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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Even Rabbits Go Through Bad Patches

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Customer: “Where can I find your carrot tops?”

    Me: “We don’t sell carrot tops, but you can buy the whole carrot.”

    Customer: “But I need to feed my rabbit her carrot tops!”

    Me: “If people buy carrots would you like me to ask them if they’d like their carrot tops cut off and I can save them for you?”

    Customer: “Oh that’d be lovely! I’ll come back next week after her therapy session. Her therapist thinks she has an anxiety disorder.”

    Economy Class Is Now In Session

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (Halfway into a three hour and forty-five minute flight, a well-dressed and seemingly educated passenger rings her call button. She is frantic.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Passenger: “I’m going to miss my connecting flight!”

    Me: “No, we’re on time. All connections will be made.”

    Passenger: “No! I’m going to miss my connection!”

    Me: “All reservations are made so as to give you plenty of time to make your connecting flights, even if we’re a little late. But we’re scheduled to arrive on time today.”

    Passenger: “Well, if we arrive on time, then I will miss my connection!”

    Me: “May I see your ticket, please?”

    Passenger: “I. Don’t. Think. You. Understand! It is a three-hour and 45-minute flight. So if we left Philadelphia at 9, then we won’t get into Denver until 12:45. MY flight leaves at noon. SO YOU SEE, I AM GOING TO MISS MY FLIGHT!”

    Me: “Oh, oh…no…Denver is on Mountain Standard Time. We arrive 10:45.”

    Passenger: “10:45?! How is that possible? Do you even know what you’re talking about?!”

    Me: “Philadelphia is on Eastern Standard Time.”

    Passenger: *blank stare*

    Me: “Philly and Denver are in different time zones. There’s a two-hour time difference.”

    Passenger: *blank stare*

    (I try to explain to this 40-something woman the concept of time zones. When that doesn’t work, I explain that it’s not the same time everywhere in the world at the exact moment of every day. She doesn’t get it until I explain that that is why we have night and day.)

    Passenger: “Oh. Whew. Thank you!”

    Maybe If George Lucas Got His Hands On Them

    | St. Paul, MN, USA |

    (A bookstore customer hands me a copy of the re-release of 101 Dalmatians.)

    Customer: “What does re-mastered mean?”

    Me: “They just made the colors brighter and the sound better.”

    Customer: “Oh, so it’s the same as before?”

    Me: “Yeah, just brighter colors and better sound.”

    Customer: “They didn’t change the story or anything?”

    Me: “No, it’s just brighter colors and better sound.”

    Customer: “Did they make the dogs cuter?”

    Stupidity You Can Bank On

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    Me: “Hello, this is [Bank] how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I deposited money through your ATM machine yesterday and it still isn’t showing up in my account.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, can I just get the card number from the ATM card that you used to make the deposit.”

    Customer: “I didn’t use a card.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I might have misunderstood. Did you make your deposit into the ATM or the night drop box?”

    Customer: “No, I put it into your machine but I didn’t use a card. I didn’t need one.”

    Me: “Sir, I still don’t understand how you could have made your deposit into the ATM without using a card. Could you please describe the steps you went through?”

    Customer: “I drove up to the machine, filled out an envelope and stuffed it into the little door that said deposit but I didn’t use no card.”

    Me: “Sir, the deposit door on the machine will not open without a card. How exactly did you put the envelope in?”

    Customer: “Whoever designed those machines is a freaking moron. I couldn’t figure out how to open the little door so I got my pocket knife out and pried the door open. Then I stuffed the envelope with my deposit in there as best I could and drove away!”

    Power Struggle

    | South Carolina, USA |

    (A customer calls in complaining how his service is out.)

    Me: “Are there lights on your modem?

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Can you check to see if the power cable is plugged in, or the power turned on?”

    Caller: “I am standing knee-deep in water and you want me to check for a power cable?!”

    (It turns out he had been calling from an area that had been hit by a hurricane.)

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