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    Not-so-righteous Indignation

    | Bakersfield, CA, USA |

    (A customer claims they had found cockroaches in several pizzas we had delivered earlier. My manager tells me to go ahead and give them their money back.)

    Me: “Here’s your money refunded in full, and again, we’re very sorry for this. It’s never happened before.”

    Customer: “This is unacceptable! We’re never ordering from you again. You should feel ashamed!”

    Me: “Again, we’re very sorry. If you could just give me the pizzas back, I’ll dispose of them for you.”

    Customer: “Well…I don’t have them anymore.”

    Me: “What did you do with them?”

    Customer: *sheepishly* “I gave them to my kids.”

    As The Checkout Line Churns

    , | Philadelphia, PA, USA | Top

    (I’m ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this…)

    Me: “Your last name is [name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we’re related?” *chuckle*

    Customer: *very serious* “What is your name?”

    Me: “Oh, I was joking, we’re not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England.”

    Customer: *more serious* “What is your name?”

    Me: “Uhhh…I’m no–”

    Customer: “Do you have a brother named [brother's name]?”

    Me: “Yes, actually…”

    Customer: “Is your mother [mom's name]?”

    Me: “Uh, yeah…”

    Customer: “And your father’s name is [my estranged father's name]?”

    Me: “Well, he’s my biological father, yes.”

    Customer: *sticks out hand* “Nice to meet you, I’m your step-mother!”

    (The entire line of about a dozen people behind her gasps, like they were watching a soap opera.)

    Me: “Oh, God…please don’t tell my father I work here.”

    Customer: “You know why your father left your mother, right?”

    Me: “Uh…no?”

    Customer: “Because she cheated on him with [my stepfather]!”

    (The line behind her gasps again.)

    Me: “Oh, okay…”

    Customer: “You know, your father is very heartbroken about you. You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. You should call him and talk to him just so he can see how you’re doing.”

    Me: “Actually, we don’t–”

    Customer: “You and I need to go out for coffee sometime. I have a lot of stories to tell you.”

    Me: “Okay, well–”

    Customer: “I promise, I’m not an evil stepmother. Well, I’ll see you later, sweetie!” *bounces out the front door*

    Me: *speechless*

    Next customer: “Sweetie, are you okay?”

    Me: *still speechless*

    Next customer: “Why don’t you take a break? We don’t mind waiting.”

    Entire line: “No! Go take a break!”

    Me, to my boss: “Hey, I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in–”

    Boss: “For God’s sake, go home! I’ll see you on Monday.”

    Double The 60Hz, Double The Fun

    , | Panama City, FL, USA | Top

    (I notice an elderly couple in my department, browsing TVs.)

    Me: “Welcome to [electronics store]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”

    Husband: “Yes, we’re looking for a 46″ TV, but we aren’t sure what kind we need. Can you help us?”

    Me: “Certainly. First off, what will you mostly be watching? Sports, movies, video games?”

    Husband: “Mostly porn.”

    Wife: “Oh, don’t tell him that!”

    Me: “Well, then I suppose we’ll be needing an LCD with motion processing.”

    Wife: “Why’s that?”

    Me: “Well, we wouldn’t want it to blur during the good parts…”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    The Caped Crusader In His Spare Time

    | St. Cloud, MN, USA |

    (Our call center specializes in courtesy calls to new Health Care Members. We could only speak with the account holder.)

    Me: *on the phone* “Hello. Is **** available?”

    Man: “I’m Batman.”

    Me: “That’s…fine, sir, but is **** there?”

    Man: “I’m Batman.”

    Me: “I understand that, but for the purposes of my call, I have to speak with ****. Can you please tell me if she’s available?”

    Man: “I’m Batman.”

    Me: “I’m near a window, and I can see the bat symbol. While you go to meet the Commissioner, could you hand the phone to ****?”

    Man: “…” *click*

    He Auto Know Better

    | USA |

    (We take calls from all over the USA and Canada from people needing roadside assistance. This particular call was taken by a co-worker.)

    Co-worker: “What is wrong with your vehicle that you need it towed?”

    Customer: “I put it up on a flat.”

    Co-worker: “I’m sorry? You put it up on a flat…?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I put it up on a flat.”

    Co-worker: “What exactly is wrong with it?”

    Customer: “I put it up on a flat! You know, I have a dead battery and 3 flat tires.”

    Co-worker: “Oh, OK. Is that vehicle a two-wheel-drive or a four-wheel-drive?”

    Customer: “It’s a one-wheel drive. I told you I had 3 flat tires! Do you know anything about cars?!”


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