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    Putting The Why In The Y-Chromosome

    | Breda, The Netherlands |

    (A man calls about his phone line that’s not working. After some checks, it’s clear that the fault is somewhere in our network.)

    Me: Alright sir, I’ll open up a support ticket and put it through to our engineers. They’ll fix it for you.”

    Male caller: “They oughta fix it soon, because my mother is very ill and in the hospital. I want to be able to be called by the doctors.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. These problems are normally solved pretty quickly, but I’ll make a note of it so that our engineers will give it a higher priority.”

    Male caller: “You’d better do that!”

    (We end the call and I put the request through. When I check the ticket a day later, I see it has been solved about two hours after the initial call. As part of standard procedure I call the man back. This time, a lady answers the phone.)

    Me: “I’m calling you about the trouble you had regarding your phone line. Someone else called about this yesterday and I wanted to ask if everything was take care of well.”

    Female caller: “Oh, it must have been my son who called about that. Well, everything was solved, and pretty quick too.”

    Me: “Your son? I’m glad to hear you’re out of the hospital already.”

    Female caller: “In the hospital? What are you talking about?”

    Me: “Your son said you were very ill.”

    Female caller: “That liar! He told me he had a trick he uses to get problems like these. He does this all the time. I’ll make sure he won’t do this again!”

    Me: “Okay. Well, have a nice day then.”

    Female caller: “You too, and I’m sorry about my son. He just looks like his father, that’s all!”

    A Dollar In The Hand Is Worth Zero In The Wallet

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA |

    Me: “Your total is $10.27, ma’am.”

    Customer: *waves a piece of paper* “Is this a coupon?”

    Me: “Not exactly. If you put your email address on it, we’ll send it to corporate and they’ll send you store updates, which will also have a coupon in the first email you receive.”

    Customer: “Oh, great! Thanks!” *turns to leave*

    Me: “Ma’am, you still need to pay.”

    Customer: “I just did.”

    Me: “I don’t think so.”

    Customer: “No?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, you didn’t. Your total is $10.27.”

    Customer: “Well, now I know I paid! I remember you saying $10.27 before.”

    Me: “Yes, I did, but you didn’t pay me the last time I said it, either.”

    Customer: “So, you know what that means?” *reaches for her unpaid items*

    Me: *takes back her unpaid items* “…that you can’t have this until you pay for it?”

    Customer: “I’m never shopping here again!”

    Pants-Fulfilling Prophecy

    | Salisbury, MD, USA |

    (A coworker of mine is looking through racks of clothes, trying to find where a shirt goes. A customer and her friend approaches her as she’s doing this.)

    Customer: “Why the h*** are you following us?”

    Coworker: “Um…sorry?”

    Customer: “You don’t have to follow us around the whole store. I’m not going to steal some cheap $5 shirt.”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m just trying to figure out where this shirt goes.”

    Customer: “Shouldn’t you know where it goes? You do work here!”

    Coworker: “Sorry, ma’am, they change the layout every few days.”

    Customer: “I should sue you for discrimination!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, if I thought you were going to steal from us, the manager would be following you, not me.”

    Customer: “Whatever! We’re leaving!”

    (As the customer turns away, my coworker notices a tag sticking out from the pants of the woman who was with the angry customer.)

    Coworker: “Tell your friend that she can pay for that shirt she’s trying to steal at the front of the store.”

    Customer’s friend: “S**T!”

    (The customer and her friend both bolt from the store, dropping the shirt in the process.)

    Appease The Portuguese

    | Johannesburg, South Africa |

    (Note: Many South African liquor stores are owned by Portuguese people.)

    Customer: “Obrigado!” (Speaks in Portuguese.)

    Me: “Sorry sir, I don’t speak Portuguese.”

    Customer: “WHAT! Your family didn’t raise you in this s*** country to forget where we come from!” *guttural swearing in Portuguese*

    Me: “Yes, sir, but-”

    Customer: “WHAT THE F***! Did your daddy run away and leave your mother that you cant speak huh? You’re a half-breed! What you gonna do when this f***ing country goes to s*** and we gotta leave, huh?”

    Me: “Well–”

    Customer: “So do you even THINK of yourself as Portuguese? Or are you ashamed of where you come from or what?”

    Me: “I’m Spanish.”

    Best Customer (And Most Expensive Envelopes) Ever

    | Charleston, SC, USA | Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Wireless Service Provider's] Financial Services Department. May I have your mobile number please?”

    Caller: “I am calling to complain that I have not been receiving payment return envelopes with my statements each month.”

    Me: “No problem, sir. Let me get your mobile number so I can pull up your account and see what’s going on.”

    Caller: *gives account number*

    Me: “Ok, just give me a minute to look through the account and see what’s going on.”

    (Looking through his payment history, I notice he’s been paying $60 a month for a $20 a month plan for nearly two years. As a result, he has over $1,000 in credit on his account.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, thanks for holding. It looks like the reason we haven’t been sending you envelopes is because you haven’t owed us any money for the past two years or so.”

    Caller: “But I’ve been using the service! How do I not owe you any money?”

    Me: “Well, your bill is only about 20 dollars a month and you’ve been consistently overpaying each month.”

    Caller: “Yes, I know! I have money, now and what if one day I don’t? I want to be able to have my cell phone! I NEED envelopes! Can you send me some right away?”

    Me: “Sir, basically you could not pay your cell phone bill for about the next several years and not have to worry about it. Why not let some of that balance wear down? You’ve really been paying way too much!”

    Caller: “But I need more envelopes! I don’t know why you can’t just send me some!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s all done in a warehouse. We don’t actually have stacks of letters laying around our office. Since the company isn’t sending you envelopes, why not just go purchase some from a store?”

    Caller: “No, I can’t do that!”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll take care of this for you…”

    (I end the call, hunt down a few generic non-labeled envelopes from the supply cabinet, and mail them to the customer. I check back on his account a few days later and he had called in to thank us for sending him the envelopes!)

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