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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Pray It’s Not Sold Out At Times Square

    | Toronto, Canada |

    Customer: “Two senior tickets for [film].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we’re no longer playing that film.”

    Customer: “What? But you were playing it yesterday!”

    Me: “Well, we usually get new movies on Friday.”

    Customer: “My friend looked online and it said it was playing here.”

    Me: “What website did you friend go to? Did it say the film would be playing here on Friday? Sometimes the websites get the movie listings wrong.”

    Customer: “This is outrageous! I’m a native New Yorker and if this was New York, you’d be shot!”

    Reading Empty Minds

    | West Midlands, UK | Top

    (Our library helps a lot of people finish off the crossword puzzles from their newspapers. I’d helped one man find the answer to a very difficult one earlier in the day. I overhear a lady asking her about the same crossword to my colleague.

    Me: “Excuse me, the answer is ‘Salome’.”

    Colleague: “Thanks, that fits perfectly.”

    Customer: “But…no, how can she know? She wasn’t even here!”

    Me “I overheard you from-”

    Customer: “No! You read my mind didn’t you! That’s wonderful, do it again! What am I thinking about now?”

    (She looks around the library. I notice her eyes linger on a Superman poster.)

    Me: “Um…Superman?”

    Customer: “F***!”

    Colleague: “Ma’am, please don’t curse in the library.”

    Customer:: “Oh, sorry.” *to me* “Did you hear me swear in my thoughts? Is that how you knew?”

    Me: “No, you just shouted it.”

    Customer: “Oh. That’s a shame.”

    Minor Dramas Are Major For Minors

    , | Indianapolis, IN, USA |

    (The customer rips the lid off of the shake I just hand her and frowns.)

    Customer: “What is this?”

    Me: “That’s a vanilla shake.”

    Customer: “No it isn’t. I want a vanilla shake.”

    Me: “Well, I made it myself so I promise you it’s vanilla. Would you like me to remake it?”

    Customer: “No, I just want a vanilla shake! This doesn’t look like vanilla at all. It’s all yellow.”

    Me: “Ah, the vanilla syrup gives the shake a yellow tinge. It’s
    supposed to look like that.”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s not ME you have to convince, it’s the seven year-old in the car. He won’t be happy!”

    Sorry, This Store Is Full Of Yahoos

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Customer: “I called in here yesterday and put an item on hold. Do you have it?”

    Me: “Let me check, who put it on hold for you?”

    Customer: “Google.”

    Me: “Google?”

    Customer: “Yes, Google…or Nadia.”

    Me: “We don’t have a Nadia here, do you mean Natalie?”

    Customer: “No, his name was Nadia!”

    Me: “His name was Nadia?”

    Customer: “Yes…or Google.”

    No Fortitude For Longitude

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, hello. I ordered some shoes from your store and put it at a one day delivery. It said it was supposed to be delivered by 4:00 today, and it hasn’t been delivered yet.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir. Where are you calling from?”

    Customer: “Dallas.”

    Me: “Dallas, Texas sir?”

    Customer: “You know any other Dallas?”

    (I check the time and see that it’s 3:00)

    Me: “Sir, it’s only 3:00.”

    Customer: “Now listen here son, just because it’s three o’clock where you are doesn’t mean it’s the same time over here!”

    Me: “Sir, Dallas is in the same time zone as Chicago.”

    Customer: “Boy, do I need to get you a map? Dallas is a million miles from Chicago!”

    Related:
    No Aptitude For Latitude

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