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    Charitable Mis-Trust

    | Kansas, USA |

    Me: “Hello, this is *** calling on behalf of the [charitable organization]. Am I speaking with Mrs. ***?”

    Customer: “Yes, what’s this about?”

    Me: “Well, I’m calling because you pledged a $100 donation to the [charitable organization] but unfortunately, the donation was never received. Would you like me to send you a return envelope?”

    Customer: “I never pledged $100. Are you sure you have the right name?”

    Me: “Well, maybe the donation was made by your husband. It will take me a few moments to get to that screen on my computer and then we can get this all straightened out.”

    Customer: “No, my husband would’ve told me if he’d pledged money. I really think you have the wrong number.”

    Me: “According to our records the pledge was made under the name ‘Ryan’. Is that your husband?”

    Customer: “No. That’s my nine-year-old son.”

    Me: “Oh…I’m so sorry ma’am, that pledge should not have gone through the system. I can cancel it for you if you’d like. I really do apologize.”

    Customer: “No! Don’t cancel it. If he promised you $100, then by God, he’s going to have to find a way to pay you that $100!”

    Me: “Ma’am, really, that’s not necessary. Our reps should have verified his age before accepting a donation from him. Really, it’s no trouble at all for me to cancel it for you.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not very happy with my son right now, and I know a nine-year-old boy who’s really not going to be happy when he gets home from school. At least someone should get something out of this! Thank you for bringing this to my attention…”

    Gobble Grunt Gobble

    | San Jose, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [restaurant], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys sold male chicken?”

    Me: “We do sell chicken, but I am not sure we know the gender.”

    Customer: “But someone told me that you guys sold male chicken for Thanksgiving dinners.”

    Me: “Thanksgiving dinner? Are you talking about a turkey?”

    Customer: “Yeah! The male chicken!”

    He Prefers The Strong And Silent Type

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (An older customer enters the restaurant and walks straight to the bar where I’m drying glasses. Note that I’m female.)

    Me: “Yes sir, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “No, that won’t do.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “That’s a weak mentality. None of this, ‘Yes sir, no sir,’ business. You need to have confidence in yourself, men don’t like women without confidence!”

    Me: “Uh, I’m sorry sir. See, my job is–”

    Customer: “Still with the yes sir, no sir! I don’t like it. Stop it!”

    Me: *says nothing*

    Customer: “Better.” *walks off to a table*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Smooth Whipped Criminal

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (We’d just opened one Sunday when a man comes in and robs us at gunpoint. During the robbery, the robber makes us lock the doors so no customers can come in. After he leaves, we were so upset that we didn’t think to unlock the doors. While we wait for the police to arrive, another man knocks on the door.)

    Customer: “Are you open? I’d like to get a coffee.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we’ve just been robbed at gunpoint, so we’re a little freaked out.”

    Customer: “Well, did he steal the coffee? I can still get a latte, right?!”

    Not Born Yesterday

    | Falkirk, Scotland, UK |

    (As a general rule, we refuse to tattoo anyone has had a baby in the last three months.)

    Me: “Okay, so you’re getting this name?” *spells it out to check correct spelling*

    Customer: “Yeah, can I get her date of birth underneath, too?”

    Me: “Sure, what is it?”

    Customer: “19th September.”

    Me: “Um, today is the 24th November.”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “So, your daughter isn’t 3 months old yet. We can’t tattoo you for another few weeks. We explained this when you arranged your appointment and you told us she’d be 3 months old.”

    Customer: “She’s 3 months old.”

    Me: “She can’t be, this is the 11th month. She was born in the 9th month. So she isn’t 3 months old.”

    Customer: “She’s 3 months old.”

    Me: “No, she’s 2 months old. She was born in September, so she’ll be 3 months in December.”

    Customer: “Wait. So she’s not 3 months old?”

    Me: “Not for another month.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

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