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    One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Half-Measure

    | Grand Rapids, MI, USA |

    (I’ve finished ringing up a customer with a cart full of booze and cigarettes.)

    Me: “Your total today is $498.34.”

    (The customer pulls out a check that has been taped together, having obviously been ripped in half at some point. It even has VOID written on it. He proceeds to scratch out the information on the check and write in our store name and the amount).

    Me: “You know I can’t take that check, right?”

    Customer: “This is my check, and you take checks for payment. You are going to take this d*** check!”

    (The customer gives me the check.)

    Me: “I can’t approve this. Let me get my manager.”

    (I go and get my manager.)

    Manager: “Can I see your driver’s license, please?”

    Customer: “Whatever. Here.”

    Manager: “I need to make a copy of this, just a minute.”

    (The name on the check and the driver’s license don’t match, so the manager returns with security.)

    Manager: “If you would come with me to our office, the police will be here soon.”

    Customer: “It’s my d*** check! I found it in the trash!”

    Moms: Gotta Love ‘Em, Part 2

    | Moscow, ID, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I direct your call?”

    Customer: “Can you tell me if you have a product in your store? I have a code from an old receipt.”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I pull up my terminal and she gives me the number. The screen gives me information for a very specific brand of condom.)

    Me: “Yes, we have six in stock.”

    Customer: “Wait, you have some? Last time I was in you were out. I need that specific product. See, I have this deal with my son. I buy him condoms and he doesn’t provide me with grandbabies.”

    Me: “That’s nice.”

    Customer: “Can I buy those condoms over the phone and have them sent to my son? I don’t want grandbabies until he’s out of grad school, and he’s on the east coast.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You can buy them online and have them shipped to a store near him.”

    Customer: “Well, he doesn’t have a car. Can they be shipped to his house from your store?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but no. You could come in and buy them and ship to him yourself?”

    Customer: “I guess I’ll have to do that. But knowing my luck, I’d run into everyone I knew while I was there. Thanks!”

    Related:
    Moms: Gotta Love ‘Em

    We Are The Law

    | Birmingham, UK |

    (I’m helping at a comics show. Nearby are two men dressed in costumes as street judges from the comic Judge Dredd. A customer runs up to my store, clearly flustered.)

    Customer: “I need help, I lost my drawing!”

    Me: “A drawing? What type of drawing?”

    Customer: “The artist at the signing table did a drawing of Spiderman for me and I lost it! I need the police!”

    Me: “Okay, did you put it down at a stand or anything?”

    Customer: “Yes…no. No, I think it was stolen.”

    Me: “Somebody actually took it from you?”

    Customer: “No, but, hey!” *looks and points at the street judges* “They’ll help me! Hey, guys!”

    (The two judges come over to us at the desk.)

    Judge Dredd: “What’s the matter?”

    Me: “It’s okay, don’t worry. This man’s just lost a drawing.”

    Customer: “I didn’t lose it, it was stolen. I want you guys to go find it.”

    Judge Minty: “You serious?”

    Customer: “Yes! Go! This b**** is useless!”

    (Judge Dredd suddenly pulls big, obviously fake, gun from holster and points it at the customer.)

    Judge Dredd: “You really want to talk to the lady like that?”

    Customer: “Ahhh!” *runs away into exhibit hall*

    (About forty minutes, later the same customer comes back to my desk clutching a rolled up sketch. He’s eyeing the main doors, in front of which the two judges are posing for photos.)

    Customer, to me: “Um, is there another exit?”

    Ungratefully Gratis

    | Charlotte, NC, USA |

    (I work customer service for a grocery store chain. One day, I’m bagging groceries for a customer when his chicken rings up for $4.99/pound.)

    Customer: “I don’t think that price is right. The chicken is supposed to be half off this week.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, let me go check…”

    (I head back to the meat department and see that he is right. Our store policy is that if an item rings up higher than it’s advertised price, it’s free. I go back to the cashier and tell him to void it.)

    Me: “Congratulations, sir. You just got some free chicken.”

    Customer: “What? Why?”

    Me: “Because the item rang up the wrong price, and it’s our policy to give it to you for free.”

    Customer: “But doesn’t that affect your inventory? How do you keep track of that?”

    Me: “We don’t. Our main concern is that the customer is treated fairly.”

    Customer: “But that must cause some kind of problem!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but this is the way we’ve done it for years.”

    Customer: “That’s the problem with Americans these days! If it doesn’t affect me, why should I bother?! That’s all they care about!” *pays for the rest if his groceries and leaves in a huff*

    Related:
    Neither Gratis Nor Grateful

    Translation: Stupid

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “Excuse me, why won’t my card work on the pump?”

    Me: “Is it an American card?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “American cards don’t work at the pump.”

    Customer: “You should put up a sign or something.”

    Me: “Actually, there are several right above the card slot.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, I don’t read Canadian…”

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