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    Have No Internet, Use No Internet

    | North Carolina, USA |

    (We are technical support for a VoIP telephone company, which means they have to have broadband internet for their phone to work.)

    Customer: *on the phone* “Sales just sent me to you because I wasn’t sure if what I have is internet.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, I can help you determine that. Who is your service through?”

    Customer: *names phone company that provides DSL* “It’s so when people call me, they can leave a message.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, that would be your answering service. Internet would be another feature you pay $30 to $60 a month for, and they would send you a small box that hooks to your computer.”

    Customer: “Computers are evil. I bought one and got rid of it the next day!”

    Me: “Our phone service is not going to be right for you, sir. If you’d like we could help you find internet, but without a computer you would be paying only to sustain the phone.”

    Customer: “I don’t want no evil internet! Goodbye!” *hangs up*

    Clucks Can Be Deceiving

    | Ohio, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I just ordered sweet and sour chicken from your establishment, and one of my pieces of chicken is shaped like a fish.”

    Me: “Well, the chicken is in all different shapes, ma’am.”

    Customer: “So it’s not fish? It’s still chicken?”

    Me: “Uh, yes.”

    Customer: “Oh, OK!”

    In Search Of Mrs. Ripley’s Believe-It-Or-Not

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, how are you doing tonight?”

    (The customer says nothing for a few moments while blatantly staring at me.)

    Customer: “…you have two air holes.”

    Me: “…excuse me?”

    Customer: “You only have two air holes!”

    Me: “Well, yes. Two NOSTRILS, you mean.”

    Customer: *continues to stare intently at me*

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “You should have three. I have been looking all my life for someone with three nostrils, but I still haven’t found her!”

    Me: “Oh…really.”

    Customer: “Yeah! I’ve traveled the world, but no luck.”

    Me: *accepts his money and bags the item* “Well, you have fun with that!”

    Always Right, Even When Shooting Down A Helicopter

    | Finland | Top

    (At the golf course where I work, it’s been a very a hot day and an older man unfortunately has a stroke/heart attack in the middle of the range. The course is at a remote location, so a medical helicopter is called in and lands in the middle of the range. Another golfer comes over, obviously upset.)

    Golfer: “It’s my tee! I want to take my shot but the helicopter is blocking it.”

    Me: “Sir, there’s a medical emergency on the range so you’ll have to wait for a little while.”

    Golfer: “But it’s my shot! I pay good money to play here and it’s my shot!”

    Me: “Sir, someone may be dying over there. Please have some patience. It shouldn’t take long until they lift off.”

    Golfer: “If they get hit, it’s their own fault.”

    (The man then pulls a club out and before I can stop him, he swings and hits the helicopter.)

    Me: “Sir! For God’s sake, stop!”

    Golfer: “It’s my tee! They can just blame themselves for being in the way. I don’t have time for this!”

    (I ended up reporting him to the caddie master and range supervisors. His license was revoked and was banned from playing there ever again. Thankfully, the helicopter was not damaged and the patient was saved.)

    Related:
    Pinheaded, Part 2

    Coming Soon: Backup Singer Hero

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I’m shopping in a video game store, and an older, overweight, bald man comes into the store alone and proceeds to ask the greatest question I have ever heard.)

    Customer: “Do you have the singing game that lets YOU be the star?”


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