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    Think On Your Feet

    | Brighton, UK |

    (A customer comes up to customer services.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return these shoes.”

    Me: “Okay, then.”

    (I wait expectantly, but the customer does nothing.)

    Me: “Where are they?”

    Customer: “I’m still wearing them.”

    Home Is Where The Brain Isn’t

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    (A guest picks up the house phone in the hallway. The call goes directly to the front desk.)

    Me: “Front desk, how may I help you?”

    Guest: *confused and disappointed* “Oh. The sign said ‘house phone’. I thought it would…um…call my house.”

    Me: *seriously dumbfounded*

    Guest: “I guess not.” *click*

    Failing The Bar

    | Lancaster, England, UK |

    (A customer is buying drinks for him and his friends.)

    Me: “£12.60, please.”

    Customer: “Can I put that on the tab?”

    Me: “Sure, what name is the tab in?”

    Customer: “I don’t care.”

    A Gluten For Punishment

    | AL, USA |

    (A powerful storm has ripped through the state. The power has gone out. I have a rack of bread stuck in the oven with no way of removing it without power.)

    Customer: “Do you have any hot bread?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. It’s stuck in the oven and the power is off.”

    Customer: “Can’t you just open it?”

    Me: “Not with the way our ovens rotate. There’s no way to get the bread off the rack.”

    Customer: “Can’t you just reach in and grab one for me?”

    Me: “Not without horribly burning myself.”

    Customer: “Would you mind trying?”

    How To Create Characters

    | Bluefield, WV, USA |

    (A customer calls in to make a payment with his credit card. He is an older man, and is obviously having trouble reading the numbers.)

    Customer: “Let’s see. 1, H–”

    Me: “Sir? Did you say H?”

    Customer: “Yeah. H, 8–”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. There are no letters in a credit card number.”

    Customer: “Yeah there are. 1, H, 8, L…”

    (I try, just in case. I receive an error as soon as I type in the letter.)

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry, sir. It won’t accept letters.”

    Customer: “Well try again! 1, H, 8, L, 6…”

    *long pause*

    Customer: “Oh! I have this thing up-side-down!”

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