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  • Never Too Late (Or Early) To Apologize
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    Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, What Are They Feeding You

    | Farmington Hills, MI, USA |

    Customer: “Oh, I needed help putting in this cat food, and the young man put in the wrong brand!”

    Me: “Okay, let’s go over there and get the right one.”

    (We walk over, and she looks at about five different bags of cat food, then goes to a bag of litter.)

    Customer: “I think it was this one I wanted.”

    Me: “Wait, did you want cat food or litter?”

    Customer: “What’s the difference?”

    TV On Demanding

    | Texas, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [satellite company]. How can I be of assistance?”

    Customer: “I need you to move the satellite, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Well, I want to watch the movie but we’re having a storm. Can you move the satellite closer so I can see the rest of the movie?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the satellite is in space and I can’t just move it closer to you.”

    Customer: “Okay. Well, can you pause the channel until the storm is over then?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, that is a broadcast going to everyone at the same time. We cannot pause the broadcast.”

    Customer: “Okay, just replay the movie for me. I get home from work about 5, so if you could start it at 6 I’ll have time to make a bite to eat first.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that is not how the broadcast works.”

    Customer: “You’re just not helpful AT ALL!”

    Helping The Needy

    | Salem, OR, USA |

    (To make the day more interesting, I am asking the prospective students about their Halloween.)

    Me: “So how was your Halloween? Did you dress up?”

    Student Caller: “I was Spock, of course.”

    Me: “Awesome. Live long and prosper.”

    Student Caller: “The needs of the many…”

    Me: “…are greater than the needs of the few.”

    Student Caller: “Or the one.”

    *long pause*

    Student Caller: “Marry me?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Student Caller: “What, is this moving too fast for you? Okay, how about a date? Coffee? I can be there in 4 hours!”

    Me: “Uhh… I don’t think this is appropriate. If you have any questions, you can call the office of admissions-”

    Student Caller: “Wait! I need to tell my mom I’ve met the future Mrs. Finkler!”

    New Years Resolution: Get A Brain

    | Virginia, USA |

    Customer: “What are your hours for New Years?”

    Me: “We will be closing at 4pm on New Year’s Eve.”

    Customer: “Do you have something with those times on it?”

    Me: “If you go over to the bulletin board by the door there is a sign with the hours.”

    Customer: “This sign says December 31, but nothing about New Year’s Eve!”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, New Year’s Eve is December 31.”

    Customer: “That’s not right! I asked for the hours on New Year’s Eve, and now you’re trying to trick me by giving me the hours for December 31!”

    Me: “No, New Year’s Eve is just the name of the holiday that occurs on December 31.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand.”

    Me: “Here, look at the calendar. See, if you look at December 31, it says ‘Holiday: New Year’s Eve’.”

    Customer: “What is this? I don’t want any part of your liberal anti-holiday conspiracy!”

    Cheap Computers Are Not Enough Of A Steal

    , | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Customer: “I need to get a 7 inch screen computer that will fit on my lap when I use it. Please, sell me one now!”

    Me: “I’d be happy to help you find a laptop.”

    Customer: “Well first off, I don’t want a laptop. I want a computer with a 7-inch screen that can sit on my lap while I’m using it.”

    Me: “Okay, follow me sir.”

    (I find him his computer. A few hours pass and the customer leaves holding a small box in his arms. The alarm sounds as he leaves the building. I rush up and bring him back inside.)

    Customer: “What is all this about! I stole nothing! I bought this computer! I paid for it just a minute ago!”

    Me: *searching his things* “Sir, you have a wireless mouse, 3 CD’s, 2 DVD’s, a camera, and a portable radio hidden in your jacket. You can’t just walk out of here without paying for those.”

    Customer: “But I bought the computer!”

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