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    No Ifs, Ends, Or Butts

    , | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes. I need to know if my insurance covers a butt indent.”

    Me: “I’m sorry…could you say that again?”

    Customer: “I need to know if my car insurance covers a butt indent. There’s one on the hood of my car. What is that covered under and how much is my deductible?”

    Me: “Um…do you know how it got there?”

    Customer: “No. It looks like a small butt, though.”

    Me: “Well, I can’t tell you what it would be covered under until I know how it got there. Do you know if it was the result of a collision or not?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “You have two different deductibles for your comprehensive coverage and your collision coverage. Do you know how the…butt ended up there? ”

    Customer: “No, but it’s a small butt on the hood of my car!”

    Me: “Well, your comprehensive deductible is $250 and your collision is $500. Would you like me to submit a claim and let the claim adjuster handle it from here?”

    Customer: “Oh no! I don’t want to make a claim. I was just wondering if it would be covered if I wanted to file one. Thanks!” *hangs up*

    Identity Bereft

    | McAllen, TX, USA |

    Caller: “What is your name?”

    Me: “Jennifer.”

    Caller: “Jonathan?”

    Me: “Jennifer.”

    Caller: “Jonathan?”

    Me: “JENNIFER.”

    Caller: “Jonathan?”

    Me: *giving up* “Yes, Jonathan.”

    Caller: “But that’s a boys name!”

    Me: “Yes, yes it is…”

    Dr. Jekyll And Mrs. Hyde, Part 2

    | Victoria, BC, Canada |

    (I’m ringing up a sweater for a customer at the till.]

    Customer: “This isn’t for me. It’s for that homeless guy across the street.”

    Me: “That’s very kind of you, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I know! It’s important to give back to the less fortunate.”

    (As I’m finishing with the transaction, she’s glances around the store.)

    Customer: “Wow, it’s pretty dead in here.”

    Me: “Yeah, we get a slow day every now and again.”

    Customer: “Well, I know that. I figured there would be a lot of people cashing their welfare cheques today.”

    (I’m not sure what to day to that, so I finish the transaction. As I’m putting the sweater in the bag with the rest of her items…)

    Customer: “Woah! Put that in a different bag, please. I don’t want that bum’s sweater touching my stuff!”

    Related:
    Dr. Jekyll And Mrs. Hyde

    The Imperial Left Or The Metric Left

    | London, UK |

    Guest: “How do you get to a cash machine??”

    Me: “You exit the hotel, turn left, and then–”

    Guest: “Turn left?”

    Me: “Yes, left.”

    Guest: “Left?”

    Me: “Yes, left.” *pointing with my hand*

    Guest: *confused* “Left…right…”

    Me: “Left in England is the same as left in America.”

    Guest: “Oh, okay! I get it!”

    When Age Equals I.Q.

    | Bristol, UK |

    (Our car insurance policies include an extension that lets customers drive other vehicles with minimum-level cover, but it’s only available to customers over 25.)

    Me: “Good morning, how can I help?”

    Customer: “Hi, I’ve got a policy with you. Will it let me drive other cars?”

    Me: “It might. Could I ask your age, please?”

    Customer: “I’m 23.”

    Me: “I’m afraid not, you have to be 25 years old or over before we give you that extension.”

    Customer: “Oh, ok, how do I get that, then?”

    Me: “…you have to turn 25.”

    Customer: “Oh! When will that be?”

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