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    The Beginnings Of A Three Hour Cruise

    | Baton Rouge, LA, USA |

    (A man in fishing boots has been standing at our bookstore’s help counter for fifteen minutes. Every time someone comes to ask for an item, the man interrupts me and “helps” the customer find whatever they are looking for.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, ma’am. I’m trying to find a cookbook with vegan recipes and I was wondering if you could give me some titles?”

    Me: “Well, we have several titles by Isa Chandra Moskowitz–”

    Fisherman: “Vegans? What the h*** are vegans?!”

    Me: “People who don’t eat any sort of animal product. Honey, gelatin, that sort of–”

    Fisherman: “D***ed intellectuals don’t know anything about eatin’! Vegans are those folks who go fishin’ by throwin’ a car battery over the side of the boat! I KNOW where THOSE books are, and I’LL SHOW YA!”

    (He grabs the customer by the hand and drags her off down an aisle. I didn’t see either of them again, which worries me to this day.)

    Ix Nay On The Eesh Squeesh

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA |

    Me: “Do you want anything else with your sandwich?”

    Customer: “Peppers, olives, and eesh squeesh.”

    Me: “…Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Peppers, olives, eesh squeesh.”

    Me: “Eesh squeesh? ”

    Customer: “Yeah, eesh squeesh. Right there.” *points at the onions*

    Me: “You mean onions?”

    Customer: “Yeah, eesh squeesh.”

    A Sticky Problem

    | United Kingdom |

    Caller: “I have been asked to send in documents to get this loan. I want to know if I can have it or not.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll go and find out for you…”

    (I pull up the caller’s account and look at the documents he sent in: the passport was hand drawn. It even had a stick man where the photo should be.)

    Me: “Sir your loan has been rejected due to your documents being…uh…tampered with.”

    Caller: *hangs up*

    Extreme Makeover: Criminal Edition

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Top

    (I work in a check-out lane at a grocery store. A boy who looks about 16 walks up to the check-out and puts a twelve pack of beer on the lane.)

    Me: “May I see your ID?”

    Customer: “Who do you think you are, a cop? No!”

    Me: “If you want to purchase these, I need to see your ID. You don’t exactly look over 21.”

    Customer: “Fine, b****!”

    (He then hands me his ID, which has a picture of an elderly man on it.)

    Me: “Sorry, you can’t buy these.”

    Customer: “What the h***! I just gave you my ID!”

    Me: “This ID belongs to an elderly man who has a gray mustache and beard.”

    Customer: “It’s called Botox and shaving.”

    When Water Wings Become Angel Wings

    | Aurora, CO, USA |

    (Our pool doesn’t allow children who are non-swimmers to be in the pool without their parent. A mom comes in and throws her child in the pool with water wings and goes to leave the pool.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you cannot let your child in the pool without you in there with him.”

    Customer: “Well, why?”

    Me: “It is unsafe for a non-swimmer to be in this deep of water alone.

    Customer: “He can swim just fine! I put his wings on.”

    Me: “It is possible for him to drown even with wings on.”

    Customer: “If he does, just call me and I will come swim with him!”

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