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    Identity Crisis

    | United Kingdom |

    Customer: “Hi, I want 20 Marlboros.”

    Me: “Do you have any ID at all?”

    (The customer lifts his right sleeve on his t-shirt to reveal a tattoo of a date.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t accept that.”

    Customer: “Why not? That’s my f***ing date of birth! You think I‚Äôd just get some random date done on my arm?”

    Me: “We need photo ID, sir, like a driver’s license or a passport.”

    (The customer points at his face.)

    Me: “Umm…”

    *Sigh*, They Grow Up So Slow…

    | Des Moines, IA, USA | Top

    (A customer slams open the door to our indoor paintball field and storms in, shouting.)

    Customer: “Where’s the manager?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m the owner. What is the problem?”

    Customer: “I saw on your web site that you require a parental consent for kids to play at your field. Well, I never signed one, and my son said he’d been playing paintball here. He has bumps and bruises all over him, and I NEVER signed a consent form!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. He must have forged your name or had another adult sign for him. What’s his name? I’ll find the consent form.”

    Customer: “His name is ***.”

    (I find his form and show it to her.)

    Me: “Is this your son’s form?”

    Customer: “Yes! See, I never signed it!”

    Me: “Ma’am, your son is 27 years old. Only children are required to have a parent’s signature to play.”

    Customer: “But he is a child! He’s my child!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, let me rephrase that. Only children under the age of 18 need to have a parent’s signature to play. Since your son is 27, he can sign for himself that he understands all of the risks involved.”

    Customer: “This is insane! He could get his eye shot out, or be knocked out, or killed! This is illegal! I’m calling the police!”

    Hard Drugs And Harder Pharmacists

    | Mount Holly, NJ, USA | Top

    (A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Gimme all the f***ing medicine!”

    (The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)

    Me: “The pharmacy is in the back of the store.”

    Customer: “Oh…okay.”

    (He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)

    Manager: “Who was that?”

    Me: “Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy.”

    Manager: “Why didn’t you call the police?”

    (The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year old boxer built like a fridge.)

    Me: “Doug started working today.”

    How About “Shop Around The Clock”

    | Canterbury, England, UK |

    (A customer comes up to our customer service desk complaining about music playing in our store.)

    Customer: “I want you to take that last song off the speakers.”

    Me: “Umm, ‘Don’t Upset The Rhythm’? Is that the one?”

    Customer: “The one that goes ‘Go Baby Go Baby Go’?”

    Me: “Yeah.”

    Customer: “Yes, take it off. It’s pressuring me to hurry my shopping!”

    A High Credit Limit

    , | Hamilton, ON, Canada |

    (A customer comes up to the register at about 11 pm, looking a little out of it.)

    Customer: “Hi, how much is a double cheeseburger?”

    Me: “With tax, it comes to $1.46.”

    Customer: “Oh…okay…” (Searches through his pockets and comes up with 63 cents.) “Can I pay with this much cash and the rest on debit?”

    Me: “Sure, that’s no problem. I’ll have to do the debit portion first.”

    Customer: “Normally, I’d pay with the whole thing on debit, but I just bought a bunch of pot and I don’t know what’s left in my account.”

    Me: “How did you manage to buy pot with your debit card?”

    Customer: “Oh man! My dealer is so great! He just got one of those portable debit machines! He comes right to my house!”

    Me: “Well, if you could just swipe your card…”

    Customer: “Oh no! I didn’t protect my pin. What if you saw it?”

    Me: “Oh, don’t worry sir, I was over there I wasn’t even watching, and anyways I have a terrible memory.”

    Customer: “Ok, well it’s 6969. That’s my favorite number!”

    (After leaving with his food I had to chase after him, as he had left his debit card in the machine.)

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