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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Those Are My Stories And I’m Sticking To Them

    , | Grand Rapids, MI, USA |

    (My coworker and I are talking to each other at the counter of our restaurant when a customer comes up.)

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I ordered a medium pizza, but I wanted a small.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Do you need a box for the extra pizza?”

    Customer: “No. I ordered a large pizza, but you brought me a medium.”

    (A little confused, I glance at my coworker. She glances back at me with the same confused look.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am…would you like me to put a small pizza in so that you have more pizza?”

    Customer: “No! I ordered a medium pizza, and you brought me a medium pizza! But don’t worry, I’m not mad at you.”

    (At this point, both my coworker and I are too confused to know what to say, so we just look back at the customer.)

    Customer: “I know! Sometimes my dog can be distracting!” *walks away*

    Me and coworker: *still confused*

    They Call Me Doctor DIY

    , , | New Jersey, USA |

    (We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

    Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

    Me: “Clockwise.”

    Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

    Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise…to the right.”

    Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

    Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

    Doctor: “Okay, I think i got it.”

    Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

    Doctor: “What was that?”

    Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

    Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

    Me: “Great. All finished?”

    (The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

    Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

    Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you doctor.”

    Patty And Selma Go Cruising

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    (Back when I was about seven years old, I used to have a lemonade stand. One day, these female customers in their late 40s drove up.)

    Me: “Hi! Would you like to try some home-made lemonade? Only a dollar!”

    Customer #1: “I’ll only have some if you have whiskey in it!”

    Me: “Um, I don’t have any whiskey.”

    Customer #2: “WE WANT WHISKEY!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any whiskey.”

    Customer #1: “Well, if you don’t have any whiskey, we are leaving!” *drives off*

    When Super-Sized Burgers Meet Bite-Sized Brains

    , | NSW, Australia | Food & Drink

    (At the fast food restaurant where I work, we’ve just introduced a burger that is very large. Three customers come into the store…)

    Customer #1: “Can I get that new burger?”

    Me: “Sure, would you like anything else?”

    Customer #2: “Oh my God! You’re getting the new burger?!”

    Customer #1: “Yeah!”

    Customer #2, to me: “Hey, would that burger fit in my mouth?” *opens his mouth wide*

    Me: “No, sir. I seriously believe it won’t.”

    Customer #2: “What about now?” *opens bigger*

    Me: “No, sir.”

    Customer #2: “NOW?” *opens it as large as he possibly can*

    Me: “No.”

    Customer #3: “I apologise for his small mouth.” *hits the second customer on the head*

    Me: “That’s okay.”

    Customer #3: “So, would it fit in mine?” *opens mouth*

    Me: “No it won’t, sir…”

    Now I (Don’t) Know My ABCs

    | USA |

    (I am assisting a customer in creating a dialup connection on his computer. We’re up to the part where he enters his password. We’ve entered a few letters, when we come to one that is a bit troublesome.)

    Me: “The next letter is ‘T’, as in Tom.”

    Customer: “Z?”

    Me: “‘T’, as in Tom.”

    Customer: “I’m not hearing that letter.”

    Me: “It’s a letter ‘T’ as in Thomas.”

    Customer: “P?”

    Me: “A letter ‘T’, as in Thomas, as in ‘taste’, as in…”

    Customer: “I’m still not hearing the letter.”

    Me: “Okay, the letter in the alphabet that comes after ‘S’ as in
    salamander.”

    (Customer pauses for about 5 seconds.)

    Customer: “L?”

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