(I am in IT for large company, with multiple locations all over the Canada. I got a call from a business unit located in another province)

Customer on the phone: “Hi. My computer is not working.”

Me: “Okay. What’s your name…”

(After 5 minutes I got all the info I needed)

Me: “I’m sorry, I cannot remotely access your computer. I’ll have to inform your local IT team to come and resolve this problem. It’s 6am in your location and IT starts at 7am. They will come and fix it in an hour.”

Customer: “No. This is critical. You come and fix it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, you probably do not realize that I’m located in Ontario and you are in British Columbia. I cannot come and fix it.”

Customer: “Okay, okay. You’ll come and fix it now?”

Me: “No, there are thousands of kilometers between us. I cannot come and help you.”

Customer: “Okay, okay. Production has stopped, so you come and fix it now.”

(At this point I have big dent in my office wall exactly matching shape of my head)

Me: “Okay, Sir. I’m coming to fix it. But I don’t know you, so to make it easier for me to recognize you please stand in the middle of the production area and raise both your hands so I can find you easily.”

Customer: “Okay, Okay.”

(I received no more calls from him–he’s probably still waiting for me with his hands raised over his head)

Source

Me: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Yes, but I don’t want to buy anything. I would just like to know if there are any restaurants here. ”

Me: “Yes, this is one. There are more elsewhere in the park. ”

Customer: “I mean, like a sit down restaurant.”

Me: “We have chairs and tables outside, and more to my left past the grill.”

Customer: “I mean where you come to me and ask ‘em what I want so that I don’t have to get up. You know, a restaurant.”

Me: “I don’t know of any off the top of my head, but you can go ahead and ask other people that work here.”

Customer: “I’ll do that…”

(She walks off and I continue on helping people. 20 minutes later, she comes back)

Customer: “I couldn’t find any, are you sure there aren’t any?”

Me: “Pardon me, but this isn’t a huge super expensive theme park like Disney World or Disneyland. Are you from California by chance?”

Customer: “Yes, how did you know?”

Me: “I guessed.”

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Yeah, I know. You called a bookstore.”

Customer: “Where is your jewelry?”

Me, standing behind 3 counters filled with jewelry: “Right here, ma’am.”

Customer: “No, the jewelry on sale!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we aren’t having a sale on jewelry this month.”

Customer: “But I was here in July and it was on sale.”

Me: “Yes ma’am, and now it’s November and it’s not on sale.”

Customer: “Well can’t you give me the sale prices anyways?”

Me: “Ummm, no.”

Customer: “Yeah, my son really likes this one band that has a really popular song out right now.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know the name of their album, their band name, or the name of the song but the tune is like this: ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa.’”

Me: “…”

Customer: *not very happy with me* “Do you have any clue what I’m talking about?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we can’t really look up ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa’ in our computer.”

Customer: “Don’t be a smart a** with me, missy.”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, I’m not trying to be a smart a**, I’m just saying there isn’t really any way I can help you unless you have some information I can look up.”

Customer: *yelling* “NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I EVER BEEN TREATED SO DISRESPECTFULLY AT SOME BULLS*** BOOK STORE! EVERY TIME I COME HERE YOU AND YOUR CO-WORKERS ACT AS IF IT’S SUCH A CHORE TO HELP CUSTOMERS!”

Me: *trying really hard not to laugh* “Would you like me to call my manager?”

Customer: “YES!”

(I page my manager, which we have several but I lucked out and got the good one)

Rad manager: *irritated because she was busy* “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes, the…”

Rad manager: “No, I wasn’t talking to you.”

Customer: “Well!”

Me: “She wants me to look up a song using only the tune.”

Rad manager: *laughs*

Customer: *again, yelling* “IS IT SO HARD TO ASK FOR A LITTLE HELP OR DO YOU NOT OFFER THAT FOR FREE? ALL I NEED FROM YOU IS THE BAND NAME THAT SINGS THAT ONE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS, ‘BA BA BEE DA DUM DUM BAAA’! IT ISN’T THAT HARD TO FIGURE IT OUT!”

Me: “So go home and figure it out and give us a call.”

Customer: “I will never shop here again! I’m taking my business to Barnes & Noble!”

Rad manager and I: “Okay. Bye.”

Source

(Well, it was at a seafood restaurant, but it’s happened at other places. Servers from all over know about it)

Me: “And what would you like to drink today?”

Customer: “Five waters. We also need more sugar. And please bring a lot of lemons.”

(I bring them extra lemons and more sugar, but it was not enough)

Customer: “We gonna need a helluva lot more than that!”

(Turns out they needed all of this to make LEMONADE at the table! Talk about cheap…)

(A customer wanders down the paint aisle I’m working on and asks for advice on which paint to use. I tell him, and he asks for the differences between brands)

Me: “Brand A is just a bit thicker than Brand B. But other than that, they’re pretty much the same.”

Customer: “What do you mean ‘thicker’?”

Me: “The paint has a thicker consistency.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “Do you know what cake batter looks like? And water?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Cake batter is thicker than water, like Brand A is thicker than Brand B.”

Customer: “Brand A is cake batter?”

(It goes on like this for awhile. I ended up leaving him there to contemplate)

Me: “So, what can I get you?”

Hobo: “I’m pretty hungry so I guess I’ll have…” *stares at menu*

Me, 3 minutes later: “I’ll come ba-”

Hobo: “I want some toast!”

Me: “Okay, toast is all, I’ll be right back.”

Hobo: “Yeah, thats what I want, french toast.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Hobo: “I want some french toast, how much does that cost?”

Me: “Sorry sir, we don’t have french toast.”

Hobo: “Then what do you have?”

Me: “Um…. toast?”

Hobo: “Toast? Whats that?”

*long pause*

Me: “Warm crunchy bread, sir.”

Hobo: “Yeah, bring me some white, warm crunchy bread!”

(Setting: Gas station, Saturday, 11 pm)

Customer: “Is Sunday’s paper out yet?”

Me: “No sir, it’s still Saturday…”

Customer: “Oh, what time do they normally come in?”

Me: “Around 4 am but sometimes as late as 5 am.”

Customer: “Oh okay, I guess I’ll wait.”

(Customer proceeds to wait in the store for 5 hours for the paper to be delivered…)

Source

Customer: “How long is the one hour tour?”

Me: “60 Minutes.”

Customer: “Where does the harbour tour go?”

Me: “Around the harbour.”