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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • From The Mouth Of Babes

    | Sydney, Australia |

    (While driving a bus, I overhear this conversation between a mother and her child right after a police car had driven by with lights and siren blaring.)

    Child: “Mum, is that police car coming for us?”

    Mother: “No, why?”

    Child: “Because you told the bus driver I’m three and I’m really four.”

    Error 404: Brain Not Found

    | Brisbane, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how may I help today?”

    Caller: “Yeah, your [software] isn’t working. It’s a virus.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. What do you mean, it’s a virus?”

    Caller: “Every time I put the disc in, I get a message from the computer.”

    Me: “What kind of message?”

    Caller: “I don’t read it. It’s a warning message so I click ‘no’.”

    Me: “Okay, can you insert the disc and tell me the message?”

    Caller: “Sure.”

    Me: “What does it say sir?”

    Caller: “Would you like to install…” *reads name of software* “… on your…” *click*

    Pray He Doesn’t Sit Behind You

    | Canada |

    (An old couple approach the auditorium I am ushering.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, madam, outside food and drinks are not allowed into our auditoriums. I’ll have to ask you to please dispose of these cups before you can go in.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. No problem.”

    (She throws away one of two cups into the garbage, and proceeds to walk in with the other one.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, you need to get rid of both of these drinks.”

    Customer: *points to her husband who is well on his way into the auditorium* “Oh, there’s nothing in that cup, that’s just for him to spit in.”

    Inn-Experienced Dialer

    | Norway |

    Me: “Welcome to [wireless carrier], how may we help you today?”

    Caller: “I want to book a room at the hotel.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You’ve called [wireless carrier], so we can’t help you with that.”

    Caller: “What? Why not? I called the number on the promo letter I received!”

    Me: “You’ve called a cell phone company, not a hotel.”

    Caller: “Why wont you help me? I just want to book the room, and it says call this number!”

    Me: “Sir, we are not a hotel, we have cell phones. I’m sure the hotel can assist you with booking a room if you call the correct number.”

    Caller: “Why can’t you help me? Is it because you are completely booked?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s why.”

    Caller: “Ok, I’ll call somebody else then.” *click*

    1 Billion Served (And Eaten)

    , | Texas, USA |

    (I’ve just finished ringing up a customer’s order.)

    Customer: “Is it too late to make the drink and fries big?”

    Me: “Of course not, let me just charge it.”

    Customer, to my manager: “It should be free since she didn’t offer it to me! You should offer it to everyone equally!”

    Manager: “I’m sorry sir, she can’t give it to you for free. We’re all human. We all make mistakes.”

    Customer: “Well, fine! Next time I want to be helped by someone who isn’t human!”

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