The Uncertainty Principle Of E-Mail

| Dartmouth, NS, Canada | Technology

(I’m a part-time cellphone salesman and a full time web development student.)

Customer: “So, if I buy this smartphone, I will need to cancel my home internet, right?”

Me: “Why do you think that, ma’am?”

Customer: “What, are you an idiot? You can’t have email in more than one place.”

Me: “Um, yes, you sure can, ma’am.”

Customer: “What do you know? You’re just a kid in a cellphone store. My husband knows everything there is to do with computers. He works at [clothing store].”

Me: “Well, ma’am, not only do I work here, but I am also in IT and guarantee you that you can have your e-mail on your cell and computer.”

Customer: “You’re an idiot. You don’t know anything!” *storms out without her new phone*

Cheap Like White On Rice

| Minnesota, USA | Food & Drink

(We have a customer who comes in and complains every single time to try and get his meal for free. I have seen him in action so I know to be cautious, but alas, he complains anyway.)

Customer: “What’s wrong with this rice?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean, sir–”

Customer: “It’s too light in color!”

Me: “Does it taste bad?”

Customer: “No, but it’s too light! It’s usually darker!”

Me: “That means it’s fresh, sir. It just came out. The longer it sits, the darker it gets.”

Customer: “This is bulls***!”

(The rice was sampled and seen to be in excellent quality, but he continued claiming it was BS until he had to be escorted out.)

Pray The Gay To Stay

| Melbourne, Australia | Family & Kids, Top

(We run a number of programs to help parents of children with special needs, so they can access services. We occasionally also give out parenting advice.)

Caller: “Can you tell me what makes someone gay?”

Me: “Sorry, can you repeat that?”

Caller: “Gay. What makes someone gay?”

Me: “Ma’am, if your child is gay, nothing ‘made’ them gay. And being gay is certainly not a disability.”

Caller: “Of course it’s not a disability! What kind of disgusting person thinks being gay is a disability?”

Me: “Then why do you want to know what makes someone gay?”

Caller: “I want to make my son gay. I would love to have a gay child. I’m very open minded!”

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t make someone gay. If your son is straight, you can’t change that.”

Caller: “Well, I see on the news all the time about how single parent families have gay kids. I am a single mother, but I still don’t think he’s gay.”

Me: “Um–”

Caller: “Should I show him pictures of gay men having sex?”

Me: *stunned* “Um…I doubt that’s a good idea. You would just confuse him, and possibly scare him. Can I ask how old your son is?”

Caller: “He’s three. I want him to be gay before he goes to school. So if gay porn would scare him, should I show him straight porn? I really really want a gay son.”

Me: “Ma’am, you cannot show a 3 year old porn of any kind! You can’t control your son’s sexuality!”

Caller: “You don’t understand. I’m very open minded! You must just be homophobic.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m gay!”

Caller: “Then why won’t you help me? Don’t you want my son to be gay? He’d be such a good gay man!”

Self Serve And Self Deserved

| Ohio, USA | Food & Drink

(I work at an all-you-can-eat buffet. My job is to bring drinks to the table and take away the dirty plates.)

Me: “Welcome to [restaurant name]! I’ll go ahead and get your drinks. The buffet is ready when you are.”

Customer: “Thanks!”

(I bring their drinks to the table and see that they are still there and have not gotten up to get their plates. I go about my business. About 10 minutes later, I see they are still sitting at their table with no food in front of them.)

Me: “Are you waiting on someone?”

Customer: “There you are! We’re starving! I’ll start off with chicken, corn, and mashed potatoes.”

Me: “Okay, well, the buffet is over there and you can help yourself.”

Customer: “You mean we have to get it ourselves?”

Customer #2: “Can’t you get our food for us?”

Me: “Are you disabled?”

Customer: “No, we’re not.”

Me: “The buffet is self-serve. The plates are up at the buffet.”

(Needless to say, I didn’t get a tip.)

Signs Our Educational System Is Going South

| Tel Aviv, Israel | Extra Stupid

Me: “Thank you, have a nice day.”

Customer: “That’s an interesting accent. Where are you from?”

Me: “South Africa.”

Customer: “Where’s that?”

Me: “In Africa.”

Customer: “Where’s Africa?”

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