Lady Customer on the Phone: “Hi, I saw this book on television and I was hoping you’d have it in stock…”

Me: “Why sure, ma’am. Just if you can give me some more details, I will look it up in our computer.”

Customer: “Well it was on Oprah recently, and it was a red book. And it had an award for it or something.”

(I check through our database of books that were recently shown on TV…nothing comes up that remotely fits that description.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not seeing anything on our computer. Our company gets a list of books that are on television recently, and I can’t seem to find it. May I ask when you saw the particular episode?”

Customer: “Yeah, it was about five…maybe six-ish…years ago. Come on, do your f***ing job. I already told you it was red! Find it already!”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry ma’am, but this only lists books that were shown within the past two to three months. I can do a normal search if you can give me any other details, such as the author or genre–”

(She cuts me off.)

Customer: “**** you! It’s RED! It’s rectangular! DO YOUR JOB AND FIND IT FOR ME OR I’LL HAVE YOU FIRED! YOU’LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!”

(At this point I just stop talking and handed the phone to the manager on duty. I could hear the woman still frothing at the mouth, even as I walked quickly away from the phone! From what I hear, of course we never figured out what it was, but she hung up eventually screaming all the while she’d have our store torn down for being such incompetent people.)

(Some customers at our restaurant try to get a free meal by placing some hair in their food and then blaming the chef and refusing to pay for the meal.)

Customer: “Waiter!”

Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “There’s a hair in my food.”

Me: “That isn’t possible, unless it was your hair.”

Customer: “It isn’t!”

Me: “Who else’s hair could it be?”

Customer: “Your chef’s.”

(I walk into the kitchen and return to the table with our chef.)

Me: “Take off your chef’s hat.”

(Chef takes off his hat, he is revealed to be bald.)

Chef, to the customer: “You were saying something about my hair being in your food?”

(Customer walks up and beings speaking in Spanish.)

Me: “Umm, I don’t speak Spanish.”

Customer: “Oh, ah…” *continues speaking Spanish*

Me: “I don’t understand.”

Customer: *speaks Spanish*

Me, in Swedish: “Jag pratar inte Spanska sa jag!”

*customer runs away*

Me, answering phone: “Hello, *** Buffet…”

Customer: “Um, yes, I need to order something. Um, I just don’t know what it is. Can you tell me?”

Me: “Maybe can you describe it?”

Customer: “Uhhh, yeah, it had some sort of meat and a sauce and vegetables…”

(We have over 100 items on our menu, almost ALL of them have a meat/vegetable/sauce combination.)

Me: “Well, do you know if it was chicken or beef?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Well, was it spicy or sweet?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “What sort of vegetables we in it?”

Customer: “Just regular ones.”

Me: “Ma’am, we have over 100 items on our menu, most of them being a combination of meat, vegetable and a sauce. If you can remember something specific about it I might be able to guess what you had since I’m familiar with the items on the menu. Is there ANYTHING you remember about it?”

Customer: “Yeah I told you, it was really good and had meat in it!”

Me: *gives up* “I’m sorry ma’am, I’m not sure what you had.”

(The following took place outside a small dentist’s office. The client requested an electric sign that that was a full-color copy of their business card, it took four weeks to fabricate and cost $3500.)

Dentist’s Wife: “Wow, that turned out JUST perfect! My husband is going to be so pleased to see that up when he gets back.”

Me: “I’m glad you like it, we’re very happy how it all came together.”

(A crane truck and two installers hoist the sign in the air, attach it to the 16′ pole and turn the lighting on.)

Dentist’s Wife: “Oh wait, that’s…that’s not right, you need to take it down now, I don’t believe this!! I want our money back!”

Me: “Ma’am? What’s wrong?”

Dentist’s Wife: “Well look at it, will you? It’s not right, it’s not the same as our card.”

Me, pulling out my paperwork: “Now ma’am, both you and your husband approved the design, you signed off on the comps, the shop drawings, the contracts and all the permitting. We just can’t be expected to–”

Dentist’s Wife: “Any fool can see that these do not look the same! Oh, my husband is going to be so mad with you people!”

Me: “But why? We’ve worked closely with you on every step of the approval process, they are identical in every way.”

Dentist’s Wife: “Just look at this and you can see how different they are!”

(She holds the business card up at arm’s length and closes one eye.)

Dentist’s Wife: “Look! Look! The sign…the sign, it’s just so much…bigger!”

Related:
Depth Perception Strikes Again

(Hot summer day temperature in the nineties. Tons of people in line because the shop is in an amusement park and everybody wants soft ice cream, which makes the soft ice even softer as it doesn’t have time to chill properly.)

Male customer, who bought soft ice cream for his family 30 min or so earlier, comes up to the window very upset: “The soft ice cream is melting! My kids are a total mess!”

Me: “Well, it is hot outside, what are you gonna do?”

Customer: “You should put up a sign to let people know that it will melt!”

Me: “I don’t assume my customers are idiots.”

(Customer bangs the ice cream cone on the counter and storms off.)

The next customer in line looks at me and laughs: “I’ll guess I’ll just have the regular ice cream then.”

Me: “Welcome to ****, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a medium coffee with twenty-seven and a half sugars.”

Me: “I’m sorry, was that…twenty-seven and a half?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “You’re sure you don’t just want the twenty-eight?”

Customer: “Ewww, gross! That’d be too sweet.”

Me: “Excuse me, can I help you ma’am?”

Customer, in a very mean tone: “Yeah, I need a Dove bar.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. The soaps are right over there; see the sign?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “?”

Customer: “I’M WAITING…”

Me: *sigh*

(I go and get the soap and hand it to her. Then, she shows me a list of eight other things.)

Related:
She Probably Needs Someone To Put Her Clothes On, Too
The Epitome Of Lazy

(December 24th, last day for Christmas shopping.)

Customer: “Do you have a Nintendo Wii?”

Me: “No sir, unfortunately we are all sold out.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “It’s just pretty much the top holiday item, sir, and we have been selling out of the Wiis non-stop since last November.”

Customer: “When do you get them in?”

Me: “I don’t know. Not until after February, probably.”

Customer: “D**n it! I have kids you know! Show some sympathy!”

Me: “So do probably 70 of the 100 people in line behind you, sir. Now is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “What if I slip you a $20?”

Me: “What about, no.”

Customer thinking I’m stupid: “Well, sell me the box you have right there up on the corner of your shelf, you liar!”

Me: “I can’t sell it to you, but I guess I could give it to you for free if it makes you feel better. There’s nothing in there by the way…”

(Customer apparently completely ignores that last line.)

Customer: “HELL YEAH I GOT MYSELF A WII! HAHAHAHAHA MERRY CHRISTMAS SUCKERS!”

(Crowd stands with death glares fixated on me and the guy.)

Me: *hands him the box* “Merry Christmas…next person, please.”

Customer: “WHAT THE F***! GOD D**N S**T! There’s nothing in this d**n box!”

Customer behind him: “That’s because he said that was just a display box. He gave it to you just so you could be happy and you accepted it, moron!”

(Crowd of customers returns to holiday mode.)

Customer: “Hello, can I please get a turkey burger?”

Me: “You mean a turkey sandwich?”

Customer: “No, I mean a turkey burger!”

Me: “Miss, we don’t sell turkey burgers here.”

(Another customer orders a soy patty.)

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! That woman just got one!”

Me: “That is a soy patty.”

Customer: “DON’T F***ING LIE TO ME!”