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    Varicose To His Wife

    | New York, NY, USA | Top

    (I work on a cruise ship, and it’s 3 pm on embarkation day–the day all guests board. There are hundreds of people in the main atrium, milling about, asking tour questions and filling in forms. A male guest in his 50s approaches one of the tour staff with a paper in hand.)

    Customer: “I have filled my form out. It says here you need to check it?”

    Me: “Yes, you have a medical waiver for our snorkel tour. I’ll check it over so I can give you your tickets.”

    (I read the form and notice that ‘Circulatory Problems’ has been checked.)

    Me: “Sir, it says here you have circulation problems. Is this exercise related?”

    Customer: “No, I had a minor surgery.”

    Me: “Ah, was it cardiovascular, or–”

    (A woman, also in her 50s and dressed in a blue velvet leisure suit with lots of gold jewelry suddenly bursts in.)

    Customers Wife: *very loudly* “Harvey, what is this man asking you? I’m his wife.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am just confirming some details on his waiver so he can go snorkeling.”

    (She grabs the form.)

    Customers Wife: “Let me see that…oh, Harvey you didn’t put down your surgery, that’s why.”

    (A couple of guests have turned to listen as the wife of Harvey is very, VERY loud.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I was just going to ask Harvey–”

    Customers Wife: “Oh, I can tell you what it is. It was for removal of varicose veins.”

    Me: “So, it really isn’t circula–”

    Customers Wife: *loudly* “They’re on his testicles!”

    (I quickly take the form and excuse Harvey. Immediately, Harvey runs off.)

    Customers Wife: “Harvey, where are you going? Harvey, what’s wrong?” *chases after Harvey*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Building A Bed, No Doubt

    | Baltimore, MD, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [furniture store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m suing your company!”

    Me: “May I ask what the problem is?”

    Customer: “My son got into a car accident because he fell asleep at the wheel!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am, but why are you suing [furniture store]?

    Customer: “He fell asleep at the wheel because he stayed up all night assembling your furniture!”

    Those Are My Stories And I’m Sticking To Them

    , | Grand Rapids, MI, USA |

    (My coworker and I are talking to each other at the counter of our restaurant when a customer comes up.)

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I ordered a medium pizza, but I wanted a small.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Do you need a box for the extra pizza?”

    Customer: “No. I ordered a large pizza, but you brought me a medium.”

    (A little confused, I glance at my coworker. She glances back at me with the same confused look.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am…would you like me to put a small pizza in so that you have more pizza?”

    Customer: “No! I ordered a medium pizza, and you brought me a medium pizza! But don’t worry, I’m not mad at you.”

    (At this point, both my coworker and I are too confused to know what to say, so we just look back at the customer.)

    Customer: “I know! Sometimes my dog can be distracting!” *walks away*

    Me and coworker: *still confused*

    They Call Me Doctor DIY

    , , | New Jersey, USA |

    (We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

    Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

    Me: “Clockwise.”

    Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

    Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise…to the right.”

    Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

    Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

    Doctor: “Okay, I think i got it.”

    Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

    Doctor: “What was that?”

    Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

    Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

    Me: “Great. All finished?”

    (The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

    Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

    Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you doctor.”

    Patty And Selma Go Cruising

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    (Back when I was about seven years old, I used to have a lemonade stand. One day, these female customers in their late 40s drove up.)

    Me: “Hi! Would you like to try some home-made lemonade? Only a dollar!”

    Customer #1: “I’ll only have some if you have whiskey in it!”

    Me: “Um, I don’t have any whiskey.”

    Customer #2: “WE WANT WHISKEY!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any whiskey.”

    Customer #1: “Well, if you don’t have any whiskey, we are leaving!” *drives off*

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