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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Tricky Customers Are Just Killer, Part 2

    | Brisbane, Australia | Top

    (I am sitting on a well known whale watching beach gathering data on migration numbers. I have a pair of binoculars.)

    Tourist: “When are you going to put up the flags?”

    Me: “Oh, no, I am not a lifesaver.”

    Tourist: “Of course you are, who else sits on a beach with binoculars?”

    Me: “Actually, I am recording how many whales go by.”

    Tourist: “Whales? There are no whales here. This is a swimming beach.”

    (I gesture to a pod of 6 whales passing around 50 meters away.)

    Tourist: “Oh my goodness, killer whales! My children are on the beach! They could come right out of the water and steal my children!”

    Me: “Um, no, they’re humpbacks. They eat tiny little fish and plankton. They can’t come up on the beach, so your children are safe.”

    Tourist: “Don’t you know about Moby Dick? He eats people alive. It’s true, it’s in The Bible!” *takes his children and leaves*

    Related:
    Tricky Customers Are Just Killer

    Brains Not Included

    | Newton, IA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. This is ***, can I get your account number?”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t have your service. I just have a question.”

    Me: “Okay, what is your question?”

    Caller: “My remote doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry about that, but we are an internet company and this is internet tech support.”

    Caller: “I know that, but why can’t you help me?”

    Me: “We don’t do anything with TVs.”

    Caller: “It’s not my TV. It’s my remote.”

    Me: “Your remote for your TV?”

    Caller: “No!”

    Me: “Your remote for what?”

    Caller: “My television!”

    Me: “Okay…well, we still can’t help you with that.”

    Caller: “This tech support is stupid! You are all stupid!”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

    Caller: “I wouldn’t if you fixed my remote. The buttons aren’t making the television change.”

    Me: “Have you tried changing out the batteries?”

    Caller: “What do you think I am, stupid, like you? Of course I didn’t do that! It would shut the remote off!” *hangs up*

    Doctor Sue

    | Manchester, UK | Top

    (I am selling a replica phone box from the popular show ‘Doctor Who’ on an online auction site. In the show the phone box is actually a time machine/spaceship. I put my number on there so people can call me.)

    Caller: “Hi, I was wondering about the replica phone box you are selling. Can it actually fly to other planets and go through time?”

    Me: “Afraid not. It’s a replica…it’s fake.”

    Caller: “Well, is it as big inside as in the show?”

    Me: “No, that’s impossible to do. It’s a TV show so it’s not real.”

    Caller: “What? You’re selling a replica? So it can’t fly to other planets and through time?”

    Me: “No one can make it like it is on the show. It’s impossible.”

    Caller: “Excuses, excuses! You lying b****!. I’m going to report you and sue!” *click*

    Jane Austinpocalypse

    | New Hampshire, USA |

    (A teenage customer and his girlfriend are at the checkout.)

    Customer: “Does the original Pride and Prejudice actually have zombies in it?”

    Me: “Um, no, but we have Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies, which has zombies.”

    Customer: “But the original Pride and Prejudice doesn’t have zombies? It’s like, a love story?”

    Me: “Yes. It was written in the 19th century. No zombies.”

    Customer, to girlfriend: “See, I told you so!”

    Blimey Guv’nor, This Magazine Is A Bloody Good Read

    | New Jersey, USA |

    Customer: “Where are the magazines?”

    Me: “Right here. If you have any questions, please ask.”

    Customer: “Um, what’s the difference between Cosmo and UK Cosmo?”

    Me: “Well, one is more expensive and it looks like they have different articles.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Do you know if UK Cosmo is written in an accent?”

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