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    Viva(cious), Las Vegas

    , | Houston, TX, USA |

    (I work in a guitar shop that caters to vintage and collectible guitars. A man comes in with three guitars claiming they are all either rare or owned by famous musicians.)

    Customer: “This guitar was owned by John Lennon and used on his last album!”

    Me: “Which one?”

    Customer: “The one he made in ’85.”

    Me: “Lennon died before then. What else you got?”

    Customer: “Well, this one was played by Elvis!”

    (This seems almost plausible. The guitar is of a vintage that I knew could have been from that era.)

    Me: “Well, let me run the serial number…” *I run the serial* “Sir, this guitar was made in 1987.”

    Customer: “BUT ELVIS PLAYED IT!”

    Me: “How did a dead man play it?”

    Customer: “What? Elvis isn’t dead! I bought it from him in Las Vegas!”

    Til DNA Test Do Us Part

    | Peoria, IL, USA |

    (My office offers a class required by the state for divorcing couples with kids under 18.)

    Me: “And how many children under the age of 18 do you currently support?”

    Customer: “See, that’s where I’m confused.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m pregnant, but we don’t have any other kids.”

    Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll just write down one for our records.”

    Customer: “Okay, does my husband have to take the class too?”

    Me: “Yes, both parties are required to take the class.”

    Customer: “…even if I’m not sure if it’s his kid?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Comically Bad Timing

    | Prince Edward Island, Canada |

    Me: “Hi, How are you?”

    Customer: “Good, how are you?”

    Me: “I’m good. Do you have an Air miles card?”

    Customer: “Yes, Yes I do.”

    (He hands me a card that is well-worn and falling apart.)

    Customer: “It’s really old, but it still works well. My god does it ever work well.” *creepy look*

    (The customer pays and leaves, all the while staring at me very creepily. About two minutes later, he comes back into the store, returns to my line, looks at me right in the eye, and says…)

    Customer: “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”

    They Do Have A Point

    | Durham, NC, USA |

    Customer: “I want two tickets to Precious.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, that doesn’t come out in this state until the 20th. It only opened limited in a few states today, but no theater in North Carolina will get it until November 20th.”

    Customer: “I looked on the website! It said you had it!”

    Me: “Please come inside to the customer service counter.”

    (I pull up our website and the Precious movie website.)

    Me: “See, both sites say that it doesn’t open here until the 20th. Sorry about the mix up.”

    Customer: “But Oprah said it would be playing!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but Oprah has no control over our movie schedules.”

    Customer: “Oprah controls EVERYTHING!”

    Music To My Wax-Clogged Ears

    , | Lewisville, TX, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, [music store].”

    Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for sheet music to a song called ‘Beautiful Star of Bethlehem’.”

    Me: “I don’t think we have it in stock, but we might be able to order it for you. ”

    Caller: “Can you deliver it to me?”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t offer that service. How about I give you a website to go to? You can probably order it from them and have it shipped to your home?”

    Caller: “Okay, what’s the website?”

    Me: “Sheetmusicplus.com.”

    Caller: “Sheetmusic.com?”

    Me: “No, Sheetmusicplus.com.”

    Caller: “Oh, Sheetmusic.com?”

    Me: “No, SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. Sheetmusic.com.”

    Me: “No. SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

    Caller: “How do you spell that?”

    Me: *I spell it out*

    Caller: “P-O-U-S?”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “Oh, P-O-U-S?”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

    Me: “No. L as in Larry.”

    Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “How do you spell ‘com’?”

    Me: “C-O-M.”

    Caller: “C-L-N?”

    Me: “No, C-O-M.”

    Caller: “Okay, Sheetmusic.com. Thank you very much! Goodbye!” *hangs up*

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