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    Extra Crime Rib

    | Grants Pass, OR, USA |

    Customer: “I ordered a large prime rib last time I was here and it was awful! I want a new one.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am I will be happy to remake it for you. We’ll have it ready for you in a few minutes.”

    (I make a sandwich while the woman strolls over to the chips, hides a bag in her jacket and takes it to her truck. She comes inside with a water bottle, fills it up with soda and takes a seat.)

    Me: “Ma’am, your sandwich is ready. So you had a large prime rib and a bag of chips.”

    Customer: “I didn’t have chips!”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, you took a bag of chips to your truck. We have it on camera.”

    Customer: “Okay, maybe I got chips.”

    Me: “And I have to charge you for a medium drink.”

    Customer: “I didn’t get a drink!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. You filled up your water bottle with soda.”

    Customer: “But it’s my water bottle!”

    Me: “Yes, but you filled it with our soda. We have you on camera.”

    Customer: “Okay, maybe I did that. But my sandwich is still free, right?”

    Cookie Cutter Response

    | Perth, Australia |

    Me: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Why are you holding my website to ransom?”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “I pay you good money every month and now you’re holding my site to ransom to sell your cookies!”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “I went to my site and when I tried to add to cart, it came up saying I couldn’t until I bought some cookies! I never agreed to this and I’m going to sue!”

    Me: “Sir, cookies is just a computing term. What you saw was the page explaining that you have cookies switched off and telling you how to turn them on.”

    Customer: “Cookies! Blackberries! Well I don’t know these kind of technical things!”

    Back Tea The Basics

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Me: “For a quick cup of tea, this is a simple infuser to use.”

    Customer: “Infuser? What’s that mean?”

    Me: “Oh, it’s just another word for something that you use to steep tea in hot water.”

    Customer: “What’s that mean?”

    Me: “Steep? It’s just another word for brewing.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “It means ‘make tea’.”

    Customer: “Oooooh!”

    Wireless, Clueless, & Hopeless, Part 3

    | California, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [store], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello. I have a console that can connect to the internet and every time I try to connect it asks for a password. It didn’t used to do that. Is there any way I can create a password for it?”

    Me: “That’s odd. Did you get a new router for your internet connection?”

    Customer: “A what?”

    Me: “Do you have wireless internet in your house?”

    Customer: “I don’t have internet.”

    Me: “Sir, you are connecting to your neighbor’s internet. They didn’t like it so they put a password on their network so that you can’t connect to it.”

    Customer: “So can I set up a password and connect to it?”

    Related:
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless

    Elixirs Of Everlasting Life Are On Aisle 5

    | Evansville, IN, USA |

    (While ringing up a customer, the computer flags cold medicine and asks for age verification.)

    Me: “Sir, I need to verify your date of birth.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “You’re trying to buy medicine and I just need your date of birth to confirm you are over the age of 18.”

    Customer: “Oh. April 20th, 1420.”

    Me: “Sir, I really need your actual birth date to continue.”

    Customer: “4-20-1420. Put it in.”

    (I enter the date. The system accepts. I look in disbelief.)

    Customer: “Told you.”

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