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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Compared To Some Customers, Yes

    | O'Fallon, MI, USA |

    (A customer is using the self checkout. Her total is $1.52.)

    Customer: “I still owe 52 cents, but all I have is a $10 bill.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I put a dollar bill in, but I still owe 52 cents and all I have is a $10 bill.”

    Me: “That’s fine. You can just put the ten in and it will give you the difference back.”

    Customer: “Really? The machine is that smart?”

    Not A Fan Of Spin Doctors

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (I work the front desk at a doctor’s office, and one of the doctors fancies himself a musician. We give out a free copy of his CD when patients check in.)

    Patient: “What is this?”

    Me: “Dr. *** is a musician and he recorded an album. We’re giving it as a free gift to our patients.”

    Patient: “It’s free?”

    Me: “Yes, sir!”

    Patient: “But there’s a price on the back. It says $5.99.”

    Me: “That’s because it is also sold in a few local music
    stores. But we’re giving it free to patients as a thank you gift.”

    Patient: “What are you thanking me for?”

    Me: “For being a loyal patient?”

    Patient: “And all patients get them?”

    Me: “Yes. all patients.”

    (The patient looks around the room at the other two patients.)

    Patient: “They don’t have CDs!”

    Me: “They haven’t checked in yet. When they do, I’ll give them a CD.”

    (The patient sits down, but comes back up while I’m helping the next patient. I haven’t given her the CD yet.)

    Patient, to other patient: “Did you get a free CD?”

    Other patient: “Uh…no.”

    Patient, to me: “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but you clearly gave this to me because you have feelings for me, and I’m just not interested. I think it’s really inappropriate for you to come on to me when I’m here to see the doctor, and you’ve made me very uncomfortable. Please cancel my appointment.”

    (I should mention that this guy was clearly out of my age and weight range. That, and I work for a proctologist.)

    No Wonder He’s Always Stuffed

    | Watertown, NY, USA |

    (Seated at one of my tables is a grown woman. Placed across from her is a stuffed animal.)

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant]. Can I start you off with a drink?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a diet coke.”

    Me: “Okay, one diet–”

    Customer: *gestures to stuffed animal* “…and he’ll have
    our house wine.”

    Me: *laughs, playing along* “He doesn’t look over 21, ma’am.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “Oh, you’re right. He’ll just have a lemonade, then.”

    For (Not) Cryin’ Out Loud

    | Guam |

    Customer: “How much is that bracelet in the display case?”

    Me: “It’s $50.”

    Customer: “Wow, that’s expensive, but it’s nice. I’ll take it.”

    Me: “Okay, so your total is $50. We’re out of the store’s jewelry boxes, but I’d be happy to give you a gift bag for the bracelet.”

    Customer: “But you have some nice boxes here on the counter, and the bracelets in them are cheaper than the one I’m buying. Why don’t the more expensive bracelets come in a box?”

    Customer’s son: *looking embarrassed* “Mom, she doesn’t decide the prices.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Maybe there’s a wristwatch box that I can put this in.”

    (I get a box from the watch department and show it to the customer.)

    Me: “Is this box ok?”

    Customer: “This box…” *points to the jewelry boxes on the counter* “…is so much nicer. Can’t you take the bracelet out of the box and switch it with this one?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, those bracelets are attached to the boxes.”

    Customer’s son: “Mom, just take the watch box.”

    Customer: “Can you at least switch the price tags?”

    Customer’s son: *looks at her mom incredulously*

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t do that.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll take it anyway, but I’ll have you know that I’m crying inside!”

    (Please Go) Back To The Future

    | Oxford, UK | Tourists/Travel

    (I work in a small store in Oxford when a busload of tourists comes in to buy large quantities of sweets.)

    Tourist: “We’re stocking up. We’re going to Stratford-on-Avon to see Shakespeare’s house.”

    Me: “Okay, but why don’t you just buy it when you get there?”

    (Several tourists stop what they are doing.)

    Tourist: “They sell candy in the 16th century?”

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