You Got The Wrong(est) Audition

, | California, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

(I’m working a register as a odd looking man approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sexy, I have a complaint.”

(I just ignore the “sexy” part and move on.)

Me: “What’s the problem, sir?”

Customer: “That’s not your line! Do you want me in this f***ing porno or what?!”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Customer: “You aren’t the girl, are you?”

Me: “Um…I’m afraid not.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, then! Have a good day, miss! God bless you!”

Me: *speechless*

Related:
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 5
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 4
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
You Got The Wrong(est) Number

The Devil’s Logic

| Pune, India | At The Checkout

(I am a customer checking out at a famous Indian supermarket. To make things faster, I am putting the stuff from my cart onto the conveyor belt. Among my purchases is a pack of condoms.)

Customer behind me: “I can’t believe you are buying condoms! Don’t you know that sex is evil? Only the devil does it!”

(I am kind of taken aback, but I reply with an evil twinkle in my eye.)

Me: “Well, if sex is only for the devil and I don’t use condoms, then you’ll be seeing the devil’s kid next year!”

Customer behind me: *crosses himself and stares at me until I leave the store*

The Freudian Drive-thru

| Dallas, TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(This is an ice cream shop with a drive-thru.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Yeah, two burgers with bacon.”

Me: “Sir, we actually don’t have burgers…just ice cream.”

(Upon hearing this, the customer looks up to see the burger chain next door.)

Customer: “How did I end up in this line?!”

Keep That Mustache To Yourself

| Miramar Beach, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(I am a hostess at a rather upscale restaurant. A couple walks in and the man has a particularly impressive handlebar mustache. I usually chat with guests while I’m seating them.)

Me: “So, [server] is your server tonight. She’ll be taking great care of you.”

Customer: “Can [server] give us a good discount?”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sure if you take it up with her she’ll consider it. You might want to twist that ‘stache in a debonair fashion to convince her.”

Customer: “I can offer a mustache ride.”

Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

Girlfriend: “Thank you.”

A Warm And Full(filling) Night In

| Boston, MA, USA | Health & Body

(A man in his mid-30’s approaches the register. I notice that he looks a little grumpy about something.)

Me: “Hello!”

Customer: “Hi.”

(It is at this point that I notice that he only has two items to ring up: a 20oz bottle of soda and an enema.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer: “I’m holding an enema, what do you think?!”

Me: *speechless*

(I ring him up silently. Poor guy, I hope he feels better!)

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