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    In Soviet America, Product Buys You

    | Canada |

    Me: “Hey there, can I help you out?”

    Customer: “Were these products on Oprah?”

    Me: “Yes, they’ve been featured.”

    Customer: “Celebrities use them, right? So they must be really expensive…like $500 a pop or something, right?”

    Me: “No, not at all. This one here only costs $40 before tax, and none of the products exceed $150.”

    Customer: “So, when the celebrities buy them, they only cost $40?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “And when regular people buy them, they only cost $40?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (A moment of silence passes as the customer glares at me.)

    Customer: “COMMUNIST!”

    Close-Minded

    | Georgia, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [drugstore], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “What time do y’all close?”

    Me: “We’re open twenty four hours, sir.”

    Customer: “But what time do you close?”

    Me: “We’re twenty four hours.”

    Customer: “What does that mean? I don’t know military time!”

    Me: “We’re open twenty four hours a day, three hundred and sixty five days a year sir.”

    Customer: “You’re not listening to me. How am I suppose to know when to come if I don’t know when you close?!”

    Me: “Sir, we never close. We’re always open.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “No matter what time you come, someone will be here, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, what kind of stupid a** schedule is that?!”

    Me: “You’d have to ask corporate, sir.”

    Customer: “So wait…what time do y’all close?”

    Out Of State, Out Of Mind

    | Berlin, Germany | Top

    Me: “That’ll be €32,78 please.”

    (The customer hands me American dollars.)

    Me: “Sir, this is Germany. You can’t pay with US currency.”

    Customer: “But this is the US.”

    Me: “No sir, this is Germany, in Europe.”

    Customer: “But…isn’t Europe part of the US?”

    Dodo Brained

    | Melbourne, FL, USA |

    (At our zoo, we have a dinosaur walk-through area. A mother is pointing out rhinoceroses to her young son.)

    Mother: “Look, honey! They have the last living dinosaurs here!”

    Me: “Ma’am, they aren’t actually dinosaurs. The dinosaurs that we have on display are replicas on the other side of the park.”

    Mother: “But your advertisements said you had dinosaurs here today!”

    Me: “We do, but these aren’t dinosaurs. They are rhinoceros. The dinosaurs are on the other side of the park.”

    Mother: “But that’s just not true! These are rhino-SAURUSES! I think I know a dinosaur when I see them!”

    Location Is Clearly Not Your Vocation

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    Me: “Policyholder service, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to change the beneficiary on my policy.”

    Me: “I can help you with that. Do you have your policy number?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “That’s fine. “What is your name?”

    (The customer gives me her name, but it’s common and we have several dozen policyholders with the same name. I need more information to find her policy.)

    Me: “Okay. What state do you live in?”

    Customer: “Springfield.”

    (Unfortunately, we cannot sort or search by city names, only by states. I do a quick look and see more than one Springfield in different states.)

    Me: “What state is that in?”

    Customer: “Springfield.”

    Me: “Springfield is the city that you’re in. What is the name of the state that you’re in?”

    Customer: *slowly* “Spring. Field.”

    Me: “That’s the city you’re in…what is the state?”

    Customer: *annoyed* “The UNITED States!”

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