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    See No Evil, Grope No Evil

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    (One of the regular customers at our hardware store is an elderly man named Ernie. Ernie usually came in just after the store opened and there weren’t many customers, so I’d grab a couple lawn chairs off the shelf and sit out front with him, drinking coffee. Sometimes he’d make fun of my long hair by calling me ‘Missy’ or try to offer me a job as a secretary at his company as a joke, but I shrugged it off. One afternoon, Ernie’s wife comes into the store and encounters the owner. Note: I’m a man.)

    Wife: “I’m supposed to drop off these measurements to Jamie for the new kitchen floor they talked about this morning.”

    Owner: “You mean Jimmy? He’s the one that talked to Ernie this morning.”

    Wife: “I might have the name wrong. My husband said she’s a cute little brunette that wears glasses.”

    Owner: “We haven’t had any women working today, Ma’am.”

    (I walk out of the back room at this point. Ernie’s wife looks over in my direction, squints a little, and hands the piece of paper to me.)

    Wife: “I guess my husband’s vision isn’t what it used to be, sonny.”

    Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

    Wife: “His hearing is gone too! Don’t worry, sonny. He won’t be trying to play grab-a** with you any more!”

    (Ernie didn’t come in very often after that.)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Microsoft Works

    | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, your website has been timing me out ever since I switched computers.”

    Me: “What kind do you use currently?”

    Customer: “Mac, using Safari as the browser.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, we did not test the web site with Macs, and we know it doesn’t work properly with Safari.”

    Customer: “Why didn’t you test with Macs?”

    Me: “Most of our customer base use Windows based PC’s, typically with Internet Explorer.”

    Customer: “Really? I think everyone should use Macs. Everything runs perfectly on them!”

    When Fat Cells Out-number Brain Cells

    | Ohio, USA |

    (A grocery store customer points to ‘fat free’ on a gallon of ice cream.)

    Customer: “Does that mean I don’t have to pay?”

    Me: “No sir, that means that there is no fat in the ice cream.”

    Customer: “So just the fat is free?”

    Me: “There is no fat, sir.”

    Customer: “I don’t want it then.”

    On The Straight And Narrow (Minded)

    | Hertfordshire, England | Top

    (Note: I’m a female customer sitting in a pub. I’m approached by another male customer while I read a book.)

    Male customer: “Hello, my name is ***.”

    Me: “That’s nice.”

    Male customer: “So can I have your number?”

    Me: “Oh. Actually, I’m gay.”

    Male customer: “You want to have sex with women?”

    Me: “Well, not right now. Right now, I just want to read my book.”

    Male customer: “That’s bulls***! If you’re a lesbian then you want to have sex with women!”

    Me: “Honestly, I just want to read my book.”

    Male customer: “You’re lying to me, that’s very rude! I’m going to complain!”

    Male customer, to a waitress: “That girl over there is being really rude. I want you to do something, it’s disturbing my day. She just lied to me and told me that she was a lesbian, and now she’s mocking me.”

    Waitress: “What am I supposed to do about that? Make her straight?”

    Male customer: “Just do something about it!”

    Waitress, to me: “Hello, there.”

    Me: “Hello. I’m sorry about him.”

    Waitress: “Oh, it’s no problem! So, can I have your number?”

    Male customer: *looks horrified*

    Me: “Er, yeah, sure. Here.”

    (I write my number on a napkin and she takes it, still smiling.)

    Waitress, to male customer: “See? She’s a lesbian.”

    Male customer: “That’s not what I wanted you to do! I didn’t want you to ask her out, I wanted you to make her leave! I demand to speak to your manager!”

    Waitress: “Oh, he’s just popped out. I can get his boyfriend for you though if you want?”

    Male customer: *storms out cursing*

    (It turned out that the waitress was kidding about her manager, but she wasn’t kidding about asking me out!)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Don’t Huff A Book By Its Cover

    | Allentown, PA, USA |

    (I notice a group of kids come into our library and head back to an unused selection of history books where they are hidden from sight. I go back to ask if they need assistance.)

    Me: “Hello, were you looking for anything in particular today?”

    Kid: “Uh…we’re fine, just doing a report.” *holds up a book about the county from a few years back*

    Me: “Oh, well we have a newer version that you can borrow. It’ll be more accurate.”

    Kid: “Well, I like this one. It’ll work fine, thanks.”

    Kid’s friend: “Hey, actually do you have an older book?”

    Me: “Sure, does this work?”

    Kid’s friend: “Yeah, thanks!”

    Me: “No problem.”

    (I go back and talk to my coworker who promptly gets up and heads over to where the kids are. He comes back a few minutes later.)

    Me: “What were they doing anyway?”

    Coworker: “They were trying to get high off the old book glue. Lucky that older brand doesn’t work.”

    Me: “How’d you get them to leave?”

    Coworker: “I told the truth: that most of that dust comes from dead bugs and other people’s skin cells.”


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