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    C Is For Coffee, Cigarettes, And Cluelessness

    | California, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hi, what’s that sign over your coffee brewer thing?”

    Me: “The one that says Proposition 65?”

    Customer: *squinting* “Yeah. It says something about cancer?”

    Me: “We’re required to let you know that our coffee and coffee products contain chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer and reproductive harm. You really don’t need to worry about it; you’d have to consume a lot of coffee before it took any effect.”

    Customer: “That has to be illegal! I’m never coming here again until you take the cancer out of your coffee!” *storms out of the store*

    (Later on, when I finish my shift and go outside, I see the same customer. She’s drinking a blended iced coffee from our competition across the street and smoking a cigarette while complaining to someone on the phone about how our store puts cancer in our drinks.)

    Heartlessness Is In the Heart Of The Beholder

    | Omaha, NE, USA | Pets & Animals

    (A customer walks in with two young dogs.)

    Me: “Hello. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, these two dogs belonged to my mother, who recently passed away. Her dying wish was to have them buried with her.”

    Me: “I don’t understand.”

    Customer: “I would like them euthanized, so I can have them cremated and put into her casket with her.”

    Me: “How old are they? Do they have any health issues?”

    Customer: “They are two years old. They are healthy, but you need to put them down, now! I need them to be buried with my mother, so they can join her in heaven!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we will not euthanize two perfectly healthy dogs.”

    Customer: *while walking out* “Fine! You people are heartless!”

    Common Courtesies: Not For Commoners

    | California, MD, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids

    (I am a cashier at a locally owned grocery store that is frequented by families. A dad comes in with two sons. The younger one puts a drink in the front of their order.)

    Kid: “Don’t put this in a bag.”

    Dad: “Hey! You could at least say ‘please’!”

    Kid: “Dad, you don’t say ‘please’ to clerks, only to people! I learned it in my lesson yesterday!”

    Of Inky Inputs And Inopportune Idioms

    | Perth, Australia | Criminal/Illegal

    (I am a employee at a electronics store. We are having a fairly normal day. As I am attending to a woman, two men barge through the shop and demand that everyone drop to the ground.)

    Customer: *starts looking through her purse*

    Me: “Ma’am, I think we should do what they say and not call the police.”

    Customer: “No, I’m not looking for that…ah! Here it is!”

    (The customer holds up a pen. Meanwhile, I’m lying on the floor with a confused look on my face.)

    Customer: *whispers* “The pen is mightier then the sword.”

    An I For An Eye

    | Portland, OR, USA | Extra Stupid

    Me: “What’s your name, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Miriam.”

    Me: “‘M’ as in Mary, ‘I’ as in India–”

    Caller: “No! ‘I’ as in the eye in your face!”

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