Not Always Right on Facebook Not Always Right on Twitter Not Always Right Unfiltered on Tumblr
Featured Story:
  • Got Him Out Of A Pickle
    (3,171 thumbs up)
  • October Theme Of The Month: Coupon Complications!
    Submit your story today!

    When Open Source Meets Closed Minds

    , | California, USA |

    Caller: “I need to report a very serious computer crime! The local university is running an illegal computer system!”

    Me: “Could you please repeat that?”

    Caller: “The local university is running an illegal computer system! They’ve hacked it!”

    Me: “How could you tell they’d hacked it?”

    Caller: “Well, when it booted, it didn’t say Windows or Microsoft or anything! It said something about Deviant Linux, I think, and the main screen looked nothing like my good, legal Windows screen at home! I think they hacked that, too!”

    Me: “Do you mean Debian Linux?”

    Caller: “Yes, that! Is it some sort of computer mafia or something?”

    Me: “Uh, no, it’s just a different operating system. Nothing to worry about.”

    Caller: “But it’s illegal! It’s not Microsoft, not even Windows! They’re on a normal Microsoft computer, so they’re breaking the law! I think they stole my identity when I came in the building! I’m calling the FBI!” *hangs up*

    I Can Hear Clearly Now The Brain Is Gone

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (A man claiming to be our hotel guest’s boss calls our front desk several times, claiming that the guest won’t return his calls. I ring the hotel guest to let her know the situation.)

    Me: “Hello! I received a few phone calls from a Mr. *** asking you to call him back immediately.”

    Hotel guest: “Oh, Mr. ***? I don’t know a Mr. ****.”

    Me: “Oh, okay. I’m sorry to bother you. I will ask him to stop calling.”

    Hotel guest: “Well, what was his name again?”

    Me: “Mr. ***.”

    Hotel guest: “Was he tall?”

    Me: “Ma’am, he was on the phone.”

    Hotel guest: “You didn’t notice if he was tall or not? That doesn’t help me at all.”

    Me: “Very sorry, ma’am. I will try to get a better look at him next time he calls.”

    Hotel guest: “Thank you so much dear!” *hangs up*

    Related:
    I Can See Clearly Now The Brain Is Gone

    A Very, Very Happy Anniversary

    | Illinois, USA |

    (A man walks into the smoke shop and looks around at the acrylic bongs.)

    Customer: “I’ll take the blue one.”

    Me: “No problem.”

    (He pays then leaves. About an hour later, he returns looking distressed.)

    Customer: “Something’s wrong with this vase you sold me. I bought this vase for my wife for our anniversary. But the roses I bought won’t fit in it!”

    Me: “Sir, that is not a vase. It’s a bong.”

    Customer: “What?! Why would you sell bongs in a vase shop?! I have a bunch of people coming over and this was going to be the center piece!”

    Me: “This is a smoke shop, sir. Not a vase shop. Would you like to return the bong for a refund?”

    Customer: *thinks for a moment* “No. On second thought, I think I’ll find some use for it…”

    Driving Miss Ditzy

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. Would you like me to take your groceries to your car?”

    Customer: “…into MY car?”

    Me: “Yes, I can do that for you.”

    Customer: “You want a lift in my car!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I can take your groceries to your car for you and return the trolley.”

    Customer: “But I still have groceries in my trolley! You can’t take my trolley yet! I’m not done!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you want to do it yourself, that’s fine.”

    Customer: “Wait! I need help!”

    Me: “Alright, where did you park your car?”

    Customer: “Hold on! Why the h*** do you need to know where my car is?”

    Me: “So I can put your things in there.”

    Customer: “No, this doesn’t sound right. I’m onto you!”

    (The customer shuffles away with her trolley, periodically turning around to look at me suspiciously.)

    Fast, Furious, And Fined

    | Cadillac, MI, USA |

    (I’m a police officer and have just pulled over a driver for speeding.)

    Me: “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?”

    Driver: “Yes…I was speeding.”

    Me: “Ah, so you know you were speeding.”

    Driver: “Yes, but I’ve got a movie due back in eight minutes!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but that’s not a real reason to be speeding–”

    Driver: “Well, fine! You pay the one dollar late fee!”

    Page 1,625/2,155First...1,6231,6241,6251,6261,627...Last