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    Never Too Sick To Complain

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [clinic]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I got this herbal colon cleanser from you. Does it have pork in it? I don’t eat pork, so I can’t have it if it has pork.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m not sure, but since it is an herbal supplement I would assume it has no pork. If you are really concerned, you can call the number on the bottle and ask them. I’m looking at the bottle and it says 100% vegan.”

    Customer: “Well, I can’t call the company. I’m sick! I’m so sick, I can’t use a phone!”

    Me: “Well, it says vegan on the bottle, but I can call the company myself if you want.”

    Customer: “Well, DO IT! I’m a sick lady, and I don’t do pork!”

    (I call the company and find out the supplement has no pork. I call the customer back.)

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. There are no pork or animal products in this supplement.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t really care! I’m too sick to care! I can’t poop!” *hangs up*

    SIMBY: Snots In My Back Yard

    | Chicagoland, IL, USA |

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, I live across the street from you guys on *** street, and there is a lot of litter on your property near where I live. I’m feeling very threatened by it! It’s bringing the property values down and attracting the wrong kind of people.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll call Buildings and Grounds and have them go out and check for it.”

    Caller: “Thank you, because it’s really threatening!”

    Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”

    (The caller hangs up and I call over to Buildings and Grounds, who agrees to look into it. Immediately after I hang up with them, my phone starts ringing again.)

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, it’s me again. I just called you.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I called Buildings and Grounds and they’re going out to look for the litter.”

    Caller: “Oh, good. I just called to tell you that there’s a group of little people out there and I think they might be responsible for the litter.”

    Me: “…little people?”

    Caller: “Yeah, there’s a big group of them. It’s a problem!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. I will go out and see what’s up.”

    (When I arrive at the location, what do I find? Teachers, parents, and a videographer watching a group of kids foraging through the grass: it was an Easter egg hunt by the on-campus day care center.)

    Paid In Fool

    | Vancouver, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cell phone provider]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I was just wondering if you’d gotten my payment?”

    Me: “It doesn’t look like we have. May I ask how you paid?”

    Customer: “I went to one of your stores two months ago just as they were closing up. A guy was walking out of the store and I asked if he worked there, so I gave him an envelope with my payment and telephone number written on it. He said he’d give it to his manager the next day.”

    Me: “Did you go back to the store to find out what happened?”

    Customer: “Yah, they said that no one matching the description I gave them worked there! So…is there any way you could adjust that charge?”

    You’ll Need Special 2D Glasses, Though

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (At the zoo where I work, I’m answering questions from a group of tourists from Connecticut.)

    Tourist: “So, do you all say ‘eh’ in Canada?”

    Me: “Not too much, really. Maybe they say it a bit more out east.”

    Tourist: “Canada has an EAST?!”

    More Leftovers, Less Landfill

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    (I work for the city government and received this call the day after Halloween.)

    Customer: “The garbage collectors didn’t take all my garbage this morning. They left my pumpkin.”

    Me: “Well, sir, where did you leave the pumpkin for collection?”

    Customer: “In my recycling bin.”

    Me: “Well, that’s why they didn’t take it. You need to put it in your garbage can.”

    Customer: “But you can recycle a pumpkin!”

    Me: “Sir, what do you think they are going to recycle your pumpkin into?”

    Customer: “PIE!”

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