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    Nuts For Cashews

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    Me: “Hello, [golf course].”

    Customer: “Yes, Do you guys sell cashews?”

    Me: “As a matter of fact, we do.”

    Customer: “So how much are they?”

    Me: “$2.40.”

    Customer: “Okay, so can I get a tee time for 2:00?”

    Me: “Sure. How many people?”

    Customer: “Just me.”

    Me: “Okay, and golf cart or walking?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m not golfing. I’m just coming to pick up the cashews!”

    By Land, Air, And Crazy

    | Gloucester, UK | Military

    (Note: I’m an Air Cadet packing bags at a store in return for donations.)

    Customer: “So, what are you collecting for?”

    Me: “Air Cadets, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Army cadets, ‘ay?”

    Me: “No, ma’am…Air Cadets.”

    Customer: “I used to be an Army Cadet. I loved being on them big old boats.”

    Me: “I think you were a Sea Cadet.”

    Customer: “Well, anyway, I’ll always donate to the Army Cadets. Stop them d*** Air Cadets from ruling the sea!”

    Me: “But ma’am…we fly, not sail.”

    Customer: “No, that can’t be right! It was them d*** sea cadets that did that flying business. No, air cadets were the ones who were always crawling through mud.”

    Me: “But ma’am, I–”

    Customer: “Well, this should give you enough to buy a new sail. I don’t know why I donate so much, you know!” *hands me an old three pence piece*

    When Open Source Meets Closed Minds

    , | California, USA |

    Caller: “I need to report a very serious computer crime! The local university is running an illegal computer system!”

    Me: “Could you please repeat that?”

    Caller: “The local university is running an illegal computer system! They’ve hacked it!”

    Me: “How could you tell they’d hacked it?”

    Caller: “Well, when it booted, it didn’t say Windows or Microsoft or anything! It said something about Deviant Linux, I think, and the main screen looked nothing like my good, legal Windows screen at home! I think they hacked that, too!”

    Me: “Do you mean Debian Linux?”

    Caller: “Yes, that! Is it some sort of computer mafia or something?”

    Me: “Uh, no, it’s just a different operating system. Nothing to worry about.”

    Caller: “But it’s illegal! It’s not Microsoft, not even Windows! They’re on a normal Microsoft computer, so they’re breaking the law! I think they stole my identity when I came in the building! I’m calling the FBI!” *hangs up*

    I Can Hear Clearly Now The Brain Is Gone

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (A man claiming to be our hotel guest’s boss calls our front desk several times, claiming that the guest won’t return his calls. I ring the hotel guest to let her know the situation.)

    Me: “Hello! I received a few phone calls from a Mr. *** asking you to call him back immediately.”

    Hotel guest: “Oh, Mr. ***? I don’t know a Mr. ****.”

    Me: “Oh, okay. I’m sorry to bother you. I will ask him to stop calling.”

    Hotel guest: “Well, what was his name again?”

    Me: “Mr. ***.”

    Hotel guest: “Was he tall?”

    Me: “Ma’am, he was on the phone.”

    Hotel guest: “You didn’t notice if he was tall or not? That doesn’t help me at all.”

    Me: “Very sorry, ma’am. I will try to get a better look at him next time he calls.”

    Hotel guest: “Thank you so much dear!” *hangs up*

    Related:
    I Can See Clearly Now The Brain Is Gone

    A Very, Very Happy Anniversary

    | Illinois, USA |

    (A man walks into the smoke shop and looks around at the acrylic bongs.)

    Customer: “I’ll take the blue one.”

    Me: “No problem.”

    (He pays then leaves. About an hour later, he returns looking distressed.)

    Customer: “Something’s wrong with this vase you sold me. I bought this vase for my wife for our anniversary. But the roses I bought won’t fit in it!”

    Me: “Sir, that is not a vase. It’s a bong.”

    Customer: “What?! Why would you sell bongs in a vase shop?! I have a bunch of people coming over and this was going to be the center piece!”

    Me: “This is a smoke shop, sir. Not a vase shop. Would you like to return the bong for a refund?”

    Customer: *thinks for a moment* “No. On second thought, I think I’ll find some use for it…”

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