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    Regina Phalange Calling

    | Derbyshire, England, UK | Bizarre, Funny Names, Movies & TV

    (My dad works in TV licensing, the main role of which is issuing warnings to people who haven’t paid their licenses. This exchange takes place as he’s reading back a form to a suspected license fraud filled in earlier in the day.)

    Dad: “I think this either made the stupidest attempt not to get caught ever or she’s taking the p***.”

    Me: “Why?”

    Dad: “Well, under ‘name’ she’s put ‘Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock.'”

    (I crack up, recognising the ‘Friends’ reference.)

    Dad: “Hey, I’m the one who has to go back and sort this!”

    Me: “Okay, here’s what you need to do…”

    (I tell my dad a few ‘Friends’ quotes to slip into conversation, to make it clear he knows what she’s doing. Apparently she paid up (under her real name) as she didn’t think anyone would remember that show!)

    Trying To Make A Clean Getaway

    | Wales, UK | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

    (I am cleaning a laboratory; I have wet floor signs out and a sign saying “Cleaning in progress.” Cleaning takes place when no one is normally around. I have mop in my hand and a bucket beside me.)

    Biologist: “Are you cleaning the floor?”

    Me: “Yes, I have a certain time slot to do it and normally no one around.”

    Biologist: “Well I haven’t seen any warning signs!”

    (I point to several and cleaning sign.)

    Biologist: “Have you mopped the floor over there?”

    Me: “Yes I have; a couple of minutes ago.”

    Biologist: “Is the floor where you just mopped going to be wet?”

    Me: “…Yup.”

    (Glad all those years in university weren’t wasted!)

    Wish You Could Just Bury Your Head In The Sand

    | Australia | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior

    (There is a promotion on at the toy store where I work for a new type of sand that comes with several sets of molds. Because the promotion is going so well, we run out of molds in the first few days and are waiting for our new stock to come in next week. We used to have many signs around the store advertising both the sand and the molds, but we have taken down all the mold advertisements and actually put up a few sign saying that we’ve run out.)

    Customer #1: “Hi. My son’s birthday is next week. I want a pack of [Sand] and three molds to go with it.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, we’ve sold out of molds, but we are getting more in on Tuesday. Would you still like to buy a pack of [Sand] now or would you like me to put it aside for when the molds come in?”

    Customer #1: “EXCUSE ME? What do you mean you’ve sold out?!”

    Me: “Um… I mean we’ve sold out. We sold out a few days ago actually, but, as I said before, we are getting more in on Tuesday.”


    Me: “Pardon?”


    Me: “Ma’am, do you actually think it would be possible for me to know that you, a stranger, would need this product for your son’s birthday and have kept some aside for you? This is the first time I’ve met you.”

    Customer #1: “This is actually ridiculous. I will be back on Tuesday for my sand and three molds. There will be trouble if I don’t get them. Do you understand? TROUBLE!”

    Me: “…”

    (Customer #1 storms out of the store and I don’t see her for the rest of the day. I don’t work Tuesdays so I leave a note for my coworker saying explains what happened and to watch out for her. I come in on Saturday morning for my next shift and there is only one packet of [Sand] left and one mold to go with it. I am currently ringing up both of them for Customer #2 who regularly comes in to buy products for his daughter.)

    Customer #2: “My daughter is going to love these! Did you know it’s her birthday tomorrow?”

    Me: “No way! Wish her a very happy birthday from m- OH, NO!”

    (I see Customer #1 come through the doors and head straight towards me.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer #1: “You know what I want.”

    Me: “Ma’am, did you not buy the products on Tuesday?”

    Customer #1: “NO! I didn’t get a chance on Tuesday. I was doing things. Now give me my products.”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, we’ve sold out again, this time of both products. I can’t sell you anything. If you had come in earlier in the week when I told you the stock was arriving then you may have been able to purchase them.”

    (Customer #1 throws a huge fit and knocks over a large stand and shattering many products in the process.)

    Me: “Miss! You need to calm down! I just sold the last product to this man. You’re too late. You need to leave the store.”

    (Customer #1 proceeded to push over Customer #2, take his bag and make a run for it. Unfortunately for her, Customer #2 was an undercover police officer, who proceeded to catch her, arrest her, and charge her with both assault and theft! Customer #2 got the store a huge amount of compensation for for the broken products, which we ended up giving to him to spend on his daughter’s birthday. I never saw Customer #1 again!)

    A Third Of The Way To A Breakdown

    | MN, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Math & Science

    (The current sale on a certain brand of pizzas is three for $10, making the sale price for each $3.33. A customer comes through the line with two pizzas.)

    Customer: “I know the sign says three for $10, but I only want to buy two of these pizzas.”

    Me: “That’s fine; they ring up at the sale price no matter how many you buy.”

    (I scan one pizza and show him that it rings up as $3.33.)

    Customer: “NO! You don’t understand; I want the SALE PRICE.”

    Me: “$3.33 is the sale price.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not!”

    (I’m beginning to have a line, so I pull out a calculator to show the math.)

    Me: “It is, sir. Look. Ten divided by three is 3.33.”


    Next Customer: “I do.”

    (The first customer refused to believe me, saying that he’d pay for them just this once. He also said he’d be informing a manager about the wrong sale price. Needless to say, I did not get in trouble.)

    Fourth Time Lucky

    | BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Money

    (I work in a call centre for a movie rental company; this is not one specific interaction with a customer, but an exchange that happens at least once a day:)

    Me: “In order to pull up your transaction, I need the last four digits of the card used.”

    Customer: “My credit card?”

    Me: “Yes, whatever card you use with us.”

    Customer: “You need the last four digits?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Of my credit card?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “The last four?”

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