As Thick As Pea Soup

| Ohio, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

Me: “Thank you for calling technical support. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was calling because I am having some troubles.”

Me: “And what troubles are you having?”

Customer: “I don’t know how much water goes into my soup.”

(I’m about to tell her she can’t call us for stuff like this, until I realize it would be so much easier to just help her.)

Me: “Ma’am, are there directions anywhere on the side?”

Customer: “Oh, right.” *hangs up*

A Genuine Cents Of Change

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Top

(At this coffee shop, do not accept $100 bills because all $20 are automatically dropped into a safe and we cannot make adequate change. It’s a particularly busy day with a rather long line, and a customer approaches.)

Customer: “I want a medium americano.” *hands me $100 bill*

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t have enough change to accept that bill. Do you happen to have anything smaller?”

Customer: “No, this is all I have. I don’t have anything smaller.”

Me: “Well then, today is your lucky day. Your drink is on me today!”

(Note: I am trying to get the line moving and we’re allowed to give an arbitrary number of free drinks away a day if we think it’ll make the customer happy.)

Customer: “No, just take the money, please. I don’t want the free drink. Just get the change from the safe.”

Me: “I can’t do that, but your free drink will be up on the counter quickly.”

Customer: “I don’t want the free drink!” *storms out without drink*

(My manager, who had been eavesdropping on the entire exchange, approaches me after the customer leaves.)

Manager: “Well, that bill was obviously counterfeit. Good for you for not accepting it!”

Unfortunately, Stupidity Is Forever

| Pennsylvania, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Top

(I have reddish brown hair with the underside dyed teal. Today, my hair is up in a clip, which makes it very visible.)

Customer: “Ugh, why would you do that to yourself?”

Me: “I’m sorry, do what?”

Customer: “Dye your hair that awful color! Are you that desperate for attention?”

Me: “No, teal is just my favorite color, and it makes me happy. And the great thing about hair is that it isn’t permanent.”

Customer: “I don’t get you rebellious teenagers.”

Me: “I’m 24 and very happily married. I’m not trying to rebel against anyone or anything. I just like teal, ma’am.”

Customer: “What are you going to tell your kids when they ask why mommy has blue hair?”

Me: “Oh, it’ll definitely be gone by then.”

Customer: *walks out with a big tramp stamp sticking out from the bottom of her shirt*

Don’t Call Us, We Won’t Call You

| New York, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Ticketing services, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I have an issue. It keeps telling me that for delivery, for the tickets ‘will call’.”

Me: “Yes, that is an option for the tickets.”

Customer: “Yes, but will you call me, do I call you? How long do I have to wait?”

Me: “Oh! No, no…’will call’ means we hold the ticket at the box office and you pick it up at the show.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you just say that?!”

That’ll Be An Arm And A Never Mind

| Adelaide, SA, Australia | Bizarre, Health & Body

(A customer is complaining that we have cancelled her membership with us, even though she hasn’t paid for it for 6 months.)

Customer: “This is getting ridiculous. I am going to take this to [local news station]. I’m disabled, and you’re discriminating against me because I am disabled.”

Me: “I am not discriminating against you. The same rule applies to all members who fail to pay for their membership. Unfortunately, it has been cancelled and the only way to become a member again is to rejoin.”

Customer: “If you don’t fix this for me, I’m going to come down there to your head office, take off my prosthetic leg, and beat you with it! Good bye!”

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