when did the Internet start being made out of data and kilobytes?”

    1-800-KRYPTON

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Dispatch, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I have an alarm going off.”

    Me: “Okay, do you happen to have an account number?”

    Caller: “No, I moved into this house five years ago and inherited the alarm system.”

    Me: “Alright, address?”

    Caller: *gives address*

    Me: “Sir, I didn’t receive any notifications. Can you hold for a few minutes while I confirm with our other station?”

    Caller: “I guess…”

    (I call our other station, they tell me they have no record of the alarm.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Caller: “Yes, yes, what?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Is the alarm still going off?”

    Caller: “Yes, can’t you hear? Listen, I am a very important lawyer and I demand you turn this alarm off!”

    Me: “Sir, our alarms reset in ten–”

    Caller: “No, you listen to me, you little s***! I’d better not miss my meetings because you can’t turn off this alarm!”

    (I hear the alarm getting louder and I’m pretty sure he can’t hear me, so…)

    Me: “SON OF JOR-EL! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!”

    (The alarm in the background shuts off.)

    Caller: “Oh wow! Thank you! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “No problem, sir!”

    A Very Loose-Knit Family

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (I call a man from our waiting list and begin to take him to his table.)

    Customer: “Wait, I’m going to eating with my wife and daughter. How are they going to find me?”

    Me: “Oh, we have your name from the list, sir. We can send them on back when they arrive.”

    Customer: “How are they going to know my name?”

    Me: “Your wife and daughter don’t know your name?”

    Customer: “No!”

    A Lesson In Latte Linguistics

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like a GRAHN-DAY coffee. ”

    Me: “Anything else sir?”

    Customer: “This isn’t a grande!”

    Me: “You’re ordering using our competitor’s terms, sir. Their grande is our medium.”

    Customer: “Grande! Grande! BIG! Don’t you speak Spanish?!”

    Me:Si senor, hablo espanol. Quiere algo mas?”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “Didn’t you just ask if I spoke Spanish?”

    Customer: “Whatever!” *pays for coffee and leaves*


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