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    Can’t Take A Hint (Or A Leak)

    | Westbrook, CT, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, the bathroom door is locked and I can’t get it open. Do you have the key?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. If the door is locked, that means someone is using it.”

    Customer: “Is there a way to make sure?”

    Me: “Did you knock?”

    Customer: “Yeah, and whoever is in there keeps yelling at me that they’ll be right out!”

    Lost In Translation

    | Avon, IN, USA | Bizarre

    (I’m a host at a restaurant and am talking to a customer after ringing them out.)

    Customer: “So, are you in high school?”

    Me: “No, I’m in college.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s great! What do you want to do with your degree?”

    Me: “Well, I’m majoring in history. I want to get a Ph.D. and be a professor.”

    Customer: “Oh, you shouldn’t do that. You should be an air traffic controller!”

    Me: “Um…I don’t know if that’s the right job for me. It would be a little too stressful.”

    Customer: “But you know what the worst job in the world is?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “Translator.”

    Me: “A translator? Why?”

    Customer: “Because the government kills them.”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “It’s true, my husband was in the Navy for 35 years, and after secret meetings the translators knew too much, so they would take them out back and shoot them.”

    Me: “Oh. Wow, that’s…terrible. I guess I won’t be a translator then.”

    Customer: “Good. Remember, become an air traffic controller!”

    Stuck In Reverse

    | Loudon, NH, USA |

    (Note: I am a woman that works at a convenience store nearby a motor speedway.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Male customer: “No, the only thing left I need is someone to tell me who is in which car racing today. You wouldn’t know anything about that.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but why wouldn’t I know anything about the race?”

    Male customer: “Well, ’cause you’re a woman!”

    Me: “Okay, sir, so what you’re saying is because I’m a woman I can’t possibly know anything about Jeff Gordon in 24, Ryan Newman in 39, or Tony Stewart in 14. Did I miss anyone that you were particularly interested in?”

    Male customer: “Umm…no?”

    Me: “Okay, then. Thank you and come again!”

    (The customer looks down, takes his items, and walks out of the store. The next customer is also male.)

    Next Customer: “So, what do you think about Stewarts’ chances this race?”

    You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number

    | Chatsworth, CA, USA | Top

    (Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

    Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

    Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

    Me: “Adult websites.”

    Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”

    Golden Rule, Meet Golden Bulldozer

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Top

    (I work for the city and am repairing potholes in a residential neighborhood. Suddenly, a resident comes running out in his bathrobe.)

    Resident: “Hey! What the h*** do you guys think you’re doing?!”

    Me: “We’re fixing these potholes, sir.”

    Resident: “You guys can’t be here! You did not clear this with the homeowner’s association!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m with the city and we don’t have to clear these repairs with any association.”

    Resident: “Like h*** you don’t!”

    Me: “Please step back sir. I have to continue working and you are too close to the job site.”

    (The resident runs back into his house and comes back out with a small bucket of yellow paint. Before we can stop him, he starts painting the dings and scratches on our bulldozer.)

    Me: “What are you doing, sir?!”

    Resident: “If you don’t have to clear repairs with us, then I guess I don’t have to clear repairs with the city!”

    Me: “Sir, that color paint is not the same as the paint job on the equipment. Plus, you are now defacing this equipment. I will call the police if you don’t stop!”

    Resident: “F*** off, you f***ing lemming!”

    Me: “That’s it, I’m calling the police!”

    (By the time the police show up, all his neighbors have come outside to watch the commotion. Things only go downhill from there, as he ends up getting charged with three counts: defacing public property, resisting arrest and assault on a peace officer.)

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