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    An Offering To The Literary Gods

    | Melbourne, Australia | Top

    (I’m sitting at the reference desk when a lady walks in with a beautiful bouquet in one hand, a bag full of freshly-baked loaves of bread in the other, and a ferocious scowl on her face. She comes to the desk and slams down the flowers.)

    Lady: *growls* “Flowers for librarians!”

    (She slams down the bread, then growls again.)

    Lady: “Bread for librarians!”

    (She then puts both hands on the desk and leans forward.)

    Lady: *snarling* “Now find me a book!”

    Stop The Presses

    | Wroclaw, Poland |

    (I was working on the theater’s ticket-selling system. It printed every ticket using a thermal printer, on paper that gets black in spots where it is heated. A customer comes in with a completely black ticket.)

    Customer: “I want this ticket replaced! What kind of tickets do you sell?! I can’t see anything on it!”

    Me: “I’m sure we didn’t give you this ticket in this poor state. What happened to it?”

    Customer: “It got all bent in my purse and looked ugly, so I ironed it.”

    Me: “But ma’am, this ticket is printed on a thermal paper. It gets black when heated, so–”

    Customer: “You should’ve warned me that I can’t iron the ticket!”

    Once You Go Front-Load, You Never Go Back

    | Ithaca, NY, USA |

    (I sell home appliances at a national store chain. I’m talking to a married couple interested in a washer and dryer.)

    Me: “So this is one of our top-rated washers in terms of reliability, price, and capacity.”

    Wife: “Does it come in other colors?”

    Me: “Yes. You’ll notice on the sign here, there’s a listing of the colors available and the price difference, if any. So, for instance, this machine also comes in another color.”

    Husband: “I bet that machine has a much bigger capacity.”

    Wife: “Ugh, why is it always about sex with you?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    He’s Ho-Ho-Home For the Holidays

    | Chillicothe, OH, USA |

    (A customer comes up to us shortly after our mall Santa has finished for the season.)

    Customer #1: “Hey, is Santa here?”

    Me: “No, yesterday was his last day.”

    Customer #1: “When will he be back?”

    Me: “I think he’s done for the season.”

    Customer #1: “Well, do you know where he is?”

    Me: “Um…the North Pole?”

    Customer #2: “Hahaha!”

    Customer #1: “…okay, I walked in to that one.”

    Please Do Not Creep Out The Employees

    , | Bozeman, MT, USA |

    (A male customer comes into our lingerie store and wanders around, looking at the merchandise.)

    Me: “Good morning, welcome to [lingerie store]. How can I assist you today?”

    Male customer: “I need to get my wife a gift.”

    Me: “Okay, what were you thinking of?”

    Male customer: “Oh, you know, underwear or something.”

    Me: “Okay, what type? Special occasion? Casual everyday?”

    Male customer: “Definitely something special. It’s our anniversary.”

    Me: “Do you know her sizes?”

    Male customer: *moves towards me* “About your size…” *looks at my chest*

    Me: “Okay, then…why don’t you show me what you’ve seen that you like?”

    Male customer: “I like…you.” *leering*

    Me: “I think you’ll like my manager then, too!” *run away to get my manager*


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