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    Fighting Fire With Fire, Part 3

    | Huntingdon, Cambs, UK |

    (A man walks up to our gas station pumps smoking a cigarette. I am working alone, so I talk to him using the microphone.)

    Me: “Could you please move away from the pumps with your cigarettes immediately?”

    Smoking Man: *shouts back to me* “Petroleum extinguishes cigarettes!”

    Me: “You can’t smoke here. There are lots of explosive fumes!”

    Smoking Man: “No, I am a fireman! We use petroleum to put out fires!”

    Me: “I doubt that. I have now stopped all the pumps so no one else can get any gas until you leave the gas station.”

    Smoking Man: “PETROL EXTINGUISHES CIGARETTES!”

    (Just then, a customer who has been pumping gas speaks up.)

    Customer: “I’ll f***ing extinguish you, you d***!” *chases Smoking Man out of the gas station*

    Related:
    Fighting Fire With Fire, Part 2
    Fighting Fire With Fire

    When Good Onions Go Bad

    | Gainesville, FL, USA |

    (At the natural foods store where I work, we cater to a lot of people with food allergies. I overhear this conversation between two customers:)

    Customer 1: “I have a mild case of celiac disease. It’s always so tempting to just eat a little bit of bread or cookies, but I regret it so much later!”

    Customer 2: “Oh yeah, I know what you mean. I love onions, but I’m terribly sensitive to them. They make me suicidal!”

    Customer 1: *laughs* “I’m sure they’re not that bad!”

    Customer 2: “Very much so! I can tell when I accidentally eat some because my thoughts turn dark. I hallucinated the bacon had a gun and wanted revenge!”

    The Aura-oma Of Fresh Coffee

    | Lakeville, MN, USA |

    (A customer orders a Zebra Mocha, but requests ‘love’. I add the note ‘Please make with love!’ to the order. I give the drink to her, and she takes a sip.)

    Customer: “Hey! I wanted it made with LOVE! I can taste the despair and hatred!”

    Me: “Sorry, do you want me to remake it?”

    Customer: “No! I want someone else to make it. You reek of hate and despair and sadness. I want LOVE!”

    Me: “Um…okay. Well, I’m the only one here, so can I give you a refund or remake it?”

    Customer: “Fine, but remember the LOVE.”

    Me: *remakes drink* “Here you go…honey!”

    Customer: “Thanks!”

    Two Heads Of Lettuce Are Better Than One

    | Tennessee, USA |

    (I’m checking out a grocery store customer. Everything seems normal until she heads to the bagging area.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. I don’t have a bagger right now.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s fine, I can bag!” *pause* “Would you like paper or plastic, ma’am?” *pause* “I’d like paper, please, thank you.”

    (I glance over at the woman from the corner of my eyes.)

    Customer: “I love your shirt!” *pause* “Thank you!”

    (I continue checking out the lady’s order.)

    Customer: “Oh, miss, you’re going too fast. Please slow down!”

    (I turn off my conveyor belt and continue to ring up her items.)

    Customer: “No, stop going so fast!”

    (I slow down for the last four items and then give her the total. The customer comes to the credit card machine to pay.)

    Customer: “Thank you, you’re such a wonderful cashier! We’ll have to remember to come through your line next time!”

    Three Dimensions Is Two Too Many

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but why are you closed at the moment?”

    Me: “Umm…sorry?”

    Customer: “Why are you closed?”

    Me: “We’re not closed, we’re open for business. Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “No, you are closed. That’s what that sign says.” *points to hanging sign on door* “See? It says ‘CLOSED’ in big red letters.”

    Me: “Actually, that sign is to indicate to the people that are outside that we are open for business. It says ‘OPEN’ on the side pointing outwards. It flips, see?” *I go and show her*

    Customer: “But it says on this side that you are closed. Why are you closed?!”

    Me: “I can assure we are open. Are you sure I can’t help you with anything?”

    Customer: “I swear if this is one of those elaborate radio station hoaxes, I will never shop here again!”

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