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  • Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose
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    Thou Shalt Pay On Time

    | Abilene, TX, USA |

    (I work in the Financial Aid department of a private Christian college.)

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [University] today. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’d like to complain about a late charge on my daughter’s bill. It shouldn’t be there.”

    Me: “Alright, give me just one moment while I pull up your daughter’s account. I see that payment was not received until a week after the due date.”

    Caller: “I know, but I shouldn’t be charged a late fee.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but our late fee policy was explained to you when you enrolled in our payment program and is also printed on the bottom of your monthly statements.”

    Caller: “But you’re still a Christian university, right?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but to avoid late charges you must pay your bill on time.”

    Caller: “Nonsense. The Bible talks about this. Y’all are supposed to be Christians!”

    Tickled Black

    , | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “I have a complaint about this ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ toy.”

    Me: “Go ahead.”

    Customer: “I saw a few videos online that it’s really a “Tickle Me Emo”! How dare you try to teach kids to be emo!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but those videos are fake and were created just for a laugh. That is a Tickle Me Elmo and it’s completely appropriate for kids.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.” *a few seconds later* “So, where can I find a ‘Tickle Me Emo’?”

    Not The Breast Choice Of Words

    | Anaheim, CA, USA |

    Me: “Please keep all hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the boat, and remember, pirates, no flash pictures!”

    Guest: *takes flash picture*

    Me: “Ma’am, please refrain from taking flash photographs on the ride.”

    Guest: “I didn’t take a flash picture!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but you did. Please turn your flash off or do not take pictures. It disturbs the other ride-goers.”

    Guest: “I didn’t take a flash picture! My shirt is still on!”

    For Federal Crimes, He Is Your Key Man

    | Nevada, USA |

    (I have been called to change the lock on a mailbox.)

    Me: “Okay, I’ll change it. Which one is it?”

    Customer: “Fourteen.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, there are four mailboxes here, and they all have a 14 on them. Which box is it?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. Can you just open them all?”

    Me: “That would be a Federal crime. None of your lease information has a box number?”

    Customer: “Really, if you open them all, I promise I’ll put the other people’s mail back. Pretty please?”

    Getting No Signal From Brains And Phones

    | Belfast, Northern Ireland |

    Caller: “I’ve had nothing but trouble with this phone recently.”

    Me: “What problems have you been having?”

    Caller: “No matter what I do, I can’t get a signal. I had to ring customer services!

    Me: “Did you call them off that phone?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “And is that the phone I am speaking to you on?”

    Caller: “Yes. And they said I should try switching it off taking the sim card out, putting it back in and turning it back on and that would help re-set it.”

    Me: “Did that work?”

    Caller: “I don’t know, they hung up on me while I was trying.”

    Me: “While you where switching your phone off?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

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