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  • Less Dress Codes, More Codes Of Conduct

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    (I’m wearing a shirt and khaki pants while shopping at a certain discount store; I am not an employee. Another customer approaches me. )

    Customer: “Do you have any more of these in back?”

    Me: “Sorry, I don’t work here.”

    (I push my cart down the next aisle and continue my shopping.)

    Customer: “Excuse me! Don’t ignore a customer! That is rude!”

    Me: “I don’t work here. If you pick up the phone at the end of the aisle, they will send someone over to help you.”

    (I walk away and continue shopping.)

    Customer: “I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE YOU GET FIRED FOR BEING SO RUDE! IN THIS ECONOMY GOOD LUCK FINDING ANOTHER JOB!”

    Me: “I don’t work here. I can’t help you!”

    Customer: “How rude!”

    (Later on, I am pushing my cart of purchases out of the store. I see the customer talking to a manager.)

    Customer: “HIM!” *points at me* “He is the jerk who ignored me in your sporting goods department! You should be ashamed of how rude he is to customers. I won’t shop here if that is the kind of employee you hire.”

    Manager: “Ma’am, that man is not one of my employees.”

    Customer: “Then you need to make sure customers don’t come to the store dressed like employees!”

    (The woman storms off, but the manager hands me a coupon for a free coffee from the store snack bar for my trouble.)

    Many Germs In Germany

    | Australia |

    Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Earrings?”

    (I show her some and she picks out a pair, then tries to put them on.)

    Me: “Sorry, but you can’t actually try them on. You can hold them up to your ear, though.”

    (She still tries to put them in and I move forward to stop her.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you cannot try those on due to health regulations. You’re only allowed to hold them up to your ears.”

    (The customer looks at me, smiles sympathetically and pats my hand.)

    Customer: “But I’m German!”

    Unlimited Minutes, Limited Intelligence

    | Manchester, UK |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Phone Company] how can I help?”

    Customer: “I’ve just received my bill and it says I only have 500 SMS to use this month. I’m supposed to have unlimited SMS!”

    Me: “You have 500 SMS included with your service. However you have an extra service on your account which gives you unlimited SMS.”

    Customer: “But when I call for my balance it says I only have 500 SMS. I want unlimited SMS!”

    Me: “When you get your balance it will always tell you that you have 500 SMS. It can’t tell you a number when it’s unlimited.”

    Customer: “Well, I want it to tell me how many unlimited texts I have left!”

    Me: “Think about what you just said, madam.”

    Customer: “Oh…”

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    Unlimited Food, Limited Intelligence

    A Minor Truth

    | Australia |

    (We have some yogurt and tomato paste which come in two packs. A customer will often come up with one tub, the one which will have no barcode on it, and we have to go find the other one in the pair.)

    Me: “Oh, this is just a single. Do you have the other half?”

    Customer: “No, it was just like this on the shelf.”

    Me: “Ok, well these come in two packs. Did you see the other one of the shelf?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I did, I’ll just go get it.”

    (The customer goes and gets the other half.)

    Customer’s Child: “Mummy, where did you go?”

    Customer: “I had to go get the other half of this.”

    Customer’s Child: “But didn’t you just break that in half?”

    Customer: “No I didn’t.”

    Customer’s Child: “Yes you did.”

    Customer: “No, it was just like this.”

    Customer’s Child: “Yes you did! I remember you saying you only need one, why should you pay for two? And then you broke it off.”

    Customer: “Alright, alright, here’s some money. Why don’t you go and get a toy out of the vending machine?”

    Ask Me Questions, I Tell You Lies

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (A customer brings in a 20 year old pool cleaner.)

    Customer: “I need you to wet-test this for me!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t offer that service. If you like, we can check it in, and bench test it.”

    Customer: “Fine, but I wanna watch what you’re doing. I just had it in here last week, and it’s broken again!”

    Me: “Do you remember who worked on it?”

    Customer: “It was that kid with all those tattoos”

    (One of our employees has a small tattoo on his arm. While he flips out, I find the problem: a part was put in up-side-down.)

    Me: “You sure [name] worked on this?”

    Customer: “Yes! I knew he would mess it up!”

    Me: “Well here is your problem. This part was up side down. Did you install this yourself?

    Customer: “Yes, I bought it here last week! And your guys came to my house last week, he cut off all my pipes, and he ruined my equipment!”

    Me: “Sir, the last service done at your house was 3 months ago…a filter clean.”

    Customer: “You’re not helpful at all!” *leaves*

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