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    Getting Ham-pered

    | Memphis, TN, USA |

    (A customer walks over to my counter and asks if he left his shopping basket after he paid.)

    Me: *jokingly* “Not unless you only bought expired ham, sir.”

    Customer: “Could I have that expired ham?”

    Me: “No, sir. We have to log it and throw it out.”

    Customer: “Well, if you’re just going to throw it out, can I have it?”

    Me: “No, sir. I have to take it out to the dumpster.”

    Customer: “Well, what if I watch where you throw it out, and then take it?”

    Me: “That would be stealing.”

    Customer: “Well, could I just buy it, then?”

    Me: “No, that would be a liability. We could sell you some fresh ham, if you like.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want fresh ham!”

    How To Austra-cize Common Sense

    | Sydney, Australia | Top

    (A customer asks for the bill. I give it to her.)

    Customer: “Hold on, where am I?”

    Me: “You’re in [restaurant].”

    Customer: “No, what country?”

    Me: “Seriously?”

    *blank stare*

    (At this moment I notice a large bag on the table next to her and a large travel backpack on the seat next to her.)

    Me: “Australia. Are you backpacking the world?”

    (The customer opens her bag and pulls out over a dozen envelopes with different countries written on them. France, Russia, China, Germany, Thailand, etc. She pulls Austria out of the pile.)

    Me: “No, it’s Australia.”

    (The customer puts it back and finds her Australia envelope. Out of the envelope comes Euros.)

    Me: “Okay, get Austria.”

    Customer: “You told me that’s wrong.”

    Me: “You misplaced your money.”

    (The customer reluctantly gets her Austria envelope again. Out of the envelope comes Australian dollars, which I happily accept. She puts everything back in the wrong envelope.)

    Me: “I think you should put them in the correct envelope this time. Euros doesn’t need to be separated by country. You can name multiple countries on that one envelope.”

    Customer: *yelling* “Don’t tell me what to do! I’m the one travelling, not you. Don’t forget, you’re the one who told me my first envelope was wrong!”

    A Timeless Request

    | East Greenwich, RI, USA |

    (The art director of a local mid-sized advertising agency always wants everything right away. In fact, all his job orders are coded
    ‘HSR’ – Hot Screaming Rush.)

    Me: “You want this today?”

    Customer: *blank look* “Of course I want it today. If I wanted it tomorrow, I’d have brought it in tomorrow!”

    Q-Wally-fied

    | VA, USA | Top

    (I am working on replacing a computer at a customer’s house. The customer’s mother walks in.)

    Me: “Okay, I’m going to look at your video card now.”

    Mother: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Looking at the video card.”

    (I take off the case to the computer.)

    Mother: “What are you doing?! You said you were looking at the video card!”

    Me: “I have to take the case off to see it.”

    Mother: “I don’t feel comfortable with someone your age working inside my son’s computer.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am a fully certified technician. I’ve built and sold 3 computers in the past week. I will not harm your computer.”

    Mother: “I will just get my husband to do it, since he is more qualified.”

    Me: “Well, that is fine. For my reference, what are his qualifications?”

    Mother: “He fixes our internet when it goes down.”

    Solar Power With Extra Flare

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    Me: “Welcome to [power company]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I have solar panels, and I’m moving house. I was just
    wondering if you could transfer the power?”

    Me: “Oh, you wanted to know if you can take the panels to your new house? You’ll have to contact a solar company for that sir, but I don’t think so.”

    Caller: “No. I don’t want to move the panels. Can’t you just move the power from them across? Like, through the air or by cable or something?”

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