Over The Hill And Picking Up Speed

| Florida, USA | Uncategorized

(An elderly man walks up to my register with his button down shirt unbuttoned nearly all the way and doesn’t seem to care he’s almost not wearing a shirt. After scanning his groceries, he goes to swipe his card on our new machine.)

Customer: “Well, what the Jim Bean is this?”

Me: “Oh, thats our new card machine. You just need to swipe, then sign for it with the pen there.”

Customer: “What will they try to do next? D*** Chinese wantin’ to take over this country. Them and their Mickey Mouse!”

Dyed With Fresh Afterbirth

| Augusta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [bridal shop]. This is [my name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was told I could pay for my dress over the phone. I can’t remember the style number but I know the color.”

Me: “No problem, I should be able to look it up for you. Is this a bridesmaid dress or a bridal gown?”

Customer: “I’m a bridesmaid. I know the color is placenta.”

(Thinking I misheard her, I move forward.)

Me: “What is the bride’s name?”

(I get her information and pull up the wish list.)

Me: “Okay, I see that the bride has selected style 1234 in persimmon. Also, we have that you need a size 12.”

Customer: “Um, I think you have the color wrong. The bride told me it’s placenta.”

Me: “Well, it may be that she misread our catalog or just mispronounced it when she was talking with you, but she definitely put persimmon in her wish list.”

Customer: “Are you sure she didn’t pick placenta and somebody put the wrong color in the computer?”

Me: “I can assure you that we do not carry a color called placenta.”

Customer: “Well, I’m gonna call her and make sure she knows you put that persnickety color on her file instead of placenta! I’ll call you back.”

Exorcisms Not Included, Part 2

| Illinois, USA | Uncategorized

(We have candy canes leftover from a holiday event sitting on a shelf above my register. A woman has just left her seven or eight year old daughter guarding a second load of purchases while she puts the rest in the car. The daughter is clutching a care-worn doll.)

Girl: *very politely* “Excuse me, I noticed you seem to have a bowl of candy canes up there. May I have one?”

Me: “Sure, as long as your mother says it’s alright.”

Girl: “Well then, I guess you will have to ask her, or I will have to ask, or…” *lowers her voice* “…the doll’s soul will have to ask.”

Me: “You know what? I can ask her. Yeah. I can totally ask her.”

Related:
Exorcisms Not Included

From Boob Tube To Boob Tubes

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Uncategorized

(In 1994, I worked at one of the first ISPs in the world. Customers have heard a lot about the internet, but in the days before Google, they sometimes had a hard time finding exactly what they wanted.)

Female coworker: “Hey, I have a guy on line 1 who is asking to talk to a male.”

Me: “What? That’s insane. What does he want?”

Female coworker: “I have no idea, but he’s really insistent on talking to a guy.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll take it.” *picks up phone* “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I…uh…have a question and, um…I wanted to talk to another guy about it, if ya know…”

Me: “What is your question, sir?”

Customer: “Well, I’m on the Internet and I’m looking for something. I can’t find it.”

Me: “I understand. What are you looking for?”

Customer: “Uh…well…where the h*** are the boobies?”

It Must Have Been A New Moon, Part 2

| Bainbridge Island, WA, USA | Uncategorized

(I am a patron at the library on my day off to meet up with a friend. Another patron wearing a ‘Team Edward’ shirt approaches my coworker, who is fixing the name tag on her ‘Save the Wolves’ t-shirt that she’s wearing for the library’s animal week.)

Patron: “You should be ashamed of yourself! You are supporting those hairy monsters!”

Librarian: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What’s the problem?”

Patron: “You shouldn’t be supporting the werewolves! Bella loves Edward, not some hairy dog!”

Librarian: “No, this shirt is supporting the local wolf refuge. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

(The patron starts screaming obscenities and raving, which is beginning to disturb other patrons. I decide to intervene at this point since I’m still waiting for my friend. Note that I am a well built girl that stands at about 5′ 9″ and am wearing my animal eye contacts for the party.)

Me: “Pardon me ma’am, but what seems to be the problem here?”

(The patron turns around, looks up at me, and goes white.)

Patron: “Y-you’re one of them aren’t you?”

Me: “Please leave my friend here alone and go about your business.”

Patron: *runs out the door yelling* “See if I come back here with you employing her kind!”

Related:
It Must Have Been A New Moon

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