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    There Can Be Only One

    | Ohio, USA |

    (I am a manager in a department store. I’m returning a call to a customer who has a complaint.)

    Me: “Hi, this is *** calling from [department store] to follow up with your concern.”

    Customer: “Yes, I was in your store yesterday and I had to wait in line forever. I had a coupon that expired at 1 pm. I got tired of waiting, so I just left.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that. Would you mind telling me in which area you were trying to pay?”

    Customer: “All over. The lines were long everywhere. I’m thinking about cutting up the credit card I have with you all!”

    Me: “Well, I do want to thank you for letting me know. We had tried to make sure that someone was scheduled to ring at every register, and it looks like we have some opportunity to improve that.”

    Customer: “Oh, every register had someone ringing at it. There were plenty of sales people.”

    Me: “Well…uh…how can I help you then?”

    Customer: “There were just too many customers in your store!”

    Fido’s Fashion Emergency

    | Calgary, AB, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pet store], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, operator. Can you please connect me to [pet store]?”

    Me: “This is [pet store], ma’am.”

    Customer: “[Pet store]! I NEED TO BE CONNECTED TO [pet store]!”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is [pet store].”

    Customer: “[Pet store!] I NEED TO BE CONNECTED IMMEDIATELY, IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is [pet store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh, this is [pet store]? I’d like to buy a doggie sweater.”

    Urine Way Over Your Head, Part 3

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada |

    (I am working at the library reference desk. A teen patron approaches.)

    Me: “Hi! What can I help you with?”

    Customer: *looking away and fiddling with his hair* “Um…do you smoke pot?”

    Me: “Uh…no.”

    Customer: “See…there’s, like, this test right? And I’m not gonna be able to pass it, so can I like…um…buy your pee?”

    Me: “No. That’s not a service we provide here.”

    Customer: *slouches off*

    Related:
    Urine Way Over Your Head, Part 2
    Urine Way Over Your Head

    Olfactional Hazards

    , | Melbourne, Australia |

    (A customer comes up to me with a knitted poncho.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, is this 100% wool?”

    Me: “No, it’s 100% acrylic.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? It feels like wool.”

    Me: “It does, but it is acrylic. I saw the tag before it came off.”

    Customer: “But it feels so much like the scarf I’m wearing right now, and that one is 100% wool. It even smells like wool. Smell it!”

    Me: “Um, my nose isn’t good enough to distinguish between wool and acrylic. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “No, smell it! Then, smell my scarf.” *sniffs both the poncho and scarf* “See, they smell the same.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll take your word for it.”

    Customer: “No, smell my scarf. Smell it!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “SMELL MY SCARF!”

    Jesus On The Dance Floor

    , | Calgary, AB, Canada |

    Customer: “Hey, you guys shouldn’t have this DVD on the shelf! It’s very inappropriate!”

    (The customer hands me a copy of “Jesus Christ: Superstar”.)

    Me: “What’s so bad about it?”

    Customer: “It is inappropriate to portray the son of God like this! He is not a rockstar!”

    Me: “Okay. Well, you can submit a complaint with our corporate office, because I can’t control what gets put on our shelves.”

    Customer: “Okay, well I’m definitely adding in the fact that this DVD was horribly placed!”

    Me: “Where was it?”

    Customer: “It was on the floor! The son of God should not be on the floor!”

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