Self-Serve Sashimi

| Philadelphia, PA, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

(I work at a co-op food store and it’s not uncommon for people to eat an apple or something while they shop and pay for it at the register. A woman comes to the check out line and I notice an empty raw fish package.)

Customer: *trying to be discrete* “Oh…um…I’m also paying for this.”

(She holds up the empty raw fish package.)

Me: “Uh, excuse me, did…did you eat that?”

Customer: “Keep it down! I don’t want the entire store to know!”

Not A Measure Of Intelligence

| New Hampshire, USA | Rude & Risque

(I am helping a customer load some insulation. We were unsure if it would fit. This occurs after it did, in fact, fit.)

Customer: “The insulation fit by like that much huh?”

(The customer holds out hands gesturing about a foot in length.)

Me: “Yeah, I guess so!”

Customer: “Wanna know how I knew it would fit?”

Me: “How?”

Customer: “Because that’s the size of my c–”

Me: “OKAY! Have a good day!”

The Volatility Of Intelligence

| Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “I spilled coffee on my phone. I need warranty replacement.”

Me: “Sorry, but the warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage.”

Caller: “It wasn’t liquid damage. It was coffee damage!”

Well, It’s The Sponge’s Day Off

| Ord, NE, USA | Food & Drink

(It’s my first time running drive-through. The floor manager and one or two other employees also have their headsets on.)

Me: “Welcome to [restaurant]. What can I get you?”

Customer: “I will have a chicken sandwich, and my grandson will have a Crabby Patty kids meal.”

(The floor manager’s jaw drops. The other employees burst out laughing.)

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, we don’t have Crabby Patties. Those are off of a kids’ TV show.”

Customer: “Oh…well, do you have anything like it?”

In This War, There Are No Winners

| Virginia, USA | Uncategorized

(I work at a state-run liquor store, which basically means the state owns everything, including the liquor. All damages are written off at no penalty to us or the customers. A customer approaches me holding a 1/2 gallon glass bottle.)

Customer: “So, you’re state run, right?

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: “So, if I break something, do I have to pay?”

Me: “No, but it would be really nice if you didn’t.”

Customer: “Well, here’s to getting my tax dollars back!”

(The customer suddenly smashes the $100 bottle on the ground and walks out.)

My boss: *sighs and gets a mop and broom*

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