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    The Imperial Left Or The Metric Left

    | London, UK |

    Guest: “How do you get to a cash machine??”

    Me: “You exit the hotel, turn left, and then–”

    Guest: “Turn left?”

    Me: “Yes, left.”

    Guest: “Left?”

    Me: “Yes, left.” *pointing with my hand*

    Guest: *confused* “Left…right…”

    Me: “Left in England is the same as left in America.”

    Guest: “Oh, okay! I get it!”

    When Age Equals I.Q.

    | Bristol, UK |

    (Our car insurance policies include an extension that lets customers drive other vehicles with minimum-level cover, but it’s only available to customers over 25.)

    Me: “Good morning, how can I help?”

    Customer: “Hi, I’ve got a policy with you. Will it let me drive other cars?”

    Me: “It might. Could I ask your age, please?”

    Customer: “I’m 23.”

    Me: “I’m afraid not, you have to be 25 years old or over before we give you that extension.”

    Customer: “Oh, ok, how do I get that, then?”

    Me: “…you have to turn 25.”

    Customer: “Oh! When will that be?”

    Phishing For Answers

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “This is [company name].”

    Customer: “Hi, who’s this?”

    Me: “Are you calling for tech support?”

    Customer: “Oh, I guess it’s the wrong number. Well, what do you guys do?”

    Me: “We’re an online virtual conferencing company. We allow you to host meetings online with webcams and slideshows.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s cool, anything else you do, other features?”

    Me: “We also have a feature that lets you remotely take control of another person’s computer, or show them your own.”

    Customer: “Oh really? That’s pretty awesome. So can you take control of anybody’s computer?”

    Me: “Yeah, as long as their system supports the software.”

    Customer: “So, can you do it without their permission…like, can you use it to hack into somebody’s computer with it?”

    Me: “No, guests must be attending the conference and give permission for this.”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m not interested then.” *click*

    Too Much Violence On TV, Even More When It’s Off

    | North America |

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “You shut me off!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear you’re having problems. Let me pull up your account.”

    Customer: “I ain’t got no d*** account with you, you rip people off so I figure I’ll rip you off, and then you go and shut me off again!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, what address is this for?”

    (Customer gives his address and is documented for repeated cable theft.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but this account needs to be paid for if you want to have cable service.”

    Customer: “No it don’t. I’ll just go on back there and hook up my wires and it’ll come in fine.”

    Me: “Yes sir, that is possible, but it’s against the law to tap into lines without a paid account.”

    Customer: “Well you better make it harder because I’m just gonna go hook it up again, and you better stop unhooking my lines.”

    Me: “I do apologize, but I’m afraid we’ll continue to take down any unauthorized hook ups, sir.”

    Customer: “Yeah? Well, I’ll be waiting with a shotgun next time!”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too, sir.”

    Customer: “No it ain’t! I got the right to bear arms and if you come out here, I’m gonna BEAR ARMS ON YOU!”

    If The Brew Fits…

    | California, USA |

    (We’ve run out of flat lids for our large cold drinks, so we’re using the domed ones instead.)

    Coworker: “I have a large iced green tea ready.”

    Customer: “Does it LOOK like I want whipped cream on that!?”

    Coworker: “I’m really sorry, ma’am, but unfortunately we are all out of the flat lids for the venti sized drinks. I have to put a dome lid–”

    (The customer points to small-sized flat lids.)

    Customer: “Those are flat lids!”

    Coworker: “Actually, those only fit our small iced cups.”

    (The customer rolls her eyes, grabs a small flat lid, and tries to put it on her large cup. Because it’s smaller, the lid falls into her drink and spills tea all over the counter.)

    Customer: “WHY WON’T THIS FIT!?”

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