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    Faux-bi-Wan Kenobi

    | Wausau, WI, USA | Top

    (I am cleaning up at an office supplies store when a customer walks to the automatic door, about to leave the store.)

    Customer: *thrusts hand at door, palm out, as if he’s using
    ‘the Force’*
    “Whoosh!”

    (The door opens, and he looks back as he exits and sees me looking at him.)

    Customer: “Uh, I was just joking…”

    Me: “But that door wasn’t even on, sir!”

    Customer: *astonished* “Are you serious?”

    Me: “Nah, just kidding. Have a nice day, sir!”

    Menage A Fraud

    | North Carolina, USA |

    (I am filling out a fraudulent charge claim for a customer.)

    Customer: “There’s a charge on my statement for some medical thing and I never bought it.”

    (Note: the ‘medical thing’ is for ‘male enhancement’.)

    Me: “Okay, we can go ahead and file a fraud claim for you. So, just to verify, you never purchased anything from this company, correct?”

    Customer: “I never got anything from them!”

    Me: “Okay, so you purchased it, but you didn’t receive it?”

    Customer: “Well, it didn’t work! Not that I need it.”

    Me: “Okay, so you did receive it?”

    Customer: “No! I didn’t order it! I don’t need it! And it didn’t work!”

    Me: “Sir, you have to pick one. You didn’t order it, you didn’t receive it, or it didn’t work. But it has to be one; it can’t be all three.”

    Customer: “All of them!”

    Bird Brained, Part 5

    | Keene, NH, USA |

    Customer: “Your bird bit my kid.”

    Me: “Well, the birds can’t reach their beaks through the cages. Did your son have his finger in the cage?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Well, there’s nothing telling you not to.”

    Me: “Sometimes they get scared when you poke your fingers into their cages, and the only way they know how to tell you is to nip you.”

    Child: “Oh, okay. I bet he was just scared.”

    Customer: “You should put up some signs in here telling people your birds bite!”

    (I show the customer the signs posted on each and every bird cage asking customers not to poke fingers into the cages as the birds may bite, as well as the additional two on the doors entering the bird room.)

    Customer: “Well, that’s stupid! How do you know I can read?”

    Related:
    Bird Brained
    Bird Brained, Part 2
    Bird Brained, Part 3
    Bird Brained, Part 4

    Unraveling Incognito

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “This is [name of office]. How may I direct your call?”

    Customer: “Where are you calling from?”

    Me: “You’ve reached [name of office]. How may help you?”

    Customer: “Who is this?”

    Me: “My name is [name]. How may I assist you today?”

    Customer: “Why are you calling?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you called me.”

    Customer: “Yeah, somebody called me.”

    Me: “Alright, what is your name?”

    Customer: “That ain’t none of your business!”

    Me: “Ma’am, without your name, it is impossible for me to find out who called you.”

    Customer: “THEN I GUESS YOU’LL NEVER KNOW!” *hangs up*

    A Mother Who Will Never Be Out-Dated

    | Gunnison, CO, USA |

    (A middle-aged woman comes to the front desk of our hotel. Note that I am also a woman and my coworker is a man.)

    Customer: “Where are all the women at?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “The women! The good looking women!”

    Me: “I’m not sure I understand.”

    Customer: “My son just started college and he wants a woman. Where should I go to get him a woman?”

    Me: “I’m not interested in women, so I wouldn’t know.”

    Customer, to coworker: “You! Hey, you. Where should I go to get ladies?”

    Coworker: “Has he tried the college campus?”

    Customer: “They’re all ugly. I want to get my son a hot chick!”

    Coworker: “Okay, this is a small town. He should look around. A bar?”

    Customer: “He’s not 21.”

    Me: “The grocery store? I don’t know.”

    Customer: “But where would you go?”

    Me: “Ask at the visitors’ center. Have a good day!”

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