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  • Senseless Sensibility

    | Everett, WA, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have the movie Sense and Sensibility?”

    Me: “Yes we do, did you want the British or the American version?”

    Customer: “I don’t know which one it was, but it has two parts.”

    Me: “I think that would be the British version.”

    (I take her to the section and show her the movie.)

    Customer: “Yes, that’s it! I’ll take it!”

    Me: “Great! Is there anything else I can do for you?”

    Customer: “Does this movie use subtitles?”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s British.”

    Customer: “Well I don’t know! I’m not an English major!”

    How About Ten To The Durrrrr

    | Fort Worth, TX, USA |

    Me: “Hello, welcome to *** Bank. What can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “I want to withdraw ten hundred dollars.”

    Me: “Ten hundred? Is that one thousand?”

    Customer: “Don’t say that so loud! I don’t want people to think I’m getting one thousand. That’s why I said ten hundred!”

    When Stupidity Hits The Pint Of No Return

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: “I see you changed your sizes?”

    Me: “Yeah, we had to change it from pint and quart because too many people were asking which was bigger. Now we’ve got large and small.”

    Customer: “They can’t tell by the price?”

    Me: “Maybe they aren’t stressing it in schools anymore.”

    (A second customer walks in and looks at a menu for a second.)

    Customer: “But that is sad, kids don’t know which is bigger.”

    Customer #2: “What’s bigger?”

    Me: “Pint or a quart.”

    Customer #2: “That’s pathetic.”

    (A few moments of silence pass.)

    Customer #2: “So, which is bigger, the large or the small?”

    Please, Take A Cut Of My Cheese

    , | Fort Wayne, IN, USA |

    Customer: *completely stoned* “Hey, what’s your cheapest thing in the store?”

    Me: “That’d probably be these miniature whoopee cushions. They’re a dollar apiece. There are three on the shelf behind you.”

    Customer: “I’ll take all of them!”

    (As I’m finishing the transaction, a well-dressed mother comes in with a young boy in tow.)

    Customer: “Hey guys! Look what I just got!” *shows them the whoopee cushions*

    Mother: *obviously uncomfortable* “Um…that’s very…nice, I guess?”

    Customer: “Do you want one?”

    Mother: “Oh no, no thank you, we were just–”

    Customer: “C’mon, I have three of them! What do I need three for?”

    (He shoves a whoopee cushion into the mother’s hands and wanders off happily.)

    Fuel For (Lack Of) Thought

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My son told me to get broadband I’d have to pay more money, but I told him that there was this thing from the phone company you put on your telephone chord that gave you broadband.”

    Me: “You mean a noise canceler, sir? That is only for DSL lines through the phone company, not through us.”

    Customer: “Diesel…yeah, that’s what I want! So, can you hook me up with diesel broadband?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry we don’t offer D-S-L Lines. You have to call your phone company and have them installed.”

    Customer: “Do you have unleaded lines?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s DSL. Not diesel as in the fuel.”

    Customer: “You’re not a very good company then. You’re saying I can’t get diesel from you, but then telling me I can’t get unleaded either.”

    Me: “Sir, if you just call your phone company I am sure they can help you.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay then.”

    (The customer starts mashing numbers on the keypad without hanging up. I stay on the line.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “I just talked to [my company] and they said you have diesel lines.”

    Me: “Sir you never hung up the phone. This is still [my name] from [my company name].”

    Customer: “Holy s***! You work for both places?”

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