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    A Burning Question

    | Missoula, MT, USA |

    (Our restaurant is having work done to the roof. A construction worker accidentally sets the insulation on fire, pouring smoke into the building. As the fire trucks are fighting the fire, a lady pulls up in a car.)

    Customer: “Do you sell gift certificates?”

    Me: “Why yes, but I can’t sell you any right now.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: *points at the fire and the firemen* “The store is currently on fire.”

    Customer: “Can’t you just run in and grab some for me?”

    Short-Sighted Fathers

    | Hershey, PA, USA | Top

    (A man and his son walks into the guest services office.)

    Customer: “The rides person won’t let my son get on the pirate ship ride.”

    Me: “Your son doesn’t appear to be tall enough. Will you have him stand by the height chart for me?”

    (I measure the child and he is a good two inches shorter than the height requirement for the pirate ride.)

    Me: “Sir, your son is not within the height category. He cannot legally ride the ride.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t you just stamp his hand and let him get on since I said it was okay?”

    Me: “No sir, that is illegal. Your son will not be safe on that ride as the restraints are not built for smaller riders. We do have a kid’s version of that ride.”

    Customer: “I’m going to get my wife. She’s wearing heels today. He can just put those on and be tall enough.”

    Me: “Any shoes that are more than two inches thick need to be removed before we can measure the child, so that won’t work.”

    Son: “Daddy, why can’t we ride the rides?”

    Customer: “Because that horrible lady thinks you’re a midget.”

    Not Exactly Driving Home His Point

    | Syracuse, NY, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company]. May I have your name please?”

    Customer: “My bill is too high. I don’t understand why I owe you so much money. I took a bunch of stuff off my policy to lower my bill.”

    Me: “Well I’m sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Give me just one moment to review your policy.”

    (I place him on hold for a minute and see that the 19 year old kid has received two speeding tickets in less than three months.)

    Me: “I see the reason for the increase is that you received two speeding tickets the second half of last year that is impacting your premium.”

    Customer: “Fine! Then I request cancellation!”

    Me: “Ok. I’ll need to get you in touch with your local agent so that they can assist you with replacing the policy. Let me give you the number in case I lose you in the transfer.”

    Customer: “Well give me a minute. You are going to have to talk slowly. I’m driving down the road and need to write this down.”

    Idiots Will Leave Behind A Tell-Tale Signature

    | Plainville, CT, USA |

    (I am a cashier finishing up with a customer. I gesture for him to sign the electronic pad when paying by card.)

    Me: “Okay, please go ahead and sign the pad.”

    (Customer takes out an ink pen and proceeds to get ink all over the electronic pad.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that won’t work. You need to use the electronic pen.”

    Customer: *suddenly realizing* “Oh, I’m sorry! Look at what I did! Will this come out?”

    (Before I can answer, he attempts to erase the ink several times by pushing the “clear” button.)

    Customer: “Doesn’t look like it’ll come out…”

    Double The Pictures, Half The Brain

    | Mexico City, Mexico |

    (I am giving information about documents students need to bring to their university interview.)

    Me: “We’ll need you to bring your birth certificate, an ID, your high school diploma and 8 black and white photos for your file.”

    Customer: “Eight photos? How?”

    Me: “Yes, 8 black and white photos.”

    Customer: “You mean 4 black and 4 white?”

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