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    When One Door Closes, Another Door Shuts

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Top

    (I’m assisting a customer in the parking lot with her groceries. She presses the lock button on the driver’s side door and closes it.)

    Customer: “Oh no! I locked my keys in the ignition!”

    Me: “Well, your back door is still open.”

    Customer: “I know, I know, but my door is locked! D***!”

    Me: “But the back door is still open. You could pass through it to–”

    Customer: *slams the back door shut* “Fine, there! Now it’s closed! Can we get back to my problem now?”

    Learning By Example

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Awesome Customers, Top

    Coworker: “Whoops, looks like there’s a 30 cent late fee on here for [movie]. It was returned a day late, so your total will be $6.25.”

    Customer: “What?! That’s impossible! I returned it the day after I rented it!”

    Coworker: “Well, it was a seven day rental, and it shows here that you returned it a day late at 6:13 pm.”

    (The customer continues to argue very loudly with my coworker, yelling out things like, “Do you know who I am?!” However, I tune it out because a regular customer comes up to my register.)

    Me: “Hi, Mr ***!”

    Regular: “Hey ***, love the hair. What’s the damage?”

    Me: “Oh boy, $43.76 in late fees? Where did you go this time?”

    (The regular leans way over into the other customer’s face and speaks loudly.)

    Regular: “$43.76 in late fees, you say? Here is my debit card, miss!”

    (He pulls his debit card out of his wallet with a big flourish.)

    Regular: “Boy, I should learn to return my movies on time, which is clearly not the fault of this establishment!”

    (The other customer shuts up, quickly pays, and leaves.)

    Me: “You’re my favorite.”

    Regular: “I know.”

    (We waived half his fees and gave him a free rental.)

    You Can’t Scam Your Cake And Eat It Too

    | Oshawa, ON, Canada |

    Me: “So, can I get you anything else?”

    Customer: “No, I’d like to make a complaint. The chicken was dirty. You didn’t wash it off before cooking it. Could you take it off my bill?”

    Me: “But you still ate it?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “You would get a discount if you sent it back, but you ate it.”

    Customer: “Can I speak to your manager?”

    (The manager comes out and they talk for a moment.)

    Manager: “Alright, so I’ll just bring you your bill then.”

    Customer: “But my friend told me if I complained, I’d get my meal free.”

    Manager: “You ate the meal, so you don’t get a discount.”

    Customer: “I didn’t bring any money, because I thought I wouldn’t have to pay!”

    You’re Not On Candid Camera

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: “That will be 23.75.”

    Customer: “Hey, weren’t you that guy from Romeo and Juliet?”

    Me: “Yes, I was. Did you see the performance?”

    Customer: “I did, but why are you working here?”

    Me: “Oh, I do this to get some work while I’m not acting.”

    Customer: “Oh, no!”

    Me: “What’s wrong?”

    Customer: “This is one of those joke shows isn’t it? I’m on camera!”

    Me: *laughs* “No, it isn’t. Don’t worry, actors just need more than one source of income sometimes.”

    Customer: “Quick! Is a man gonna jump out of my food bag or something and scare me?”

    Me: “Um, no. Don’t worry, I’m just working here part time.”

    (She looks through her shopping bag.)

    Customer: *turns to the person behind her* “I’m famous! I knew I was on camera look!”

    (She pulls out a snow globe from her shopping bag.)

    Customer: “You were gonna get me with this, weren’t you? Trying to act like you could see the future! It’s okay, dear. You can stop being in character now. You can come out now, camera crew!”

    Me: *playing along* “Well you got us, ma’am. I have to say, nothing escapes you!”

    (I turn to a camera that isn’t there.)

    Me: “Follow us next week when we try to pull a gag on a petrol station customer! That’s a wrap. Thanks for playing, miss!”

    (The customer happily pays and leaves.)

    In That Case, I’d Like To Buy A Vowel

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (A customer is doing a large cash withdrawal at our credit union.)

    Me: “Would you like large bills today?”

    Customer: “Yes. Can I get one thousand dollar bills?”

    Me: “The largest bill the fed currently makes is a one hundred dollar bill.”

    Customer: “Well, they have them on game shows on TV!”

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