No Bar And No Bite

| Portsmouth, NH, USA | Liars & Scammers

(A customer is trying to return an opened CD. This is against store policy, which is clearly stated on a poster in the store and is printed on every receipt. While discussing this with the customer, I notice a name tag from a local pet store on his shirt.)

Customer: “You have to give me a refund! I’m a lawyer and I know my rights!”

Me: *giggles*

Customer: “What’s so funny? I will sue you and I will sue this whole company! Give me my refund!”

Me: “You’re a lawyer?”

Customer: “Of course! Are you calling me a liar? I’ll sue you!”

Me: “So, do you work at [pet store] between cases or is that just a fashion statement?” *points to the name tag*

Customer: “Uh…well…you see…”

Me: “Isn’t it illegal to impersonate a lawyer?”

Customer: “Never mind!”

(The ‘lawyer’ grabs the CD and walks out of the store with his head hanging.)

Your Brain’s The Smaller One

| Attleboro, MA, USA | Movies & TV

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like a medium popcorn, please.”

Me: “Did you want to make that medium popcorn a large for seventy five cents more?” *I hold up both the medium and large bags*

Customer: “Which one is the large one?”

Me: “I’m…sorry?”

Customer: “Is it the smaller bag?”

Honest Heisters

| Dublin, Ireland | Criminal/Illegal

Me: “Hi. We are calling from [company]. Would you have some time to take part in a survey about Ireland?”

Customer: “No, I can’t take part. I’m just a burglar here.”

Me: “Oh, okay…we will try again some time.”

DIY: Dental It Yourself

, | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Health & Body

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need a very fine grit sandpaper.”

Me: “Here you go.”

Customer: “Thanks! This will be perfect for my teeth!”

Bigot Bait

| Burleson, TX, USA | Top

(I am helping a customer when a red-faced older man walks up and slaps the counter.)

Customer: “Why does [store] have illegals working here?! This is America!”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure what you’re talking about. If you can just calm down–”

Customer: “Don’t you tell me to calm down! I fought for this country! I didn’t fight so that a bunch Mexicans could take over our country. You need to have someone here who speaks English in [department]!”

Me: “Sir, your language and comments are offensive to me, and I would like you to not speak to me again. I will be happy to get a manager for you, though.”

Customer: “F***ing Mexican lover!”

Customer, to his companion: “Let’s get out of here! Now!”

(I walk over to the department he was referencing. However, the only person there is a customer who just happens to be wearing something similar to our uniform. She smiles at me and says, in perfect English, “I really pissed him off, didn’t I?”)

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