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    Not Usually Compa(red)

    | Omaha, NE, USA |

    (In Nebraska, Husker football games are a really big deal. Nearly everyone wears red Husker shirts.)

    Customer: “How come you aren’t wearing a Husker shirt?”

    Me: “Well, we have to wear our work uniforms so people know who to ask for help.”

    Customer: “That’s practically un-American!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Are you a communist?”

    Me: “You’re the one wearing red, sir.”

    Enough To Make Your Water Boil

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    (I’m an on-site manager for an apartment complex. There is knocking on the door at 2 am.)

    Me: *answering the door in my pajamas* “What’s going on, Miss [Tenant]? Is there an emergency?”

    Tenant: “You need to come quickly! There is water dripping everywhere!”

    Me: “Did you call the emergency pager?”

    Tenant: “No! I couldn’t remember the number and you were closer! You have to come!”

    (When I get to her apartment, I don’t see any water on the floor in the kitchen or bathroom.)

    Me: “Ma’am, where is the leak? I’m not seeing one.”

    Tenant: “The sink! There is water dripping all over!”

    (I walk over and see the faucet dripping a tiny bit.)

    Me: “Is this what you were talking about?”

    Tenant: “Yes!”

    Me: “You got me out of bed for your faucet dripping a tiny bit? Did you try twisting the knobs more?”

    Tenant: “I couldn’t get it to stop and it was keeping me awake!”

    (Turns the knob easily, stopping the drip.)

    Me: “This not considered an emergency. This could have easily waited until at least the morning, if not Monday, when the office is open.”

    Tenant: “Well, if I couldn’t get any sleep, you shouldn’t either!”

    Ah, Fathers, Part 3

    | Schaumburg, IL, USA |

    (I am seating guests for a ride.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry but we can only fit two riders in a seat and four in a car.”

    Guest: “It’s alright, the baby can sit in my lap.”

    Me: “Sir, I apologize, but we don’t allow lap sitting either. It’s dangerous for the baby. The lap bar can seriously injure her if we had to do an emergency stop on the ride.”

    Guest: “Wait, so you’re telling me that she counts as a person?”

    Related:
    Ah, Fathers, Part 2
    Ah, Fathers

    Thou Shalt Pay On Time

    | Abilene, TX, USA |

    (I work in the Financial Aid department of a private Christian college.)

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [University] today. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’d like to complain about a late charge on my daughter’s bill. It shouldn’t be there.”

    Me: “Alright, give me just one moment while I pull up your daughter’s account. I see that payment was not received until a week after the due date.”

    Caller: “I know, but I shouldn’t be charged a late fee.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but our late fee policy was explained to you when you enrolled in our payment program and is also printed on the bottom of your monthly statements.”

    Caller: “But you’re still a Christian university, right?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but to avoid late charges you must pay your bill on time.”

    Caller: “Nonsense. The Bible talks about this. Y’all are supposed to be Christians!”

    Tickled Black

    , | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “I have a complaint about this ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ toy.”

    Me: “Go ahead.”

    Customer: “I saw a few videos online that it’s really a “Tickle Me Emo”! How dare you try to teach kids to be emo!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but those videos are fake and were created just for a laugh. That is a Tickle Me Elmo and it’s completely appropriate for kids.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.” *a few seconds later* “So, where can I find a ‘Tickle Me Emo’?”

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