Of Inky Inputs And Inopportune Idioms

| Perth, Australia | Criminal/Illegal

(I am a employee at a electronics store. We are having a fairly normal day. As I am attending to a woman, two men barge through the shop and demand that everyone drop to the ground.)

Customer: *starts looking through her purse*

Me: “Ma’am, I think we should do what they say and not call the police.”

Customer: “No, I’m not looking for that…ah! Here it is!”

(The customer holds up a pen. Meanwhile, I’m lying on the floor with a confused look on my face.)

Customer: *whispers* “The pen is mightier then the sword.”

An I For An Eye

| Portland, OR, USA | Extra Stupid

Me: “What’s your name, ma’am?”

Caller: “Miriam.”

Me: “‘M’ as in Mary, ‘I’ as in India–”

Caller: “No! ‘I’ as in the eye in your face!”

Did I Steal That Out Loud

| Bethesda, Maryland, USA | Underaged

(Two boys around the age of 15 walk in without an adult. They order food that the average teenager cannot pay for. After they’re done eating, I come with the bill.)

Me: “Here is the bill.”

(They look at it. The total is about $107.)

Boy: “That’s a lot of cash. Let’s run!”

Me: “You better not, sir.”

Boy: “How’d you hear us? We were using telepathy!”

When Life Demands Too Much, Go Scientology

| Naperville, IL, USA | Math & Science

(I work in a store where we blend toppings in with the ice cream. The prices for addition “mix-ins” are posted in giant numbers.)

Customer: “Hi, I’ll have a small cake batter with Oreos, Heath Bar, M&Ms, fudge, and peanut butter sauce!”

Me: “Okay, coming up!”

(At the register.)

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $x.xx”

Customer: “What?! It says on your board that it is $3!”

Me: “Yes, but you got additional toppings, which increase the price.”

Customer: “Numbers aren’t real! Only scientologists believe in numbers! Why should I have to pay if I don’t believe in numbers?”

Two Points Make A Line, But Three People Don’t

| Helsingborg, Sweden | Uncategorized

(I’m at the front desk and there’s a line of three people. A middle-aged school teacher walks up to the counter.)

Patron: “I have a question.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to get back in the line and wait your turn.”

Patron: *looks at the line* “Young man, I would hardly call that a line.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Patron: “Three people don’t make a line. You really should be more clear about your line policies.”

Me: “Line policies?”

Patron: “Three people isn’t enough to call it a line!”

Me: “You would have to ask the people standing in line about that.”

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