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    Reaching New Heights Of Stupidity

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    (I am on the beginner chairlift with two of my adult students.)

    Customer: “So, when does the mountain close?”

    Me: “We stay open until there is no snow left. This year, the guess is late April.”

    Customer: “So, it’s open past daylight-savings time?”

    Me: “Yes, it is. How is daylight-savings time related to the mountain being open?”

    Customer: “Well, with that extra hour of sunlight, the snow must melt extra fast!”

    A Major Problem With A Minor Request

    | Brooklyn, NY, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, [bookstore]!”

    Caller: “Hi, I have to do a project where I read to kids and they respond. Do you have that?”

    Me: “You need a book to read to them? Sure! We have plenty of children’s books.”

    Caller: “No, I need to read to kids and have them respond.”

    Me: “Right, we have plenty of books you could chose from to read to them.”

    Caller: “No, I need to read to kids and have them respond.”

    Me: “So what exactly is it that you need from us?”

    Caller: “Can I do that there?”

    Me: “Well, we don’t provide the children.”

    Caller: *disappointed* “Oh, okay. Bye.”

    Much A-Brew About Nothing

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (A customer orders a Nestea iced tea, the label of which covers most of the midsection of the bottle.)

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “I’ll have you know that this iced tea is a ripoff.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “Well, I hardly drank any, and the tea is already down to the bottom!”

    (He points to the tea visible at the bottom of the bottle.)

    Customer: “This is an outrage! I demand a refund or a refill.”

    Me: “Sir, just because you can’t see it, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.”

    Customer: “What the h*** is that supposed to mean?”

    Me: “It means that the rest of the tea is hidden by the label.”

    Customer: “Oh. Thanks.”

    Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Maps

    | Brookfield, IL, USA |

    (Two customers are in my line to buy some bottle water. I can clearly tell from their accents that they are from another country.)

    Me: “That will be five dollars, please. And may I ask where are you from?”

    Customer: “Sure mate. We are from Scotland.”

    Me: “Oh, nice. I hope you enjoy your visit to America–”

    (A teenage kid nearby overhears us and interrupts.)

    Teenage kid: “You better, seeing how we saved your a** in the Korean War!” *storms off*

    (My two customers exchange glances, shake their heads, and look back at me)

    Customer: “I love America.”

    Not Seeing The Forest For The Greasy Trees

    | Birmingham, AL, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m working the concession stand, and a customer has just ordered a jumbo popcorn.)

    Customer: “Is that real butter in the squirty thing?”

    Me: “It’s vegetable oil with artificial butter flavoring.”

    Customer: “Okay, gimme some of that.”

    Me: *squirting some butter* “There you go. Can I get you anything else?”

    Customer: “Little more, please?”

    Me: *squirt* “How’s that?”

    Customer: “Keep going. I’ll say when.”

    (I keep squirting until there’s about two inches of yellow oil in the bottom of the tub. The popcorn is starting to float out the top.)

    Customer: “Okay, that’s good.”

    Me: “Alright, then. Is there anything else you’d like today?”

    Customer: “Lemme have a Diet Coke. A small one. I’m trying to watch my weight.”

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