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    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 3

    | San Marcos, TX, USA |

    Me: “This is Internet tech support. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Uhm, yeah. I have a problem with my computer.”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the issue?”

    Customer: “There is a big vagina on the screen and I can’t get it off.”

    Me: “That would be an advanced support question. One moment while I transfer you…”

    Related:
    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 2
    On The Need For Hazard Pay

    Defrauding A Village In Order To Save It

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (A customer calls in wanting to cancel her son’s car insurance. After going back and forth for 20 minutes, she asks to speak to me, the manager.)

    Me: “Thank you for holding, Mrs. S.”

    Caller: “I want to cancel my son’s car insurance. Why won’t you let me?”

    Me: “Because the insurance is a legally binding contract between us and your son, and only he has the legal authority to cancel the contract.”

    Caller: But he’s been in London for months and won’t be back until next year. The car’s just sitting there!

    Me: “Well, we would need your son to cancel or authorise you to act on his behalf. He can call us on [number], or he could send us a fax with the details.”

    Caller: “Don’t be ridiculous, he can’t call from England! I’m his mother! I should be able to do it for him.”

    (We went round and round in circles for another 15 minutes, then…)

    Caller: “I’m going to sue you for sexual discrimination!”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Caller: “I’m going to sue you AND your company for sexual discrimination.”

    Me: “Um, on what grounds?”

    Caller: “Because if I had gotten my husband to ring you, he could have pretended to be our son and you wouldn’t have known it wasn’t him. I’m a woman and can’t impersonate my son, and that’s sexual discrimination!”

    Circular Reasoning

    | Germany |

    (A customer in a big SUV pulls up to the pump. When she gets out, she realizes that her gas tank is on the driver’s side but her passenger’s side is facing the pump.)

    Customer: “I bet that’s not gonna work, right?”

    Me: “I don’t think so. You’d better try again.”

    (She gets back in, drives around the same pump, and gets out. Her gas tank is still on the wrong side.)

    Customer: *puzzled* “How come?”

    Me: “Let me help you…”

    Boat, Boat, Boat Your Boat, Gently Down The Stream

    | Jasper, Alberta, Canada |

    Customer: “Hello, sir, I am wondering if you can help me?”

    Me: “Sure, what can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I’m looking to rent a boat.”

    Me: “Sure, what kind would you like?”

    Customer: “A boat.”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but what kind of boat?”

    Customer: *confused* “A boat…”

    Me: “Yes, sir, a boat, but what kind of boat? We have three different kinds.”

    Customer: “A boat boat!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know what you mean.”

    Customer: “Stupid Canadians! Don’t know what a f***ing boat is!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry. I just don’t understand your question, but I will go down to the docks with you and help you choose your boat.”

    Customer: “Fine!”

    (We walk down to the dock and approach a row boat.)

    Customer: “That’s the one right there. A boat. You see?”

    Me: “Oh, you meant a row boat, sir.”

    Customer: “No, that is a boat boat!”

    Me: “In Canada, it’s called a row boat.”

    Customer: “Jesus, why can’t you Canadians speak regular English like everyone else?!”

    A Customer Without Power Will Make Even Ghosts Cower After The Midnight Hour

    | Oregon, USA |

    (A few weeks before Christmas at the hotel where I worked, a huge snowstorm knocked out the power. I was working night shift when somebody walks into the pitch-black lobby at about 2 in the morning.)

    Customer: “What the h*** is this?! Where are the lights?”

    (Note: I’m hidden in the darkness, although I can see him clearly from the emergency light in the entrance.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Who said that? Oh God, this place is haunted, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Sir, no. I’m behind the counter. We just don’t have emergency lighting back here.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe you!”

    Me: “Yeah…what can I do for you, anyway?”

    Customer: “I want to check in!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but nobody can check in or out until the power’s back on.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not?!”

    Me: “Well, because the computers can’t run without electricity. This includes the key card initializer. Even if I could check you in by hand, I can’t make you a key to get into the room.”

    Customer: “Well, fix it!”

    Me: “Fix what?”

    Customer: “Fix the power! God!”

    Me: “Sir, half the city is suffering from a power outage right now. I can’t just fix that.”

    Customer: “Sure you can! You’re a ghost! Ghosts turn lights on and off all the time!”

    Me: “Sir, I think it’s in your best interest to find a hotel on the other side of town.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’ll call your manager too, and tell him he shouldn’t be hiring ghosts! You are so unhelpful!” *storms out*

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