Justice Is (Self) Served

| Attleboro, MA, USA | Food & Drink, Movies & TV

(This occurred approximately 4-5 years ago, but continues to be a favorite to tell the newbies. There are four concession stand workers and we are all on one side of the stand talking late one night.)

Me: *returning from other side* “Hey guys, did we remove the salted pretzel from the display?”

Coworker #1: “Not that I know of.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, that’s weird. Maybe the manager knows.”

(She finds our manager.)

Coworker #2: “Did you get rid of the pretzel display model?”

Manager: “No.”

Coworker #1: “You don’t think someone stole it do you?”

Coworker #2: “No, that would be stupid!”

(Then, we see a teen wandering the lobby looking a little bewildered, munching on a pretzel.)

Me: “Um…did you get that pretzel from the case there?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “That is a display model only. It has been there for a year and a half. It’s also been treated with shellac.”

(The customer takes a bite.)

Customer: *muffled* “Tastes pretty good to me!”

(The customer wanders off unsteadily and we all stare in utter shock.)

Manager: “Keep an eye on him. He’s probably going to be violently sick.”

An Idiom In Sheep’s Clothing

| Iowa, USA | At The Checkout

(I am a running through a rather elderly lady’s groceries.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, I did. Well…”

Me: “Anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Your shirt is nice; such a lovely material. I will add that to my purchase, please.”

Me: “Oh. Well, actually, I purchased this at [clothing store].”

Customer: “Yes, I’ll take your shirt please.”

Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m afraid I am unable to give you my shirt.”

Customer: “No, I’m the customer. You asked if I needed anything. I need your shirt!”

(At this point, she attempts to pull it off of me. Upon seeing a fleet of coworkers heading towards me, she runs out of the store, leaving her groceries behind.)

Manager: “What did she want?!”

Me: “Literally the shirt off my back!”

Wrote Memorization

| California, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, this is [name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I need to mail my bill. Can you give me your address?”

(I slowly and carefully give the entire address. I add appropriate pauses to make sure the caller has enough time to write down the address.)

Caller: “Okay, once more please.”

Me: “Oh, did I speak too quickly?”

Caller: “No, but I guess I should write it down this time.”

Getting Pork(ed)

| Massachusetts, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

Customer: “I would like a pound of vagina ham.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “A pound of vagina ham, please!”

Me: “Don’t you mean Virginia ham?”

Customer: “Virginia ham, vagina ham, whatever! Just give me a pound of it.”

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Yeah, slice it real nice.”

I’m A Renaissance Woman

| Princeton, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(The computers at checkout have lately been asking for the full birthdate of everyone purchasing cigarettes. While technically, we card everyone, a lot of our older customers complained at first, so we are allowed to simply request their birthdate rather than ask to see their ID.)

Customer: “Yes, I’d like [cigarettes], please.”

Me: “Alright. I’ll need your date of birth, please.”

Customer: “What? Make something up.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the computer needs a birth date in order to sell this product.”

Customer: “Well, you’re not getting it. Make something up!”

Me: “Um.”

(I put in January 1st, but leave the year free.)

Me: “Okay, I put in January 1st, but I’m going to need the year, at least.”

Customer: “Fine…1600.”

Me: “Something reasonable, ma’am.”

Page 1,638/2,658First...1,6361,6371,6381,6391,640...Last