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    Stupidity You Can Bank On

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    Me: “Hello, this is [Bank] how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I deposited money through your ATM machine yesterday and it still isn’t showing up in my account.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, can I just get the card number from the ATM card that you used to make the deposit.”

    Customer: “I didn’t use a card.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I might have misunderstood. Did you make your deposit into the ATM or the night drop box?”

    Customer: “No, I put it into your machine but I didn’t use a card. I didn’t need one.”

    Me: “Sir, I still don’t understand how you could have made your deposit into the ATM without using a card. Could you please describe the steps you went through?”

    Customer: “I drove up to the machine, filled out an envelope and stuffed it into the little door that said deposit but I didn’t use no card.”

    Me: “Sir, the deposit door on the machine will not open without a card. How exactly did you put the envelope in?”

    Customer: “Whoever designed those machines is a freaking moron. I couldn’t figure out how to open the little door so I got my pocket knife out and pried the door open. Then I stuffed the envelope with my deposit in there as best I could and drove away!”

    Power Struggle

    | South Carolina, USA |

    (A customer calls in complaining how his service is out.)

    Me: “Are there lights on your modem?

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Can you check to see if the power cable is plugged in, or the power turned on?”

    Caller: “I am standing knee-deep in water and you want me to check for a power cable?!”

    (It turns out he had been calling from an area that had been hit by a hurricane.)

    Bus(ted)

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (A woman enters the bus with her son.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Your son didn’t pay the fare.”

    Customer: “But children are free!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Children’s fare is currently at seventy-five cents.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not paying that! It’s free!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you’ve been misinformed. Children still have to pay a fare to ride the bus.”

    Customer: “No they don’t! You’re just trying to scam me!”

    Me: “The fare box is locked, and is only accessed at the end of my shift, when I’m long gone.”

    Customer: *pointing to the fare box* “You’re lying! This thing opens right up!”

    Me: “If you can open it, your son can ride free.”

    (The customer proceeds to struggle with the box for some minutes.)

    Customer: “Seventy five cents, you said?”

    Obviously Dog People

    | New Jersey, USA |

    (I’m partway through a phone conversation with a client.)

    Me: “Okay, and how many people live in your house?”

    Client: “Me, my wife, and our two dogs.

    Me: *laughs* “Alright then, sir, so it’s two people, yes?”

    Client: “…and my two dogs.”

    How About Some Dessert Instead

    | Ireland |

    (I have a table of four foreign business-men. One of them looks very sad.)

    Sad customer: “And also, you bring me tea because this country is very cold and I am sick.”

    Me: “I’m sorry you’re not well. Of course I’ll bring you some tea.”

    Sad customer: “…and then you marry me, because no-one will marry me.”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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