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    Random Acts Of Wetness

    | Eau Claire, WI, USA |

    (I work at a convenience store with an automatic car wash that’s located in a seedy part of town. One day, a man walks in wearing a pure white t-shirt and jeans, both liberally smeared with his own feces.)

    Man: “Help! Help! Man, you gotta come help!”

    Me: “Are you okay? Do you need me to call an ambulance for you or something?”

    Man: “No! You gotta get out here?”

    Me: “What’s wrong? Do I need to call the cops?”

    Man: “No! In the car wash! You gotta help!”

    (I go outside to the car wash when a little old lady–completely soaking wet–bumps into me and shoves her car keys in my hand.)

    Little old lady: “You go! You wash car!”

    (As I walk into the car wash, I see that she missed the wheel guides when she drove in.)

    Me: “What–”

    Little old lady: “You wash d*** car now, please!”

    (I take her keys and get her car in the wash correctly. About halfway through the five-minute cycle, I realize that I just left the store unattended and begin thinking the worst. Finally, the wash is done and I drive around to the front of the store. I’m surprised to see the soaking wet lady standing in front of the entrance with her arms spread wide, blocking anyone from entering. There’s a line of about a dozen customers in front of her that stretches down the sidewalk. I get out and give her back her keys.)

    Little old lady: “Thank you! You nice young man!”

    First customer in line after the lady: “What the h*** just happened?!”

    (As for the man covered in feces, I later found out that there was nothing wrong with him besides the fact that he routinely gets so drunk that he craps himself.)

    Inn-Experienced

    | Illinois, USA |

    Me: “Hello, [hotel name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need to cancel my reservation for tonight.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we require 24 hour notice for all cancellations.”

    Customer: “Well it’s an emergency! My daughter got sick and we
    had to stay home!”

    (I glance down at the caller ID and see that this phone call is coming from a competing hotel across town.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. I’ll cancel it for you due to this emergency situation.”

    (Ten minutes pass, and I call the other hotel and ask to be connected to the guy’s room.)

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello sir, this is [name] from [hotel]. I just wanted to call you back with your cancellation number and to wish your daughter a speedy recovery.”

    Customer: *stammering* “How did you get this number? Are
    you following me?!”

    The Secret Language Of Customers

    , | Long Island, NY, USA |

    (An elderly customer approaches me while I make the rounds at the computer store.)

    Customer: “Hello, young man! I would like one of those things…” *points to a laptop on display*

    Me: “Sure thing! I have a couple of questions. What do you think you will mainly use it for?”

    Customer: “Oh, I want to send screen mail.”

    Me: “You mean email?”

    Customer: “No! Screen mail!”

    (Just as she says this, my supervisor walks up.)

    Supervisor: “Oh, screen mail!”

    Customer: “Yes, see? This young fellow gets it!”

    (My supervisor points to a deli across the street)

    Supervisor: “They sell screen mail over there.”

    (She leaves and promptly returns after 20 minutes.)

    Customer: “Thank you!” *holds up a bag of potato chips* “I got them!”

    Never Too Sick To Complain

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [clinic]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I got this herbal colon cleanser from you. Does it have pork in it? I don’t eat pork, so I can’t have it if it has pork.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m not sure, but since it is an herbal supplement I would assume it has no pork. If you are really concerned, you can call the number on the bottle and ask them. I’m looking at the bottle and it says 100% vegan.”

    Customer: “Well, I can’t call the company. I’m sick! I’m so sick, I can’t use a phone!”

    Me: “Well, it says vegan on the bottle, but I can call the company myself if you want.”

    Customer: “Well, DO IT! I’m a sick lady, and I don’t do pork!”

    (I call the company and find out the supplement has no pork. I call the customer back.)

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. There are no pork or animal products in this supplement.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t really care! I’m too sick to care! I can’t poop!” *hangs up*

    SIMBY: Snots In My Back Yard

    | Chicagoland, IL, USA |

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, I live across the street from you guys on *** street, and there is a lot of litter on your property near where I live. I’m feeling very threatened by it! It’s bringing the property values down and attracting the wrong kind of people.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll call Buildings and Grounds and have them go out and check for it.”

    Caller: “Thank you, because it’s really threatening!”

    Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”

    (The caller hangs up and I call over to Buildings and Grounds, who agrees to look into it. Immediately after I hang up with them, my phone starts ringing again.)

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, it’s me again. I just called you.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I called Buildings and Grounds and they’re going out to look for the litter.”

    Caller: “Oh, good. I just called to tell you that there’s a group of little people out there and I think they might be responsible for the litter.”

    Me: “…little people?”

    Caller: “Yeah, there’s a big group of them. It’s a problem!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. I will go out and see what’s up.”

    (When I arrive at the location, what do I find? Teachers, parents, and a videographer watching a group of kids foraging through the grass: it was an Easter egg hunt by the on-campus day care center.)

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