Me: “It’s a great day at [furniture store]! How can I direct your call?”

Caller: “I want to talk to someone about my furniture.”

Me: “Okay, is it just damaged, or did you want to set up a delivery?”

Caller: “No. I just want to talk to someone about it.”

Me: “Um… did you want to talk to your salesperson?”

Caller: “No. Just someone in the dining department.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but our floor isn’t separated into departments.”

Caller: “I bought it about 2 years ago. I just want to talk about it.”

Me: “Did you want to talk about it with a manager?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: *stops caring* “Well, I would LOVE to talk about with you! Is it pretty?!”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “Furniture is good! It’s where people sit!”

Caller: *click*

Me: “Hello, *** Pizza, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I’m supposed to get a free pizza because you guys made it wrong last time.”

Me: “Okay, sir, can I have your address please?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “So I can look up your credit… we file them by address.”

(He gives me his address, which isn’t in the file. I try every possible means to verify his story,  and am finally convinced that he’s lying.)

Me: “Did the person you dealt with last time ask for your address?”

Customer: ”No, they just said I could have a free pizza.”

Me: “Did they happen to give you their name?”

Customer: “No, it was just some guy.”

(I’m the only male manager at the restaurant.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you a free pizza.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I have no record of it. I can’t just give pizza away to anybody who says we screwed up.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Excuse me?! What is your name?”

Me: “My name is ‘guy-who’s-not-giving-you-a-free-pizza,’ what’s yours?”

Customer: ”I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “I am the manager.”

Customer: “Well, haven’t you ever heard that the customer is always right?”

Me:  ”Yes, that’s what people say when they’re trying to rip us off.” *click*

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, may I have your university user name?”

Caller: “What’s a user’s name?”

Me: “Oh… well, how are you affiliated with [university]?

Caller: “It’s what came up on my screen.”

Me: “Okay… well, I’m sorry, but this help desk is only for students, staff, and faculty of our university.”

Caller: “But the page said to call!”

Me: “Yes. If you’re in any way affiliated with us we’d be happy to help you, but this service is for students, staff, and faculty.

Caller: “But it didn’t say that, it just said to call!”

Me: “Well, I apologize, but you can’t just call any number on the internet and expect support!”

Caller: “Well, why not?!” *hangs up*

Related:
And We Wonder Who Clicks On Spam…

Customer: “I want a free rental on my account for this movie!”

Me: “Was the movie damaged? Did it skip or something?”

Customer: “No, it sucked. I don’t want to pay for a bad movie.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. But we don’t give free rentals on account of bad movies.”

Customer: “But you people should have told me it was bad!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. But we don’t get to see all the movies we have here.”

Customer: “I don’t give a f***. This doesn’t change the fact I want a free movie!”

Me: “Like I said before, we don’t give free rentals based on bad movies…” *looks at movie* “… or bad taste.”

Customer: “Huh? What do you mean?”

Me: “You rented Ninja Cheerleaders. This would be like me going to a restaurant, ordering a rat on a stick, eating it, and then asking to get the meal free.”

(Sometimes I get very bored at work and decide to have fun with customers.)

Me: “Hi, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “My computer isn’t working at all. It seems that something is wrong with it.”

Me: “Okay, let me see what I can do…”

(I place my hands on the computer and in my best imitation of a televangelist.)

Me: “IT IS HEALED! PRAISE THE LORD!”

Customer: “Oh my God, really? Are you serious?! Thank you!”

Me: “No, no I’m not.”

Customer: *completely baffled*

Me: “I hate my life.”

(After helping a middle aged man find many CDs…)

Customer: “Thank you… what’s your name?”

Me: “Ryland.”

Customer: “Thank you for your help, Ryan!”

Me: “No, no. My name is Ryland.”

Customer: “Ryland? What the h*** kind of name is that? You better watch out, you’re going to get attacked one day!”

Manager: “May I help you?”

Customer: “I would like to return these wind chimes. They don’t work.”

Manager: “Okay, are they broken?”

Customer: “No, they just don’t work.”

Manager: “Well, where did you hang them?”

Customer: “On my back porch.”

Manager: “Well, they should work just fine there.”

Customer: “They don’t… my husband and I sit on the porch and no there is no sound from the chimes!”

Manager: “Is your porch screened in? That could reduce the wind.”

Customer: “No, it’s glassed in…”

Manager: “… I believe I know what the problem is.”

Customer: “Can you fix it?”

Manager: “No, but I can sell you a fan!”

Related:
Airheaded, Part 2
Airheaded

(I’m working in a video rental store renting out Bollywood films when a customer asks about a particular film.)

Customer: “Hi! Can you tell me if this is a good family film?”

(He hands me a Bollywood film called Deewaar.)

Me: “Not really. I mean, it’s got an 18 certificate rating on it, for starters.”

Customer: “Oh. What is it about?”

Me: “It’s about the son of an Indian POW in a prison camp in Pakistan who attempts to rescue him.”

Customer: “Well, that can’t be a bad family film. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Well, I watched a scene where the main character is fighting a bad guy on a train. He sticks his head out of the window and an incoming pole cuts his head off clean.”

Customer: “… does it have good songs in the film?”

Me: “…”

(Note: Bollywood films mainly come with songs. Apparently, people just watch these films for the songs…)

(A coworker and I are sitting in a fairly small booth at the gates of the swimming pool. A sign that reads ‘We Do Not Accept $100 Bills’ is placed right under the sign reading ‘No Refunds Due to Inclement Weather.’)

Customer: “No refunds due to inclement weather, eh? What if it’s nice?”

Me: “Yes, sir, very droll.”

Customer: “Alright, it’s for me and my two kids.”

(The customer attempts to pay with a hundred dollar bill for something that amounts to about $5.50.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t accept hundred dollar bills.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t accept hundred dollar bills. Do you have any debit or credit cards with you?”

Customer: “No, but I have this hundred!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we don’t accept hundred dollar bills.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

(This repeats for about seven or eight times before I start varying it up a bit.)

Me: “Bills hundred dollars accept we do not.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

Me: “Dollar bills, hundred accept not we do!”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

(I work in email and chat tech support, so one day, an email comes in.)

“Hello Miss Sir,

Please send me new one.  My wife’s has defected.

Boris”

——-

“Dear Boris,

Thanks for contacting us.  If your wife’s mp3 player is defective, we will be happy to replace it.  Please respond with more details on the problem.  If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact us.”

Sincerely,
[Me]”

——–

“Hello Miss,

Yes, send new one. My wife’s has defecated.”