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    Hamming Up The Translation

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Language & Words

    (One of my coworkers is Turkish, but because of her skin tone, she is often mistaken for Hispanic.)

    Customer: *in Spanish* “Can you get me some ham?”

    Coworker: “Sorry, I don’t speak Spanish.”

    Customer: *in Spanish* “Don’t lie to me, you b****. I want some ham right now!”

    Me: *in Spanish* “I can help you, sir.”

    (He looks at me with bewilderment, obviously not expecting a white person to be able to speak Spanish.)

    Customer: “Sorry, I no speak English.” *to my coworker, in Spanish* “I told you to get me some ham!”

    Coworker: “I don’t understand, sir. I not Spanish; I am from Turkey.”

    Me: *in Spanish* “She doesn’t speak Spanish, sir. She’s actually from Turkey. I can get you some ham if you’ll tell me what kind you want.”

    (He slams both hands down hard on the counter.)

    Customer: *in English* “What kind of store is this?! The Spanish person doesn’t speak Spanish but the white person does?! I’m not shopping here!”

    (He stormed out of the store, almost breaking the glass door.)

    H2-Slow, Part 6

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (A lady comes in looking for a fish.)

    Me: “How may I help you, ma’am?”

    Lady: “Well, I want to get a fish for my daughters birthday.”

    Me: “Any type of fish in mind?”

    Lady: *points to the betta fish* “This one is very pretty, so this one.”

    Me: “Okay. Do you have a tank for it?” *points to tank*

    Lady: “I don’t need a tank; I can just put him in a cup.”

    Me: “Um, ma’am. You cannot just put a fish in a cup. It needs to be in a tank.”

    Lady: “That’s silly; all it needs is water and a cup!”

    Me: “How about food? It needs more room than just a cup. Also, it needs a filter.”

    Lady: “Wait, doesn’t it eat the water?”

    (I told her all the stuff she needed for the fish. Instead she got a hamster because it was much easier to take care of. I made sure to give her guidebooks and told her to call us whenever she needed help with something.)

    H2Slow, Part 5
    H2Slow, Part 4
    H2Slow, Part 3

    Trying To Con The Family Business

    | Exeter, England, UK | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers

    (I take a male customer’s order with him constantly asking about prices.)

    Customer: “Oh, can we have the family discount?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I always get a discount here. The owner lets me.”

    Me: “He hasn’t told me anything…”

    Customer: “Yeah, the owner is my brother and he always gives me the family discount.”

    Me: “Okay, then… let me just ask him.”

    (I signal the owner over as the customer panics and goes bright red. His family also start nudging him.)

    Me: “Uh, your brother wants a discount.”

    (The customer sheepishly smiles as the owner explodes in happiness.)

    Owner: “Oh, my God, Jenny! I didn’t know you’d had a sex change. If you wanted to do that you could have at least kept your hair. Also you’ve put on a h*** of a lot of weight and lost over a foot in height! Why would you do that?”

    (The whole restaurant was looking and the customer’s family rushed him out quicker than the owner could continue talking. Some bosses are awesome.)

    Failed At The Name Game

    | Denver, CO, USA | Bizarre, Funny Names

    (I work at an insurance agency in Colorado. There are only a few other people in my office, none of which are named Steve.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, [Insurance Company]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “STEVE?!”

    Me: “No, this is [My Name]. Can I help you with something?”

    Customer: “Where is Steve?”

    Me: “I don’t believe a Steve works here. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “I just talked to Steve. I know there is a Steve there.”

    (At this point I realize that it was the customer I just got off the phone with two minutes ago.)

    Me: “Oh, yes! Let me go get Steve for you…” *I deepen my voice a little* “Hello, this is Steve.”

    Customer: “Oh, hi, Steve! Can you tell [My Name] to just transfer my calls to you from now on? I don’t want to talk to him. He doesn’t sound like he knows what he is doing.”

    Doesn’t Fit The Bill

    | Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Money, Tourists/Travel

    (I work in a gift shop at a castle. A puzzled customer comes up to the till.)

    Customer: “How much are your postcards?”

    Me: “They’re 50 pence.”

    Customer: “So 50p means 50 pence?”

    Me: “Yep, they’re the same thing.”

    Customer: “Okay, so, I have a certificate for 5.”

    (We don’t do gift certificates to the best of my knowledge, so…)

    Me: “Sorry; when you say certificate, what exactly do you mean?”

    Customer: “It’s like a… bill?”

    Me: “A five pound note?”

    Customer: “A what?”

    Me: *baffled* “May I ask where you’re from?”

    Customer: “I’m from California.”

    Me: “Right, well, basically, our pence are like your cents, and our pounds are like your dollars. It’s 100 pence to a pound.”

    Customer: “OH! That makes so much more sense of all of your shops!”

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