(I wait tables at a sushi place. I’m currently serving two male customers.)

Customer #1: *to customer #2* “Look at her eyes. Just look at them!”

Customer #2: *to me* “Can I get a lunch combo?”

Me: “Of course.”

Customer #1: *to customer #2* “Did you not f***ing hear me? Look at her eyes!”

Customer #2: *to customer #1* “I did. They’re beautiful!”

Customer #1: *to me* “Can I have a lunch combo? Also, I love you!”

Me: “It sounds like the fireworks are just starting. I can hear them.”

Boy: “Good, that means we can go on the big ride next door! All the dumb people will watch the fireworks when they could be riding the—”

Boy’s Mother: *chiding her son* “Now, now, they’re not ‘dumb people.’ They’re ‘suckers.’”

(I am calling back a customer who had a 6-year-old TV with a cracked screen. Unfortunately, due to its age, we can no longer get parts for it.)

Me: “Hello, we’d like to let you know that unfortunately we are unable to repair your product. The parts are discontinued.”

Customer: “So, you can’t fix it?”

Me: “Correct.”

Customer: “So you can fix it?”

Me: “No, the parts are unavailable.”

Customer: “Can you order them?”

Me: “No, the parts are discontinued.”

Customer: “You can order them somewhere else, yes?”

Me: “No, we cannot fix this unit at all.”

Customer: “Does [brand name] carry the part?”

Me: “No, they don’t.”

Customer: “Okay, so you can get it fixed, right? Test it again?”

Me: “No, we cannot fix it.”

Customer: “So it can’t be fixed?”

Me: “It cannot be fixed, ever, unfortunately.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll call you back when it’s done!” *click*

(A customer comes over to the small cosmetic service station that I am posted at. All the while, she’s talking on her phone and sounds quite upset.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. What can I do for you today?”

Customer: *to phone* “Sorry, got go.” *hangs up*

Me: “Ma’am—”

Customer: “SHUT UP YOU, D*** HIPSTER!”

(Note: I’m wearing prescription Ray Bans and have a eyebrow piercing.)

Me: “Uhm—”

Customer: “You heard me the first time! Not another word! You probably don’t even need those glasses!”

(Without warning, the customer rips the glasses from my face. She throws them on the ground, shattering the lenses.)

Me: “Oh my God!”

Customer: “Look! You are fine!”

(My coworker comes over to see what all the commotion is about.)

Coworker: “What is going on?”

Customer: “This b**** was trying to look like a hipster!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, she actually needed those to see. Now get out before I call security!”

Customer: “F*** you! F***ing hipsters taking over!”

(Enraged, the customer grabs a makeup display, tips it over, and starts throwing around items from a nearby shelf. Security rushes over and takes her out of the store while she screams profanities. The total damage cost is over $200 worth of products, not including my glasses.)

(I’m working as operator for a computer repair shop.)

Customer: “I’d like to check on the status of my repair, please.”

(I look her up in our system and her computer has been ready for 48 days.)

Me: “Ma’am, your computer has been ready for 48 days.”

Customer: “I know! I forgot all about it. Today, my daughter asked about the computer. I was all, ‘What computer?’”

Me: “Well, if you could pick it up before the 21st, that would be great. Otherwise, we have to recycle it.”

Customer: “Don’t do that! I need my computer!”

Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. Today’s the 8th. You have some time.”

Customer: “But what if I forget?”

Me: “Please don’t!”

(We have a large television that plays about 8 different music videos on repeat and are usually some bubblegum pop bands.)

Customer: “Dear, you know that TV over there playing all of that music?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Customer: “IT MAKES ME WANT TO STAB SOMEONE!”

(A customer is looking through a book debunking apocalypse scares.)

Customer: “Wait, what do they mean the apocalypse hasn’t happened yet?!”

(I’m making coffee orders and bringing them to the end of the bar.)

Me: “Order ready! I have a tea, latte, and cappuccino.”

(I offer the order to the customer at the front of queue.)

Customer: “No, they aren’t mine. I ordered a latte, cappuccino, and tea!”