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    Not Enough Oxygen In The Brain

    | Buffalo, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hello. You’ve reached [company]. How may we help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I recently purchased a carbon-monoxide detector thingies from here, and I was just wondering what to do if it goes off?”

    Me: “Well, you would have to call emergency services and leave your house immediately.”

    Customer: “Okay.” *long pause* “Could you hang up please? My phone broke and won’t let me end conversations but I have to call 911.”

    Me: “Wait. Your alarm is going off? Ma’am, that’s dangerous! Get out of your house now!”

    Customer: “Oh, I threw it in the garbage disposal, it’s okay.”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “Hey, like I said before, could you hang up?”

    Copyright Meets Copywrong, Part 2

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (I am creating a business card for a customer. She hands me a picture to scan to use on the card.)

    Me: “Ma’am, this photo is copyrighted by whoever took it.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s okay. You can still use it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t use it without the permission of the photographer.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well you can just cross out the copyright on the back of the picture and then use it! It’ll be okay.”

    Me: “Do you have another picture you would like to use?”

    (She hands me the same picture but with a piece of paper taped over the copyright on the back.)

    Customer: “Here. Now you can use it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, just because the copyright is covered now doesn’t mean it’s not copyrighted anymore. We could be fined $50,000 if we used this. If you can get the permission of the person who took this or another picture we can do this for you.”

    Customer: “What kind of business is this?”

    Related:
    Copyright Meets Copywrong

    Get A (Second) Life

    | Waterford, Ireland |

    Customer: “How long will the internet house move take?”

    Me: “7-10 working days.”

    Customer: “Are you serious? What about my Farmville?”

    Me: “Sorry, but that’s how long it takes.”

    Customer: “But my crops will wither and die!”

    Pissy Comitatus

    | Mansfield, OH, USA |

    (While waiting for his appointment, a client abruptly gets up and leaves. When he returns, he is furious.)

    Client: “Why do you lock people out of your bathrooms?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We have a key here. I’m happy to give it to you. The building keeps the restrooms locked so that people can’t walk in off the street and use them.”

    Client: “Well, what good does that do me now? I thought I wasn’t allowed in, so I had to pee in the parking lot.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you peed in the parking lot?”

    Client: “You people left me no choice!”

    Make A Pesto Oneself

    | Italy | Top

    (I am a 17 year old girl working at a pizzeria. A tourist who looks about forty approaches me, looking angry.)

    Tourist: “How dare you sell this food in an Italian restaurant!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not entirely sure what you mean.”

    Tourist: “This food! Don’t you know that pizza and ice cream are American? How dare you take credit for what we have done! This is ridiculous! I am going to sue you!”

    Me: “Sir, that really isn’t necessary. I–”

    Tourist: “Don’t you take that tone with me! Stop sounding all professional! It’s annoying!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, you-”

    Tourist: “Shut up! This food is American! How dare you be so racist against Americans!

    Me: “Sir, I am originally American, so why would I–”

    Tourist: “This food is American!”

    Me: “Sir, I–”

    Tourist: “American!”

    Me: “Ask anyone anywhere. Look it up on the Internet, even. I assure you that all this food is Italian.”

    Tourist: “The customer is always right!” *storms off*

    (I continue to serve customers. 25 minutes later he comes in again.)

    Tourist: “Yeah, so I looked it up. Turns out it was Italian. Uh, so can I have your number?”

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