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  • It’s Not Just The Bread That’s Thick

    | Madison, WI, USA | Food & Drink

    Customer: “How thick do you slice my bread?”

    Me: “It depends how thick you’d like it. We have both a thin and thick slicer.” *gestures to show each thickness*

    Customer: “Are you sure that’s as thick as you slice the bread? Show me a thick slice. Maybe you got it wrong.”

    Me: “Okay, one moment.” *gets a thick slice of bread*

    Customer: “That’s it? THAT’S your thick slice? You didn’t grab the thin by mistake?”

    Me: “No, sir, I made sure to get a thick slice. I don’t have to slice it if you’d rather do it yourself.”

    Customer: “No! I shouldn’t have to slice it myself to make it filling! You should change your bread. I’m used to good, thick European bread. You shouldn’t even be called a bakery, you don’t make real bread!”

    Me: “Sorry, I don’t actually make the bread. I just sell it.”

    Customer: “Oh, and I suppose you didn’t name the company either?”

    Me: “No, I didn’t.”

    Customer: “DON’T GET SMART WITH ME!”

    Gift Barred

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (A guest orders her ticket and pulls out her wallet.)

    Customer: “Oh, I have a gift card!”

    (The guest holds out white plastic card with our logo on it.)

    Me: “This is an employee swipe card. We use them for signing in and out at the beginning and end of a shift.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Me: “Where did you get this?”

    Customer: “I found it.”

    (The guest is about to return the card to her wallet.)

    Me: “I’m going to need to hold on to that…”

    It’s Difficult To Make It Any Simpler

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    Me: “Hi, this is *** how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I just bought a Xbox 360 and it doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Could you describe the problem ma’am?”

    Caller: “It won’t turn on. I took it out of the box and it won’t turn on.”

    Me: “Are all the cables plugged into the system TV and wall outlet?”

    Caller: “I have to plug it in?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. It will not work unless it is plugged in.”

    Caller: “How do I do that?”

    (I go through the steps of connecting the AV cables and the power plug.)

    Caller:  “It still won’t turn on.”

    Me: “Did you push the power button?”

    Caller: “What’s that?”

    Me: “The big round button on the front of the console.”

    Caller: “I don’t know why you make these machines so difficult to use!” *hangs up*

    Pray It’s Not Sold Out At Times Square

    | Toronto, Canada |

    Customer: “Two senior tickets for [film].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we’re no longer playing that film.”

    Customer: “What? But you were playing it yesterday!”

    Me: “Well, we usually get new movies on Friday.”

    Customer: “My friend looked online and it said it was playing here.”

    Me: “What website did you friend go to? Did it say the film would be playing here on Friday? Sometimes the websites get the movie listings wrong.”

    Customer: “This is outrageous! I’m a native New Yorker and if this was New York, you’d be shot!”

    Reading Empty Minds

    | West Midlands, UK | Top

    (Our library helps a lot of people finish off the crossword puzzles from their newspapers. I’d helped one man find the answer to a very difficult one earlier in the day. I overhear a lady asking her about the same crossword to my colleague.

    Me: “Excuse me, the answer is ‘Salome’.”

    Colleague: “Thanks, that fits perfectly.”

    Customer: “But…no, how can she know? She wasn’t even here!”

    Me “I overheard you from-”

    Customer: “No! You read my mind didn’t you! That’s wonderful, do it again! What am I thinking about now?”

    (She looks around the library. I notice her eyes linger on a Superman poster.)

    Me: “Um…Superman?”

    Customer: “F***!”

    Colleague: “Ma’am, please don’t curse in the library.”

    Customer:: “Oh, sorry.” *to me* “Did you hear me swear in my thoughts? Is that how you knew?”

    Me: “No, you just shouted it.”

    Customer: “Oh. That’s a shame.”

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