November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

They Should Read More

| Des Moines, IA, USA | Uncategorized

(I sell e-readers at a book store.)

Customer: “How much do books cost in this thin thing?”

Me: “Here’s a list of new releases on the e-reader. This book is $14.99.”

Customer: “Is that hardcover or paperback?”

English And Polish And French, Oh My

| Krakow, Poland | Food & Drink, Language & Words

(Our bakery in question sells the best cupcakes, muffins and American coffee in town. It attracts a lot of English-speaking clients. Therefore, all the staff speaks excellent English. I am standing in line behind an elegant woman in her mid 30s.)

Cashier, in Polish: “Good morning, ma’am. What can I get you?”

Customer, in French: “I’d like a coffee with milk, please.”

Cashier, switching to English: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. I don’t speak French.”

Customer, in French: *appalled* “What?! I don’t understand! You’re talking to me in English!”

(She turns to other customers in line.)

Customer, in French: “She’s talking to me in English!”

Me, to the cashier: “I know French. Maybe I could help?”

Me, to the customer, in French: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Maybe I could translate for you? What would you–”

Customer, in French: “She’s talking to me in English!”

Me: “Yes, she is. She doesn’t speak French. Don’t worry, I can translate for you.”

Customer: “But we’re in Poland! And she’s talking to me in English! Isn’t that illegal?!”

The Devil To Pay, Part 2

| TX, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Alright. Your total is $23.34.”

(The customer hands me $30.)

Me: “Alright. Your change is $6.66.”

Customer: “That’s the devil’s number. I don’t want my change. It’s been tainted by Lucifer.”

Me: “Will it help if I give you an extra penny, or one less?”

Customer: “I don’t want it! The devil’s already marching through the stores.”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s just six dollars and some change. If you want, you can buy a pack of gum and it’ll be a dollar less.”

Customer: “That’s just Satan’s way of entering my body because I didn’t heed God’s word!”

(The customer gets on her knees and begins to scream, cry, and pray. My manager comes up as I’m not able to check anyone else out. Everyone else has gone to another checkout because she’s frightened other customers.)

Manager: “Ma’am, you’re upsetting people. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “Your cashier is touched by Lucifer himself! She needs to be baptized in the holy waters.”

Manager: *giving up* “Don’t worry, we have the priests come in every Sunday to bless our shipments.”

Customer: “Oh, well. That’s the Christian thing to do.”

(The customer gets up and takes her groceries. She refuses to take her money. The manager just tells me to keep it so my drawer isn’t over.)

The Devil To Pay

They Grow Up (And Get Incarcerated) So Fast, Part 2

| TX, USA | Uncategorized

(I am approached by an 8-year-old customer.)

Child: “Miss, can I buy this game?”

(He holds up a copy of an adult-rated game.)

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t. You’ll need your parent or guardian to buy that for you.”

Child: “Okay. I just called my mom. She’ll be here soon.

(The mother and other children arrive at the store.)

Mother: “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “I just need to know if you approve of this game. It contains blood, violence, use of drugs-”

Mother: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boobs, butts, drugs, whatever. I don’t care. He’s paying for it.”

They Grow Up (And Get Incarcerated) So Fast

The Deaf-initive Guide To Parenting

| San Francisco Bay Area, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(I work at the disability services office at a major university. We have an open house event.)

Parent: “What sorts of services you offer for students with hearing impairments?”

Me: “Oh, lots. We have real-time captioners–”

Parent: “Oh, like on TV.”

Me: “Yeah, sort of. The captioner attends the class and types the captions in real time.”

Parent: “Oh, cool. Well, my son’s hearing impairment is pretty mild, so I doubt he’ll need any of that. But I told him it’ll be important to hook up with your office because of extra funding and stuff. These days it’s all about the money, baby.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s true. There’s a certain amount of money available for students with disabilities. It can’t hurt to have him
come see us. Feel free to have him email or call, and we’ll set him up with an appointment.”

Parent: “Oh, he won’t be needing that for a while. He’s only five. I’m just trying to get a jump on things.”