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    Attack Of The Cownivores

    , | Hawarden, IA, USA | Top

    (Most corn that is grown in Iowa is for livestock. We sell sweet corn at our stand that sits in front of our feed corn field by the road.)

    Customer: “I want some of that corn.” *gestures toward feed corn field*

    Me: “Oh, that’s not sweet corn. That’s feed corn.”

    Customer: “What?! All corn is sweet corn.”

    Me: “No, there is sweet corn grown especially for humans and feed corn grown for cattle.”

    Customer: “Bulls***! I know you stupid hicks are trying to cheat me! Cows are meat-eaters!”

    Do As I Say, Not While I Stay

    | McMinnville, OR, USA |

    (A hotel guest who has been at our hotel for eight days comes up to the front desk while I am on duty.)

    Hotel guest: “Excuse me, I’d like to make an complaint.”

    Me: “Of course, ma’am, let me grab a comment card for you and we can discuss the problem to see if we can’t remedy it.”

    Hotel guest: “I don’t see how you could fix it, but your maid staff is stupid!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, what was it that was done to cause the problem?”

    Hotel guest: “Well, they never cleaned our room! In the whole week, we’ve been here they never once cleaned the room! I’ve had to ask for new towels and new soap every day, and the room is starting to smell!”

    (Upon checking her reservation information, I notice a “no service” comment has been put up on all but the first night.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, it does appear that the maid service does recognize that they were never able to come in and clean your room. I know this sounds silly, but there was ever a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign put on your door?”

    Hotel guest: “No! I did not put any signs on my door! They came to us so G** D*** early in the morning! We stay out late and have a good time and they are knocking at 10 am to come clean!”

    Me: “I apologize, ma’am. That is when their rounds typically start, any time after 9 am. Did they never come back after you asked them to come later?”

    Hotel guest: “Oh, yes! They came back at 3 pm, right when I was taking my afternoon nap! Woke me up! They came back around 3 or 4 pm and wanted to clean then! But I was sleeping! Honestly!”

    Me: “So, let me make sure I understand you. The housekeeping came two times a day, and both times you sent them away because it was either too early or you were taking a nap…and you are wanting to complain that your room was never cleaned?”

    Hotel guest: “Yes! It’s like they didn’t even care about us!”

    Me: “Well, I can at least remedy this for the rest of your stay. What time would you prefer housekeeping come to the room?”

    Hotel guest: “Oh I don’t know! But not those times!”

    (I try for another 30 minutes to come to satisfy the guest, but she gets too upset and storms off. My manager, a great people-pleaser, ends up giving them a free night’s stay for their next trip.)

    The Fearsome Foursome

    | Flint, MI, USA |

    (Note: I’m taking a drive-thru order.)

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant]. What can I get you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like a large coffee with four creams and four sugars in it.”

    Me: “That was a large coffee with quadruple cream and sugar?”

    Customer: “No, you dumb f***! I wanted a large coffee with four creams and four sugars!”

    Me: “Ma’am, quadruple means four.”

    Customer: “Oh…”

    When One Door Closes, Another Door Shuts

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Top

    (I’m assisting a customer in the parking lot with her groceries. She presses the lock button on the driver’s side door and closes it.)

    Customer: “Oh no! I locked my keys in the ignition!”

    Me: “Well, your back door is still open.”

    Customer: “I know, I know, but my door is locked! D***!”

    Me: “But the back door is still open. You could pass through it to–”

    Customer: *slams the back door shut* “Fine, there! Now it’s closed! Can we get back to my problem now?”

    Learning By Example

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Awesome Customers, Top

    Coworker: “Whoops, looks like there’s a 30 cent late fee on here for [movie]. It was returned a day late, so your total will be $6.25.”

    Customer: “What?! That’s impossible! I returned it the day after I rented it!”

    Coworker: “Well, it was a seven day rental, and it shows here that you returned it a day late at 6:13 pm.”

    (The customer continues to argue very loudly with my coworker, yelling out things like, “Do you know who I am?!” However, I tune it out because a regular customer comes up to my register.)

    Me: “Hi, Mr ***!”

    Regular: “Hey ***, love the hair. What’s the damage?”

    Me: “Oh boy, $43.76 in late fees? Where did you go this time?”

    (The regular leans way over into the other customer’s face and speaks loudly.)

    Regular: “$43.76 in late fees, you say? Here is my debit card, miss!”

    (He pulls his debit card out of his wallet with a big flourish.)

    Regular: “Boy, I should learn to return my movies on time, which is clearly not the fault of this establishment!”

    (The other customer shuts up, quickly pays, and leaves.)

    Me: “You’re my favorite.”

    Regular: “I know.”

    (We waived half his fees and gave him a free rental.)

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