Featured Story:
  • Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose
    (1,648 thumbs up)
  • January Theme Of The Month: Prank Calls!
    Submit your story today!

    If She Were Blonde It Would Be Stereo(Typing)

    | Victoria, BC, Canada |

    Customer: “My email is not working!”

    Me: “What do you mean it’s not working?”

    Customer: “I can’t send any email. I need to send email. I have to confirm bookings and other stuff for my B&B! I need this fixed right away!”

    Me: “Okay, I was just heading out. I will drive straight over.”

    (I arrive at the customer’s B&B.)

    Customer: “I am so glad you could come so quickly. I just don’t know what to do without my email!”

    (I look at the computer, use the mouse to send myself a test email, everything works fine.)

    Customer: “No, no! Not like that! Type the email!”

    Me: “Oh, okay.”

    (I type and nothing happens. I reach behind the computer and plug the keyboard back in. The email starts to work again.)

    Me: “Your keyboard was unplugged.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah, a wire got kicked out when I was sitting there. I guess it was an important one after all.”

    Cold But Not Calculating

    | Australia |

    (There is a deal at my store that reduces the prices on DVDs if you get five or more. A customer rings up 4 DVDs.)

    Me: “So, you know if you get another movie, it’ll cost you fifty cents less than what you have right now?”

    Customer: “What did you say to me?”

    Me: “Um, well, we have this deal…”

    Customer: “If I wanted another DVD, I would have gotten one before. And I would pay for it, too, because I believe in the system we have running here. I don’t need no filthy communist telling me how to use my money!”

    Me: “I really don’t think that’s how communism works, but okay. That’ll be eight bucks.”

    Customer: “Don’t you tell me how communism works! I fought in that war!”

    Me: “Which war?”

    Customer: “The Cold War!”

    A Revelatory Thought

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, I have an important question.”

    Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “You know a lot about the Bible, right?”

    Me: “Well, not everything entirely.”

    Customer: “Okay. Can you tell me what part of the Bible does Narnia come in?”

    A Fence Built On Magic Beans

    | Arizona, USA | Top

    (While reviewing an adoption application for a very agile Border Collie, I come to the point where it talks about the adopter’s housing situation and fence.)

    Me: “I’m unfamiliar with a Cyclone Fence. Can you please tell me what that is made of?”

    Adopter: “It’s linked like a chain-linked fence.”

    Me: “Oh, okay! So you have a 5′ chain link fence then? And the dog will be left either in the home or yard with a doggie door while you are gone, right?”

    Adopter: “Yeah.”

    Me: “That sounds wonderful. I would just like to mention that you may want to keep the dog either in a crate or in a room of the house for the first week or so. Too many times we hear stories where people have their new dog outside unattended and the dog jumps the fence and runs away.”

    Adopter: “She can’t jump a 6′ fence.”

    Me: “So your fence is 6′, not 5′ like you put on the application?”

    Adopter: “No dog can jump my 10′ fence.”

    Me: “Sir, you fence was 6′ a moment ago.”

    Adopter: “Well, I don’t know. It’s taller than me! It’s like 14′ high!”

    Me: “Really, it doesn’t matter how tall your fence is. I am just saying that if you take the dog home and leave her unattended, she could get worried and climb your fence and get out. No one here wants her to get lost.”

    Adopter: “My fence is 16′ tall! No one can get over it!”

    Me: “Okay, sir.”

    Adopter: “I am going to sue you!”

    Not Enough Oxygen In The Brain

    | Buffalo, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hello. You’ve reached [company]. How may we help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I recently purchased a carbon-monoxide detector thingies from here, and I was just wondering what to do if it goes off?”

    Me: “Well, you would have to call emergency services and leave your house immediately.”

    Customer: “Okay.” *long pause* “Could you hang up please? My phone broke and won’t let me end conversations but I have to call 911.”

    Me: “Wait. Your alarm is going off? Ma’am, that’s dangerous! Get out of your house now!”

    Customer: “Oh, I threw it in the garbage disposal, it’s okay.”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “Hey, like I said before, could you hang up?”

    Page 1,631/2,254First...1,6291,6301,6311,6321,633...Last