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    Not Responsible For Lost Or Eaten Children

    | Brookfield, IL, USA |

    (Our zoo recently put several robotic dinosaurs in the park to help boost attendance. While working a snack stand, a family of three walks up to me.)

    Father: “Excuse me, sir?”

    Me: “Yes, how can I help you?”

    Father: “Are the dinosaurs real?”

    Me: “No, sir. They are not.”

    Father: “But we saw them move…”

    Me: “They are robotic dinosaurs. They have parts to make them move a little.”

    Father: “Then why are they in the zoo if they are not real?”

    Me: “It’s to teach our guests about dinosaurs.”

    Son: “So are they real, dad?”

    Father: *suddenly angry* “No, they are not! These f***ing people have fake animals!”

    (As the father and son begin to walk away, the mother stays behind to tell me one last thing.)

    Mother: “You know dear, maybe you should get real dinosaurs. That way, you won’t have problems like this.”

    Sometimes On The John But Always On The Job

    | California, USA |

    (I’m taking a restroom break in one of our single-person restrooms. I am also male. A female customer breaks the flimsy lock and barges in.)

    Me: “Whoa! What are you doing?”

    Customer: “I’m trying to use the restroom. Your door handle was broken.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it was locked, and there is another restroom for women to
    use right next to you!”

    Customer: “Huh? I didn’t notice that before.”

    (She continues to stand there for a bit, while I’m still covering myself up.)

    Me: “Um, I was hoping to use the restroom. Can you please close the door and let me finish?”

    Customer: “Actually I was wondering if you could help me find the baking stuff?”

    Me: “I can’t, I’m using the restroom. Can’t you see that?”

    Customer: “Good Lord, I’m never coming back here! Your service is awful!”

    Miss Diagnosis

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Health & Body, Language & Words, Top

    Me: “Welcome, how can I be of assistance?”

    Patient: “I think my son has Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Liza Minnelli?”

    Patient: “Yes! I think he has Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Um…how did he contract it?”

    Patient: “He ate the raw chicken on the counter! I’m telling you, it’s Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Oh, you must mean salmonella.”

    Patient: “No, I mean Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Right, then. The doctor will see you now.”

    (The doctor sees the patient’s child and tells her that it is salmonella and not Liza Minnelli. On her way out…)

    Patient: “I still think it’s called Liza Minnelli.”

    An Abundance Of Nuttiness, Part 2

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Customer: “Where is the bulk smooth peanut butter?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, we’re all out of smooth–”

    Customer: “No, that can’t be! I need smooth peanut butter!”

    Me: “Well, do you have a food processor?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so?”

    Me: “You could always buy some crunchy peanut butter and make it smooth at home.”

    Customer: “I can’t have crunchy peanut butter! It has peanuts in it! Are you trying to kill me?!”

    Related:
    An Abundance Of Nuttiness

    A Lack Of Common Scents

    | Richland, WA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [clinic], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to know how much it is to descent my cat. He was a stray that was eating our other cats‚Äô food and we decided to keep him.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t de-scent a cat. He may be spraying to mark his territory, and if he is, we can neuter him.”

    Customer: “I assure you my cat has scent glands! He backs up to furniture, marks them, and if you startle him, he will turn around and try to mark you! And he’s mean too! If you try to come near him, he growls and tries to bite.”

    Me: “Ma’am, cats don’t spray when startled usually. Are you sure it‚Äôs a cat?”

    Customer: “Well, yes.”

    Me: “What color is it, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Black and white.”

    Me: “What do his markings look like?”

    Customer: “All black with two white stripes down its back.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that is not a cat. That is a skunk.”

    Customer: “Well, you have obviously never seen a cat before!” *hangs up*

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