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    Wild Creatures Of The Stupid Kingdom

    | New Jersey, USA |

    (I was shopping in a comic book store with my brother when a female customer approached me.)

    Girl: “You know what I’m going to do in college?”

    Me: “Er, what?”

    Girl: “I’m going to bark after every word when talking to the first person I see! Then they’ll go to my friends and say ‘Hey, where’s ****, the girl who barks?’, and nobody will know what they mean!”

    Me: “Uh…okay. Good idea.”

    Always Right, Even From Beyond The Grave

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: *on the phone* “Hello, welcome to [magazine company]. How can I help?”

    Caller: “I want to cancel my husband’s subscription.”

    Me: “Okay. Could I speak to your husband, as he is the account holder?”

    Caller: “I’m sorry, he passed away last week. That’s why I’m calling. I won’t have to pay what he owes, will I?”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that madam. I’ll cancel that and you are correct; you won’t be charged.”

    (I took the details. At the end, I said she could receive one more copy free.)

    Caller: “I’m sorry, I’m not following. I’ve had a lot to deal with since my husband died. We only buried him yesterday.”

    Me: *feeling dreadful for her* “Of course. I’ll go through it again.”

    (I ran through it, stopping at intervals to check she understood. She said she did.)

    Me: “Would you like the free copy? This month you get money off vouchers for books.”

    (15 seconds of silence.)

    Me: “Madam, are you there?”

    Caller: “I still don’t understand, dear. I’m not good with this stuff. Let me get my husband; he usually deals with this.”

    Me: “Madam, you told me your husband died.”

    Caller: *flustered* “I didn’t.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you did. You told me your husband died, his funeral was yesterday, and you asked me to cancel his contract and not charge you.”

    Caller: *now getting agitated* “I didn’t. You misunderstood.”

    Me: “Madam, we record calls. I can arrange for you to speak to a manager once the called has been reviewed, if you wish.”

    (Another 15 seconds of silence.)

    Me: “Madam, are you still there?”

    Caller: *click*

    A Time To Laugh, But Mostly A Time To Cry

    , | United Kingdom |

    (A woman and her three year old daughter leave the changing room and approach my counter. She looks to be flustered and in a hurry.)

    Me: “Hi there, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Just this, please.” *hands me her items*

    Me: “That’s £49.96, please.”

    (The woman frantically searches her bag for her purse and almost turfs the contents out onto the floor.)

    Customer: “I can’t find my purse.”

    Me: “It’s okay, take your time. Perhaps you left it in the changing room?”

    Customer: “No, I didn’t leave anything in there! Here it is.”

    (She hands me her credit card, I complete the transaction and hand her her purchases.)

    Me: “Here you go. Thank you for visiting today.”

    Customer: *nervous smile* “Thank you.”

    (The woman walks away hastily. Just before she gets to the shop door, her daughter speaks up.)

    Customer’s daughter: “But mummy, we did leave something in the changing room!”

    Customer: *starts walking quicker* “Shhh!”

    Customer’s daughter: *triumphantly* “We left my poo in there!”

    (The woman grabs the child by the hand and runs out of the shop. My colleague and I run over to the changing room to see for ourselves. Sure enough, in the corner of one of the changing rooms, there is a small pile of poo. We didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.)

    Friends With Benefits, Cards With Innuendos

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find a certain section?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a card.”

    Me: “Okay. What type of card?”

    Customer: “Well, there is this guy and he is my friend…but not really…and I want to get him a special card.”

    Me: “Okay, I’m not sure I understand. Do you want a friendship card?”

    Customer: “No. Oh my God, he would hate that! It’s just that…we’re friends, but not really. Like, we’re more than friends.”

    Me: “So, your boy–”

    Customer: “OH, GOD NO! He’s not my boyfriend. We just have a lot of sex, and I want to get him a card…for that.”

    Me: “Ma’am…I don’t think we actually make ‘Sex Buddy Cards’.”

    Customer: *long pause*

    Me: “Maybe a ‘Thank You’ card?”

    Customer: *runs from store*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Guilty, Yet Guiltless

    | USA |

    Me: “Hi, is **** there?”

    Customer: “This is him.”

    Me: “Hi, ****. I’m calling about your order.”

    Customer: “Oh, great! What do you need?”

    Me: “Well, sir, you unfortunately forgot to sign both your money orders.”

    Customer: “…So?”

    Me: “We can’t cash them if they’re not signed. They’re like checks that way.”

    Customer: “…So? When that happens, you should just sign it for us. You must write checks to yourselves for customers all the time.”

    Me: “No, sir, that’s called fraud.”

    Customer: “…So?”

    Me: “…So, that’s illegal.”

    Customer: “…So?”


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