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    Patty And Selma Go Cruising

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    (Back when I was about seven years old, I used to have a lemonade stand. One day, these female customers in their late 40s drove up.)

    Me: “Hi! Would you like to try some home-made lemonade? Only a dollar!”

    Customer #1: “I’ll only have some if you have whiskey in it!”

    Me: “Um, I don’t have any whiskey.”

    Customer #2: “WE WANT WHISKEY!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any whiskey.”

    Customer #1: “Well, if you don’t have any whiskey, we are leaving!” *drives off*

    When Super-Sized Burgers Meet Bite-Sized Brains

    , | NSW, Australia | Food & Drink

    (At the fast food restaurant where I work, we’ve just introduced a burger that is very large. Three customers come into the store…)

    Customer #1: “Can I get that new burger?”

    Me: “Sure, would you like anything else?”

    Customer #2: “Oh my God! You’re getting the new burger?!”

    Customer #1: “Yeah!”

    Customer #2, to me: “Hey, would that burger fit in my mouth?” *opens his mouth wide*

    Me: “No, sir. I seriously believe it won’t.”

    Customer #2: “What about now?” *opens bigger*

    Me: “No, sir.”

    Customer #2: “NOW?” *opens it as large as he possibly can*

    Me: “No.”

    Customer #3: “I apologise for his small mouth.” *hits the second customer on the head*

    Me: “That’s okay.”

    Customer #3: “So, would it fit in mine?” *opens mouth*

    Me: “No it won’t, sir…”

    Now I (Don’t) Know My ABCs

    | USA |

    (I am assisting a customer in creating a dialup connection on his computer. We’re up to the part where he enters his password. We’ve entered a few letters, when we come to one that is a bit troublesome.)

    Me: “The next letter is ‘T’, as in Tom.”

    Customer: “Z?”

    Me: “‘T’, as in Tom.”

    Customer: “I’m not hearing that letter.”

    Me: “It’s a letter ‘T’ as in Thomas.”

    Customer: “P?”

    Me: “A letter ‘T’, as in Thomas, as in ‘taste’, as in…”

    Customer: “I’m still not hearing the letter.”

    Me: “Okay, the letter in the alphabet that comes after ‘S’ as in
    salamander.”

    (Customer pauses for about 5 seconds.)

    Customer: “L?”

    You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2

    , | Fort Myers, FL, USA |

    Customer: “Why do you people keep calling me!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Ever since I bought this blasted phone the only phone calls I have gotten are from you people! I want you to stop calling me!”

    Me: “I’m not sure what-”

    Customer: “You know exactly what I’m talking about! How can you be so rude as to call someone’s house to bother them? Other people are trying to get through and are complaining to me because they aren’t getting a hold of me at home!”

    Me: “Do you have it with you?”

    Customer: “YES!” *pulls the phone out of purse* “LOOK! Right there! It’s your people’s number! It’s so rude!”

    (When you buy the phones, they have a sticker over the caller ID screen with our 1800 number on it. She hands me the phone with the sticker still on it.)

    Me: “It’s okay, ma’am, we haven’t been calling you, there’s simply this sticker on the screen.”

    Customer: “Why aren’t you answering my question?”

    Me: *removes the sticker* “See? It was just a sticker. That’s all it was…”

    Customer: “So the number isn’t on the phone now?”

    Me: “Nope, our number won’t be on your phone anymore.”

    Customer: “Does this mean you people will leave me alone?”

    Me: “Yes, I promise our corporate headquarters will stop calling you now.”

    Customer: “Ok, thank you!”

    Related:
    You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number

    Till Cyanide Do Us Part

    | Green Bay, WI, USA |

    (Note: My boyfriend recently gave me a promise ring; it has a very high setting.)

    Customer #1: “I love your ring. Where did you get it?”

    Me: “Oh thanks! My boyfriend gave it to me.”

    Customer #2: “Does it open up?”

    Me: “Um, I don’t think so.”

    Customer #2: “Because you know, it could be one of those rings that open up to hold poison.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer #1: “I don’t think her boyfriend would give her a ring that holds poison.”

    Customer #2: “You never know…”

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