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    Ruh Roh, Retroactive Rewards Rage

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    Me: “…and your total will be ***. Would you like to join our rewards program? It’s a new program we’re offering where many of the items you purchase everyday will give you rewards toward future purchases.

    Customer: “You have a rewards program that could save me money?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. It’s a new program that we just started.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** didn’t anyone tell me about this before? I’ve been coming here for months, and no one has told me about this! How rude!”

    Me: “It’s a new program. We just started it today. In fact, you’re one of the first people that has been offered this reward.”

    Customer: “But I’ve been coming here for months! Do you know how much money I could have saved?!”

    Me: “It’s a new program–”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you wouldn’t have offered something like this to a regular customer when I started coming here! F*** you! I’m going to [competitor's store]!”

    Lax With The Anthrax

    | River Forest, IL, USA |

    (Note: I work security at a small university. A student approaches my desk.)

    Student: “I think someone might have sent me an anthrax letter.”

    Me: “Okay, why do you think that?”

    Student: “Well I got a letter telling me I might have won some money, but I haven’t entered any contests.”

    Me: “Was there any powder in it?”

    Student: “No. Just the letter. But it’s suspicious.”

    Me: “Companies send those out all the time to market things.”

    Student: “I really think it has anthrax.”

    Me: “Okay, give it to me.”

    Student: “Well, I threw it away in the computer lab.”

    Me: “You threw it away in a public trash can?”

    Student: “Well yeah, it might have anthrax!”

    Bugging Out

    | Florida, USA |

    Me: “911, what’s your emergency?”

    Caller: “If anyone calls about screaming coming from **** Road, disregard it. I just had a bug on me.” *click*

    Please Stow All Carrion Baggage

    | Ketchikan, AK, USA |

    Customer: “I have two bodies I want to get from Craig to Ketchikan.”

    Me: “Alright, I would suggest you take the earlier flight so you have time to clear TSA with the bodies.”

    Customer: “What! One of the bodies is me!”

    Me: “Uh…you said you have two bodies you need to bring in from Craig. Are you talking about just needing two reservations?”

    Customer: “Well, duh! What did you think I was talking about!”

    A Small Fish In An Even Smaller Pond

    | New York, USA |

    (At the pool where I work, we usually give swim tests to young children who want to go swimming in the deep section without a parent.)

    Mother: “Can my son take the swim test?”

    Me: “Sure, how old is he?”

    Mother: “He’s three, but he’s a very good swimmer! He doesn’t even use waterwings in our pool!”

    Me: “Alright let’s see you jump in! Swim to the other side and come back.”

    (The boy jumps in and starts swimming, badly.)

    Mother: “You’re doing great, sweetie!”

    (The boy, still struggling, turns around, swims back to the ladder, and climbs up.)

    Mother: “So, he passed, right?!”

    Me: “No.”

    Mother: “What! Why? I can’t believe you won’t let my son swim out there!”

    Me: “Well, your son clearly is not a strong swimmer and I feel it’s not safe to let him go.”

    Mother: “No, my son is a great swimmer! He spends every summer swimming!”

    Me: “What kind of pool do you guys have?”

    Mother: “A kiddie pool.”

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