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    If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Top

    Me: Hello this is [doctor's office], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”

    (From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)

    Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”

    Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead…and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”

    Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”

    Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”

    Why Husbands Should Play Boy The Rules

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, may I speak to Mr. ***?”

    Wife: “He’s in the shower, may I ask what this is about?”

    Me: “I’m just calling to find out if he would like to renew a magazine subscription.”

    Wife: “What magazine?”

    Me: “Playboy, ma’am.”

    Wife: “Just a second.”

    (I can hear the shower in the background.)

    Wife: *sweet voice* “Honey! Someone is calling to see if you want to renew a magazine.”

    Husband: “Which one?”

    Wife: *slightly homicidal voice* “Playboy…”

    Husband: “Uh…no, I don’t think I’ll renew that.”

    (The wife picks up phone again; her sweet voice is back.)

    Wife: “No, thank you. I don’t think we’ll be needing that one anymore!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Read/Write/Think Error

    | Pensacola, FL, USA |

    Customer: “You said you were going to save all my data to the DVD! I can’t get anything!”

    Me: “I assure you, I saved it to that DVD.”

    Customer:“No, no! It’s still not there! It keeps telling me to insert the disk!”

    Me: “Well…did you put the DVD in the drive yet?”

    Customer: “No! Does it have to be there?”

    Me: “Yes, it does. You can’t view the contents of the DVD unless the drive is able to read the DVD.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just silly!”

    Not How You A-Dress A Customer

    , | Manchester, UK |

    Me: “Hello, [pizza delivery]. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to order some pizzas, please.”

    Me: “No problem.”

    (The call proceeds normally; she orders two pizzas and we make a little small talk.)

    Customer: “Can you deliver them, please?”

    Me: “Sure, address?”

    Customer: *long pause* “Pardon?”

    Me: “The address?”

    Customer: *long pause again* “I’d like to speak to your manager now, please.”

    Me: “Is there a problem?”

    Customer: “Just put your manager on!”

    (I call my manager over.)

    Manager: “Hello, what appears to be the issue?”

    (The manager talks with the customer for a while. He eventually hangs up, throws the order slip in the trash, and bursts out laughing.)

    Me: “What was all that about?”

    Manager: “She thought you were asking if she was wearing ‘a dress’ and wanted to complain.”

    Dripocalypse Now

    | St. Paul, MN, USA |

    (I work at a commercial property development/management company. I got this call from a new tenant’s office.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, [property management company].”

    Tenant: “This is going to sound crazy, but I think Armageddon might have just started in the break room.”

    Me: “Okay, why do you say that?”

    Tenant: “I turned on the tap, and blood came out of the faucet. So, it’s either the end of the world, or turkey blood.”

    Me: “Turkey blood?”

    Tenant: “We just washed out a turkey in the sink; maybe the blood got sucked back into the pipes. I don’t think we should drink the water.”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s pretty alarming. I’ve never heard of that happening, but I will get you a plumber out there ASAP.”

    Tenant: “Great, thanks. Everyone thinks I’m crazy, but I swear, blood came out!”

    Me: “I will take care of this, don’t worry.”

    (I hang up and call a plumber. While I’m waiting for the plumber to call back with a time, the tenant phones every 10 minutes and is getting increasingly hysterical. I finally get a time for the plumber and call the tenant.)

    Me: “A plumber should be out there within the hour.”

    Tenant: “Oh. Well. Um.”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Tenant: “False alarm…it wasn’t Armageddon, it was Crystal Light. The powder was stuck on the tap! Everybody here’s laughing! This is only my second day of this job. I’m never going to live this down!”

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