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    Extreme Makeover: Criminal Edition

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Top

    (I work in a check-out lane at a grocery store. A boy who looks about 16 walks up to the check-out and puts a twelve pack of beer on the lane.)

    Me: “May I see your ID?”

    Customer: “Who do you think you are, a cop? No!”

    Me: “If you want to purchase these, I need to see your ID. You don’t exactly look over 21.”

    Customer: “Fine, b****!”

    (He then hands me his ID, which has a picture of an elderly man on it.)

    Me: “Sorry, you can’t buy these.”

    Customer: “What the h***! I just gave you my ID!”

    Me: “This ID belongs to an elderly man who has a gray mustache and beard.”

    Customer: “It’s called Botox and shaving.”

    When Water Wings Become Angel Wings

    | Aurora, CO, USA |

    (Our pool doesn’t allow children who are non-swimmers to be in the pool without their parent. A mom comes in and throws her child in the pool with water wings and goes to leave the pool.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you cannot let your child in the pool without you in there with him.”

    Customer: “Well, why?”

    Me: “It is unsafe for a non-swimmer to be in this deep of water alone.

    Customer: “He can swim just fine! I put his wings on.”

    Me: “It is possible for him to drown even with wings on.”

    Customer: “If he does, just call me and I will come swim with him!”

    All-In-Wonder

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “IT Helpdesk at [university]. How can I assist you today?”

    Caller: “Hello, you folks were supposed to give me a new computer. I have a note on my desk with the new log-in and everything, but there’s no computer here!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. May I have your name so I can look up your ticket? ”

    (She gives me her name and I look her up in our work order system. I recognize the ticket, as I was the person who set-up the computer for her while she was out of the office.)

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, I’ve found your ticket. I was actually the tech who set this up for you. I know everything was delivered properly and I watched as the department secretary locked the door to your office when I was finished. But you’re saying that there’s no computer there now?”

    Caller: “Nope, no computer here. Just a keyboard, mouse and screen. The door was locked this morning when I came in.”

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, you said that there’s a keyboard, a mouse and a screen?”

    Caller: “Yes, a keyboard a mouse and a screen. No computer.”

    Me: “I think I see the problem. The computer that we upgraded you to is called an iMac. It doesn’t have a separate tower unit. The whole computer is there in that screen.”

    Caller: “No…”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Caller: “You cannot be serious!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I assure you.”

    Caller: “Are you trying to play a joke on me, young man?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. The whole computer is contained in that one unit. Have you tried turning it on? There should be a button on the back.”

    Caller: “No…you can’t be serious!”

    Me: “Please, just try turning on the computer. There should be a button on the back on the left-hand side.”

    Caller: “Hold on…”

    (In the background I hear the Apple boot sound.)

    Caller: “Goodness!”

    Me: “Alright, just follow the directions for logging in that I left for you. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Caller: “This is amazing, young man!”

    Me: “I’m glad! Let us know if there’s anything else you need. Have a nice day!”

    Caller: “I’m sure I will!”

    If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Top

    Me: Hello this is [doctor's office], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”

    (From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)

    Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”

    Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead…and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”

    Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”

    Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”

    Why Husbands Should Play Boy The Rules

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, may I speak to Mr. ***?”

    Wife: “He’s in the shower, may I ask what this is about?”

    Me: “I’m just calling to find out if he would like to renew a magazine subscription.”

    Wife: “What magazine?”

    Me: “Playboy, ma’am.”

    Wife: “Just a second.”

    (I can hear the shower in the background.)

    Wife: *sweet voice* “Honey! Someone is calling to see if you want to renew a magazine.”

    Husband: “Which one?”

    Wife: *slightly homicidal voice* “Playboy…”

    Husband: “Uh…no, I don’t think I’ll renew that.”

    (The wife picks up phone again; her sweet voice is back.)

    Wife: “No, thank you. I don’t think we’ll be needing that one anymore!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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