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    The Best Looks Come With No Brains

    | Pueblo, CO, USA |

    (I call waiting customers numbers when their food is ready. I notice a customer picks up the wrong item.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you accidentally picked up the wrong meal. This one is yours.”

    Customer 1: “Oh, I know. This one looked better.”

    (The customer walks off with wrong meal.)

    Customer 2: “Excuse me, did she just take my food?”

    Me: “Well, actually yes. I’m really sorry about that, I tried to tell her and she wouldn’t listen.”

    Customer 2: “Well, I don’t blame her. My food looked way better.”

    Rebuilding Frankenstein

    | New England, USA |

    Customer: “Can you help me find to “Frankenstein” trilogy by James Patterson?”

    Me: “Sir, I think maybe you mean Dean Koontz.”

    Customer: “No. Patterson wrote it.”

    Me: “OK, one moment, let me get that for you.”

    (I return with the first book of Dean Koontz’s Frankenstein trilogy).)

    Me: “Is this what you wanted?”

    Customer: “Yeah. That’s the one. I need the fourth book in the trilogy.”

    Me: “I believe there are only three books in the trilogy.”

    Customer: “No, I read online. There are four.”

    Me: “Alright. One minute, please.”

    (I return with the third book in the trilogy.)

    Me: “Is this what you needed?”

    Customer: “Yeah. That’s it. Have you read these?”

    Me: “Yes I have. I thought they were a wonderful re-imagining of Mary Shelley. I really enjoyed Koontz’s ideas about the monster.”

    Customer: “Yeah but he didn’t even put Frankenstein in the books. Just some scientist guy. What kind of a name is Victor anyway?”

    Re-Vamping Dracula

    When Facts Are Not Immediately A-Parent

    | Penarth, South Glamorgan, Wales, UK. |

    (I am working behind the counter. The only other people in the shop are a woman and a small boy. The boy is rushing about, shouting and being boisterous. This goes on for several minutes.)

    Customer: “Why don’t you tell that child to stop running around?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought he was with you.”

    Customer: “He is.”

    Putting The Spa In Spay

    | Corona, CA, USA |

    (A customer brings in his dog for a spay.)

    Customer: “While she’s out, can you trim her nails? They’re getting real long.”

    Me: “Of course, sir. We give all patients under anesthesia a complimentary nail trim.”

    Customer: “Oh, you do? Would you give me a free pedicure, too?”

    Me: “Uhm…”

    Customer: “How about a massage?”

    Innocence Lost

    | Cape Cod |

    Me: “[Company], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yea, I need you guys to work on my car’s transmission. How much?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we don’t work on cars here, we print things.”

    Caller: “But…but I Googled [company] and I got you guys.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, Google was wrong. I don’t know how we got on there.”

    Caller: “But I Googled you! You have to do it!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have copiers here, not a garage. Try the yellow pages?”

    Caller: *sounding very betrayed* “I can’t believe I Googled you.”

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