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    Now Accepting Cash, Checks And Cheez-Its

    | Massachusetts, USA | Top

    (The cafe owners often bring their little one-year old girl with them, who sometimes plays with the register while standing on a crate. One day while I’m working on something else a few feet away, she’s doing this as a customer approaches.)

    Customer: “I’d like to order a sandwich to go.”

    Me: “Sure, I’ll be there in one minute. Let me just wash my hands.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but she can take my order now!” *points to the little girl*

    Me: “She’s just playing. She can’t actually ring you up.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “She’s one.”

    Customer: *heavy sigh*

    Toddler: “Cheese?”

    Now Accepting Cash, Checks, And Fingerpaint

    The Cake Is A Lie

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    Me: “Okay, would you like the cake to say anything?”

    Customer: “Like what?”

    Me: “Happy Birthday? Happy Tenth Birthday?”

    Customer: “Oh! Well, if you could teach it to sing ‘Happy Birthday,’ that would be great!”

    (I think the customer is joking, so I write “Happy Birthday” on the cake as usual. Later on, the customer calls in complaining that his cake didn’t sing when the candles were lit!)

    Taxing Faxing, Part 3

    | Michigan, USA |

    Me: “This is [office]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I was checking to see if you have received my fax.”

    Me: “I am sorry, that has not been received.”

    (I verify the fax number.)

    Caller: “Well, I wrote on the cover letter to call me if you didn’t receive it. Why didn’t you call me?”

    Taxing Faxing, Part 2
    Taxing Faxing

    One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Half-Measure

    | Grand Rapids, MI, USA |

    (I’ve finished ringing up a customer with a cart full of booze and cigarettes.)

    Me: “Your total today is $498.34.”

    (The customer pulls out a check that has been taped together, having obviously been ripped in half at some point. It even has VOID written on it. He proceeds to scratch out the information on the check and write in our store name and the amount).

    Me: “You know I can’t take that check, right?”

    Customer: “This is my check, and you take checks for payment. You are going to take this d*** check!”

    (The customer gives me the check.)

    Me: “I can’t approve this. Let me get my manager.”

    (I go and get my manager.)

    Manager: “Can I see your driver’s license, please?”

    Customer: “Whatever. Here.”

    Manager: “I need to make a copy of this, just a minute.”

    (The name on the check and the driver’s license don’t match, so the manager returns with security.)

    Manager: “If you would come with me to our office, the police will be here soon.”

    Customer: “It’s my d*** check! I found it in the trash!”

    Moms: Gotta Love ‘Em, Part 2

    | Moscow, ID, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I direct your call?”

    Customer: “Can you tell me if you have a product in your store? I have a code from an old receipt.”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I pull up my terminal and she gives me the number. The screen gives me information for a very specific brand of condom.)

    Me: “Yes, we have six in stock.”

    Customer: “Wait, you have some? Last time I was in you were out. I need that specific product. See, I have this deal with my son. I buy him condoms and he doesn’t provide me with grandbabies.”

    Me: “That’s nice.”

    Customer: “Can I buy those condoms over the phone and have them sent to my son? I don’t want grandbabies until he’s out of grad school, and he’s on the east coast.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You can buy them online and have them shipped to a store near him.”

    Customer: “Well, he doesn’t have a car. Can they be shipped to his house from your store?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but no. You could come in and buy them and ship to him yourself?”

    Customer: “I guess I’ll have to do that. But knowing my luck, I’d run into everyone I knew while I was there. Thanks!”

    Moms: Gotta Love ‘Em

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