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    You Can’t Scam Your Cake And Eat It Too

    | Oshawa, ON, Canada |

    Me: “So, can I get you anything else?”

    Customer: “No, I’d like to make a complaint. The chicken was dirty. You didn’t wash it off before cooking it. Could you take it off my bill?”

    Me: “But you still ate it?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “You would get a discount if you sent it back, but you ate it.”

    Customer: “Can I speak to your manager?”

    (The manager comes out and they talk for a moment.)

    Manager: “Alright, so I’ll just bring you your bill then.”

    Customer: “But my friend told me if I complained, I’d get my meal free.”

    Manager: “You ate the meal, so you don’t get a discount.”

    Customer: “I didn’t bring any money, because I thought I wouldn’t have to pay!”

    You’re Not On Candid Camera

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: “That will be 23.75.”

    Customer: “Hey, weren’t you that guy from Romeo and Juliet?”

    Me: “Yes, I was. Did you see the performance?”

    Customer: “I did, but why are you working here?”

    Me: “Oh, I do this to get some work while I’m not acting.”

    Customer: “Oh, no!”

    Me: “What’s wrong?”

    Customer: “This is one of those joke shows isn’t it? I’m on camera!”

    Me: *laughs* “No, it isn’t. Don’t worry, actors just need more than one source of income sometimes.”

    Customer: “Quick! Is a man gonna jump out of my food bag or something and scare me?”

    Me: “Um, no. Don’t worry, I’m just working here part time.”

    (She looks through her shopping bag.)

    Customer: *turns to the person behind her* “I’m famous! I knew I was on camera look!”

    (She pulls out a snow globe from her shopping bag.)

    Customer: “You were gonna get me with this, weren’t you? Trying to act like you could see the future! It’s okay, dear. You can stop being in character now. You can come out now, camera crew!”

    Me: *playing along* “Well you got us, ma’am. I have to say, nothing escapes you!”

    (I turn to a camera that isn’t there.)

    Me: “Follow us next week when we try to pull a gag on a petrol station customer! That’s a wrap. Thanks for playing, miss!”

    (The customer happily pays and leaves.)

    In That Case, I’d Like To Buy A Vowel

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (A customer is doing a large cash withdrawal at our credit union.)

    Me: “Would you like large bills today?”

    Customer: “Yes. Can I get one thousand dollar bills?”

    Me: “The largest bill the fed currently makes is a one hundred dollar bill.”

    Customer: “Well, they have them on game shows on TV!”

    Pissed Off (And On)

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (I work as a plumber for a 5-star hotel. One day, I get a call from a guest with a clogged toilet.)

    Me: “Ah, okay…there’s probably a bunch of hair clogged deep down in these pipes.”

    Customer: “Well, can you get it out?”

    Me: “Yep. One sec.”

    (As I reach my hand down deep in the pipes with a rooter, I don’t notice the hotel guest turn on the water. It’s separately linked, and the water won’t activate unless flushed.)

    Me: “Okay, let me see if I got it…”

    (I try to pull up, but my hand gets stuck.)

    Customer: “You got it?! Oh, finally! I’m going to test it out, thanks!”

    Me: “No, sir, I haven’t linked the pipes back toge–”

    (The customer sits down and immediately lets out a thundering fart along with a large dump of diarrhea, simultaneously flushing. My head and the entire floor are soon covered with turd and piss.)

    Customer: “Oh my…well, I expect THIS to be complimentary!”

    Now Accepting Cash, Checks And Cheez-Its

    | Massachusetts, USA | Top

    (The cafe owners often bring their little one-year old girl with them, who sometimes plays with the register while standing on a crate. One day while I’m working on something else a few feet away, she’s doing this as a customer approaches.)

    Customer: “I’d like to order a sandwich to go.”

    Me: “Sure, I’ll be there in one minute. Let me just wash my hands.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but she can take my order now!” *points to the little girl*

    Me: “She’s just playing. She can’t actually ring you up.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “She’s one.”

    Customer: *heavy sigh*

    Toddler: “Cheese?”

    Related:
    Now Accepting Cash, Checks, And Fingerpaint

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