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    Just Follow The Purple Brick Road

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (At the bike rental shop where I work, we usually give customers a map of the area to know the route they’re taking.)

    Customer: “Which of these routes do we take?”

    Me: “You’re going to follow the bike path. It’s the purple one on your map.”

    Customer: “Oh, perfect!” *to her friends* “We just have to look for a purple trail!”

    Totally Plastered

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Alright, your cast is on nice and secure. It should heal within four to six weeks.”

    Patient: “Really? Only four to six minutes?”

    Me: “No, four to six weeks.”

    Patient: “Okay, four to six minutes.”

    Me: “Sir, it’s impossible for it to heal within four to six minutes. It takes about four to six weeks.”

    Patient: “Oh, all right.”

    (I turn around to fill out his form. When I turn back around, he has taken off his cast.)

    Me: “Sir, why did you take off your cast?!”

    Patient: “Well, you said it heals within four to six minutes, but you said it was too short, so I waited seven minutes…but it still hurts.”

    Me: “Sir, your arm is still broken. Four to six weeks is around a month and a half.”

    Patient: “Well, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?! A month and a half is five weeks! Why did you say four to six minutes?”

    Me: “I never said…” *I pause and compose myself* “…okay, nevermind. Let’s put on a new cast.”

    Patient: “Oooh! Can I have a pink one?”

    Tit For Tat(too)

    | Ohio, USA | Top

    (I have a tattoo on my foot of a vine of ivy. Usually, I hide it with my socks and shoes while working, but one day they get wet on the playground so I take them off to keep from getting blisters. While I’m changing shoes, a child notices the tattoo.)

    Child: “Oh! What’s that?”

    Me: “It’s a tattoo, it’s like a permanent drawing on your skin you can get when your 18.”

    Child: “Can I touch it?”

    Me: “Sure, it just feels like skin.”

    (Several kids come over to touch my tattoo. A mother walks in.)

    Mother: “Is that a tattoo?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Mother: “You should be ashamed! You are setting a bad example for these children! That could be a gang symbol or related to drugs like marijuana!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s just ivy.”

    Mother: “What?! I don’t know anything about your drug symbols. This is highly unprofessional and I will be speaking to your boss! Advocating drugs like this!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Next time I’ll be sure to hide my tattoo, but I assure you it has nothing to do with drugs or any illegal behavior.”

    Mother: “You’d better! I can’t believe you would be allowed to work with kids!”

    (The mother bends over to pick up daughter, and I see a pair of dolphins tattooed very low on her back–AKA a “tramp stamp”. It’s visible just above her thong and low rise jeans. Rightly or wrongly, these tattoos often have a negative connotation.)

    Me: “Nice dolphins.”

    Mother: “I’m an adult! Don’t you judge me!”

    May We Suggest A Troublemaker Instead

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK |

    Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello dear, I was wondering if I could return this coffee machine? It’s not making any coffee.”

    Me: “Oh, right. Well, normally you would send it to the manufacturer and they would repair it.”

    Customer: “Who?”

    Me: “The manufacturer.”

    Customer: “But I bought it here. Have a look at it anyway, son.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll have a quick look.”

    (I open the box to find the machine wrapped in plastic and only slightly wet, but otherwise as clean as a brand new one.)

    Me: “When you tried it out, did you put coffee in it?”

    Customer: “Coffee?”

    Me: “Yes, did you put coffee powder or granules in it?”

    Customer: “No, of course not! Don’t be silly, it’s a coffee machine. It’s meant to MAKE coffee, is it not? Why buy a coffee machine that needs coffee in it to make coffee?!”

    Fun With Photons

    | California, USA |

    Me: “Hi sir, was there anything I could help you find today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I was wondering something. Why do all these glasses have the same white circles on the lenses? It’s really unstylish. I’m surprised people like this store!”

    Me: “Sir, that’s the reflection of the light on the glasses.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

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