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    But Who Gets To Keep The Charger?

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (The customer calls in, having trouble with the bluetooth in her vehicle.)

    Me: “Thank You for calling ***, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I am having trouble with my bluetooth thing.”

    Me: “I can definitely help you with that. What is the nature of your problem?”

    Customer: “I need help marrying my phone back with my car. When I bought the car they were married, and somehow they got divorced.”

    Hell Hath No Fury Like A Pregnant Woman Scorned

    | New Jersey, USA | Top

    (A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Customer: “Can you break a $100 bill?”

    Me: “Actually, I can’t. We just opened and I haven’t gone to the bank today.”

    Customer: “Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!”

    (At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he’s buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)

    Me: “Sir, these aren’t for you, are they?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Did your pregnant wife send you out at 8 in the morning to buy this candy?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you’re in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!”

    (The customer bolts out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)

    This Vacation Is All Downhill From Here

    | New York, USA |

    (Note: this is in summer when the customer comes in.)

    Customer: “I would like to buy three ski passes for today.”

    Me: “Miss, it’s 90 out and the snow melted months ago.”

    Customer: “But I thought you guys made it?”

    Harry & Ginny: The Golden Years

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    (A man walks up to my register with his wife, they have a few items, one of which is a broom.)

    Me: “How are you guys today?”

    Husband: “Oh, we’re good.”

    (The husband takes the broom and places it on counter, then stares at his wife).

    Wife: “What?”

    Husband: “Are you sure you’re going to fit on this?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Not So Sharp

    | Waterford, Ireland |

    (I’m a tour guide at a crystal factory, and have just ended a speech about how crystal is made.)

    Tourist #1: “If I keep some liquor in my crystal decanter will I get lead poisoning?”

    Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. It would take well over 100 years before any of the lead in the crystal would permeate into the liquid.”

    Tourist #2: “Hey, if I eat the crystal, will I die from lead poisoning?”

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