Phoning, But There Is Nobody Home

| GA, USA |

Me: “So, I need to get you off your cell phone so we can put a lock code on it. Then people can’t use it without your permission.”

Customer: “Okay. That would be good.”

Me: “Do you have another line I can call you on?”

Customer: “My boyfriend’s phone is right here.”

Me: “What’s his number?”

(She gives me the number.)

Me: “Okay. I’m going to call you on his phone. Don’t hang up until we get on that line.”

(I put her on hold and call the phone. Nobody answers. I check back on her.)

Me: “Ma’am, I think I have that number wrong. Can you give it to me again?”

(She gives me the exact same number.)

Me: “Okay. I called you on that number and nobody answered.”

Customer: “Well, it rang but I didn’t answer it. I wasn’t sure who was calling.”

The Cup Is Half Empty Kinda Guy, Part 2

| Essex, UK |

(The pub has a special offer selling pints of ale for the price of a half-pint.)

Customer: “Can I have a pint of ale, please?”

Me: “There you go. That’s £1.”

Customer: “But, your sign says that a pint costs the same as a half-pint.”

Me: “It is. A pint is usually £2.”

Customer: “That is a rip-off. A pint should cost £1 anyway.”

Me: “I assure you that a pint is usually £2.”

Customer: “Forget this. I didn’t come in here to be conned. Just get me a half-pint instead.”

(I pour half of the pint into a half-pint glass.)

Me: “Here you go, sir.”

Customer: “That’s better. How much is it?”

Me: “It’s £1.”

(The customer pays, picks up his drink and walks off happy.)

Related:
The Cup Is Half Empty Kinda Guy

As Blank As His Brain

| CA, USA |

(I am trying to help a customer retrieve a lost page on his website.)

Customer: “So, why was my page lost in the first place?”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure, sir. What were you doing before you lost the page?”

Customer: “I was editing it.”

Me: “Okay, what part did you edit?”

Customer: “Well, I edited the heading, and I noticed the page was blank when I was scrolling down.

Me: “So, why did you click save?”

Customer: “Well, I thought it would just pop back up.”

Me: “No, sir. You just saved a blank page over what you had, and erased everything.”

Customer: “Well, you guys should put that in big bold letters at the top of the page. ‘Don’t save page if main area is blank!’.”

Cupid Meets Stupid

| Deerfield, IL, USA |

(I am a cashier at a bookstore. It is 9pm and our store has just closed. A male customer walks up to me empty-handed, and leans against the counter conspiratorially.)

Customer: “So, busy night?”

Me: “It was, yes.”

Customer: “Do you like working here?”

Me: “Yes. Is there something you need from behind the counter?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Well, if there is a particular book you’re looking for, you can head back to customer service and one of my colleagues can get it for you.”

Customer: “No, I don’t need anything. Can I just stay here for a little longer?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, sir. Our store is closed. If you need somewhere to stay, [store] is across the street and they’re open 24
hours.”

Customer: “Well, my girlfriend is waiting for me outside. I just want to make her wait. She made me mad before, so I want to get back at her. Can’t you just let me stay a while longer?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We really need to close the store down. We won’t stay open if we’re not making any sales. All of us want to go home.”

Customer: “Isn’t there anything you can do? I can just sit in the cafe.”

Me: *thinking* “Well, you could buy a $25 membership with us. There’s a form to fill out. That’ll give you a couple more minutes.”

Customer: “Perfect!”

Me: “You do understand it will cost you $25?”

Customer: “Yeah. She really p***ed me off!”

Automatically Teller You How To Do Your Job

| Enfield, London, UK |

Me: “Thank you for calling [bank]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I have a complaint.”

Me: “Sorry to hear that, madam. What is the problem?”

Customer: “I have an account with your bank, and just used my card in an ATM belonging to [rival bank]. I tried to take out £50. It gave me my card back, but I didn’t get the cash.”

Me: “Sorry to hear that, madam. You will need to go into a branch of [bank] to fill out a form. They can then re-claim the money for you from [rival bank].”

Customer: “I don’t need to do that. I have a camera on my phone.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “Look, you are wasting my time. Call your supervisor; tell them that there is a very angry woman on the line with a picture of an ATM on her phone. Then he can press the little button on his desk that will make my £50 come out. Jeez, I didn’t realise I’d need to tell you how to do your own job too.”

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