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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Yukon See It On A Map

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I direct your call?”

    Customer: “Hi, I want to apply for your program.”

    Me: “Okay. Actually, I noticed on the Caller ID that you‚Äôre calling from New York. Unfortunately, we are a Canadian company and our programs are only available to Canadian citizens. I’m assuming you’re not a Canadian citizen?”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, are you Canadian?”

    Customer: “I have my green card.”

    Me: “No, sir, I’m talking about Canadian citizenship, not your green card.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re telling me. What do you mean?”

    Me: “Our programs are only available to Canadians, so you must be Canadian to apply.”

    Customer: “What is this?”

    Me: “What is what?”

    Customer: “This Canadian thing. I don’t understand what you’re telling me. I have a green card!”

    Me: “Canadian…as in, Canada the country.”

    Customer: “What is this! I’ve never heard of that!”

    Me: “I don’t even know what to tell you.”

    Customer: “So, can I apply now or what?”

    Living On The Edge Vs. Driving Off Of It

    | Nevada, USA |

    Customer: “I get to drive my own buggy, right?”

    Me: “Yep. Of course, you are guided, but that’s only because the instructors know where the cliffs are. You’ll be chasing one.”

    Customer: “A guide? I’ll be chasing a guide? What if he goes over a cliff?”

    Me: “Well, they always keep groups away from the cliffs.”

    Customer: “But what if I want to go over a cliff?”

    Me: “If that’s the case, I don’t think we can take a check for your damage deposit.”

    Rated C For Child Welfare

    | New Brunswick, Canada |

    Me: “Hi, how can I do to help you?”

    Customer: “I’m having a problem with your automatic ticket machines. It won’t let me buy children’s tickets.”

    Me: “Okay, what movie did you want to see?”

    Customer:Final Destination 3D.”

    (I look at the customer’s children, who can barely see over the counter.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you can’t take your children to that movie. They’re too young.”

    Customer: “What the h*** do you mean?! They’re my children!”

    Me: “How old are they?”

    Customer: “Six and eight.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think you understand how gory it is. A man’s guts get sucked out and then explode in the air! Could I recommend a different movie for you?”

    Customer: “No! I’m going to see this movie with my kids!”

    Customer’s husband: “Their favorite movies are Saw 1 and Saw 2!”

    Me: “Well, they still can’t go. It’s illegal.”

    Customer: “Nothing’s illegal to do with your children!” *storms away with husband and kids*

    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 4

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Customer: “What’s on your BBQ chicken pizza?”

    Me: “BBQ sauce, cheese and chicken.”

    Customer: “So there’s BBQ sauce, right?”

    Me: “Yup…”

    Customer: “…chicken?”

    Me: “Uh huh…”

    Customer: “…and it’s on a pizza, right? With cheese?”

    Me: “Yes, it has all of those toppings.”

    Customer: “So what makes it a BBQ chicken pizza?”

    Me: “The BBQ sauce, the chicken, and the fact that it’s on a pizza.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. Well that just doesn’t sound like it’s possible. I’ll take a large cheese instead!”

    Related:
    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 3
    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 2
    You Can Lead A Horse To Water

    Slippery Christmas Ice

    | United Kingdom |

    (This occurred two days after Christmas Day on the refunds desk.)

    Customer: “These slippers don’t fit! I’ve been the same shoe size for years. It must be these new European sizes, I can’t even get my foot in!”

    Me: “That’s no proble,m sir. I’ll just refund these and give you a credit note, then you can go and choose some slippers that fit.”

    Customer: “This ruined my Christmas, you know!”

    (I take the slippers and examine them for any faults or damage, while the customer continues to rant.)

    Me: “Sir, did you remove the tissue paper from the toes before you tried these on?”

    Customer: “Oh…”

    (Needless to say, the slippers did in fact fit. Christmas was saved.)

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