A Liberal In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush

| Mountain View, CA, USA | Politics

(While I’m working, a woman comes up to rent a liberal leaning movie. In an attempt to make small talk, I mention that I’m not that into politics, but I really enjoy watching Rachel Maddow’s show on MSNBC.)

Customer: “Who is that?”

Me: “She’s a liberal newscaster.”

Customer: “Oh…well, I’d have to watch 2 hours of Fox just to make up for watching that! I don’t want to get unbalanced!”

A Dick By Any Other Name

| New Jersey, USA | Rude & Risque

Me: “May I have your name, please?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “When your order is ready to be collected, we call you by name.”

Customer: “I’m not giving you my name!”

Me: “Well, give me a name that we can refer to you by.”

Customer: “I’m not giving you my name!”

Me: “It doesn’t have to be your real name. I just need a name we can announce over the speaker so you know when to pick up your order.”

Customer: “Why would I respond to a name that’s not mine?”

Me: “Well, give us something that we can call you by.”

Customer: “Then, how would I remember that’s me?”

Me: “You can write it down.”

Customer: “Okay, call me Dick. I’m pretty sure I can remember that. I’ll be holding mine until you call.”

Dumb&Dumberest

| Alabama, USA | Technology

(I work at an IT helpdesk that supports store managers. A manager calls in about problems with their telephone system.)

Me: “Can you tell me what model equipment are you guys are using?”

Customer: “I don’t know what kind it is.”

Me: “Can you read me what the label says on unit?”

Customer: “It says A…T…something in Chinese…and another T.”

Me: “Chinese?”

Customer: “I’m gonna unplug it.”

Me: “No, wait. Don’t–” *call disconnects*

(Since he disconnected his entire telephone system, we couldn’t contact the store and had to drive down to talk to them personally. We ended up having to hire a 3rd party tech to go out and plug that device back in and reconfigure the entire system. Apparently, they don’t have the ampersand in Alabama.)

Useless By Proxy

| Detroit, MI, USA | Technology

(A customer calls for a replacement MP3 player due to a manufacturer defect.)

Me: “I’d be happy to set up a replacement for you. May I have the email address that the device is registered to?”

Customer: “It’s my boyfriend’s. I don’t know the email address.”

Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with the MP3 player?”

Customer: “I don’t know. It just needs to be replaced.”

Me: “Sure. What address do you want it shipped to?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Would you like to have your boyfriend give us a call when he is ready to set up the replacement?”

Customer: “Oh, no. He doesn’t know what he’s doing!”

Wake Up And Smell The Snooty

| New York, NY, USA | Food & Drink, Top

(I wait tables in a very upscale restaurant in Manhattan. Most of our clientele makes more money in one year than I’ll ever see in my lifetime. This sometimes leads to customers forgetting that the world does not revolve around them. This particular Saturday night, I have a rather rude couple whom I cannot seem to please, and to top it off, I am not exactly feeling well. I have epilepsy, and as we are extremely busy, my boss has me on a light work load for the night and wants me to take it easy.)

Customer: *shouting across the restaurant* “Waiter! Waiter! My wife and I are ready to order and we were sat five minutes ago already!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we’re a little busy tonight. What can I get for you two this evening?”

Customer: “Just get us each a glass of your house wine. We’re not ready to order our entrees yet.”

(As the next half-hour progresses, I feel worse and worse until I start to see auras. They’re usually my only warning that I’m about to have a seizure within the next 30 seconds. This happens as I’m carrying out the tray of food for the lovely couple. The last thing I remember is slamming the tray down on the nearest table. The next thing I am aware of is some angry shouting.)

Customer: “I pay good money for my food and this little s*** drops it all over the place! I demand at least some compensation! He knows I have money. He just did it to garner sympathy for an extra tip!”

Boss: “Sir, with all due respect, he has epilepsy and the paramedics are on their way. Anyway, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t fake a seizure, urinate himself, and slice his face open on broken glass on purpose, all for an extra $20. I’m sorry that you’re upset, but we have to take care of the situation at hand first and then we can solve whatever problems remain.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! He has ruined my experience and traumatized my wife!”

(Paramedics arrive, check me over, lift me onto a gurney. Meanwhile, I am absolutely mortified, confused, and crying.)

Customer, to me: “You! I’ll remember your face! You’re a disgusting little money-grubbing runt, trying to garner sympathy from the poor customers in this restaurant! I’m never coming back here after this stunt you pulled. Unforgivable! ”

(He then storms out of the restaurant, dragging his wife behind him, whilst shouting out numerous colorful expletives.)

Related:
Wake Up And Smell The Fumes
Wake Up And Sell The Coffee
Wake Up And Sell The Coffee, Part 2

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