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  • Never Too Late (Or Early) To Apologize
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    Ghost Ship

    | USA |

    (Sadly, my the sailing instructor died 4 days ago.)

    Caller: “Hi, I’m calling about the sailing lessons.”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry, but I can’t help you with that.”

    Caller: “Oh, please, I really want sailing lessons, I saw them on the website with [sailing instructor] and I want to learn how to sail!”

    Me: “I’m sorry but [sailing instructor] just died.”

    Caller: “Oh, so he won’t be doing any more sailing lessons, then?”

    A Gold Medal For Meddling With Time

    | Vancouver, Canada |

    (I work for a network that is hosting the 2010 Olympic games. The network is selling a DVD pack of Olympic highlights that people can order now, and will be sent to them when the Olympics have finished.)

    Me: “Hello and thanks for calling. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I saw the ad on TV about the Olympic DVD pack you’re selling, and I’d like to order one. I was wondering if I could get them shipped to me by Friday. My son’s birthday is on Saturday.”

    Me: “Sir, the Olympics don’t end until Sunday.”

    Caller: “So, what’s the problem?”

    Me: “You’re asking to have them shipped to you two days before the Olympics end. And even after the Olympics are over, I’m sure it’s going to take some time to get all of the packages made and shipped.”

    Caller: “So you can’t have them here by Friday?”

    Me: “Sir, there is no way to get them to you by Friday because the Olympics don’t end until Sunday.”

    Caller: “That’s ridiculous! Now what are we supposed to get Johnny? Isn’t there any way they can get all the Olympics done before Friday?”

    Perhaps It’s Because You Drive A Hummmvee

    | New York, USA |

    (I have a sticker on my car that reads “Caution: Driver Singing”. I pulled up into work when a customer tapped me on the shoulder.)

    Customer: “Hey.”

    Me: “Um, hi?”

    Customer: “I thought so! You’re that girl with the singing bumper sticker, aren’t you?”

    Me: “Oh! Yes, I am.”

    Customer: “I passed you in the parking lot at yesterday. You weren’t singing.”

    Me: “Oh, well, I’ve had a sore throat.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “You should always be singing, you know.”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “In a car like that, you should always be singing so your sticker doesn’t lie!”

    Me: “Well, the other day when you passed me? I was humming.”

    Customer: *perfectly happy again* “Oh, really? Well, that’s alright then!”

    Pulling A Not So Fast One

    | Oakland, CA, USA |

    (In California, we have laws that ban certain animals as being pets. Our shop is legally required to notify police when one comes in.)

    Customer: “My poor ferret is sick!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, what is your name?”

    (The woman tells me her name.)

    Me: “I’m sorry for the trouble, but you can’t own a ferret in this state. I’m going to have to report you.”

    Customer: “What? You can’t tell me that I can’t have a pet!”

    Me: “Ma’am, ferrets are illegal in California by state law. They’re still considered a threat to local birds.”

    Customer: “Fine!”

    (She walks out and comes back in less than 5 minutes later.)

    Customer: “I have a bunny who isn’t feeling well.”

    My Razor Valentine

    | Durham, NC, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, are you the manager? I want my money back. That movie is absolutely horrible.”

    Me: “Oh, what was wrong with it?”

    Customer: “Well, the title is very misleading. I thought Valentine’s Day was supposed to be funny, and it’s actually a creepy, disturbing movie about insane people!”

    Me: “Um, did you maybe go into the wrong theater? It sounds like you’re describing Shutter Island.”

    Customer: “Oh, that might be what happened, actually. Who is that guy in it, the main guy?”

    Me: “You mean Leonardo DiCaprio?”

    Customer: “Oh, I love him! I’m gonna go finish the rest of that movie now.”

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