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    Too Much Violence On TV, Even More When It’s Off

    | North America |

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “You shut me off!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear you’re having problems. Let me pull up your account.”

    Customer: “I ain’t got no d*** account with you, you rip people off so I figure I’ll rip you off, and then you go and shut me off again!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, what address is this for?”

    (Customer gives his address and is documented for repeated cable theft.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but this account needs to be paid for if you want to have cable service.”

    Customer: “No it don’t. I’ll just go on back there and hook up my wires and it’ll come in fine.”

    Me: “Yes sir, that is possible, but it’s against the law to tap into lines without a paid account.”

    Customer: “Well you better make it harder because I’m just gonna go hook it up again, and you better stop unhooking my lines.”

    Me: “I do apologize, but I’m afraid we’ll continue to take down any unauthorized hook ups, sir.”

    Customer: “Yeah? Well, I’ll be waiting with a shotgun next time!”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too, sir.”

    Customer: “No it ain’t! I got the right to bear arms and if you come out here, I’m gonna BEAR ARMS ON YOU!”

    If The Brew Fits…

    | California, USA |

    (We’ve run out of flat lids for our large cold drinks, so we’re using the domed ones instead.)

    Coworker: “I have a large iced green tea ready.”

    Customer: “Does it LOOK like I want whipped cream on that!?”

    Coworker: “I’m really sorry, ma’am, but unfortunately we are all out of the flat lids for the venti sized drinks. I have to put a dome lid–”

    (The customer points to small-sized flat lids.)

    Customer: “Those are flat lids!”

    Coworker: “Actually, those only fit our small iced cups.”

    (The customer rolls her eyes, grabs a small flat lid, and tries to put it on her large cup. Because it’s smaller, the lid falls into her drink and spills tea all over the counter.)

    Customer: “WHY WON’T THIS FIT!?”

    Fowl Outdoor Behavior

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (At the theme park where I work, a teenage guest gets out of line and marches up to me at my spot greeting people.)

    Guest: “There are two birds back there fighting in the bushes. You should go stop them.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t really have any control over nature.”

    Guest: “But they’re fighting. One of them could get hurt.”

    Me: “I’m sure they’ll sort it out soon and fly off.”

    Other guest: “Those birds aren’t fighting…they’re ‘dating’.”

    (The guest thinks about it for a moment.)

    Guest: “What?! And you’re just going to let them do it in front of everyone? This is a FAMILY park. Oh my God!”

    Here Today, Gone To Maui

    | Anchorage, AK, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [travel agency].”

    Customer: “Yeah…I’m a senior, and a disabled veteran.”

    Me: “Okay, thank you for your service, sir. Are you looking to book a plane ticket?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I want a ticket to Honolulu. I’m a disabled veteran of the U.S. Army.”

    Me: “Okay, and what day would you like to leave?”

    Customer: “Well, whenever my Visa arrives.”

    Me: “Visa?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Sir, you are a U.S. Citizen, aren’t you?”

    Customer: “Yup.”

    Me: “Hawaii is in the United States, sir. You don’t need a passport or visa to get there if you’re a U.S. citizen.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s new!”

    What A Quack

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [store] where you can get great back to school fashions. This is Cara speaking, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, do you have any duck things?”

    Me: “Duck things? What sort of duck things, sir?”

    Customer: “Duck things.”

    Me: “No, we do not.”

    Customer: “Oh. Do you have any duck key chains?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “What about duck earrings?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Oh. Did you know I have over two hundred stuffed ducks?”

    Me: “That’s… awesome?”

    Customer: “They have neck braces. We got in a car accident, me and my stuffed ducks.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “I gave my ducks neck braces.”

    Me: “I really–”

    Customer: “The doctor had to wrap me in twelve blankets!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

    Customer: “Do you have any duck things?”

    Me: “No, but why don’t you try calling another [store]? We’re low volume, so we have less than the other ones.”

    Customer: “I have lots of stuffed ducks, you know. They have neck braces because we got in a car accident.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I have another customer. I really have to let you go.”

    Customer: “Do you have any duck things?”

    Me: “No, sir.”

    Customer: “Have a nice day!” *hangs up*

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