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  • She Has ‘Trouble’ Written All Over Her

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Customer: “Yeah, I want to see about getting a tattoo. Can you guys do that?”

    Me:  “Sure. Do you have something in particular in mind?”

    Customer:  “I don’t know? Something pretty?”

    Me: “Like a butterfly? A flower?”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe a word or something? Something that means something?  Do you have a book of words and what they mean?”

    Me:  “You mean like…a dictionary?”

    Neither Conspiracy Nor Coincidence Nor Concept Of Time

    | Texas, USA |

    Me: “[Restaurant], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, what time do you stop serving breakfast?”

    Me: “10:30.”

    Customer: “Okay, and what time does lunch start?”

    Me: “10:30.”

    Customer: “Well, that works out nicely, doesn’t it?”

    Ah, Mothers, Part 4

    | Staffordshire, UK |

    (A lady comes running up to the till almost in tears, screaming that she has lost her daughter. I ask the lady for her daughter’s details. As a rule, we are not allowed to say the child’s name.)

    Customer: “Just call her name!”

    Me: “We can’t do that. How old is she and what is she wearing?”

    Customer: “Just call her name! Please, I just need to find her. She’s lost. She’ll be scared.”

    Me: “If you can tell us what she looks like and her age, we can put a call out for her and everybody in store can look out for her.”

    Customer: “Just call her name will you! Stop being so cocky!”

    Me: “We really aren’t supposed to put out names. If somebody finds your daughter, she is more likely to go off with them if they say her name.”

    Customer: “Are you stupid? She is 37 years old! She isn’t going to go off with some stranger!”

    Related:
    Ah, Mothers, Part 3
    Ah, Mothers, Part 2
    Ah, Mothers

    The Five-Minute Fan

    | Fort Wayne, IN, USA |

    (At the bookstore where I work, we sell tickets for local events.)

    Customer: “Hi. I’d like tickets.”

    Me: “Alright, for which show?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. I heard about it on the radio today, but I can’t remember who it is.”

    Me: “Did they say when the concert was?”

    Customer: “Um…”

    Me: “Was it coming up soon?”

    Customer: *shrugs*

    Me: “Do you remember anything at all about it?”

    Customer: “I think the guy’s name was…” *spews out a couple syllables as he tries to guess a name*

    Me: “Is it ***?”

    Customer: “Yeah! That’s the one! I want tickets for that show!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, that show is tonight, and it’s been sold out for the past week.”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “There haven’t been tickets available for a few days now.”

    Customer: “You’ve got to be kidding me! I’ve been waiting ages to go see this show, and now you’re telling me I can’t? This is ridiculous!”

    Passing It Forward

    | A.C.T., Australia |

    Me: “How are you today sir?”

    Customer: “Ahhhhh…well, I’m pretty good now!”

    Me: “Now?”

    Customer: “I’ve just had a horrible stomach ache all day, but I just farted and I feel much better!”

    Me: “That’s…nice…”

    (The relieved customer leaves, but another customer approaches. They’re unaware of the previous conversation.)

    Another customer: “Can you smell something? Do you think it’s the meat? Does it smell off to you?”

    Me: “No, miss. I don’t think it’s the meat.”

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