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    SIMBY: Snots In My Back Yard

    | Chicagoland, IL, USA |

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, I live across the street from you guys on *** street, and there is a lot of litter on your property near where I live. I’m feeling very threatened by it! It’s bringing the property values down and attracting the wrong kind of people.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll call Buildings and Grounds and have them go out and check for it.”

    Caller: “Thank you, because it’s really threatening!”

    Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”

    (The caller hangs up and I call over to Buildings and Grounds, who agrees to look into it. Immediately after I hang up with them, my phone starts ringing again.)

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, it’s me again. I just called you.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I called Buildings and Grounds and they’re going out to look for the litter.”

    Caller: “Oh, good. I just called to tell you that there’s a group of little people out there and I think they might be responsible for the litter.”

    Me: “…little people?”

    Caller: “Yeah, there’s a big group of them. It’s a problem!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. I will go out and see what’s up.”

    (When I arrive at the location, what do I find? Teachers, parents, and a videographer watching a group of kids foraging through the grass: it was an Easter egg hunt by the on-campus day care center.)

    Paid In Fool

    | Vancouver, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cell phone provider]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I was just wondering if you’d gotten my payment?”

    Me: “It doesn’t look like we have. May I ask how you paid?”

    Customer: “I went to one of your stores two months ago just as they were closing up. A guy was walking out of the store and I asked if he worked there, so I gave him an envelope with my payment and telephone number written on it. He said he’d give it to his manager the next day.”

    Me: “Did you go back to the store to find out what happened?”

    Customer: “Yah, they said that no one matching the description I gave them worked there! So…is there any way you could adjust that charge?”

    You’ll Need Special 2D Glasses, Though

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (At the zoo where I work, I’m answering questions from a group of tourists from Connecticut.)

    Tourist: “So, do you all say ‘eh’ in Canada?”

    Me: “Not too much, really. Maybe they say it a bit more out east.”

    Tourist: “Canada has an EAST?!”

    More Leftovers, Less Landfill

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    (I work for the city government and received this call the day after Halloween.)

    Customer: “The garbage collectors didn’t take all my garbage this morning. They left my pumpkin.”

    Me: “Well, sir, where did you leave the pumpkin for collection?”

    Customer: “In my recycling bin.”

    Me: “Well, that’s why they didn’t take it. You need to put it in your garbage can.”

    Customer: “But you can recycle a pumpkin!”

    Me: “Sir, what do you think they are going to recycle your pumpkin into?”

    Customer: “PIE!”

    Beware The Jabberwacky

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I canna ammas farl a mara amas mitt.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t quite understand that.”

    Caller: “I camo olives for all a moron all this spit.”

    Me: “I do apologize, but I’m not able to understand you still.”

    Caller: “I….can’t…apollo…ferrari…a moral…on…this…day!!”

    Me: “Sir, I can hear you, but I can not understand what it is that you are trying to tell me.”

    Caller: “You speak Englits?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I speak English.”

    Caller: “No! I said, you speak it?”

    Me: “Yes, I do speak English, sir.”

    Caller: “No you don’t! Give me somebody who speaks Englits!”

    Me: “Well, I can understand you a bit more clearly now. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “You gotta following a part a nards and fall away with ye?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t understand you again.”

    Caller: “THEN YOU DON’T SPEAK ENGLITS, YOU FARCHMAN!” *click*

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