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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    I Can Thieve Clearly Now

    | New York, USA |

    Customer: “I need to bring back these reading glasses. They’re broken.”

    Me: “OK – do you have the receipt for them?”

    (The customer hands me a receipt from 9 months earlier.)

    Me: “This receipt is a little past our 30-day return policy. May I have a look at the glasses?”

    Customer: “Yeah, well, they’re clearly broken, and I never used them, so you need to make an exception for me.”

    (I see that the glasses have clearly had the packaging removed and haphazardly put back on. They also have grease marks all over the lenses.)

    Me: “OK, well, I can’t take these back for a number of reasons: They were bought 9 months ago, we don’t carry this style anymore, and they have been clearly opened and used.”

    Customer: “No, they’re not used! You can’t get that package back on them!”

    Me: “It’s tricky, but you can get it back on. I’ve had to re-package them on a few occasions.”

    Customer: “NO YOU CAN’T! I HAD A HARD ENOUGH TIME GETTING THE PACKAGE OFF!”

    Me: “…”

    (The customer realizes what she just said, then turns and sheepishly walks out.)

    Pride Goeth Before A Sale

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    (Whenever the store was getting ready to discontinue something they would reduce the price to a penny before throwing it away. I was ringing up a customer’s order and he had several little bags of screws that were being discontinued.)

    Me: “All right, that’ll be $10.95.”

    Customer: “Why is it so much cheaper than yesterday?”

    Me: “Oh, those screws are being discontinued so they brought the price down.”

    Customer: “What? Do you think I can’t afford them?”

    Me: “Uh, no sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t need your help! I want to buy them at the regular price!”

    Me: “Uh, they brought the price down automatically in the system, sir. I can’t raise the price myself.”

    Customer: “I want to speak to a manager!”

    (I called the manager, and he spent ten minutes trying to reason with the man before he gave up and raised the price for him. Turns out the screws were only 36 cents a bag at regular price.)

    Related: Pride Goeth Before A Rental

    Not A Planet You Want To Piss Off

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Me: “Hi, did you find everything all right?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I brought in my old printer ink so I know which number to get.”

    Me: “A very good idea. And would you like to recycle your ink cartridge? You can receive money back if you’re a rewards customer.”

    Customer: “A what customer?”

    Me: “It’s a frequent shoppers program that lets you rack up purchases and receive money back on them. When you recycle an ink cartridge, you get $3.00.”

    Customer: “I don’t want no credit card.”

    Me: “Oh, it’s not a credit card, sir. And it’s completely free to sign up.”

    Customer: “No thanks.”

    Me: “All right, would you like to recycle it anyway? We do that here for free.”

    Customer: “Why would I recycle it?”

    Me: “Well, because it’s empty, and you can’t recycle them yourself. It’s better than just throwing it away.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “…because it’s good for the earth?”

    Customer: “What has Earth ever done for me?”

    Me: “Oxygen, sir?”

    Dig Deeper At Your Own Risk

    | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada |

    (A customer and her young son are buying a bag of birdseed when she notices a picture of my horse on the board behind me.)

    Customer: “Oh, what a beautiful horse! Is he a black stallion?”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, he’s a gelding.”

    Customer: “Oh…what’s the difference?”

    Me: “A gelding is a male horse who’s been castrated.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Uh…a male horse who’s been neutered.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand.”

    Me: “A male horse who’s had his testicles surgically removed.”

    Customer: “I still don’t…”

    Me: “A horse with no balls, ma’am.”

    Customer: *covering her son’s ears*** “My goodness! My son’s only five, you know! He doesn’t need to hear that language!”

    Me: “…have a nice day, ma’am.”

    Copycats…and Copy Dogs, Copy Sheep…

    | New York, USA | Crazy Requests, Math & Science, Pets & Animals

    Customer: “I need a book on cloning.”

    Me: “Okay…would you like a book on the ethics of cloning, or maybe the history of it?”

    Customer: “No, I need a how-to book on cloning animals.”

    Me: “Um…cloning is a pretty complicated process. You’ll need several years of college education to be able to clone an animal.”

    Customer: “No you don’t! That’s just what we’ve been told! I read about it, and you can do it with a turkey baster in your kitchen!”

    Me: “I think you’re thinking of artificial insemination…”

    Customer: “NO I’M NOT! I NEED TO CLONE MY DOG!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I have a boy dog, and I love him very much, but he’s a bad dog. I heard that girl dogs are much nicer, so I want to clone my dog and make a girl dog! STOP HIDING THE BOOKS FROM ME!!!”

    Me: *points to back corner* “Our science section is that way. Go knock yourself out.”

    Next Customer In Line: “How the h*** did you just keep your cool through that?”


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