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  • Not A Chance In (Convention) Hall

    | Sydney, Australia |

    Customer: “So the next convention in Sydney is THIS Thursday?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Would you like me to register you?”

    Customer: “Ah, well, Thursday isn’t really going to work for me. Could you move the convention to Friday instead?”

    Me: “I’m afraid that we have already booked the venue and the speakers and planned everything for Thursday. It’s a little late to consider changing the date, especially since we have around 70 people booked for this particular seminar.”

    Customer: “So…no chance at all then?”

    Talk The Talk, Balk The Walk

    | Richmond, VA, USA |

    (The customer has two daughters, each with their own set of clothes for their toys.)

    Customer, to one daughter: “Since your shoes match her purse, you girls can share the two between you.”

    Me, to the same daughter: “Oh, what a good idea! Do you always share with your sister?”

    Daughter: “Yeah, mom says, ‘Sharing is caring’.”

    Me, to the customer: “Ma’am, your total is [price]. Would you like to donate a dollar to our charity?”

    Customer: “No thanks, I’ve spent enough of my money today!”

    D’ohpe

    | Florida, USA |

    Customer: “Why was my return denied?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the system is showing us that you have recently made a lot of returns without a receipt. When this happens, corporate flags your ID and you can’t make any non-receipt returns for a while. It’s to prevent theft.”

    Customer: “I’m not stealing. In fact, I have a lot of money. My boyfriend is a street pharmacist and he has a lot of money.”

    Me: “A what, ma’am?”

    Customer: “A street pharmacist! He sells dope.”

    Me: “That is more information than I want to know ma’am. You have a good day.”

    Even Rabbits Go Through Bad Patches

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Customer: “Where can I find your carrot tops?”

    Me: “We don’t sell carrot tops, but you can buy the whole carrot.”

    Customer: “But I need to feed my rabbit her carrot tops!”

    Me: “If people buy carrots would you like me to ask them if they’d like their carrot tops cut off and I can save them for you?”

    Customer: “Oh that’d be lovely! I’ll come back next week after her therapy session. Her therapist thinks she has an anxiety disorder.”

    Economy Class Is Now In Session

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (Halfway into a three hour and forty-five minute flight, a well-dressed and seemingly educated passenger rings her call button. She is frantic.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Passenger: “I’m going to miss my connecting flight!”

    Me: “No, we’re on time. All connections will be made.”

    Passenger: “No! I’m going to miss my connection!”

    Me: “All reservations are made so as to give you plenty of time to make your connecting flights, even if we’re a little late. But we’re scheduled to arrive on time today.”

    Passenger: “Well, if we arrive on time, then I will miss my connection!”

    Me: “May I see your ticket, please?”

    Passenger: “I. Don’t. Think. You. Understand! It is a three-hour and 45-minute flight. So if we left Philadelphia at 9, then we won’t get into Denver until 12:45. MY flight leaves at noon. SO YOU SEE, I AM GOING TO MISS MY FLIGHT!”

    Me: “Oh, oh…no…Denver is on Mountain Standard Time. We arrive 10:45.”

    Passenger: “10:45?! How is that possible? Do you even know what you’re talking about?!”

    Me: “Philadelphia is on Eastern Standard Time.”

    Passenger: *blank stare*

    Me: “Philly and Denver are in different time zones. There’s a two-hour time difference.”

    Passenger: *blank stare*

    (I try to explain to this 40-something woman the concept of time zones. When that doesn’t work, I explain that it’s not the same time everywhere in the world at the exact moment of every day. She doesn’t get it until I explain that that is why we have night and day.)

    Passenger: “Oh. Whew. Thank you!”

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