(I am checking out a customer and realize that one of the shirts he’s buying doesn’t have a barcode, so I ask a co-worker to find a similar shirt.)

Me: “Do you remember where you found this shirt?”

Customer: “It was on the clearance rack in the men’s department.”

Me: “Alright, my co-worker is looking for it, but it could take a while.”

Customer: “I don’t have time for that.”

Me: “Sorry, do you not want the shirt then?”

Customer: “I want the shirt.  I just don’t have time for her to find the dumb thing.”

Me: “Well, there’s really nothing I can do without a number.”

Customer: “Just type some random numbers in.”

Me: “That won’t work.”

Customer: “How do you know? You didn’t even try it.”

Me: “Because I know it won’t work.”

Customer: “Just try.”

(I type in twelve random numbers and press enter, then turn the screen toward him to show a bright red “not a valid number” message.)

Customer: “That’s because you didn’t type the right numbers!”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $85.49, ma’am.”

Customer: “I’ll be paying by cash, please.”

(I press cash and wait for her. Instead, the customer picks up the stylus attached to my card signature pad and taps it against the screen.)

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Just a moment. I’m waiting for the relevant screen to come up so I can sign my name.”

(The customer proceeds to viciously stab the stylus into the screen, then smacks the side of it with her hand.)

Me: “Umm, a signature isn’t required if you’re paying cash.”

Customer: “What? Oh, well then.”

(She fishes out her wallet and hands me a $100. I finish the transaction and am counting out her change when she picks up the stylus and begins stabbing the signature pad again.)

Customer: “Now it’s just gone back to displaying the store logo. Where’s the option for me to authorize the amount?”

Me: “A customer authorization is only required if you’re paying by debit, ma’am. You’ve already paid with cash so the transaction is finished.”

(As I hand over her change, she looks down at the signature pad again.)

Customer: “Well, can I still sign just to be sure you don’t charge me twice for this?”

Me: “Alright in order for me to see your screen, you have to select your region.”

Caller: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You need to select the United States on the map.”

Caller: “Why would you think I would know where that was on a map?!”

Me: “It’s just a standard world map.”

(The caller reads places’ names aloud as they hover their mouse over the map.)

Caller: “Asia…Africa…Russia…China…I don’t think it’s here.”

Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello. I want to go on holiday this summer. I’d like to visit somewhere a bit different.”

Me: “Would you be interested in visiting mountains or skiing at all?”

Customer: “That could be fun. Except I don’t like the cold.”

Me: “Well places like the Pyrenees are in Spain, so it’s very hot at ground level and there’s lots to see.”

Customer: “What? No, mountains are cold. They have snow on.”

Me: “Yes, the peaks are colder because they are at a higher altitude.”

Customer: “The bottom bit is hot?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “…but I thought mountains only grew in cold places?”

(I work at the local train station. Having spent half my life living in Los Angeles, and the other living in Tokyo, I speak both English and Japanese. The other station masters tend to bring tourists to me, since their English isn’t as good as mine. A tourist approaches me and speaks loudly, slowly, and with very large hand gestures)

Tourist: “I’m trying to get to [station]! Can you help me?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I actually grew up in Los Angeles, so I can speak English.”

Tourist: *still speaking in the same way* “No, I’m not from Los Angeles! I’m trying to get to [station]!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I just meant that I spent a lot of time in Los Angeles.”

Tourist: “No! Not Los Angeles! [Station]!”

(The woman’s husband, hearing his wife shouting, joins us.)

Tourist’s Husband: *to his wife* “What’s going on?”

Tourist: “This dumb guy keeps asking if we’re from Los Angeles!”

Tourist’s Husband: “Why would he think that?”

Tourist: “I don’t know!”

Tourist’s Husband: *to me, speaking clearly, but not extremely slowly* “We’re trying to get to [station].”

(I provide directions to the station.)

Tourist’s Husband: “You speak English very well!”

Me: “Thank you sir. As I tried to explain to your wife, I grew up in Los Angeles, so I speak English.”

Tourist’s Husband: *sighs* “I’m sorry you had to put up with her. Thanks for the directions.”

(As they are walking away, I hear the woman proudly tell her husband, “I told you those Japanese lessons we took would pay off!”)

(I work in a custom ceramics shop were we offer a touch-up/repainting service. A woman in a formal dress comes in with an armful of garden gnomes.)

Customer: “I need these gnomes to match this dress.”

Me: “Okay, we can do that. Do you mind if we take a picture for reference?”

Customer: “It’s for a wedding.”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Customer: “It’s this afternoon.”

Me: “This afternoon?”

Customer: “Yes, at three. What, did you think I just walked around dressed like this all the time?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we can’t help you. It would take the better part of a day just to paint all these little guys, and it takes at least three hours for the glaze to dry completely.”

Customer: “You don’t need to paint them! Just get them to change their little clothes!”

Me: “Ma’am, these are garden gnomes.”

Customer: “Exactly! Now, unfreeze them and make them change! I’m going to be late!”

Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I assist you?”

Caller: “I would like a gift card.”

Me: “You would like to purchase a gift card?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand. You said you wanted a gift card.”

Caller: “Well, yes. We’ve been shopping at your stores for so many years, we feel we should get a gift card from you.”

(I am taking calls for a charity.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [charity]. Are you calling this evening to make a donation?”

Caller: “Sure I will, but I want to talk to on of the famous people first.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that isn’t possible. However, if I take your donation, I’m sure that they will be grateful.”

Caller: “Well what row are you in? Can you wave to me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m not on TV. I’m in a call center that handles the excess calls from generous people like yourself.”

Caller: “Well just get up and tap [celebrity] on the shoulder! I’m sure he wouldn’t mind taking my call!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid I’m not in the studio at the moment.”

Caller: “Well, I’ll just call back I’m sure the next person will know some one famous! You should stop hogging all the famous people!”

Me: “Hey, how are you doing today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I put a stack of books on hold up here three weeks ago.”

Me: “Our policy states we can only hold books for 24 hours. So, there most likely not up here.”

Customer: “You were the girl that put them on hold. You told me you could hold them till I came back. Don’t you remember?”

Me: “Ma’am, I always let customers now about our 24 hour policy. We can’t hold their books for 3 weeks. I can get someone over here to help you find the books again if you’d like.”

Customer: “Well, what were they?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “What books did I put on hold!? That was three weeks ago. How the h*** am I suppose to remember?”

(A customer is about to get on the elevator and go upstairs with a soda.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but soda is not allowed upstairs. We have an area right under the stairs that you can sit and drink it or you will need to take it outside.”

Customer: “But I just bought it! You mean I can’t take it upstairs even if I’m not going to open it?”

Me: “No, ma’am. They just don’t allow it.”

Customer: “You mean I have to drink it? Well, I never would have bought it if I had known I was going to have to drink it!”