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    Going To Go Over Like A Lead Balloon

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Family & Kids

    (I am at a sale in a store when I hear this exchange:)

    Customer #1: *to Customer #2′s young son* “Aww, look, you’ve got a balloon!”

    Customer #2: “Yeah, I stole it from a display.”

    Not A Productive Conversation

    | KS, USA | Bizarre, Language & Words

    (We are a company that deals with international calls on a daily basis, though I personally don’t that often. I receive a call that goes directly to my phone, not through the main system.)

    Customer: *unintelligible Spanish*

    Me: “Hello? No hablo mucho español” *I don’t speak much Spanish*

    Customer: “Hello?” *unintelligible Spanglish*

    Me: “This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: *very thick accent* You speak English, yes?”

    Me: “Yes, I do.”

    Customer: “Then let’s speak English.”

    Me: “Sounds good! What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I had some questions.”

    Me: “Okay? Is this pertaining to [Product]?”

    Customer: “[Product]? Do you have a website?”

    Me: “Yeah! It’s [website]!”

    Customer: “Okay. okay. And you sell what again?”

    Me: [Product]. Did you need help with something?”

    Customer: “You have a nice voice.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Would you give me your phone number?”

    Me: *creeped out* “I’m sorry. I can’t give that information to you.”

    Customer: “You don’t want to talk on the phone to someone in Spain?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “No?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “No?”

    Me: “No. No es bueno para mi.” *It’s not good for me*

    Customer: “Oh! You speak Spanish?”

    Me: “Un pequeño” *A little*

    Customer: “How wonderful! We could talk in Spanish and English over the phone!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Was there something you wanted?”

    Customer: “We could be private phone buddies if you’d like.”

    Me: “No, I don’t think so.”

    Customer: “You have such a lovely voice. And you seem very nice and beautiful.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Please do not call back unless you have questions about [Product]. Have a good day.” *hangs up*

    Should Hold His Tongue

    | England, UK | Bizarre

    Me: “[Booking Office]. How can I help?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like— Wait a minute. You’re the voice on the ‘on hold’ message!”

    Me: “Yes, that’s right.”

    Customer: “OH MY GOD! YOUR VOICE IS ANNOYING!”

    Me: “Er… sorry?”

    This Will Become Herb And Legend

    | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I am working as a bartender in a posh Upper East Side Italian restaurant that often has long waits for tables. Customers are encouraged to order drinks and appetizers from the bar. We have just begun offering Neapolitan style pizzas as an appetizer. An older, affluent couple sits down in the bar area and proceeds to order drinks and ask about our different pizza offerings.)

    Customer: “Could you tell us a little more about your white pizza.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. It is a thin Neapolitan style pizza topped with olive oil and an herb and cheese blend.”

    Customer: “Excuse me, but do we look like saggy pants wearing, hip hop rap loving, people? This is an affluent, sophisticated neighborhood. Why would you even consider serving us urban cheese. Do we look like we are on welfare?”

    Customer’s Wife: *loudly* “I mean, my god, what would make you think your customers would ever pay $14 for something with urban cheese on it. I am disgusted at the thought.”

    Me: “I am terribly sorry to have caused you so much concern. I believe I may have spoken too fast and caused a misunderstanding. The pizza bianca con erbe e formaggio is a pizza without tomato sauce, instead it is made with olive oil and an HERRRB and cheese blend.”

    (They asked for a moment to think about it, and as I returned to the bar I noticed they very quietly got up and left the restaurant.)

    Covered For The Next 20 Years

    | Alexandria, VA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Employee: “How can I help you, sir?”

    Me: “I just bought this phone yesterday and I can’t hear anyone who calls me. They sound muffled and tinny.”

    Employee: “Ah, I know what your problem is.”

    (I haven’t even shown him my phone yet, so I assume he’s going to give me some smart-a** presumptuous answer.)

    Employee: “Did you leave the plastic cover on the screen that ships with the phone?”

    Me: “Well, yeah, at least until I buy a good screen protector.”

    Employee: “…”

    Me: “Oh. It covers the speaker, too, doesn’t it? That’s rather embarrassing.”

    Employee: “Don’t worry; you’re not the first to come in here with that problem.”

    Me: “Oh, good, that makes me feel better.”

    Employee: “But you are the youngest by about 20 years.”

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