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    Noah Already Had Two Customers On The Ark

    | Iowa City, IA, USA |

    (Note: much of our area is suffering from massive flooding. A man walks into our chain pharmacy, completely drenched from the chest down.)

    Me: “Wow, what happened to you?”

    Customer: “I tried to go to your other location and it was closed!”

    Me: “That location is flooded, sir. There’s about four feet of water surrounding it.”

    Customer: “I know! I had to wade all the way up to the door before I found out it was closed! How do you think I got so wet?”

    It’s All In Your Head

    | Texas, USA |

    (I’m a cashier at the local grocery store. One evening, a customer comes up to my till.)

    Me: “Did you find everything okay today, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, thank you, I did.”

    (I start scanning his items. Out of nowhere, he grabs the hand-held scanner and points it at his forehead. Naturally, nothing comes up.)

    Customer: “Just as I thought. I’m priceless!”

    Security-Insecurity, Part 2

    | Australia |

    (A customer is placing an order for products to be sent from another store.)

    Me: “Now, can I just have a convenient phone number to call you on?”

    Customer: “Sorry, my number is private.”

    Me: “I need it so I can let you know when the products arrive in store.”

    Customer: “Absolutely not! I hate calls in the middle of making dinner.”

    Me: “I only call within trading hours, so I can’t order your products unless you will come in to pick them up.”

    Customer: “Can I call you?”

    Me: “It would be easier for me to call you.”

    Customer: “How would you like it if I took your number down and called you randomly?”

    Me: “I will only call you to let you know that your order is in. Our privacy policy protects you from other people calling you for other reasons. We only use it to let you know your order.”

    Customer: “Can I leave my mobile with you?”

    Me: “Yes, that would be fine.”

    Customer: *puts mobile on counter and walks out before I can stop them*

    Related:
    Security-Insecurity

    Neither Gratis Nor Grateful

    | Lawrenceville, GA, USA |

    (At the mall one day as a customer, I get tired and try to find a place to sit. All the benches are taken, so I sit in one of the coin-op massage chairs. Another customer in the chair next to me turns to talk.)

    Other customer: “This isn’t all that great.”

    Me: “What’s not?”

    Other customer: “This chair. I hardly feel a thing!”

    Me: “That’s odd. I guess I won’t pay for a massage, then.”

    Other customer: “Pay? It isn’t free?”

    Me: “No, you have to put some money into the coin slot there. I guess that’s why yours isn’t working.” *laughs*

    Other customer: “Why are you laughing?” *hands me a dollar* “Make it vibrate!”

    Be Scared Of Customers You Will

    | Fort Worth, TX, USA | Geeks Rule, Movies & TV, Top

    (At the theater where I work, the new Star Wars movie has just premiered a few days prior.)

    Me: “Good evening, sir. Can I see your ticket please?”

    Customer: “The force is strong with this one.”

    Me: “Okay, I take it you’re seeing our new Star Wars movie? It’s a really good movie, sir.”

    Customer: “I challenge you to a light-saber battle!”

    (Suddenly, the customer whips out two light-sabers from under his cloak.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m actually working right now, but your movie will start in fifteen minutes. If you’d like, you can head into the theater.”

    Customer: “Challenge you I have. Defeat you I will!”

    Me: “No, not today sir. Work I must.” *light laughter*

    Customer: “But…but I have challenged you! I sense the force within you is strong!”

    Me: “Really?”

    Customer: *nods*

    Me: *looks around* “Alright, just give me one.”

    (He then proceeds to give me the green lightsaber and stands back in a fighting pose. I very weakly go to cross swords with him when my manager comes up behind me.)

    Manager: “So we play games while we’re on the clock now, do we?”

    (I turn to address my manager when literally, in the swiftest motion I’ve ever seen, the patron stabs me in the stomach with the lightsaber, takes the one from my hand and runs out the back side door to the movie theater.)

    Manager: “Well?”

    (Literally defeated, I head back to work.)

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