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    He Scolds Sea Shells By The Seafood Store

    | Portland, ME, USA |

    (A customer walks up to me with a box of popcorn shrimp.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, is this okay for someone with a shell fish allergy? My daughter is highly allergic to shell fish.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but shrimp are shell fish. Maybe you should get popcorn chicken instead?”

    Customer: “But it says it’s popcorn shrimp! That means that the shell is made of popcorn and not an actual shell. In that case, it would no longer be a shell fish and only seafood, right?

    Me: “Sir, shrimp has a shell, so it is a shell fish. The shells are not made out of popcorn.”

    Customer: “LIES!” *storms off, but thankfully leaves the box*

    Barking Up Your Own Tree

    | Maryland, USA |

    (Note: our coffee shop shares a building with a Mexican fast food place.)

    Me: “Good afternoon. This is [coffee shop], *** speaking.”

    Caller: “Hey, are you guys right beside [Mexican fast food place]?”

    Me: “Yeah, just come in the same door.”

    Caller: “Actually, I want to order from them, but they aren’t answering their phone.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Their manager comes in here fairly often. I’ll let him know he’s missing calls.”

    Caller: “Will you go over and place my order for me and have it delivered?”

    Me: “Ahh‚ĶI can’t do that. I don’t work for them.”

    Caller: “Please? It will just take a moment.¬†I can’t leave work.”

    Me: “Neither can I, sir.”

    In-Conceivably Kooky

    | Durham, NC, USA |

    (A little old lady approaches me as I am tidying up some shelves.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but I can’t find your Columbia Crest Cabernet?”

    Me: *I point to the shelf above me* “It’s right there.”

    Customer: “Oh my, I feel so foolish!”

    Me: “Not at all. It’s a big store and can get a little confusing, even for me.”

    Customer: “Now what about some Hess Cabernet?”

    Me: (I walk her to where it is and take the bottle down for her.)

    Customer: “I LOVE you!”

    Me: “Hehe, no problem!”

    (I see the check-out lines at the front of the store are full, so I follow her up to help at the registers.  After a few customers, she comes through my line.)

    Customer: “You can take my money too?! Amazing!”

    Me: *laughs* “Yes, I have many skills.”

    Customer: “What are some of your other talents?”

    Me: “Well, I can sing!”

    Customer: “You can CONCEIVE?!”

    Me: “I certainly hope so! But I’m not going to try that out just yet. Right now, I can just sing.”

    Customer: “I wish you had really said that. That would have been funny! I love you!”

    A State Of Mindlessness

    | Perth, Australia |

    (Note: I’m providing tech support over the phone to a customer.)

    Me: “Okay, so we’re just going to need your phone number before I can go any further.”

    Caller: “Okay, it’s **** ****.”

    Me: “…and your area code?”

    Caller: “Huh?”

    Me: “What state are you in?”

    Caller: “Say again?”

    Me: “What state?”

    Caller: “Sober?”

    That’s The Way The Keyboard Crumbles

    | Anaheim, CA, USA |

    Customer, over the phone: “Hi, could you check out my computer? I think something is wrong with the keyboard.”

    Me: “Okay, do you have any idea what it might be?”

    Customer: “No, I just know that it has to be the keyboard. Everything else seems fine.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll be over later.”

    (I drive to the woman’s house. She lets me in and shows me her desk.)

    Me: “Well, first off, your space bar is upside-down.”

    Customer: “I‚Ķuh‚Ķwasn’t gonna tell you that. Didn’t know if it’d be important.”

    (I remove the upside-down space bar.)

    Me: “Your keyboard is full of crumbs. Have you been eating over it?”

    Customer: “Well, I wasn’t gonna tell you that either.”

    (I grab a can of air and blow the crumbs out.)

    Me: “That‚Äôs weird, they’re not coming out. It’s sticky inside. Did you recently spill soda into this?”

    Customer: “Oh, I wasn’t gonna tell you all of this. I thought you’d get mad and not come.”

    Me: “Listen, there’s really nothing I can do. I’m sorry, you’ll need a whole new keyboard.”

    Customer: “See! I told you you’d just up and leave if I told you!”

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