It’s Never Too Late To Find Your Higher Calling, Part 2

| Northridge, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(A frantic, middle-aged man rushes to the check-in counter at my hospital.)

Patient: “I need a doctor!”

Me: “What’s seems to be your problem, sir?”

Patient: “I don’t feel good! My heartbeat is racing fast! I can’t see straight. I need a doctor NOW!”

Me: “Sir, please calm down. When did you start having these symptoms? Did you take any medication today?”

Patient: “I don’t know! It started after I smoked that joint. It was my first time!”

Related:
It’s Never Too Late To Find Your Higher Calling

Little Bite-Sized Lies

, | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Uncategorized

(It’s 11:30 pm and the fast food restaurant I work at has already closed at 11:00 pm. I am standing at the counter finishing the cashout when a customer walks in.)

Customer: “Hi, give me a teen burger combo.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we’re closed now. The restaurant was only open until eleven.”

Customer: *ignores me* “I’d like onion rings instead of fries.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t make you any food right now. Everything is off and we are closed.”

Customer: “What? That’s f***ing ridiculous! My daughter is in the hospital and I need to get something to eat!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am, but I can’t re-open the store for you.”

Customer: “That’s bulls**t! What the f*** am I supposed to do now?!”

Me: “Well, I believe there’s a another fast food restaurant just down the street that’s open 24 hours–”

Customer: “No! No! Don’t f***ing tell me to go there! My nephew is in the hospital and I am not going to bring him food from another f***ing restaurant!”

Me: “Ma’am, I thought it was your daughter in the hospital.”

(The customer freezes for a moment before realizing her mistake.)

Customer: “F*** you!” *leaves*

Your Solution May Go Up In Smoke

| Hampshire, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, how can I help?”

Caller: “I think I have a gas leak. I’ve been trying to find it with a lighter, but no success yet. Could you send somebody out?”

Me: “Sorry, what? You’re trying to find it with a lighter?”

Caller: “Yes, I thought it would help.”

Me: “It absolutely won’t! Do not use it! Turn off all your appliances and call [emergency gas service number].”

Caller: “Oh, okay…I was only trying to help!”

Internet Disaster Preparedness

, | England, UK | Technology

(Line activations for Internet service can take up until midnight of the activation date. I am explaining this to the customer and helping him get the software installed on his PC in the meantime.)

Customer: “So, what kind of things can go wrong?”

Me: “Well, a number of things. Most of them are relatively simple to sort out and we should be able to talk it through.”

Customer: “If it doesn’t work after midnight, if something goes wrong, what would I need to do?”

Me: “Okay, well, we’re open 24 hours, so even if its one minute past midnight, give us a call back and we can do some troubleshooting.”

Customer: “Send out an engineer. I don’t want some f***ing technically untrained idiot in call center messing around. I want an actual technician sent out.”

Me: “I assure you, our call center staff are the first line of troubleshooting and can resolve the problem over the phone most of the time.”

Customer: “Just send me out a f***ing engineer now. I know someone in a call centre wont be able to resolve my fault.”

Me: “So, what exactly is the problem?”

Customer: “I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet!”

Something For Nothing Or Nothing For Something

| San Diego, CA, USA | Liars & Scammers, Money

(A customer comes in with a laptop that he bought and a laptop sleeve that he got for free with the laptop.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Well, this sleeve doesn’t fit the laptop.”

Me: “Okay, that’s no problem, sir. I don’t have any larger sleeves, but you can take a look at the laptop bags.”

Customer: “No, I just want my money back.”

Me: “Well, sir, you didn’t pay anything for the sleeve. It came for free with the laptop as part of a promotion. I can return it for you, but you won’t get any money back.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, sir. I can go ask the manager, if you like.”

Customer: “Do that.”

(I go in the back and talk to the manager, who tells me exactly what I just told the customer. Then, I head back out to the front.)

Me: “Well, sir, the manager told me the same thing. I can return it, but you won’t get any money back.”

Customer: “This is unacceptable! Who do you people think you are? I want my money back!”

Me: “But, sir, you didn’t pay anything for it.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! Go get your manager! I’ll get your a** fired!”

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